If I do leave her, shoudl it be cold turkey?

[Fly Like An Eagle]

I am debating whether I should stay with my BPD wife or not.  Our emotional issues aside, assuming that I do decide to leave her, what would be the best way to do so?  Just leave her one day and disappear?  In other words, walk out with her?

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciate it.  The literature on tis site relate to this topic does a very good job of explaining how to detach oneself from the relationship, but I have not seen too much on the tactical steps one should take to leave your BPD SO.

Thank you.

[maxsterling]

Good question.  I guess it depends on your situation.  What would make you want to leave suddenly?  Do you fear violence or that she may try to hurt you in some other way?  Do you fear she will convince you not to leave, through guilt or manipulation?

[Clearmind]

Leaving a partner with BPD

It's best to not tell her of your plans to leave so you can gather important papers etc.

[Fly Like An Eagle]

It's really the latter.  She will beg me to stay with her and tell me how good things are.  She will also how I have become a father figure to her step daughter.  

Once that will not work, she will resort to hiding my car keys and actually shield me from leaving.

The problem is that every single time I will cool off and end up stating, but the recycling then starts.  It happens on average once a month.

Leaving all of sudden, like right now, seems so cruel as things are steadily getting better.  But for now it seems like the only choice.  However, if I wait until we get into a fight, then I lose leverage and the guilt and manipulation begins.

[diega]

It's really the latter.  She will beg me to stay with her and tell me how good things are.  She will also how I have become a father figure to her step daughter.  

Once that will not work, she will resort to hiding my car keys and actually shield me from leaving.

The problem is that every single time I will cool off and end up stating, but the recycling then starts.  It happens on average once a month.

Leaving all of sudden, like right now, seems so cruel as things are steadily getting better.  But for now it seems like the only choice.  However, if I wait until we get into a fight, then I lose leverage and the guilt and manipulation begins.

I wouldn't tell her of your plans to leave for sure. but once its all set up--you're new housing situation set up, your finances set... your stuff mostly out , than u can tell her.   there's no point in telling her u r GOING to leave.  thats part of their 'thing'--trying to get you back once you state this.  so there is no point. 

then it will be not you telling her... but both of you negotiating on 'should you leave?  why ? etcetc"  if you really want to leave, you can't tell her that far ahead of time.  in my opinion.

once you're ready it depends on her power of persuasion... how good she is at charming.  if she is great at it and u r afraid she will talk u into coming back or making a scene... . than you could meet at a resteaunt and tell her there.   there are a lot of variables  at that point but if its gonna take u a while to get ready to leave, at least i know   , do not tell her that.

[sadinsweden]

Hey Fly, This is an excellent question. As you know, I am considering leaving cold turkey. You also know my reasons for doing so ... . however, I'm now second guessing my choice. Cold turkey seems so incredibly harsh ... . especially after a 15 year R/S. I have to wonder if I'm considering cold turkey (Hopping a flight and leaving a note on the table) because I don't want the "scene" which I'm sure will ensure. Or if because it might just break MY heart. Or because, frankly, I'm angry, hurt, and quite a bit afraid of him ... . his behavior this last weekend really makes me feel as if he doesn't deserve my time of day. But, leaving cold turkey seems to go against my morals. Not leaving cold turkey seems like emotional suicide.

In matters such as this, I often have to refer to my higher conscious. I always try to do the thing that is right, but as maxsterling says, it depends on the situation. I think you will know the best thing to do when the time is right. Nothing yet is engraved in stone.