That thing she said

[Allmessedup]

My ex told me multiple times that she would always come back to me.  It may take days, weeks, months... but I will always come back she said.

She said she would have gone back to her exh had he not filed for divorce.  She said this because she was well aware of my abandonment issues and that she had a tendency to run when she got scared, mad, upset... . whatever.

Today this keeps playing over in my head.

I don't want her back, I know the relationship was not healthy.  I have bad days still, but I also have more and more good days too.  I just feel that this keeps hanging over my head... . more like a threat than a promise... . or perhaps my heart just wants her to keep that promise.

It's like I keep waiting for this shoe to drop... .

[seeking balance]

Today this keeps playing over in my head.

What emotion are you feeling today (or avoiding feeling)?

[woodsposse]

 

I, unfortunately, have been involved with two PD women in the last couple of decades.  They both said the same thing when our r/s ruptured beyond repair (although I didn't know that at the time).

I'm positive many of other folks here have heard the exact same thing (or words to that affect).

I can't, and wouldn't, begin to try and tell you what your ex meant or what is running around in her head - but what I will say and suggest to you is... . please stop paying attention to the words which were spoken to you.  

Those words and broken promises, any of the string of scraps spoken to keep you hanging on just a bit longer are horrible devices to... . keep you hanging on.

If you would like a suggestion on how to not have these playing over and over in your head - try remembering whatever actions she may have done with you and see if the words match the actions.  If they do... . well then, yeah, a shoe may drop.  If they don't match... . a shoe won't drop, but come flying at you and hit you in your head.

If you dissect even the words of "I would have gone back to my ex had he not filed for divorce" means she isn't concerned about his boundaries and the only thing which stopped her was the legal filings.  So had he not filed for divorce, she would have been over at his place still trying to infiltrate his life.  Instead, she ended up with you (and from the sounds of it... . and the fact that you are on this board) and turned your life upside down.

So if you allow her to come back, she would do the exact same to you that she did to him - probably while she is doing it to someone at that time.

I know it is difficult - but focus on behaviors, not words.  And focus on you... . your healing. What is it about you which makes you want to even maybe be around the chaos.  If you can identify that... . work on that... . then you have a great chance of understanding how these types of r/s happen and why you allow yourself to stay.  Then you are in a better place to correct that in you so you can see that there are a great many other women you can have a healthy r/s with.

Your happiness starts and ends with you.

You are on your way, my friend!  

[woodsposse]

Today this keeps playing over in my head.

What emotion are you feeling today (or avoiding feeling)?

Ohhhhh... . great question!

I would agree with that as well.  It is difficult... . but I found it helpful during these time to allow myself to feel whatever was coming up.  Once that happens, I could work through it... . and resolve it.

Fantastic question.

[Allmessedup]

Longing in some way sb.  I was ruminating a lot last night.

I thought I was better today, but not so much I suppose.

In some aspects it's a little paranoia too.  Like I she still has too much control over me.  I really hate that.

But she only has the control I allow her right?  I control me... . not her.

I am just letting her rent space in my head again

[seeking balance]

Longing in some way sb.  I was ruminating a lot last night.

I thought I was better today, but not so much I suppose.

In some aspects it's a little paranoia too.  Like I she still has too much control over me.  I really hate that.

But she only has the control I allow her right?  I control me... . not her.

I am just letting her rent space in my head again

Feeling lonely & scared AMU?

[Allmessedup]

Provoking post woods posse,

Likely the shoe will come flying at my head!

Focus on behavior... . that's what I need to do!  

If you read my post from last night it was very much about me feeling like this was all my fault.  GUILT

I am still deeper in the FOG than I like to admit.

But while I have been dissecting my role in the relationship, and my issues... . somehow that has lead to me forgetting her behavior and taking all the accountability again.

Which is not true.

She did a million hurtful things to me.  And I was very angry about them... . but somehow I let the anger go and turned it to myself.

What I suspect I need to do is forgive myself... .

I made plenty of mistakes.  I have plenty of my own issues.  And they are painful to see and think about.  But I did NOT make the only mistakes, I am NOT the only one with issues.

And together we contributed to each other's issues enormously.  

I suppose I liked to think I was good for her... . that I helped her... . I am struggling with my own accountability here... .

[Allmessedup]

Very scared sb,

Very! 

In looking at myself I find that I am not the person I thought I was.  Nor am I one I like very much right now... . that terrifies me

[seeking balance]

Very scared sb,

Very! 

In looking at myself I find that I am not the person I thought I was.  Nor am I one I like very much right now... . that terrifies me

That's ok to feel scared and lost - it is normal... . stay with it so you can heal.  Cry if you need to.

We do the best we can with what we know... . the beautiful thing is today is a new day.  How can you be ok with who you are - the good and the not so good?  We all (humans) are flawed, but the key is to get up each day and do our best, some days best looks different than others ... . have you done that?

[LettingGo14]

In looking at myself I find that I am not the person I thought I was.  Nor am I one I like very much right now... . that terrifies me

This, I think, is the beginning of the beginning, AMU.   This is where the "real" self can emerge.  

Acknowledging our feelings, which is step 1 in the Five Stages of Detachment, can let us find ourselves.   I make lists of emotions, and find that each peels back to another, deeper level, often scarier.

I often start with anger (why I am stuck?) which leads to acknowledging fear (what if she contacts me?) which leads to acknowledging guilt (did I mess this relationship up?) which leads to shame (am I incapable of healing?).

This is not easy stuff.   But here's an instruction I got from a wise book on broken hearts, by Susan Piver.

Stop the mental chatter.  Identify the emotions.  :)istracting yourself from them only stresses you further.

"Paying attention to something is different than thinking about it.  It is the difference between playing with your child and reading a child psychology book.  One is in the moment and the other is placing attention on the past or the future."

"When your heart is broken, you can place your attention on your feelings over and over, simply to discover them and actually feel them.  This can help you relax.  :)istracting yourself from them stresses you further."

We're here for you.

[Allmessedup]

Thanks sb,

It is a new day... . and a beautiful one here actually(for a change)

I really have do e the best I know how.  My perfectionist tendencies have issue with that but it's true.

And in the relationship I did the best I could.  In fact I did more than I should have... . way more.  I was the person I wanted her to be if that makes sense?  I treated her the way I craved to be treated. 

But she couldn't treat me that way... . and perhaps she treated me the way she wanted to be treated... . or more precisely the way she felt she deserved to be treated?

[Madison66]

My uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years said something similar to this during the first 3-4 months of the r/s.  She'd say "I will run away from you again and again, and will always come back if you chase after me".  She did run away a handful of times in the first half of the r/s.  That triggered my own fears and then I'd do anything (like let her mow over my boundaries) to keep her from running away again.  After tales of her being a "victim" of sexual abuse, abandonment by her ex H, non support of her family, etc., I took the hook of guilt to not leave or to pursue her when she'd run.  I then allowed continued emotional and then physical abuse until I left the r/s.  Sick, sick, sick, sick!  

I've stopped trying to figure out PD/mental illnesses, and the focus and awareness is centered strictly on me.  I can only believe that she did and said what she did because of the disorder(s).  It was sad and desperate.  It doesn't help me to remain stuck in the emotions and belief that my ex gf acted consciously to manipulate or hurt me.  It doesn't matter now.  I reacted as I did due to leftover issues from issues dealing with my alcoholic father when I was a child.  I am dealing with my issues and will carry an awareness of the mess I once allowed in my life by not living my true self and enforcing healthy boundaries.

There were a lot of things she said to me over a 3+ year r/s that didn't make sense.  I will never make sense of it other than to commit to myself that I will no longer have that dysfunction and unhealthiness in my life.    

[Allmessedup]

What a great thing to remember growing wings 14

I think you are right, I am distracting myself by thinking and obsessing about her because I don't really want to look at me.  At what I don't like.

I have felt close to tears a lot these days... . but never seem to be able to cry.  I try to ignore my feelings, rationalize them away, or condemn myself for having them in the first place.  The stupid shoulds!  I should be farther, I should feel better, I should be over this by now.

Forgiveness for my failings both in and after the relationship do not come easy to me... . ever.

I think with my daughters surgery I was able to put all the emotions aside because I was forced to.  I needed to be there for my daughter.  Now that we are home and I am concentrating on me again the emotions came back full force, in addition to the emotions I had going thru the surgery where losin my daughter was a real possibility.

I think the break in which I suppressed all the painful emotions lead me to think I was much farther along than what I really am.

And coming back to it was a huge shock and I essence disappointment,

[Allmessedup]

Madison 66

This... . "My uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years said something similar to this during the first 3-4 months of the r/s.  She'd say "I will run away from you again and again, and will always come back if you chase after me".  She did run away a handful of times in the first half of the r/s.  That triggered my own fears and then I'd do anything (like let her mow over my boundaries) to keep her from running away again.  After tales of her being a "victim" of sexual abuse, abandonment by her ex H, non support of her family, etc., I took the hook of guilt to not leave or to pursue her when she'd run.  I then allowed continued emotional and then physical abuse until I left the r/s.  Sick, sick, sick, sick!  "

This is my story... . exactly.

She ran, I chased.  I never left her... . there was no physical abuse, but the mental and emotional abuse was huge.

My past revolves around my udBPDmother.  And my abandoning father.  She was both those people rolled into one for me... .

[Madison66]

Allmessedup,

I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of this.  You sound like a devoted and loving person for not having left the r/s sooner.  I was in that position, also.  The physical abuse didn't occur in my r/s until the last month when she spiraled out of control as I was attempting to enforce healthy boundaries.  I learned the hard lesson at that point that this r/s could never be healthy. The covert and overt emotional abuse/blackmail was so thick.  She could even rationalize the behavior and project it on to me in T sessions.  There was no hope that things could ever change.

I read your post about not letting the tears flow yet.  All I can tell you is that I sobbed back in October when I finally let the dream go.  That is when we recycled for the last time (six weeks) and then I left the r/s in early December.  I didn't understand what those tears meant at the time, but they were powerful in allowing my "true self" to emerge to lead me out of the abuse.  Then, I had a T session a couple months ago where I just let it loose.  I cried about how she treated me and that I tried so hard to show her my love and keep the r/s going.  I also cried about how my father could never allow me to get close to him.  I tried so hard in that r/s to get what a 10 year old boy needed, but I couldn't get it.  All those tears in that T session brought me to the point of self forgiveness.  They also opened the door for me to find self love and acceptance within me.  I found great peace in that.

Give yourself some time and space to let the tears flow.  Do it alone or with a friend or with a T.  That flow of emotion and pain can really help you.  Let it flow... .

[seeking balance]

My perfectionist tendencies have issue with that but it's true.

If you have not read Brene' Brown - Gifts of Imperfection then Daring Greatly... . run, don't walk to buy it.  Go to Super Soul Sunday and watch her on Oprah and TED talks - I refer to her weekly as perfectionism has been a big issue for me and working through it is a process.

Perfectionism is another thing we use to avoid feeling pain of lonely or not worthy - if we do everything just right, then we are above judgement and feel worthy... . external validation and unhealthy.  A big difference between that and doing our best... . and for me, one of the biggest issues in me that I have worked on this last year.  I don't want to hijack your thread, but I could go on for days about this and it manifests itself daily with me - I am a work in progress when it comes to perfectionism - letting go and feeling not enough.

It is ok to feel lost and scared and not be perfect - you are still worthy.  CRYING is a great way to let it go... . all the rationalizing in the world won't take that core pain away - lord knows I tried it... . let go

[Allmessedup]

Sb,

This is so the issue for me!

Perfectionism is another thing we use to avoid feeling pain of lonely or not worthy - if we do everything just right, then we are above judgement and feel worthy... . external validation and unhealthy

I struggle with perfectionism and failure to meet that goal.  I will download the book and read it tonight!  I want to achieve perfection and I hate that I don't see it in my self.

In your journey do you know where that drive in you came from? 

[Allmessedup]

Madison,

Thanks for your post! So validating to know I am not the only one.

Sometimes I think if she had physically abused me I would have left.  For whatever reason mental and emotional abuse wasn't enough.  Perhaps because I always had to accept that sort of abuse as love from my FOO. 

I need to cry... . I know this.  I have cried a lot over this relationship... . but I really need to cry over me... .

But that too is scary... .

[Madison66]

I'm reading "Gifts of Imperfection" now.  Great book so far and I look forward to reading ":)aring Greatly".  "Gifts" has some great insight on vulnerability, boundaries, etc.  I can't recommend it more strongly.

[Allmessedup]

Awesome:). I just downloaded both of the books to my ipad:). Perhaps that will put my focus back where it belongs again

[seeking balance]

In your journey do you know where that drive in you came from? 

yes, but this really is something you will need to dig into deeply with a T... . honestly, I know you hesitate because of your career, but I do challenge you to work this a T on this.

... . but I really need to cry over me... .

But that too is scary... .

This is your golden ticket, a T will help you go here and heal in this place.  It is true, you do need to cry for your "little" self.

Brene' Brown has a great story about going to T - she wanted, "tips & techniques... . none of that childhood bs"  Watch it on TED talks, funny and so true for us perfectionists... .

Books are great as is knowledge - but the gut-level healing, IMHO, comes from leaning into the scary pain and coming out the other side.  Eventually you will cry for you.

[Allmessedup]

You have a great memory sb!

Yes I don't work with a T yet.  I am considering more and more but my career makes it difficult and my daughters medical bills make it financially impossible to afford it out of pocket.   I wish it was easier to find one for me... . I shall keep trying to find a way though.

Oh and I read that story in the book!  Too funny and exactly right!

[seeking balance]

You have a great memory sb!

Yes I don't work with a T yet.  I am considering more and more but my career makes it difficult and my daughters medical bills make it financially impossible to afford it out of pocket.   I wish it was easier to find one for me... . I shall keep trying to find a way though.

Oh and I read that story in the book!  Too funny and exactly right!

What is your fear around using your own insurance for T?  Honestly, if it is recommended for T's to have T's, why would there be a stigma for psych nurse to see a T?  Especially after the trauma with your daughter - if anyone asks you can always use that as an "excuse", right?

[Allmessedup]

The fear is that my insurance covers only my workplace therapists... . who know me... . and some of them know my ex... . who worked at the same place

[Allmessedup]

I will add to that,

I could go talk to one of them yes... . and I know I am protected by HIPPA... . but that fear is still there that gossip will occur and if I am too scared to talk to someone I know before going into the session then how am I going to be open in it? Does that make any sense?

[seeking balance]

The fear is that my insurance covers only my workplace therapists... . who know me... . and some of them know my ex... . who worked at the same place

valid fear - but is it reality?  Have you called to find out?

[Allmessedup]

Sadly, yes... . my insurance covers my work place only.

[seeking balance]

Sadly, yes... . my insurance covers my work place only.

ok - are the Psychiatrists professionals?  Honestly?

[coolioqq]

Posted in the wrong place. Sorry! No way to delete it. Mods, please delete this post. Thanks!

[Allmessedup]

The docs here don't do therapy.  Period.  I could get meds from them but that's it... . and I am really not wanting to go that route, I am still functional and that's not going to solve the problem...

We have one psychologist but I work closely with her at times.

It's such a hard thing... I have been at my job so long that I am well known.  And although I have no stigma for going to therapy at all, what I  would be going for is an entirely different matter... . plus there is a huge gossip potential with us both being employed here, and working together... . not to mention the whole lesbian thing when our coworkers identified us as straight.

It's just a damn mess. 

I know I would be way better off seeing a T ... . but my job is important and I am going to become even more well visible soon due to an upcoming project. 

The best I can do is attempt to see if I can get the insurance company to allow me to go outside of network... . but that kind of appeal takes a while