letting go / moving on / accepting / managing the hurt

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I had a massive intro post that probably revealed a bit to much when I started.  I then was a bit afraid to keep posting but I know I have to talk about this.  

At the moment I look like the crazy one.  I also feel like the crazy one as the uexBPD is managing herself on the surface quite well.  To be honest I have been asking myself if I have BPD.  My P has said absolutely not and I got a second opinion and they said I have all the signs of someone coming out of a relationship with a BPD partner.  

My thing is I'm now feeling huge amounts of guilt and loss that I have previously suppressed.  I know that things I took the blame for and was emotionally abused about were not of my making.  I don't know why I did this and how I allowed it to happen.  I know I didn't escalate our issues but didn't know how to cope with the fights and conflict.  

I get huge amounts of anxiety when I think about my ex or my son.  I still love her, I cant understand my own emotions.  I am seeing my P again tomorrow to try and get some strategies for dealing with the anxiety issues.  I have only developed these or seen them in myself in the last 4 weeks since I have been confronting the previous issues in the relationship.  

My thing is I cant go NC as we have a son and I have to fix myself up before I can fight for him properly.  

Any previous thongs that anyone have had help I would love to know.  I have absorbed all of the problems and confronted them in a short space of time.  It was a 4 years problem that I have only started to confront in the last 4 weeks.  

Any tips for coping with the guilt, doubt.  I am as I said feeling like the crazy one.  

[Aussie JJ]

I had a massive intro post that probably revealed a bit to much when I started.  I then was a bit afraid to keep posting but I know I have to talk about this.  

At the moment I look like the crazy one.  I also feel like the crazy one as the uexBPD is managing herself on the surface quite well.  To be honest I have been asking myself if I have BPD.  My P has said absolutely not and I got a second opinion and they said I have all the signs of someone coming out of a relationship with a BPD partner.  

My thing is I'm now feeling huge amounts of guilt and loss that I have previously suppressed.  I know that things I took the blame for and was emotionally abused about were not of my making.  I don't know why I did this and how I allowed it to happen.  I know I didn't escalate our issues but didn't know how to cope with the fights and conflict.  

I get huge amounts of anxiety when I think about my ex or my son.  I still love her, I cant understand my own emotions.  I am seeing my P again tomorrow to try and get some strategies for dealing with the anxiety issues.  I have only developed these or seen them in myself in the last 4 weeks since I have been confronting the previous issues in the relationship.  

My thing is I cant go NC as we have a son and I have to fix myself up before I can fight for him properly.  

Any previous thongs that anyone have had help I would love to know.  I have absorbed all of the problems and confronted them in a short space of time.  It was a 4 years problem that I have only started to confront in the last 4 weeks.  

Any tips for coping with the guilt, doubt.  I am as I said feeling like the crazy one.  

[Ritchie53]

Difficult when you have a significant other involved in this case your son. Usually No Contact is the gateway out of 'Oz' for us. The craziness you feel is a projection of their issues and problems onto us, when discard happens we are left to process this and it is a long hard road whereby they seemingly walk off into the sunset without a care or issue in the world - dont be fooled by this. Thinking you are crazy and thinking you have BPD means one thing, you are not crazy and you do not have BPD - you are just feeling what they feel 24/7 because it was projected onto you.

Now to the other matter/issue. The next best thing to No Contact is Low Contact - there are many forums and also websites relating to Low Contact - read them and evaluate how best to initiate this for your particular circumstance. Eventually down the road you will be out of the FOG and will be back to full strength - it will take time and a lot of work but it will get there and when that happens the ex will not trigger anxiety and you will see that their perceived instruments of emotional destruction will appear no more threatening than infant school yard bully tactics.

[LettingGo14]

I had a massive intro post that probably revealed a bit to much when I started.  I then was a bit afraid to keep posting but I know I have to talk about this.  

You might not feel so good right now, but the fact that you realize you need to talk about this is spot on.  That is a fantastic first step, and healthy insight.   Until I found this community, I felt completely lost and alone and crazy.   I'm glad you are here.

At the moment I look like the crazy one.  I also feel like the crazy one as the uexBPD is managing herself on the surface quite well.  To be honest I have been asking myself if I have BPD.  My P has said absolutely not and I got a second opinion and they said I have all the signs of someone coming out of a relationship with a BPD partner.

Another wise decision on your part to seek counsel from P.  (You are making healthy decisions!)  I felt exactly the same way.   

My thing is I'm now feeling huge amounts of guilt and loss that I have previously suppressed.  I know that things I took the blame for and was emotionally abused about were not of my making.  I don't know why I did this and how I allowed it to happen.  I know I didn't escalate our issues but didn't know how to cope with the fights and conflict.  

I get huge amounts of anxiety when I think about my ex or my son.  I still love her, I cant understand my own emotions.  I am seeing my P again tomorrow to try and get some strategies for dealing with the anxiety issues.  I have only developed these or seen them in myself in the last 4 weeks since I have been confronting the previous issues in the relationship.  

My thing is I cant go NC as we have a son and I have to fix myself up before I can fight for him properly.  

Any previous thongs that anyone have had help I would love to know.  I have absorbed all of the problems and confronted them in a short space of time.  It was a 4 years problem that I have only started to confront in the last 4 weeks.  

Any tips for coping with the guilt, doubt.  I am as I said feeling like the crazy one.  

I promise you this -- "detachment leads to freedom."   It's a process and not a switch, but the more you learn about the disorder -- and, more importantly, about yourself, you will begin your path to freedom.   

I was a wreck before I found this community.  Alone and anxious.  But, I've read the materials here, and the posts of long-time members, and it has decreased my anxiety, and increased my self-acceptance.   We have to be able to forgive ourselves. 

Here's a good starting point on healing: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263

One thing that helped me was to make a gratitude list.   What's one thing in your present moment you are grateful for?

[Aussie JJ]

I'm thankful I'm not holding all of this inside. 

I'm amazed my friends support me when I let her infect all my relationships. 

I'm grateful that I never used violence against her. 

I'm grateful I am starting to ask and develop strategies. 

[Aussie JJ]

That actually feels good.  So far I have written how I am feeling about BPD my fears but not what is better.  I have started swimming and working out again but did that to get healthier physically and it took my mind off it. 

I never would have been encouraged to do these things previously, I was discouraged and made to think looking after myself was stupid. 

I'm grateful I've quit smoking.  I used to use smoking to get away as an escape.  I smoked more at home than at work to run away from fights etc. 

So stupid to say that but I remember being told I wasn't trying to quit properly when I stopped smoking at work 100% and would smoke at home to get away.  That meant I didn't quit at all and then after about a month was back smoking at work. 

[LettingGo14]

That actually feels good. 

I'm glad you wrote the list, and started to share here.  Quitting smoking is huge, as is opening up to other people as well as the possibility for a better life.  As you read and participate, you'll see your story in others' stories.  It helps to kickstart the process of forgiving yourself.   

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm thankful I'm not holding all of this inside. 

I'm amazed my friends support me when I let her infect all my relationships. 

I'm grateful that I never used violence against her. 

I'm grateful I am starting to ask and develop strategies. 

This is what REAL relationships are all about! That mutual thing . Keep posting and getting it all out, it's like gas in your stomach, burp or you will explode!

I'm so sorry that any other human being has to feel this way, it sucks in a major way.

((Aussie))

CiF

[Aussie JJ]

Thank you.   

Reading the other forums and posts I'm now concerned.  Well not concerned but I believe that she might have already moved onto a new partner. 

Its crazy how this information amazes me.  She split up with her precious ex of 5 years (I was chasing her) and went straight out with me. 

This thought absolutely destroyed me then.  I am not coping at all and she has discarded me. 

I sort of get angry at how she could do it so easily.  Then I'm reading the other posts and not surprised. 

Its beyond me how everyone here can be so accepting of the behaviour and not get off balance by it. 

I was concentrating on myself and just let her take over again, this is what I mean by crazy. 

Knowing others have come to terms with this sort of helps but I'm a long long way off being nuteral towards this behaviour. 

[Mutt]

This thought absolutely destroyed me then.  I am not coping at all and she has discarded me.  

I sort of get angry at how she could do it so easily.  Then I'm reading the other posts and not surprised.  

Its beyond me how everyone here can be so accepting of the behaviour and not get off balance by it.  

Knowing others have come to terms with this sort of helps but I'm a long long way off being nuteral towards this behaviour.  

Give yourself time to get to neutrality, indifference, depersonalization. It's painful to be discarded by someone you loved. I went through the same thing, I accepted it because she copes differently than I. She has the ability to move on quickly. I had to acknowledge the pain and process it. I stopped expecting her to cope like how I cope. I set a bar that was too high.

Learning as much as you can about the disorder helps. I did work with a T and a P. I discovered I was enmeshed, as I was detaching and seeing things for what they were, understanding my role and the disorder, I became indifferent. Empathy helped me as well, it's a disorder, if my wife had the choice to choose or not, I don't think that it's something that she would want. I started to look at her differently. Not as a series of symptoms, or false mythos, I saw her as person with feelings. A person that copes differently to stress, hyper-sensitive, emotional arrested development.