Questions and feeling confused

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, All

I am dealing with a BPD mother and I have just come to the realization in therapy recently due to her behaviors responding to my younger sisters suicide letter this past week. My mother has classic BPD behaviors and I have decided the best way to deal with her right now for me and my family is to ignore her all together. I am still receiving text messages from her and voice mail's and they range from her stating that I am destroying our relationship to she can't understand why I am punishing her for my sister's bad choices. I have tried to explain that her behaviors and actions are not acceptable but she refuses to see her part in any of this and instead blames my sister who is very brave young women who asked for help and is receiving counseling now for her issues. My mother has even went as far as to threaten my sister's best friend who is the one that turned in the suicide letter to the school counselor. My mothers delusional thinking is that her best friend will pass this letter around for other kids to see and that she ruined my sister's high career because she brought this to school and not directly to my mother. I have been able to sweep her behavior's under the rug for a long time and I didn't realize that it was a real disease not just her being crazy until last week. My question is has anyone had any luck confronting some one with BPD and telling them that they think they have this disease? I have asked my mother to get help and I thought something was mentally wrong and at first she seemed like she was ok with that and agreed and then at 1 am I got a bunch of mean and hateful text messages stating that I was against her and that she was a good mother. I am starting to feel better but I am not sure if I should try to save this relationship or just leave it altogether. 

[red_caterpillar]

Hi, All

I am dealing with a BPD mother and I have just come to the realization in therapy recently due to her behaviors responding to my younger sisters suicide letter this past week. My mother has classic BPD behaviors and I have decided the best way to deal with her right now for me and my family is to ignore her all together. I am still receiving text messages from her and voice mail's and they range from her stating that I am destroying our relationship to she can't understand why I am punishing her for my sister's bad choices. I have tried to explain that her behaviors and actions are not acceptable but she refuses to see her part in any of this and instead blames my sister who is very brave young women who asked for help and is receiving counseling now for her issues. My mother has even went as far as to threaten my sister's best friend who is the one that turned in the suicide letter to the school counselor. My mothers delusional thinking is that her best friend will pass this letter around for other kids to see and that she ruined my sister's high career because she brought this to school and not directly to my mother. I have been able to sweep her behavior's under the rug for a long time and I didn't realize that it was a real disease not just her being crazy until last week. My question is has anyone had any luck confronting some one with BPD and telling them that they think they have this disease? I have asked my mother to get help and I thought something was mentally wrong and at first she seemed like she was ok with that and agreed and then at 1 am I got a bunch of mean and hateful text messages stating that I was against her and that she was a good mother. I am starting to feel better but I am not sure if I should try to save this relationship or just leave it altogether. 

[whippoorwill]

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but glad that you are starting a journey of understanding and trying to deal with your own feelings/issues. My DH and I recently discovered in our first therapy session that his mother is uBPD. We had to go to therapy because her behavior finally went off the charts and we didn't know how to cope (and we have a small child who his mother is trying to control). We basically ignored her for several weeks and just recently, he called her and told her everything, including that our therapist said she is BPD based on her behaviors that we described, as well as her past. She did not accept that she has a problem, other than anxiety and OCD, which she has been treated for and received therapy for in the past (we're talking about 1980s). She blamed it all on me, and even said that I was the one that got the rest of the family against her (when actually, they were more aware that she had serious problems before I was). So, from my little bit of knowledge about BPD, it sounds like your mother is following the predictable path of behavior when she doesn't accept that she is the one with the problem. From what I can tell, most BPD people do not take responsibility for much at all, and typically blame other people for their own actions and feelings. So, in this case, it is just more of the same, sadly.

[clljhns]

Hi red_caterpillar,

Sounds like a very familiar situation. I am so sorry that you have to go through this with your mother. I am so glad, though, that your sister has sought help for her feelings of wanting to do harm to herself.

I can tell you that both of my sisters attempted suicide. One took an overdose of aspirin, and the other took as many different pills (prescription and aspirin) as should could get form various people and drank a lot of alcohol with the pills. Both attempts occurred within three years. My mother's reaction to both attempts was that she was embarrassed and felt that her reputation was ruined in the community. Interesting statement on her part as she and my father were not actively involved in our community and she had no friends. She stated that the oldest daughter was crazy and the other daughter was just trying to get attention.

She never connected the dots that they both wanted to end their lives because they were so enmeshed with her or were terribly abused by her. Neither one ever went to counseling because she felt it would bring shame to the family.

When I was 19, I voluntarily signed myself in to a psychiatric unit to get help. My parents were asked to come to counseling sessions, and at these sessions my mother stated that there was nothing wrong with me. I was just going through "teen-age stuff" and needed to come home. Neither one of my parents ever took responsibility for their part in any of this. We all wanted to leave, but none of us felt strong enough to do so at the time.

As to telling your mom she has traits of BPD, I seriously doubt that she will accept this or be willing to explore your thoughts on the subject. I could be wrong, as everyone is different. When I recognized that my mom had BPD, I was 24. I tried to talk to my siblings about this, and they didn't want to discuss it, other than to say our mom is crazy. I attempted to introduce the idea of therapy with my mom for years. She would blow up at me and tell me things such as, "You don't love me!" or "I can't do that! My childhood was too painful!" Sometimes she would even blame us kids or my dad for all of her unhappiness and crazy behavior.

Then problem I had was that we could never have a calm, rational discussion about her behavior. She was very defensive and even projected her problems on to those around her.


I think your setting boundaries and offering support to your sister is a wonderful plan for you at this time. If you decide to broach the subject with mom, I would try to do this in a neutral place, where you know she is less likely to blow up.

I hope this helps.

Peace and many blessings

[P.F.Change]

Hi, red_caterpillar,

I'm so sorry to hear your sister attempted suicide. It sounds like she has been in a lot of pain and at such a young age. That must be very difficult for her.  :'( I'm glad she is getting help--you are right, she seems very brave. What about you? How are you coping with all this?

It sounds like you are needing some space from your mother right now, and that is understandable. Ignoring is one option. I like to wait at least 24 hours before responding when my mother (BPD) or sister (BPD traits) seems particularly emotional. It gives us both a chance to find a healthier frame of mind. Tools like TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth help me to communicate my boundaries. If there is something in particular you don't want to discuss with your mother, maybe it might help you.

My question is has anyone had any luck confronting some one with BPD and telling them that they think they have this disease?

A lot of people have tried telling their loved one about BPD. The very nature of the disorder makes it difficult for someone with it to accept this kind of information. This thread might have some relevant advice for you: Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment It might be worth thinking about what your goal would be in telling your mother you think she has BPD. What do you want to come of it?

Wishing you peace,

PF