Moving on... so hard for us.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been lurking on here more than posting lately.  Using it for strength when  I feel I don't have it personally.

It saddens me that there are SO many of us on here, day after day.  Tormented by the behavior of our BPD exes.  Dissecting everything they ever did or said.  Trying to find some validity that the relationship was at one time real to them, that we mattered, that in some way they must grieve for us as badly as we do for them.

Sadly, while we are on here, anguished and in despair, they are happily moving on, often with a new partner and oblivious to our pain, or relishing it.  For me the jury is out on the latter.

I can't tell you how many times I have said to friends lately that I WISH I could be more like my Ex.  And just jump out of this pain and into something new as if changing clothes.  This is like being caught in a vicious storm being pummeled by cold rain and then having to sit in those miserable wet clothes forever.

I am 6 weeks out no contact.  It has not been easy.  I want to reach out to the guy I fell in love with.  I want him to hold me so I can sleep peacefully like I used to.  I want my mind to be erased of the last 6 months.

I'm not sure what hurts most.  That he lied to me.  That he apparently never truly loved me nor were we ever REAL in his mind.  Or, that I thought so highly of him, practically worshipped him as I truly believed before it all unraveled and the ugly truth revealed itself that he was the best man I had ever known.  I had never felt so safe and loved.

Now up is down, black is white...   I don't trust, I don't feel attractive or smart or a real catch for anyone.  How could I be if I could be so easily replaced.

No one has ever been able to get inside my head and F it up like this man has.  And I can't seem to turn myself around.

[sirensong65]

I have been lurking on here more than posting lately.  Using it for strength when  I feel I don't have it personally.

It saddens me that there are SO many of us on here, day after day.  Tormented by the behavior of our BPD exes.  Dissecting everything they ever did or said.  Trying to find some validity that the relationship was at one time real to them, that we mattered, that in some way they must grieve for us as badly as we do for them.

Sadly, while we are on here, anguished and in despair, they are happily moving on, often with a new partner and oblivious to our pain, or relishing it.  For me the jury is out on the latter.

I can't tell you how many times I have said to friends lately that I WISH I could be more like my Ex.  And just jump out of this pain and into something new as if changing clothes.  This is like being caught in a vicious storm being pummeled by cold rain and then having to sit in those miserable wet clothes forever.

I am 6 weeks out no contact.  It has not been easy.  I want to reach out to the guy I fell in love with.  I want him to hold me so I can sleep peacefully like I used to.  I want my mind to be erased of the last 6 months.

I'm not sure what hurts most.  That he lied to me.  That he apparently never truly loved me nor were we ever REAL in his mind.  Or, that I thought so highly of him, practically worshipped him as I truly believed before it all unraveled and the ugly truth revealed itself that he was the best man I had ever known.  I had never felt so safe and loved.

Now up is down, black is white...   I don't trust, I don't feel attractive or smart or a real catch for anyone.  How could I be if I could be so easily replaced.

No one has ever been able to get inside my head and F it up like this man has.  And I can't seem to turn myself around.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm not sure what hurts most.  That he lied to me.  That he apparently never truly loved me nor were we ever REAL in his mind.  Or, that I thought so highly of him, practically worshipped him as I truly believed before it all unraveled and the ugly truth revealed itself that he was the best man I had ever known.  I had never felt so safe and loved.

 I feel you, sirensong. I worshiped my exBPDbf too... . I felt so safe, comfortable, and loved with him. I knew that I would never want for anything, as long as I had him. He was my "home."

Even right now, knowing what I know, I would still love to crawl into bed beside him, feel his big strong arms wrapped around me, and nuzzle my face into his chest to lull myself to sleep to the sound of his steady heartbeat. I still feel him and smell him and hear his voice. I still ache for him.

I wish I could turn these feelings off. But then again I don't. I'm a human being who loves deeply, who can't just shut my emotions off and paint someone else black. I take comfort in that, even though it hurts like hell.

[trappedinlove]

I'm not sure what hurts most.  That he lied to me.  That he apparently never truly loved me nor were we ever REAL in his mind.  Or, that I thought so highly of him, practically worshipped him as I truly believed before it all unraveled and the ugly truth revealed itself that he was the best man I had ever known.  I had never felt so safe and loved.

sirensong65, the betrayal and abandonment hurt like hell. It all feels like a big f*en lie. A plot we played part of in their mind.  I still feel exploited.  My uBPD friend even told me that when she had feelings for me she was "confused" and had different "needs" than she has today.  She was open and brave enough to admit she has no feelings for me now and that she switched and moved on and that she no longer misses me and I'm not in her thoughts.  She was actually very sad when she me told me so, not cruel.  She is aware of her issues with relationships but she hasn't gone the extra step of dealing with it.

So don't dismiss what you had together.  It is very possible it was true for them in a distorted, warped way that we cannot really understand.  Not that is matters or that you should cling to it in hope, but keep the love that you felt close to your heart.  You own it and you can bless (and curse ) the opportunity you had to experience such strong feelings.

I really recommend reading this wonderful blog below of a young lady with BPD who is extremely self aware and open about it after going through meaningful therapy.  It reveals a lot about their side of the story and their struggle with themselves.  I hope it can help with your feelings of betrayal as the reality of things is sad and beyond your ex-partner's control at this stage of his life.

www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com/2012/03/push-me-pull-you-push-pull-cycle.html

[sirensong65]

Actually Trapped, that blog only pissed me off more.  Whether they can help it or not, there is something truly disturbing and disgusting in my opinion that someone can have an intimate relationship with another human being and then just forget them... . out of sight, out of mind.  I regret ever meeting him.  A year of my life I can't get back.

[trappedinlove]

Siren Song, I envy you for your anger.  I don't have it and it's probably a major issue with my codependency and having too much empathy for her. It is very natural to feel angry at them for their behaviour and regretting being there and letting this happen to you. Anger is part of the grief process I'm missing and you are not and I hope it will help you get the strength you need to keep the distance and move on with your recovery.

You said:

I WISH I could be more like my Ex.  And just jump out of this pain and into something new as if changing clothes.

I know what you mean as I said this too so many times to myself and to close friends.

But I think that deep inside we know that this ability to switch and split people comes with a penalty we can't live with.  We've seen the dark side of it and felt it on our own flesh and we don't want to be like our x BPD partners.

However we must let go of our attachment to them for our own sake - to stop the pain, to stay sane and healthy, just in our own way, that is apparently much longer and more painful to us.

Hang in there Siren