Unrequited love hell

[trappedinlove]

Hi everybody,

The last 8 years of my life have been very challenging for me:

My family and I went through crisis after crisis.

Marriage that started to get sour.

Anorexia of my daughter (who has BPD traits, as diagnosed, and as I can tell now that I know much more about it) that got her almost to hospitalization.

That turned into major behavioral problems - running away, stealing, unsafe sex, and eventually uncontrolled anger at home both of my daughter and my then wife.

I left home and my daughter moved out with me to have a safe haven and that helped for a while but the problems resumed after a few months.

During this hectic period I met her, my BPD, with whom I instantly fell in deep love, and still am.

We share an interest and have many shared friends.

We connected around her supporting me with the struggles I've been through with my daughter and separation.

I supported her immensely with her ptsd that originated from sexual abuse during childhood and rape, so we've found, and she made so much progress that I really felt like her saviour when her evident problems and issues got so much better and practically disappeared as our relationship got closer and closer.

I felt that I've finally met the love of my life. My twin spirit, like we've known each other from ever and ever, from previous incarnations.  I imagine that lot's of us here know this feeling when you look into each other's eyes and both of you feel the most profound soul-to-soul connection.

The only problem was that she had a partner at the time. And I was #2. Best friend. THE best friend.

She told me how much she loved me and her struggle not to betray her life partner.

We did not have sex though we were very very close to it.  I didn't want to be her lover.  We didn't want this to become cheating.  We wanted to keep our love pure.

And as time went by I got more and more entrenched with my unrequited love.

We were speaking and texting each other several times a day.  Meeting almost daily, sometimes more than once. Practising our common hobby together every weekend.  Doing shopping together, Meeting friends together. Going out together.  She even took me to meet her parents twice.  It was nuts and I knew it was but I couldn't help it as I was completely addicted to her.  And I still am.

I love her dearly with all my heart.  I am aware of her mental illness and after learning a lot about BPD and PTSD it explains her very well (except for the rage part, but nevertheless... . ), but I know many sides of her and I'm still full of compassion and appreciation for the good sides of her, accepting her as a whole person.

A year later, after my daughter got better when I made some changes in my attitude, growing a lot from handling this crisis, while I was working out my divorce, my estranged wife got diagnosed with cancer.  In a very late stage.

I supported my ex-wife an my family throughout her fight with cancer that she had lost a over a year ago after 5 months of chemo. This has been a journey of growth too for all of us and I can say my children and I handled it well and didn't fall apart.  We grew closer and I moved back home after my late ex-wife passed away/

Yet I still kept my hopes to unite with my BPD love.

A few months later my love's partner broke away from her.

Then all hell turned loose for me.

The opportunity at last has come, so I've felt.  I couldn't sleep or function for a couple weeks out of excitement.

And I carefully tried to find out if she's interested in trying to get into a relationship. And she wasn't ready.  Not at all.

Since then our friendship broke.  We went through several cycles of push-pull with her telling me all her dark secrets when she is close and then turning cold detached and going no contact the next day.

I see her updates on fb.  I don't want to block her, though the more time goes by and I see that it fuels my obsession with her I'm rethinking this decision.

She moved into a different town. Abandoned several friendships she had, not only me, but keeping a couple of them "alive",  these are common friends with me, and we all really care about her.  I didn't share with them the fact that I'm certain she has BPD and I don't know how much they know about her personal history.

She has made new friends, almost instantly, and went public on fb with two love affairs since then.  Both unhealthy.

But she is not the case here.  I am.  I really wish her well, to be happy and successful with her life choices.

I can't get her out of my head, heart and soul.

I can't break out of my obsession with her.

I am frequently sad (some would say depressed but I'm not sure about this) and anxious.

I miss her a lot.

I feel blocked from getting into a new relationship. I kept dating all this time but except for one relationship that felt hopeful for me (and too intense for her) I kept being triggered by the new relationships and had to leave to stop my pain.

And on the bright side of things, I have several supporting and loving friends.

I've shared my feelings with some of them and they are empathic and helpful about it.

I am a good father, though I know I want to spend much more of my time and energy with my kids rather than with this crazy love.

My children are doing well.

I'm very successful at my job.

I hope to get stronger and smarter by this crisis when I get over it, like I grew from others.

I'm trying to NC now but I keep snooping at her fb page and her name keeps popping up on common friends' posts.  She has just had her birthday and she posted a set of pics with her ex, her new love (much younger than her, closer to her son's age than to hers), and her new friends (who I know and met).  She keeps the audience of these posts restricted to her closest friends, as if she's ashamed of her choices, and I'm still in it.

This tears me apart.  My heart is broken.  I'm physically sore and depressed. I keep thinking about her and spending so much mental energy on this non-relationship that I'm afraid to lose my mind.

I know that the right thing for me to do is to detach.  quickly, no matter how much I love her and care for her.

We made plans to be together over the weekend with a couple friends in the end of the month and I don't want to cancel on one side, so not to hurt her and our eternal friendship (in my sick mind), but on the other side I know it will trigger me so badly I'm unlikely to function after that.  Last time we've met was magical.  And the day after, or even that same afternoon, she went NC with me.

What am I doing to myself?

Why can't I put my own interests and well being first?

The more I read about it, it's pretty clear to me I'm codependent in this r/s, but knowing doesn't help much right now.

I'm obsessed and addicted to her but the mere thought of her not being in my life is so painful to me and gets me into anxiety.

I feel like I'll never be able to meet someone that will be so close to me as we were, our friendship was indeed very very special and I'm really afraid to lose it.

[Mutt]

Hi trappedinlove,

I'm sorry that you are experiencing difficulties, struggles and that you are stuck.

The only problem was that she had a partner at the time. And I was #2. Best friend. THE best friend.

She told me how much she loved me and her struggle not to betray her life partner.

We did not have sex though we were very very close to it.  I didn't want to be her lover.  We didn't want this to become cheating.  We wanted to keep our love pure.

And as time went by I got more and more entrenched with my unrequited love.

We were speaking and texting each other several times a day.  Meeting almost daily, sometimes more than once. Practising our common hobby together every weekend.  :)oing shopping together, Meeting friends together. Going out together.  She even took me to meet her parents twice.  It was nuts and I knew it was but I couldn't help it as I was completely addicted to her.  And I still am.

I love her dearly with all my heart.  I am aware of her mental illness and after learning a lot about BPD and PTSD it explains her very well (except for the rage part, but nevertheless... . ), but I know many sides of her and I'm still full of compassion and appreciation for the good sides of her, accepting her as a whole person.

There's 's when you met your ex BPD.

I understand it's difficult that she is with someone else. I share a similar experience. I wanted to know what she was up to with the replacement. It was really difficult. I had peeked on FB profile and it triggered me. Many members have.

NC is to distance yourself and to give yourself time to heal. Look out for you right now and your well being. It's OK that you snooped at her profile. We've all done it, but I would try to stay away from social media.

I would cancel the plans at the end of the month. Don't feel bad, this is about you and your healing. You said so yourself.

Last time we've met was magical.  And the day after, or even that same afternoon, she went NC with me.

I understand the frustration and the addiction to push / pull behavior. You are aware of the triggers. I would find something else to do at the end of the month, to keep your mind busy.

I feel like I'll never be able to meet someone that will be so close to me as we were, our friendship was indeed very very special and I'm really afraid to lose it.

This sounds like enmeshment.

I'm codependent in this r/s, but knowing doesn't help much right now.

I'm co-dependent too. Knowing will help big time. You may not be ready for it right now. Give yourself space. Focus on you. Your head will clear in a few days. Learning about co-dependency / enmeshment will help you to understand, what made you attracted to this person. It will help you to heal and bring true change.

[trappedinlove]

Mutt,

Thanks for your kind reply.

I hear you loud and clear.

I know that remaining NC is the right thing to do.

I know that staying away from social media is the right thing to do.

I know I should cancel the plan to be together next weekend.

The thoughts about doing that cause me panic.

I'm feeling in my body it right now when writing this response.

I can't breath easily.

My stomach is turning over.

I feel nauseous.

I'm afraid of losing her.

Never loving her again.

Never seeing her again.

I feel like a child losing a parent.

When we were close we opened up to each other with complete trust, unravelling all our defence mechanisms, as if entrusting our lives with the other's hands very much like an infant and parent would.

It was symmetric at the time and it felt like the most wonderful feeling possible.

I crave that.  Every time we physically meet just the presence of her is calming me so much.

I'm not sure if it's the chemistry, pheromones and all, between us that's doing that.

But it's the whole combination of chemistry, her smell, her looks, her voice, the touch of her skin, her personality (she is charming beyond everyone else I know), her vulnerability, her intelligence, her dreams and fantasies, ... .

I'm ruminating in real time now.

I know I'm addicted and not being able to stop it doesn't make sense at all.

[Mutt]

You say you hear me loud and clear.

You described her as "living in a mental hell'

Yet, you're idealizing her in your post, quite the different contrast.

Can you articulate mental hell to me?

[trappedinlove]

My mental hell:

Constantly thinking about her and our relationship, what is she up to, who is she seeing, who does she love.

Occupying myself with questions about why doesn't she reciprocate my love, why did she reject me, why did she split me, why does she contact me every time as if nothing happened, why is she turning around and disengaging when every time we met felt so good, why does she keep sharing with me her secrets she's keeping from the rest of the world, what the hell does she want from me and my life.

Feeling so much love to her and her son and not being able to express it.

Missing her so much and wanting to be with there and do the things we both like and loved doing together.

Missing the mutual love and appreciation for each other we shared.

Missing the happiness and fun we had.

Missing her physicality: hugging, smell, touch and tenderness.

Missing her child-like energy, her "contagious", rejuvenating excitement about stuff (that we both love).

Missing her wisdom and the conversations we had just about everything.

Missing the advises I got from and the honest constructive criticism I got from her that help me get through some challenges of my life.

Missing being there for her when she needed me, supporting her through her moods, learning about her inner world, her pain, her dark past, her issues with emotions and relationships, and being able to really make a difference, and being appreciated and loved for that.

This is hell for me because the pain is so intense, both physically and emotionally, and when I'm triggered I can't stop it.  It engulfs me and I feel that I have no control over my phyche.

It mixes with feelings of shame and guilt about the energy I'm losing and not spending wisely on myself and my children and my work.

Feeling abandoned and used and betrayed.

Knowing that my neediness and clinging to the past just makes it harder to sustain any healthy relationship.

Her mental hell:

Dealing with constant mood swings, from pure joyful excitement one moment to sad depression.

Not being able to be really close and trust anyone in a stable way as the closer she gets to someone the harder her anxiety about losing him increases.

Feeling guilty that she can't return the love she is receiving because of the above.

Being attracted to unhealthy/"forbidden" relationships that are bound to fail (sadly I recognize the r/s with me was such one).

Losing friends and relatives because of her behavior - and the related guilt she feels (and I swear I saw it, I don't think it she played it, she's just very good at dissociating from it most of the time)

Not completely trusting her sense of reality and judgement of other people's behavior.

Feeling misunderstood and lonely in her world (though being surrounded with friends and loving people).

[Jb101]

There are other women, and you sound like you are letting yourself feel like nobody else could make you happy... .

It's horrible, I know. I'm still struggling with a breakup myself. But NC is the healthiest, let it go, improve your life. Don't get caught in a dysfunctional cycle that is eventually doomed... . Easier said than done and I'm guilty of going back plenty of times, but you need to be strong and try to put your health ahead of short term emotional reprieve.

[Mutt]

Occupying myself with questions about why doesn't she reciprocate my love, why did she reject me, why did she split me, why does she contact me every time as if nothing happened, why is she turning around and disengaging when every time we met felt so good, why does she keep sharing with me her secrets she's keeping from the rest of the world, what the hell does she want from me and my life.

Why?

Because she's mentally ill.

She is not going to change. No amount of your undying love, is going to change that.

It is a serious disorder. You, or I are not above it.

You are going to have to change. Start with NC, clear your head.

[seeking balance]

Welcome Trapped,

You have had a tremendous amount of loss and grief over the last 8 years.  Did you seek support groups or Therapy of your own during this time?

Peace,

SB

[trappedinlove]

Mutt: thanks for reflecting these facts so clearly.  It helps to accept my reality as it is.

SB: thanks for your concern.  I had several therapies during this time, some were more successful than the others.  Last one helped me a lot getting into some core FOO issues and non-issues, though my attachment was obviously not resolved and I'm relapsing.  I feel it's time for another T ride to deal with my codependency and get a better handle over my feelings and emotions so I can focus more on me and my well being rather than escape to misery land.