What to do when they are splitting?

[Miss Topaz]

Hey

today my boyfriend was triggered over something so small I didn't even see the split coming but it pretty much has. I read the messages but ignored them but this seemed to annoy him further ' no response once again'  and it still escalated. What should I say/do when this is happening?

Thanks

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[Chosen]

When they split, I don't think they're conscious of it (if they are, it will make them horrible jerks).

For me, unless it's something that steps on my boundaries (like he splits and starts name-calling), I continue to respond to him, because like you, if I suddenly stop, he'll say I'm ignoring him.

However, if you feel the need to stop, I suggest you to first tell him "I don't accept hit__.  I will no longer participate in this conversation."  before shutting up, so at least he will know the reason you stop talking (even though he'll not like it).  But don't convey it in an angry manner; that will cause him to think you're "punishing" him.  Try to do it as calmly as possible.

[Miss Topaz]

 Thanks so much Chosen for the advice!

Hmm

Tonight he messaged me to say he has gotten drunk and mentioned he was depressed and I offered to speak to him on the phone he refused. somehow I knew this convo wold end in a 'split' if I kept messaging him so I said I was going to sleep and have ignored his messages... . after reading this advice I am a little worried he may be messaging so much out of anger that  I am ignoring him as he won't believe I fell asleep so fast.

I worry if I tell him I am leaving the convo it will infuriate him as he can't see he is being unreasonable(or about to becomes so) and a split will still occur.

[Jox]

Hi,

I tell him: - I do want to listen to you but not now.  I assure tomorrow... .

If he gets more aggressive then I physically move out of the space, or if this is impossible I say : - I don't want to have conversation with this tone, energy... .

If the splitting is not towards you but other person DON'T say a thing, let him vent it out, and even, if he insists agree with him.  This will not do any harm at all, or perpetuate his condition.

when splitting the person is actually "protecting" themselves from attacker, who is usually us, or emotionally close person.  In their eyes we do become evil and fundamentally antagonistic to their well being.  This behaviour is totally irrational and has no grounding even for themselves, the example is that he NEVER talked about the event the day after, and I have be carefully observing to see if he would bring it up, and it never happened.

Best

Jox

[an0ught]

Hi Miss Topaz,

I worry if I tell him I am leaving the convo it will infuriate him as he can't see he is being unreasonable(or about to becomes so) and a split will still occur.

you are really not responsible for his emotions. In fact you have not much control over them. He does not have much control over them.

When I was a child I was told that when I won't eat my spinach the sun would not shine the next day.

Now it is ok to worry about the weather.

But it is really not ok to feel responsible for it.

Now your behavior and his mental state are a bit closer linked than in my example. But still there are so many factors affecting him - external and internal to him - that you should refuse to carry that load.

It is important to keep the communication going in some way - we want to be connected.

Whether he thinks at any moment you are black or white - it is impossible to control. Tying to do that makes you easily game-able and a pawn to his emotions. Who wants to be connected to a pawn? Ultimately this is corrosive to the relationship.

Be more yourself . Bart does not always appreciate his sister but it is his sister after all and he stands by her.

[Miss Topaz]

Hey all, hope u see this


Well thanks for all the advice sorry I took so long to respond. I tried to take everything you said into consideration. He has broken up with me, it is a strange one but he wasn't 'raging; but he did try and bait me by being cold and cruel now he is saying he 'doesn't remember how to love me' and even though he is lonely he needs to be 'selfish to survive' and that when he has been loving recently ( we recently had a great day out)those were moments he 'remembered what it was like to love me.' He has done this a lot recently. He is under a lot of stress and he only ever does this when he has a bad day/feels disconnected ( as he admitted to feeling). I have not responded to the most recent long message. It is his birthday today I don't know whether to wish him or leave him for a week or so to see if he is serious this time.

What do you think?

Feel scared this time its for real and may no longer  even belong on this board ( and not due to recovery)