Thinking about something she said (and a few other things)

[JohnThorn]

(If you don't have a lot of time feel free to skip the introduction and go right to the blue section)

My ex BPD gf was a major part of my life for many years, before we were together.  I think because of this there was a very short honeymoon period.  We already knew eachother like family in some ways.  The honeymoon period was easily less than a month.  Our whole relationship was less than 8 months in fact. 

Our fights were BAD.  My reactions to her abusive behavior was BAD.  I know all about her past relationships, and I KNOW that my reactions to her behavior was the worst she'd ever witnessed.  The reason I reacted so extreme is unknown to me.  I am the only guy who knew her intimately prior to being with her.  I am also likely the most sensitive guy she ever was with (something she loved when I was painted white)... . She was constantly saying to me "I know something is wrong with me. But something is also CLEARLY wrong with you."  She would often shoot back at me "NO YOU HAVE BORDERLINE, ITS OBVIOUS"

I have sought therapy for much of my adult life.  I have spoken with numerous psychologists, social workers and psychiatrists, and even had the opportunity to meet BPD specialist Otto Kernberg many years ago.  I never had an precise diagnosis of anything beyond except that I suffer from bouts of depression at times and I DO admit to having undertones of narcissism which is rooted in my insecurity.  I think this makes me very vulnerable to a BPD.  I have managed to have long term relationships of great productivity, but the happiness eventually became hard to sustain. 

My biggest worry is that the girls who I had most passion for, I also had the worst relationships with.  I dated another woman long ago who had undertones of BPD, but I don't think she had real BPD like my current ex.  I seem to have had the strongest feelings for these two girls.  And other women who I've dated who were more stable and "normal" I seemed to never develop heartfelt passion for. I wonder what that's about. 

ANYWAY ON TO THE THING SHE SAID THAT I'VE BEEN CONTEMPLATING:

In one of our last talks she admitted (as she had many times before)... . "I'm a mess in relationships.  I am the most destructive person you will ever meet... . " the conversation persisted for a little while and she said something I found very odd:

"I think I do have borderline personality disorder, but I think it only comes out with you"

Could there be any hint of truth in this? I know a mental illness is not elective like this.  BUT, is it possible that her mental illness is better contained when I'm not around. Or was this just a quip in the spirit of splitting me black and taking the blame off her?

[free-n-clear]

  Hi, JT. Some of the things she's said to you are similar to things my uBPDxgf told me:

  "I'm a mess in relationships".

Mine: "Love scares me".   "I always push away the ones I love the most".

  "I am the most destructive person you will ever meet... . "

Mine:  "I'll only drag you down".

But as for this one:

"I think I do have borderline personality disorder, but I think it only comes out with you"

  The reason it "comes out" with you is not you, per se, but the fact that you have gotten close enough to her to trigger her fear of abandonment. This is why they can seem to be happy, normal people with more casual acquaintances, but transform into someone completely different with their "loved" one.

[cron65]

Her response is typical BPD. She blames you for bringing out her BPD. NOt her.it's all your fault. Typical BPD response... . it's not you. It's her.

[Madison66]

Hi JohnThorn,

Please don't beat yourself up for reacting like you did to the abuse.  I think I handled the abuse better early in the r/s and then I just became frustrated and angry at how I was being treated and how I was allowing myself to be treated.  That last part is where I was really stuck.  So, like many here I felt like the only way she'd hear me was if I said (or yelled) it louder.  We've all been there and it sucked to high heaven!  Now, you are on the right track in honestly looking in the mirror to identify patterns in relationships and behavior.  That's called self awareness and it is a wonderful thing!  Keep digging and keep questioning, and at the same time be easy on yourself.  You were dealing with an impossible and unfair situation.

[Narellan]

Yeah John, there may be some truth in it. She's more or less saying you are a trigger to her. Not all relationships are all consuming and intense. It's a combination of what you and she are both bringing to the table that makes it so intense... . And on the flip side... . So dysfunctional. I've never felt anything like this before. The soul connection, and the extremely intense and impulsive  sex make it a mind blowing relationship. It's addictive isn't it? There may be other people out there who bring different things to the table and calm them. My ex told me he thought he was over sex, hadnt  had an erection for 6 months, then met me and bam, every time he thought of me which was every minute of the day allegedly, there was action. He said it drove him crazy he had never experienced that before. Probably all BS but I soaked it all in. The chemistry between us was unreal. Literally.

[HappyNihilist]

In one of our last talks she admitted (as she had many times before)... . "I'm a mess in relationships.  I am the most destructive person you will ever meet... . " the conversation persisted for a little while and she said something I found very odd:

"I think I do have borderline personality disorder, but I think it only comes out with you"

Could there be any hint of truth in this? I know a mental illness is not elective like this.  BUT, is it possible that her mental illness is better contained when I'm not around. Or was this just a quip in the spirit of splitting me black and taking the blame off her?

I'm inclined to agree that certain people and certain r/s's can be extremely triggering for someone with a PD.

My exBPDbf had his most stable, successful long-term relationship with a woman who didn't trigger a lot of abandonment/engulfment fears. It wasn't a "great" r/s (he can be a, let's say, difficult person under even good circumstances), and both of them hurt each other and themselves, but it didn't send him reeling headlong into trauma and chaos.

I honestly feel terrible for triggering him so badly. If I'd known what I was dealing with, I'm not sure I would have stayed. He had his life in a pretty good state before me. Knowing what I know now, looking back over everything, I realize that this r/s has probably f#cked him over far more than it has me, in the long run.

That doesn't mean that I blame myself, or anyone else. It is, sadly, what it is. I can only hope to minimize the damage by taking care of myself and detaching. It's the best thing for both of us.