always all about her

[Lion Fire]

Whenever I had an issue (work, money, stress etc... ) in my life that was troublesome she would immediately jump to my aid in a 'Wonder Woman' style. She would speak words of love and comfort and then help me with practical solutions... . I got the impression that she was there for me and was convinced she was genuinely concerned and had my back so I would open up and make myself vulnerable... . big big mistake because this showed weakness.

This would ALWAYS be followed by a dark dark mood later on the same day when she would fall into heavy resentment and accuse me of being needy and incapable and sapping all of her energy. She would say that her life was about meeting my needs and her needs where never  being met in our relationship. She would pull away on every level and punish me and tell me at some point that I cannot offer her what she needs and she wants out of the relationship.Out of character, I would cling and plead for her to reconsider. This made me feel very unsafe and I would question myself, wondering if I was all the things she said. I lost total confidence.

As things progressed and more problems arose she became extremely intolerant and brutal when I brought up any concerns I had about life or our relationship. She would blow like a volcano up and tell me to "just man up and grow some balls". Her favourite was that I am a young boy in a man's body and needed extensive therapy. 

For this reason, I would then keep my problems to myself and deal with them privately. She would then confront me aggressively and accuse me of "flying solo" in the relationship and being secretive, cunning and untrustworthy.

It took me a while to realise that her concern and care was not real and it really was all about her. Everything was about her even if it seemed to be about me   

[imstronghere2]

Whenever I had an issue (work, money, stress etc... ) in my life that was troublesome she would immediately jump to my aid in a 'Wonder Woman' style. She would speak words of love and comfort and then help me with practical solutions... . I got the impression that she was there for me and was convinced she was genuinely concerned and had my back so I would open up and make myself vulnerable... . big big mistake because this showed weakness.

This would ALWAYS be followed by a dark dark mood later on the same day when she would fall into heavy resentment and accuse me of being needy and incapable and sapping all of her energy. She would say that her life was about meeting my needs and her needs where never  being met in our relationship. She would pull away on every level and punish me and tell me at some point that I cannot offer her what she needs and she wants out of the relationship.Out of character, I would cling and plead for her to reconsider. This made me feel very unsafe and I would question myself, wondering if I was all the things she said. I lost total confidence.

As things progressed and more problems arose she became extremely intolerant and brutal when I brought up any concerns I had about life or our relationship. She would blow like a volcano up and tell me to "just man up and grow some balls". Her favourite was that I am a young boy in a man's body and needed extensive therapy. 

For this reason, I would then keep my problems to myself and deal with them privately. She would then confront me aggressively and accuse me of "flying solo" in the relationship and being secretive, cunning and untrustworthy.

It took me a while to realise that her concern and care was not real and it really was all about her. Everything was about her even if it seemed to be about me   

Almost 100% exactly my experience also.  I was drowning in the river of "denial".  The most brutal part is your final realization that her concern and care was not real and it really was all about her.

All the time.  From beginning to end.

Acceptance is a critical step to recovering from this.  My exwBPD, married for 19 years was able to abandon not just me but our two children, her home and her pets and never look back.  That's how deep their selfishness can run.

[bpdspell]

Whenever I had an issue (work, money, stress etc... ) in my life that was troublesome she would immediately jump to my aid in a 'Wonder Woman' style.

Idealization and putting us on a pedestal

She would speak words of love and comfort and then help me with practical solutions... . I got the impression that she was there for me and was convinced she was genuinely concerned and had my back so I would open up and make myself vulnerable... . big big mistake because this showed weakness.

Again: Idealization combined with love bombing.

This would ALWAYS be followed by a dark dark mood later on the same day when she would fall into heavy resentment and accuse me of being needy and incapable and sapping all of her energy. She would say that her life was about meeting my needs and her needs where never  being met in our relationship. She would pull away on every level and punish me and tell me at some point that I cannot offer her what she needs and she wants out of the relationship.Out of character, I would cling and plead for her to reconsider. This made me feel very unsafe and I would question myself, wondering if I was all the things she said. I lost total confidence.

Classic Projection. It's the ability to make someone else feel the worst of your feelings.

As things progressed and more problems arose she became extremely intolerant and brutal when I brought up any concerns I had about life or our relationship. She would blow like a volcano up and tell me to "just man up and grow some balls". Her favourite was that I am a young boy in a man's body and needed extensive therapy.  

Projection and the Dropping of the Mask. This is the real her as the work of grooming you in the idealization days is no longer necessary.

For this reason, I would then keep my problems to myself and deal with them privately. She would then confront me aggressively and accuse me of "flying solo" in the relationship and being secretive, cunning and untrustworthy.

A borderline relationship evolves to become parasitical. Your needs aren't valued because a child cannot value an adults needs.

It took me a while to realise that her concern and care was not real (Idealization, mirroring)  and it really was all about her. Everything was about her even if it seemed to be about me    

As with all relationships borderline or not people have the tendency to show you their "representative" the idealized part that will make them look like a great catch and make great first impressions. But this "representative" cannot hold up it's facade for long. Eventually cracks, blemishes, character traits, and all the ugly things that most people hide about themselves come to the surface. But with a borderline what's revealed is their mental illness. It cannot be hidden from view for long because it is a part of who they are.

Everything you described is exactly how a borderline relationship evolves. From love bombing, idealization, and being put on a pedestal to the dropping of the mask and grooming you to the point where only their needs matter. It's always about them cause that's exactly how CHILDREN are.

Spell

[Lion Fire]

Spell.

I can see the pattern clearly now... . the benefit of hindsight

it was a long, skilful and seductive build up and "grooming" process. Years in fact. She had been telling me for years to let go of my fears and have a relationship with her so that we could "roll down hills together, make babies and have one big loving adventure".

When I finally did, she was on her best behaviour for a full week, then the first blowout which was brutal but just for starters. Thereafter it was a progressive and systematic breaking me down process to the point where I was so confused and stunned that I could hardly function.

It was a 2,5 year build up, 1 week of bliss and then 9 weeks of push and pull where I was dragged and tugged like a rag doll.

I give myself credit for cutting out after 10 weeks. That says to me that I had enough self respect and strength to get out before i was ripped to shreds and destroyed.

To be fair, there are many beautiful aspects to her. When I get locked into missing her and thinking only of the good times, I make sure I log on here and remind myself of the brutality and emotional violence of the bad times.

This keeps me grounded in reality.

[Mutt]

I recall exactly when there was a fundamental change in the r/s. The idealization phase stopped, the attention was redirected on her. As you say it became "always about her." This article articulates that paradigm shift between lover and clinger wholly.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[BacknthSaddle]

It took me a while to realise that her concern and care was not real and it really was all about her. Everything was about her even if it seemed to be about me   

Bingo.  I still find myself trying to convince myself that this was not the case at times, even though I know intellectually that it was. 

[guest29]

Similar situation to you! Broken down little by little over 10 weeks. Ended up feeling like I had no balls. I have been no contact for almost 4 weeks. Today a massive anger broke through. I realised at a feeling level all the ___ing abuse and betrayal I went through and the worse of me came out. I never thought I could hold so much anger and dark feelings of vengefulness towards anyone. But today I recognised it. Boy I ___ing hate her! Enough with the nicey nice compassionate persona. It's  shame that I couldn't tell all that to her face and what a sadistic piece of ___ she is and ended it all nice and compassionately within reason. I wish her the worst right now

[AwakenedOne]

I give myself credit for cutting out after 10 weeks. That says to me that I had enough self respect and strength to get out before i was ripped to shreds and destroyed.

Yeah you should be proud of yourself for saying enough is enough at that point. I was married 4 years through it. It took a while to develop into hell though and there were good times mixed in. I never new about BPD till after the breakup. Be thankful you didn't get married or have children together.

[Jb101]

Similar situation to you! Broken down little by little over 10 weeks. Ended up feeling like I had no balls. I have been no contact for almost 4 weeks. Today a massive anger broke through. I realised at a feeling level all theing abuse and betrayal I went through and the worse of me came out. I never thought I could hold so much anger and dark feelings of vengefulness towards anyone. But today I recognised it. Boy Iing hate her! Enough with the nicey nice compassionate persona. It's  shame that I couldn't tell all that to her face and what a sadistic piece of she is and ended it all nice and compassionately within reason. I wish her the worst right now

If it gives you another perspective... . I did exactly that a few nights back, told her she was evil and went for it etc... . felt like crap about it since. It makes you feel less human. To have compassion and be hurt shows we are human, to be like them and pretend we can lash out without feeling evil is not... .

[HappyNihilist]

I recall exactly when there was a fundamental change in the r/s. The idealization phase stopped, the attention was redirected on her. As you say it became "always about her."

Same here, Mutt. That switch is vividly impressed upon my psyche. It was almost like one day he just woke up and said, "Yep, from now on it's the Me Show." And that was just the way it was.

[numb_buddha]

I just want to verify that this was true for me. Early in the relationship there were hints of what would come but, generally, we seemed on somewhat equal footing. At some point in the first few months, however, things turned drastically to being all about her.

Not surprisingly, she would accuse me of exactly this when I'd point out we are always addressing some crisis and that everything seems to be entirely on her terms. She'd admit things are crazy in her life now and would then state that it was me who was being selfish for not being more understanding of her. A lot of times I would try and change the subject from the melodrama that was her life to talk about my own day or to just lighten the air, though it never worked. Provided she had a bad day or a bad hour since we last spoke, which seemed like it was always, nothing was on the agenda but talking about her and her problems (work, health, finances).

My life, what happened for me during my own day? Not something that interested her.

To someone with BPD, needing them to show you love and needing them to be there for you as well is selfish.

[HappyNihilist]

I just want to verify that this was true for me. Early in the relationship there were hints of what would come but, generally, we seemed on somewhat equal footing. At some point in the first few months, however, things turned drastically to being all about her.

My r/s went like that, too. At the beginning, it seemed quite equal. Give-and-take. Supporting each other.

Not for long... .  

My life, what happened for me during my own day? Not something that interested her.

My exbf and I work in the same field and have worked together on projects over the past few years. He's one of the few people I can talk to about my specific work without having to do a lot of "background" explanation. We would often hash out problems together or just vent to each other.

I vividly remember one day... . I'd been dealing with a bunch of stuff at work over the past few weeks and people were driving me crazy.  I was trying to tell him what was going on. He kept interrupting every single sentence with child-like things: "Uh-huh? Really? Yeah? Really? Uh-huh?" Over and over while I was talking. After a few minutes of this, I paused and then asked, ":)o you not want to talk about this?" He acted very hurt and said he was just "being playful" with me. Then he changed the subject. End of discussion. I basically never got to talk about any of my activities, problems, or day-to-day life without him ever again after that.