My brother, my brother. My reply in parts are below:
Ok, so reading the title of this thread people are probably worried by the fact that I may be getting dragged into another abusive relationship with my BPD/HPDexgf. Somehow, I can't see this happening... .
After reading the rest of your post, I don't see that you're getting "dragged" back in to another abusive r/s. I see you trying to "fall" in to another abusive r/s.
My ex hates me. These meant nothing to her so it was *clearly* just a reason to initiate contact with me.
Not so *clearly* in my eyes. My guess is that you were hopeful that it was a reason for her to initiate contact. YOU may judge those items as being worthless to her, but they may not of been worthless items at all in her mind. Think outside of your wishes a bit and think that perhaps, just perhaps, she really wanted those items *and nothing more*?
At first she was polite and things were civil. She explained that her auntie had died and looked very upset. When I reminded her that I was there to talk if she needed someone, she explained that she couldn't forgive me for the things I have done since the relationship... .
Purely a guess again but sure, she was polite and civil *because she didn't want a confrontation with you*. She clearly doesn't want your friendship or to talk with you about *anything* at this point. Could she change her mind? Perhaps but right now she has attached the emotion of hurt and pain of the phone peeping incident with the memory of *you*. She sees you and she sees pain and hurt. Their memories are tied to the emotional state that they were in at the time that they happened and unfortunately, her last big emotional memory is of you looking through her phone. She's going to need some time to process that and begin to move on from that before she will want anything more than to retrieve her last few items.
But, HATE IS STILL AN EMOTION. For someone who is so keen to dislike me, she seemed very happy to talk about her life with me for a small period of time, and she seems happy to continue playing her stupid games too. She assumes that I still love her (I know this from things she said), but at no point did I show any real emotion towards her. This seemed to frustrate her somewhat.
Her games or yours? She wanted her stuff back. She was polite and civil up and to the point that you pressed her for more. She wanted a listener and you fed her your opinions ("You can talk to me when you're sad and lonely and are thinking of me"... . oh I know, you didn't *speak* that to her but that's what she heard.
Perhaps the main thing is that she has not found a replacement yet, and she is clearly very lonely right now.
Assuming makes an "ass" out of u and me. You're assuming that she's lonely and hasn't found a replacement and you're *hoping* that she will recycle with you. You're torturing yourself by staying in this state of mind.
I have found a couple of her belongings in my room today and have decided to box them up and leave them outside her house with a note attached. I am basically going to apologise for everything that I have done (validation),
That's not validating her emotions, that's lowering your self-pride in the hopes of gaining her sympathy.
and explain that I am here if she needs someone. But I do not want to talk about the relationship anymore.
She doesn't want your apology, you explanation nor your availability should she need someone. Not right now. Now is not the time. Anything more in the note other than "I found these last few things of yours and I wanted to return them to you. Signed, me" is a waste of your effort, esteem and time.
I have started a new chapter and what's happened is in the past now and cannot be changed... .
Sounds like you haven't started a new chapter yet because you are clinging on to the old one... . IMHO. Close the door for a while, give her and more importantly YOURSELF time to heal. Leave her be. If she does miss you and think of you, she knows how to reach you. The more you try to pull her in, the more that she is going to push you away. Sure, you run the risk of her forgetting you completely and moving on with someone else (if she hasn't already) but if she does... . well then you know that it wasn't you that she wants to be with. Right?
The ball will be in her court then, but at least she knows where I stand. No more mind games.
My opinion again... . you need to put that ball back in YOUR court and give her space and time and do the same for yourself. You're right... . no more mind games. Yours nor hers.
... . from what I have seen, she is getting along just fine.
Then let her be. Just let it be. For now at least.
She instigated the breakup, so surely she is over it after months?
That would be purely speculative once again on your part. Who knows. Time will tell you the answer to that one.
However, she doesn't have a replacement. She has posted on twitter recently saying things like "I guess sometimes a women absolutely has to be rescued" and "a knock off is much harder to spot when it comes to love". She was the one to bring up the past relationship and has blamed me for the fact we are no longer together. I'm just confused. How much longer will I be painted black? I know that pwBPD's typically return to exes in this type of situation, but I feel like the pain and embarrassment associated with my finding out about her is keeping her from coming back to me. We're back in NC now... . I hope that by sending this letter she will at least see where I stand... .
Keep it NC and fight like hell to keep it as such and see if she doesn't reach out to you. The ball is in your court to regain your sanity and peace of mind. It's her play as to whether she wants to or will ever reach out to you again. You can't force that. You can't convince her otherwise. You can't rationalize it. You just need to work on healing yourself and then... . if and when she does reach back out to you, then you need to figure out if you really want to put in the effort that a r/s with a pwBPD takes is worth it to you.
Stay strong and HEAL. . She was the one to bring up the past relationship and has blamed me for the fact we are no longer together. I
