The Ultimate Act of Detaching

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I suppose I am being tested to the ultimate degree now.  My soon to be exBPDh is again insinuating that he has nothing to live for and I have this morning again received a woeful and heart-wrenchingly tragic email from him to this effect.

The man has a way of shooting that barb straight into my heart with his words.

He has attempted suicide on at least two other occasions during his troubled young life (37years) before I knew him. He told me as much, once by trying to hang himself and once via a heroin overdose.

And now I am to be at the receiving end of this tragic and hopeless act... . he is trying to pin it on me this time.

He moved out of the house two weeks ago.  As far as I can tell, he is now in a different town, about 3 hours' drive away from here.

He of course never communicates clearly at the best of times, and I think he has been trying to keep me guessing as to his whereabouts, but what he has probably forgotten, is that everytime a claim is made against my Medical Insurance, I get an automated email, detailling where and when the claim was made.  So I know that a week ago he was in a town 3 hours away from here.

He tried to get hold of me frantically on Saturday, clearly he has run out of money.  I am due to pay him a monthly maintenance for the next while, as part of our divorce terms.  So he managed to get me to pay him a month early!  He was very agitated and manipulative and somewhat threatening (making veiled threats of being able to get hold of me, even when I avoid him).  The thing is, he changes his mobile number so often, it is impossible to keep track of it. And he left voice messages for me on a number that my phone did not recognise and I could not return the calls or message him on that number. 

This morning, I saw that he wrote me another of his tragically sad, resigned emails as to how his life is not worth living any more without me.  He sent a sad looking photo of himself too.  He said goodbye and recreated a scene of us lying in bed in my house, saying goodnight to each other while my three cats ("our children" he called them) lie at the foot of the bed. He said I was crying and saying that I do love him, and then he said he loves me too and goodnight... .

Pathetically sad and totally emotionally manipulative, but it does get to me and fill me with huge sadness and loss. And anger.

I guess there is no advice for this situation.  No guidelines I can Google on the Internet. Nothing anybody can say to make this all go away.  It is a person's final choice, as to whether they want to live or die.

It is tragic really, he is basically a healthy man. He of course has this personality disorder, and supposedly Bipolar Mood Disorder.  He has childhood trauma, sexual and physical abuse issues, incest issues.  Call it Complex PTSD.  He is epileptic. He has dyslexia, which he seems to cope with well, as his spelling is not too bad most of the time and he can read and write quite well.

He is physically a strong guy, well built and good looking.  He comes across as very beguiling and charming and reserved and polite.

He has nihilistic tattoos on his arms and neck (ugly, self-hating words) which he can cover up and people don't have to see them and treat him badly for it.

He has a lot of somatic complaints, I tend to think he is hypochondriac, forever has allergies or bodily aches and pains.

But, on the whole, he is a very capable guy when he sets his mind to it. He has held down jobs and earned his own money in the past.  He can get along with people on the surface of it.

But now he thinks he has lost absolutely everything, by me filing for divorce 11 months into this fraught marriage of ours.

He did not even like living in my house, in my town, in my suburb. He complained daily about one thing or another.  My car wasn't good enough, I did not have satellite tv. He was bored sitting around alone at home all day.  He resented having to do housework or garden work.  He hated not having any of his own money. He hated me treating him as his patient, although that is the only way he seemed to know how to behave, as a total victim needing to be taken care of.

But now, it is a great tragedy to him to have lost "everything".  He loves me so deeply and cannot carry on living without me.

So, this month there are some milestone dates for him to choose, if he decides to die at his own hand.  Today is a significant date according to his religious belief, so after sunset tonight, he might go and partake in the "Lord's Last Supper" and then be done.

Or on the 27th April, it would have been our first wedding anniversary, so he could choose that day as one last desperate act of drama... .

Lord protect him and help me if it comes down to it.

[Ihope2]

I suppose I am being tested to the ultimate degree now.  My soon to be exBPDh is again insinuating that he has nothing to live for and I have this morning again received a woeful and heart-wrenchingly tragic email from him to this effect.

The man has a way of shooting that barb straight into my heart with his words.

He has attempted suicide on at least two other occasions during his troubled young life (37years) before I knew him. He told me as much, once by trying to hang himself and once via a heroin overdose.

And now I am to be at the receiving end of this tragic and hopeless act... . he is trying to pin it on me this time.

He moved out of the house two weeks ago.  As far as I can tell, he is now in a different town, about 3 hours' drive away from here.

He of course never communicates clearly at the best of times, and I think he has been trying to keep me guessing as to his whereabouts, but what he has probably forgotten, is that everytime a claim is made against my Medical Insurance, I get an automated email, detailling where and when the claim was made.  So I know that a week ago he was in a town 3 hours away from here.

He tried to get hold of me frantically on Saturday, clearly he has run out of money.  I am due to pay him a monthly maintenance for the next while, as part of our divorce terms.  So he managed to get me to pay him a month early!  He was very agitated and manipulative and somewhat threatening (making veiled threats of being able to get hold of me, even when I avoid him).  The thing is, he changes his mobile number so often, it is impossible to keep track of it. And he left voice messages for me on a number that my phone did not recognise and I could not return the calls or message him on that number. 

This morning, I saw that he wrote me another of his tragically sad, resigned emails as to how his life is not worth living any more without me.  He sent a sad looking photo of himself too.  He said goodbye and recreated a scene of us lying in bed in my house, saying goodnight to each other while my three cats ("our children" he called them) lie at the foot of the bed. He said I was crying and saying that I do love him, and then he said he loves me too and goodnight... .

Pathetically sad and totally emotionally manipulative, but it does get to me and fill me with huge sadness and loss. And anger.

I guess there is no advice for this situation.  No guidelines I can Google on the Internet. Nothing anybody can say to make this all go away.  It is a person's final choice, as to whether they want to live or die.

It is tragic really, he is basically a healthy man. He of course has this personality disorder, and supposedly Bipolar Mood Disorder.  He has childhood trauma, sexual and physical abuse issues, incest issues.  Call it Complex PTSD.  He is epileptic. He has dyslexia, which he seems to cope with well, as his spelling is not too bad most of the time and he can read and write quite well.

He is physically a strong guy, well built and good looking.  He comes across as very beguiling and charming and reserved and polite.

He has nihilistic tattoos on his arms and neck (ugly, self-hating words) which he can cover up and people don't have to see them and treat him badly for it.

He has a lot of somatic complaints, I tend to think he is hypochondriac, forever has allergies or bodily aches and pains.

But, on the whole, he is a very capable guy when he sets his mind to it. He has held down jobs and earned his own money in the past.  He can get along with people on the surface of it.

But now he thinks he has lost absolutely everything, by me filing for divorce 11 months into this fraught marriage of ours.

He did not even like living in my house, in my town, in my suburb. He complained daily about one thing or another.  My car wasn't good enough, I did not have satellite tv. He was bored sitting around alone at home all day.  He resented having to do housework or garden work.  He hated not having any of his own money. He hated me treating him as his patient, although that is the only way he seemed to know how to behave, as a total victim needing to be taken care of.

But now, it is a great tragedy to him to have lost "everything".  He loves me so deeply and cannot carry on living without me.

So, this month there are some milestone dates for him to choose, if he decides to die at his own hand.  Today is a significant date according to his religious belief, so after sunset tonight, he might go and partake in the "Lord's Last Supper" and then be done.

Or on the 27th April, it would have been our first wedding anniversary, so he could choose that day as one last desperate act of drama... .

Lord protect him and help me if it comes down to it.

[trappedinlove]

It's truly sad and depressing.

But it's not all about him you know.

You keep talking about him and his problems and issues and history of problems.

But what about you?

What about your needs?

You must take care of yourself.  For yourself,

Then for him, if you're not drained by that.

He needs to take care of himself and get professional help.

Then you can add your support on top of it but you can't replace his lack of will to help himself, sadly.

Hugs.  It must be very very difficult for you.

[Ihope2]

YES, thank you. I am doing that now.  I am truly awakening to my Codependency issues and my past pain of growing up in a family where there was also much dysfunction and emotional neglect.

It is all very new to me - this awakening and having to discover who I really am and what I stand for.

I have been like a blank screen all my life, letting others project their stuff onto me.  I have absorbed and contained and helped and soothed and placated others my whole life, when I was not undergoing lengthy periods of isolating myself from others' demands, that is!

Yes, it is about me now.  I choose to live my life authentically from now on.  I choose to relate to others in a healthy way.

I am nobody's emotional dumping ground any more, nobody's beast of emotional burdens labouring under the weight of all the pain and sadness and tragic life stories... .

I am in search of my authentic self and I will find validation from within myself now. I know I am good enough to be loved the way I am, without having to jump through flaming hoops for others.  I do not have to rescue anyone from anything any more.

This is why I call this the ultimate act of detaching. My soon to be ex is trying to hook me with this suicide drama, but I am standing firm and I am saying with Loving Kindness in my heart:  I detach from you and your decision is yours and yours alone.

Go with your Higher Power.  If I never see you again, go in peace and I truly hope that you will find peace in this life or in the Hereafter.

Having said that, this is the hardest thing ever to have to detach oneself from.  Every fibre in my being, every instinct is to preserve a life.  And now, I basically have to give up on a life.  I cannot save him from himself.

[Tolou]

I hope 2... .

It is difficult, because you don't sound like the type of person that would trun their back on anyone for any reason when you care about them.  But that is exactly what I had to do, trun my back and walk away, amidst all the threats etc... . I informed the family that she was making these threats and let them know I was cutting complete contact, because the truth is, I'm not, and your not responsible for someone elses life.

My ex, she tried to overdose on pills in my home when I left, then attempted two more time, each time, she ended up getting that warmth and attention from hospital staff... . She too has many of the same similar sad stories of childhood, and is always the victims etc... . Mnay somatic complaints, etc... . but if you are divorced, then maybe you need to act like it, and move forward and allow this person to grow up... . When a child is getting attention by behaving poorly, they will continue to nahve porrly because they see this is what is working... . If that doesn't work, then they try something else, then something else, each time more extreme.  You need to ignore him, PERIOD.  If he makes threats, all you can do is inform the police or 911.  He is smart enough to know that when he uses the med insurance you will where he might be... . He's probably hoping you for him, and rescue etc... . It's not realistic.  The things I am telling you, are just from my own experience... . I work with my ex, see 3-5 days a week... . I haven't sadi one word to her in 9 months, we have been broken up for two years... . I left her, my final straw was when I found out that she lied to me when she told me she had cancer.  That's not right, it's one thing if you are a child, in an adults body... . I get it, it's a disorder, I empathize... . But grow up, take responsibility for own stuff, don't put it on someone else... . If someone really wants to harm themselves, they will and we cannot stop sadly/////But, for you to beleive you have any control over that, is not fair to you... . Next he makes a threat etc... . call an authority, but if you cut contact, how will he able to threaten... . Mine, said she would die, kill herself without me... . But once I decided to get firm on N.C... she eventually realized, this wasn't a game... . I was done. She tried hard to get my attention in very hard ways... .but the storm will be over... . just hang on.

Food for thought-goodluck

[Ihope2]

Thank you Tolou for relating your experience to me.  It helps to hear similar stories and how others dealt with the situation!

The cancer story, how childish and low can a person go.  We must of course always view these things in the context of the personality disorder and the emotional immaturity and distorted thinking that a person with BPD manifests, but still, when do they start being held accountable for their actions!  My husband once spun a story about a doctor having possibly diagnosed that he had contracted tuberculosis, when in reality all he had was a chest infection!  I was highly alarmed that entire weekend, and I made my way to the medical centre the following work day (they were not open during the weekend) - only to find out from that very doctor that she had never suggested the mention of TB!  I was already making plans to inform everyone I had been in contact with, and to get myself medically checked, not to mention to get full treatment for my husband, TB being such a fast-spreading communicable disease!

So much drama always, so much irresponsible behaviour.  It all boils down to utter absorption with the self. 

It is so sad but detaching myself from all of this never-ending drama is the only way I can preserve my own sanity.

I will have to wait and see if I hear anything  in the next days.  As I say, I have no idea where he is living, and he changes his mobile number constantly.  He has no contact with any of his few remaining family members either and I never had any contact with them in these few months of our marriage.

I hate this having to wait with anxiety in my heart to find out if he will go ahead with his threat to kill himself!  It is the ultimate form of manipulation on his part.  But, I will take whatever news I hear and I will bear it and I will carry on. 

[GreenMango]

Sadly he is not a healthy man.  People with bipolar or BPD have much higher rates of completing suicide. 

One of the things you can do if he has family is to contact a family member and let them know his mental state and suicide threats.  Another is to contact emergency services for a wellness check and sharing the suicidal note. 

If he's tried before and is reaching out to you with the threats he may try again.  Is there a reason not to alert other people that may be able to provide him the right kind of support?

[Ihope2]

Yes, he is very very mentally ill.  The only family of his I know of are his father and older brother.

He told me that both had sexually and physically abused him and he broke off all contact with them during the course of our marriage.

I know nobody else who knows him.

He made me his only point of reference, as people with BPD do, I became his entire world.  I knew of acquaintences he had in the past, but he so quickly burns his bridges with people over the slightest perceived injury or conflict.

[Tolou]

Ihope2... .

I truely hope he doesn't go through with it, with them, you just never know? It is manipulation, a form of emotional blackmail to say that to anyone and they know no other way to cry for help, attention and whatever else they seek to gain from it, I think it has most of all to do with control... . They have none now, this is there only way to get it back.  I hope everything works out for the best for both of you, but be incontrol of yourself and know that he is not your responsibilty.  At this point in someones life, they are refusing to ger help regardless of whatever sad strories that took place in their past... . Many people deal with, but they don't put onto other people, especially the ones who care the most.  Very disturbing mental illness it is and to encounter it is difficult.

[Ihope2]

We had a long weekend here in South Africa from 17th April through to today, being my first day back at the office.  So I saw an email my soon to be exBPDh wrote to me on the 17th April. He claims that he tried to overdose on his mood medication and took 158 Lithium tablets too.  But did not die.  I had the feeling that he was up to something, as on the 13th he wrote a suicidal type of email to me, that his life was not worth living, he cannot find anyone who will stay with him and love him.  Etc.

So I guessed he would use one of many milestones in the month of April available. April 14th being Nisan14 to Jehovah Witnesses, and I know he was once a Witness and wanted to get back into the fold.  Then April 17th, being the deadline for him to formally contest the divorce I have filed for.

So here it was in black and white:  he tried it, and again a failed suicide attempt in his life. I have no idea where he is living at present.  I decided to detach and let go and I am doing my best to follow through.  The divorce should be done sometime next month.

I resent him trying to pull me back into his nihilistic drama that he calls his life.  But yet, in some way, his email has provided me with some closure as well. So he tried to kill himself, but is still alive.  Obviously it sounds like he got some help from somewhere, perhaps landed up in hospital yet again.  And he now claims yet again, to have "seen the light" after this 4th suicide attempt in his life (that I know of). 

I read somewhere, could have been on this website/message board, that suicide becomes a coping skill for a person with BPD.  The mere thought that they have the control over whether they live or die, gives them a sort of relief.  And not to mention, the leverage it gives them over other concerned people around them. 

I understand the dynamic, but this is according to my ethos, how I wish to conduct my life. And I do not want to be involved in this type of desperate manipulation any longer. It does nothing but unsettle me to the core.

My he be safe in his Higher Power's hands, I have turned my back and walked away.  I will not reply to any of his emails, no matter how desperate they are.  After I have informed him of our divorce, I will hopefully never have to communicate with him again.

How painful that it had to come to this. I did feel something for this man, but my feelings have now been murdered by this terrible mental illness.

[Tolou]

Ihope2... .

Sorry to hear all of this.  The suicide threats are very unsetteling, unfortunately it is a form of relief for them, a dysfuntional one.  They haven't got the tools to deal with their emotions in a healthy and mature way, and this is an instant relief.  Landing in a hospital, where they get all this attention from medical staff etc... . It's what a child needs when in distress, attention... . Unfortunately, we encountered these people in our lives and have to deal with the consequences that transpire from being in a relationship of this maginitude.  It challenges in every way, phsically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, etc... . But we can overcome it, maybe when your divorce is final if possible, changing your email would be smart too.  Not to give him control, but to relieve yourself from having any form of contact or knowing of this person.  Why have a stress that you can eliminate? It's hard, and reading your story, and how your feeling, I can relate to some of it.  Were not responsible for anyone, their behaviors or actions.  The intervention some people require needs to be from somewhere other than us, regardless from where they find it.  Until their ready to admit that they need, and stick to it, even then, with improvement , it's too risky to our own health to be involved.  And were no good to anyone if were not taking care of our own health. My ex, was bad for my health, in all the ways that I mentioned, and walking away, though the hardest thing for me to do, was the best, for me, and eventually for her, I could only hope... . because eventually, she realized I was gone for good, and all the attemtps and destruction to get me back, didn't work... . I was no longer her blanket.

[Ihope2]

Thanks Tolou, for taking time to reply.  It really helps to read that others have been through similar.  Thank goodness for the Internet and how we have become a Global Village.  I don't know how people coped before, if I had been me going through this in the pre-Internet days, I would have thought that I am the only one on the planet living through this painful and bizarre experience.

And that my SO is the only one on the planet with this "rare" and distressing, not easily understood mental disorder!

I take some comfort in understanding what the suicide threats and attempts are all about for the person with BPD, but of course it doesn't make it any less traumatising or unsettling for me.

I almost feel a weird sense of reprieve now that he told me he tried to kill himself (via the overdose) and it did not work - yet again!

In some weird way, I feel like this one was on me, but the next time will not be.  Strange I know, and I know that this most recent attempt actually had NOTHING to do with me and that I should not link any blame for myself to it.  Like I say, it is weird, but I do feel some sense of relief now. He threatened to do it because of me, he tried to do it, it didn't work.  So now I am off the hook... . or perhaps it is that now I do not feel so pre-occupied about sitting around wondering every minute of every day and night when, how and if he is going to attempt to commit suicide.

Perhaps I also feel some vindication, because I did not respond at all to his warning emails and sms's before he overdosed.  I dealt with my anguish by talking to my therapist, and coming onto this message board, and talking to a trusted relative about it.  But I did not engage with him at all.  He had no clue how I was agonising about it.  So he won't have that reinforcement from me now to try it again - as I have given him no feedback on the issue whatsoever. 

And then some days after disclosing his suicide attempt, I got some more text messages asking me about money.  I am due to pay him "maintenance" money for the next 2 years as part of our divorce settlement.  A payment is due on the 1st of every month, and he has been making noises about getting the money earlier.

So now, my heart is absolutely hardened towards him, and I realise that he will probably always try to contact me about 1 of 2 possible things:  1) threatening suicide; 2) wanting money.

So yes, after the divorce is 100% final, which is hopefully by end of May this year, I will change my mobile number and I will route his emails into my Junk folder in Outlook and delete without reading.  I will not have any contact at all with him.

[Tolou]

I hope 2

"In some weird way, I feel like this one was on me, but the next time will not be.  Strange I know, and I know that this most recent attempt actually had NOTHING to do with me and that I should not link any blame for myself to it.  Like I say, it is weird, but I do feel some sense of relief now. He threatened to do it because of me, he tried to do it, it didn't work.  So now I am off the hook... . or perhaps it is that now I do not feel so pre-occupied about sitting around wondering every minute of every day and night when, how and if he is going to attempt to commit suicide."

I felt so exactly much so the same, "off the hook" when the overdose attempt "failed", 3 in total, threatened atleast 20 times or gestured at. But everytime I went back, the attempt became stronger, or worse, or more dramatic, because it's a learned behavior. Not reinforcing them, is the best we can do, regardless of the outcome, because they always will raise the stakes to gain mnore attention, or to "prove" our love, but nothing is enough... . until they get the right help, I'm told the best analogy is, "pouring love into a broken glass, it will never get filled"... . Im happy for you, because I truely was there. And I too am thankful for this site and the internet, it is truely a blessing. Yet, have faith be what it is, even without, we would have found the light in the darkness, somewhere, we would have found a way to help ourselves, cuz they couldn't help us.

I'm sorry that you have to pay that person the settlement money, not just because the money, but because of the two year reminder that it comes with.  Good idea with forwarding it to the junk mail! Not sure what the situation with the money is or if your able to manage a different settlment, where maybe you can work out paying one lump sum to him and settling it that way? Possibly get it all over with.  Amazing, that they can attempt to end their lives, instead of asking for what they really need or what, actually, sad, a complete inability to communicate.

stay strong!