Not wanting to forget

[grover11]

I was married for 24 years this September, we have 3 kids (1 girl from my fist marriage and 2 boys). I left her 3 weeks ago Saturday after trying for years to find happiness but it never lasted, of course there were some happy times. I realized a year ago that I am not getting any younger (I'm 53) and did not want to spend what good years I have left miserable. We were separated for 2 1/2 years but got back together 7 years ago, I couldn't handle the thought of someone else raising my boys. Now that the boys are grown I realized I want some happiness for myself. I would daydream of the time I could spend with my kids on my own without the stress that engulfed our home (my daughter didn't like coming over with her 2 kids because of the tense feelings , my wife would get jelous of the time I spent with our youngest son).

The thing that is getting me is that I really don't want anything but good for her, I only want her to be healthy and happy. There has been no contact other than some financial questions through my son and it tears me up to have hurt her, I believe the pain she feels is real. I have so much history with her that I don't want to just forget her but sometimes I think it's the best thing to do. If there is any contact right now she will get the wrong message and think I might go back. I just hope that we can be civil at worst and friendly at best.

[arjay]

Greetings my friend.  I am happy for you that you have found this place, to do your own "emotional opening-up".  It is almost unbearable when we try to carry all of these emotions locked-away.  Men are supposed to be strong and yet we do need "validation of our emotions" too.  I found this site beyond helpful for me, when I was going through my divorce

I only wanted the best for 'ex' as well.  I worried about her when she left, wondering if she was going to be ok.  I couldn't help feeling responsible that marriage was supposed to be about "for better or for worse" and I did feel responsible for her well-being.

The reality however is that my wife had a personality disorder long before I met her and continues to have one today.  We are not God and cannot make everything better, something kids expect from us, but as adults we know some things we just can't do.  Your wife is an adult with a disorder just as my 'ex' is too.  Mine moved on to a great professional career (50s also), had a relationship and is a survivor.  Yes we wish only happiness, once we are resigned to the reality, but happiness is not something any of us have the power to create.  If we did we would have waved our hands and made them better.   Maybe my 'ex' is actually happy.

Having said that, BPDs are different in the sense they do have a genuine inability to regulate emotions.  As adults too it is our responsibility to find the help we need for ourselves.  Nobody can help someone that doesn't wish to be helped and maybe that is why it was so difficult for so many of us; we came to know the disorder and they either denied it or were afraid to address it. (Has your wife considered help?)

My 'ex' survived and moved on and is fine.  :)ealing with children (even grown) is a bit different.  It will take time for your own wounds to heal and as I understand that your kids are grown, at least you can stay engaged one-on-one without the worry of your ex.  I don't know how much the environment affected your kids while they were still young, but having and adult understanding of this disorder, will at least help to make sense.

Peace to you... .

[Mutt]

Hi grover11,

I remember your story from a few weeks ago. I'm glad that you came back and posted. I feel the same for my wife as well. I have empathy for her. She feels shame, guilt, has low self esteem 24/7  due to her core abandonment issues.

I still care for her, but she has people around her that continue to enable the behaviors. If she needs money for example, her mom will provide, or her father will provide, but she really should be working. It's not healthy.

To help her, I chose to not enable her anymore, to disengage and care from a distance. I chose to not be a part of the problem anymore, by giving into her needs. I would hope that someday, she may be left but with no choice but to get help for herself. I would hope sooner than later, but no one knows.

My love will not cure her disorder or make it go away. She has to do that by herself, she needs therapy. I can't do that for her.