I feel more detached from her now than I ever did while NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So i have posted here before, spent a great deal of time on the leaving board and now am frequenting the staying.  What a journey!

So i am in a relationship? With my BPDexgf now (3.5 years tog, 3 months nc... . Now in contact for about the last month)

My question today is about detachment... . I have done a great deal of work on me, and went thru all the lessons on the leaving board, and now the staying board.  

But for whatever reason i feel more detached from her now than i ever did while no contact.  :)oes that even really make any sense?

I enjoy spending time with her... . Talking with her or doing things.  But i am not all stressed or anxious any more.

She dysregulated a little over a week ago over a conversation we had where she felt like she did something to me earlier in our relationship.


To me what happened was no big deal... . But to her it was. And she went sliding back into that abyss of self hatred.  And the fact is i was ok with that.  I dont mean that in a bad way... . But I didn't feel compelled to sit and try to convince her for days on end that she didn't hurt me.  

I talked to her when she contacted me, i used a lot of validation and set and within a few days life was back to normal again

But i see it in other ways... . Behaviors of hers that used to set me off just doesn't bother me... . Perhaps because I understand its not personal?

I guess my question is if this is normal?  I just feel very relaxed about it all... . and in actuality she is responding to that more positively than she ever has in the course of the relationship.

Thanks

Amu

[Allmessedup]

So i have posted here before, spent a great deal of time on the leaving board and now am frequenting the staying.  What a journey!

So i am in a relationship? With my BPDexgf now (3.5 years tog, 3 months nc... . Now in contact for about the last month)

My question today is about detachment... . I have done a great deal of work on me, and went thru all the lessons on the leaving board, and now the staying board.  

But for whatever reason i feel more detached from her now than i ever did while no contact.  :)oes that even really make any sense?

I enjoy spending time with her... . Talking with her or doing things.  But i am not all stressed or anxious any more.

She dysregulated a little over a week ago over a conversation we had where she felt like she did something to me earlier in our relationship.


To me what happened was no big deal... . But to her it was. And she went sliding back into that abyss of self hatred.  And the fact is i was ok with that.  I dont mean that in a bad way... . But I didn't feel compelled to sit and try to convince her for days on end that she didn't hurt me.  

I talked to her when she contacted me, i used a lot of validation and set and within a few days life was back to normal again

But i see it in other ways... . Behaviors of hers that used to set me off just doesn't bother me... . Perhaps because I understand its not personal?

I guess my question is if this is normal?  I just feel very relaxed about it all... . and in actuality she is responding to that more positively than she ever has in the course of the relationship.

Thanks

Amu

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess my question is if this is normal?  i just feel very relaxed about it all... . and in actuality she is responding to that more positively than she ever has in the course of the relationship.

Sounds to me like you've gotten some skills and developed some boundaries, and good for you!  It's not surprising that she's responding positively; one role of us in a relationship, maybe the main role, is to be someone to off our negative and overwhelming emotions on, and if you don't react much, which would make it worse, you become a safe place to put all the crap she can't deal with, probably very comforting for her.

I've been practicing boundary setting, and I can stay emotionally detached from someone, although I'm still not really clear how to draw the line in intimate relationships.  The whole reason for entering into a relationship with someone is to get closer, be emotionally vulnerable and authentic, let down some boundaries, and I can't do that and stay detached too.  I've detached from my ex, and opening up to her emotionally is not an option and would just create a lot of pain, but I'm still playing with letting people in while retaining boundaries; where do you draw the line?

[Skip]

You may need to just give this more time to find yourself in this new role.  She may also need time to adjust.

Do you think that part of the relationship drama was you fighting to be loved the way you wanted to be loved?  :)o you feel you have given in or given up on that fight?

You haven't in the sense that it wasn't working.

Where you are now is moving a little closer to what the relationship really is... . moving off the fantasy.

Work it the best you can... . soon enough you'll know if you want to continue on.

[Allmessedup]

Hey skip,

Yes this is an adjustment period.  There is a learning curve and I am pretty upfront with telling her so.  She seems to accept that and I often ask her what would be helpful to her.  She has been really good about telling me too:)

I very much feel like I spent the whole relationship fighting to be loved the way I wanted to be loved, but I don't feel like I have given in... . quite the opposite... .

I think that I stopped making her responsible for the way I feel.  Those feelings are mine and I own them.  Just as her feelings are hers and important as well.    I stopped trying to convince her that my feelings were the right ones. In essence.

They are right for me... . but not for her.  Her thinking gets very twisted if her emotions get away from her, however if I validate her emotions and not the thinking necessarily, she calms down and uses her skills.

She is dx and went thru years and years of intensive therapy.  She became incredibly high functioning.  She had her behaviors firmly under control.  We were friends for many years before we became involved. 

When we started talking again I told her that I saw the behaviors in a big way... . and that I felt that our relationship had been very triggering to her and what my role in that was from my view.  She wasn't pleased, but agreed.  And over the last few weeks we have talked about it openly.  She is working too... . and I tell her I see this.

I am just me.  Far from perfect and she is as well.  My hope is that by using the tools here that I have learned from both the leaving board and the staying board we will find a way to make this work,if not I know I gave it the best shot I could.  That is enough for me.

The detachment that I have now is different than the detachment I struggled with on the leaving board.  She is very important to me and for me especially I needed this chance to at least try to implement what I have learned

[Allmessedup]

Hi heel to heal,

Yes, I have done a ton of growing these last 4 months or so. And I put boundaries out in a BIG way.

I too struggled with boundaries especially in close relationships.  You are exactly right, the whole reason for entering that type of relationship is to get closer and be emotionally intimate.

It's hard.  I am detached in a way,but then not.  For me detaching isn't that I stop caring or being emotionally vulnerable as much as it is that I recognize that she has as much right to her feelings as I do and her emotions are not about me if that makes sense? 

She is BPD but she is a grown up who makes her own choices and has her own feelings.  I don't rescue her, and I try to be responsible for my own emotions and essentially make her deal with hers vs fostering them off onto me.

It's a delicate balance and very intentional.   But if I validate her feelings I find in return her understanding and accepting mine.  Really mine are as forgien to her as hers are to me!

So I suppose my detachment centers around objectivity rather than boundaries.  I have some boundaries still.  I put me first, I don't go play knightress in shining armour, I won't tolerate the silent treatment... .

But I still say what I feel, I still can tell her if I am hurt by her, I can say I am happy with her... whatever.   But there has to be a lot of validation that goes with that.

I am learning... . alot.  More every day actually, but for now it's going well