Do I have to make drastic changes?

[Confused?]

Here's my story.

Close to 2 years ago a guy I have worked with for 5 years invited me over to what a thought was a 4th of July party. Turned out it was a birthday party for his daughter. Me an him were pretty good friends and we travelled a lot for work. He was like a father to me. After never even saying anything to me she gave me her number. When I left she walked me out to my car and gave me a hug and told me to call her to hang out the next day. I did.

She lived with her grandma who was really nice. As things went on she talked about abuse and abusive boyfriends and how her family was split because of her mom lying (who I also think has BPD). Things got weird at work and me and her dad didn't seem to have the same bond. I helped her as much as I possibly could. She didn't drive, barely had a job, had a lot of problems with people and I was there for her. She moved an hour away with her grandparents which I thought was a great thing. She had a full time job lined up and it was a great way for her to save money. I was busy with work all week and stay at her place on the weekends or pick her up to stay with me. I couldn't afford to support me and her living together as a share a place with my friend.

Fast forward to 3 months ago she say she isn't getting anywhere living with them and she ended up moving in with my friends. She split me black two months later while she found a replacement. Moved in with him a month after that. We have been nc for two weeks ever since I saw them together (she was lying about what she was doing the whole time)

My main problem is that everyone knew about it and never told me. I feel betrayed by the guy I work with and the people around me. No one even asks how I'm doing or anything. After she changed her number I called her dad and grandma who I am pretty close with to tell them she broke up with me and they didn't even seem to care. I can't seem to get over it. She moved literally 500 feet away from her old place which is in the same city as me.

My question to everyone is, how were you able to detach or are dealing with detachment when you got too involved with everything?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Confused,

I would have been really upset if "my friends" never said a thing after the breakup, and acted like they didn't care.  That is painful, and I understand your feeling of being betrayed.

Detaching is hard, especially when we have invested so much of our hearts into the relationship.     For me, NC, therapy, and the support and resources on this site helped me tremendously.  

Detachment starts with acknowledging your feelings.  What feelings are coming up for you now, Confused?  How are you coping with them?

[Confused?]

Well she texted me today and called me saying she is sorry for everything an is ready to tell the truth. Said she talked to her dad about getting a doctor on his insurance and is ready to say she is sorry and explain herself to everyone. Said she broke up with my replacement and has been living there still and is moving out. Now I really don't know what to do. She did leave me but she said it was because she saw what she was doing to me. She was also off her pills. Help!

[Trent]

Here's my story.

Close to 2 years ago a guy I have worked with for 5 years invited me over to what a thought was a 4th of July party. Turned out it was a birthday party for his daughter. Me an him were pretty good friends and we travelled a lot for work. He was like a father to me. After never even saying anything to me she gave me her number.  When I left she walked me out to my car and gave me a hug and told me to call her to hang out the next day  . I did.

She lived with her grandma  who was really nice. As things went on she talked about abuse and abusive boyfriends  and how her family was split because of her mom lying (who I also think has BPD)  . Things got weird at work and me and her dad didn't seem to have the same bond. I helped her as much as I possibly could. She didn't drive  , barely had a job  , had a lot of problems with people  and I was there for her. She moved an hour away with her grandparents which I thought was a great thing. She had a full time job lined up and it was a great way for her to save money. I was busy with work all week and stay at her place on the weekends or pick her up to stay with me. I couldn't afford to support me and her living together as a share a place with my friend.

Fast forward to 3 months ago she say she isn't getting anywhere living with them  and she ended up moving in with my friends. She split me black two months later while she found a replacement.  Moved in with him a month after that.  We have been nc for two weeks ever since I saw them together (she was lying about what she was doing the whole time  )

Well she texted me today and called me saying she is sorry for everything  an is ready to tell the truth. Said she talked to her dad about getting a doctor on his insurance and is ready to say she is sorry and explain herself to everyone. Said she broke up with my replacement  and has been living there still    and is moving out. Now I really don't know what to do. She did leave me but she said it was because she saw what she was doing to me   . She was also off her pills  . Help!

I'm sorry about your situation.  It sucks, and most of us have been there.  Personally, I'm one month and two days of NC after 4-5 recycles during an 18 mo r/s.

My guess, based on my own experiences and the others I've read about here:

- Her family started to distance themselves from you after she started the smear campaign against you.  And/or they've witnessed their daughter go through so many guys they're numb to it now. 

- She dropped you because she found a bigger better deal.  A guy who could support her.  Now that things didn't work out with the new guy (surprise, surprise), you're being recycled because she needs someone to validate her, which it sounds like you were great at.  Not great for you of course, but why should that be her concern?

- Don't listen to her words, watch her actions.  Talk is cheap, especially coming from a pwBPD.  I'd be surprised if she actually made it to a doctor (what kind of doctor, a therapist?), and extremely surprised if she made it past the first few sessions.  But if she is already supposed to be on pills, who prescribed them for her?

My advice?  Run.  Far away.  Begin strict NC immediately.  You can't fix or save her.  Focus on healing and improving yourself.  Ask yourself why you have codependent thoughts/behaviors.  Begin the grieving process and move forward.  Keep reading and posting here to gain insight and strength.   

Again, I'm sorry for your dilemma.  It's difficult, painful, confusing, and emotionally draining.  But NC is really the only way out of this.  Good luck!

[Confused?]

I actually told her talk is cheap  . I'm not jumping back in with her or even know if I would decide to get back. I know her lies and manipulations and I know she hurt a lot of people close to me. She has to prove to me an everyone that she is actually willing to make herself better. Haven't talked to her about details of anything yet she just wants a chance to explain. She saw a doctor when she was diagnosed with BPD and that's who prescribed the pills to her. They were for anxiety and depression.

[BacknthSaddle]

I think most people here will probably tell you to be cautious and tread lightly. As indicated by the profusion of  that tc pointed out, I would argue that she has already "proven herself" to you many times over.  Past behaviors are the best predictor of future behavior.

I would point out one more  , which is your comment that "I was there for her."  Many of us who are drawn to pwBPDs have found that we prefer to stabilize unstable people (in which we typically fail) over partnering with someone who is stable. This preference is dangerous to us, and exploring why we have this preference has been of great benefit to many. 

[Confused?]

She really never proved herself actually. And things started getting bad towards the end on my part and hers. I didn't set boundaries and let her walk all over me early on. Then when I got sick of it I started boundaries. I felt like she was doing good but I never believed it. Things like letting me hang out with friends and stuff like that would worry her in the beginning and she would bug me. I felt like she was getting better but I still thought about the way she was thinking. If that makes sense

[Trent]

I'm not jumping back in with her or even know if I would decide to get back. I know her lies and manipulations and I know she hurt a lot of people close to me. She has to prove to me an everyone that she is actually willing to make herself better.

This is her chance to suck you back in.  She just has to make a token effort to start treatment and you just might come back (or, in my case, a simple verbal commitment to look into it... . me for being a sucker) . 

I don't know how many times you two have recycled (if ever).  If you decide to give it another go, keep yourself protected:  no pregnancies, marriage, financial ties, or cohabitation for a LONG time.  This is one thing I did right, for the most part.  Unfortunately, the outlook for a pwBPD is not great, even if they're 100% committed to treatment.  Which, in and of itself, doesn't happen too often. 

When I start to miss my BPD ex, I read the 'staying' board here and it helps remind me of all that I'm missing out on. 

[Confused?]

We haven't recycled. A bunch of empty break up attempts by me but apologized the same night. I was that exact way for 1.5 years. Very careful since I knew what I was dealing with. Didn't get myself tied up in any way and don't see that changing.

[HappyNihilist]

It sounds like you're looking for detachment, but you've gotten very enmeshed with this person and are having a hard time separating and processing. That's completely natural. We get very over-involved in these r/s's, which is part of why they're so emotionally devastating when they end.

You're doing some really good things to help detach. You enforced boundaries. You're looking at her behaviors. You're thinking about your own feelings and needs. Keep on this track, and use the resources on this site and the boards. 

I felt like she was doing good but I never believed it. I felt like she was getting better but I still thought about the way she was thinking.

These are two important statements. You never believed that she was really trying or actually doing better. Why did you choose to ignore/overlook your gut feeling about this?

You've also acknowledged that you spent more time worrying about her thinking, her feelings, her needs, etc. -- at sacrifice to your own. You have been trying to understand her, help her, support her, stabilize her... . but not doing the same things for yourself.

I think most people here will probably tell you to be cautious and tread lightly. As indicated by the profusion of  that tc pointed out, I would argue that she has already "proven herself" to you many times over.  Past behaviors are the best predictor of future behavior.

I couldn't say it any better than this.

Listen to what her behaviors are telling you. That is the truth about who she is, and how any r/s with her will go if she doesn't seriously work on herself.

And even if she does do the work for herself, you will have challenges in a r/s with her. If you're truly considering that you might want to try a r/s with her again in the future, you definitely should read the Staying boards.

I would point out one more  , which is your comment that "I was there for her."  Many of us who are drawn to pwBPDs have found that we prefer to stabilize unstable people (in which we typically fail) over partnering with someone who is stable. This preference is dangerous to us, and exploring why we have this preference has been of great benefit to many. 

Very true.

Use this time to look at yourself. Examine why you entered into such a r/s. Think about what you really need and want from a r/s... . from life in general.

Only you can decide if you truly want a r/s with this person in the future. But in order to reach that decision, you need to take a look at -- and take care of -- yourself first.