Do you have trust issues too?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So my wedding is a month and a half away. I find myself wanting to just do everything myself. Even though my MOH is planning the bachelorette party and my fiance is working to save more money for the wedding.

I'm finding myself having trouble trusting them to get these things done.

Growing up with mu uBPD mom, I couldn't count on her for anything. I took care of what I needed myself.

The fact that the wedding is so close and these things still need to get done have caused me great anxiety. I've told them it isn't their fault. That these are issues within me.

Does anyone else find it hard to put things in other peoples hands? Do you find yourself becoming anxious if things aren't looking like they're going to get done? 

[pink_heart44]

So my wedding is a month and a half away. I find myself wanting to just do everything myself. Even though my MOH is planning the bachelorette party and my fiance is working to save more money for the wedding.

I'm finding myself having trouble trusting them to get these things done.

Growing up with mu uBPD mom, I couldn't count on her for anything. I took care of what I needed myself.

The fact that the wedding is so close and these things still need to get done have caused me great anxiety. I've told them it isn't their fault. That these are issues within me.

Does anyone else find it hard to put things in other peoples hands? Do you find yourself becoming anxious if things aren't looking like they're going to get done? 

[DreamGirl]

Yes! Yes! and Yes! 

I don't how much of it is my being a control freak and some of my not feeling comfortable allowing someone else to help.

It's hard to do things that I'm not comfortable in doing. 

In the Survivor's Guide on the right, #15 resonated so much for me in this and helping make sense of why I have SUCH a hard accepting/asking for assistance so I'm not overwhelmed with facing life all on my own... .

Grieving your childhood losses and mourning the loss of the "ideal" parents will require a great deal of patience and self-compassion. Be prepared for this step to take time. You can't be rushed into healing these deepest wounds from childhood, and the healing won't happen all at once. More likely you will heal the wounds in layers throughout your recovery, coming back to this step several times. You may always have a scar, but the scab covering your painful losses eventually will disappear.

Many survivors tend to avoid this stage after one pass or so, preferring to avoid its dreadful pain ever again. After working through some of the pain in Stage One, you may feel much better than before but still have not fully resolved the grief. You may find that your life has improved but now feel that your growth has stalled. You can get past this block by sharing the most vulnerable parts of yourself with others, thereby turning your fear of being hurt into the building of trust. Ask yourself if you can allow yourself to be comforted by your spouse, lover or friends. Healthy dependency means letting other people take care of you at times like this. You need caring, and you need to be able to accept it from others.

pink_heart44, not everyone will let us down. And even when someone does, that's OK, it doesn't mean that we should keep trying to allow others to help us.

It's seriously like going back to "relationship elementary school", we have to learn all over again these kinds of relationship skills. Figure out what is "normal".

And do know that weddings can cause even the best of us to go a little whacky.

 DreamGirl

[AsianSon]

Does anyone else find it hard to put things in other peoples hands? Do you find yourself becoming anxious if things aren't looking like they're going to get done? 

Add me to the "Yes!" chorus! 

I agree with DreamGirl:  the fear of being let down or disappointed plays a role in my habits.  And I suspect that childhood pressures to do every right had its role as well. 

A small suggestion is to not be so hard on yourself that it adds to the pressure that then fuels the need for control. 

A bigger suggestion is to breathe in, then out, and then move forward at a pace that you manage.    

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

[clljhns]

Absolutely! I would do everything for my family. Clean the house, cook the meals, do the laundry, plan events, even repairs around the house. I realized when my daughter was about thirteen, that she had not been taught any of these skills. I had to back-track to teach her independence skills. It wasn't as if I felt she couldn't do it, I just didn't think there would be anyone else to help, so why ask.

It took many years to feel comfortable in asking for help with anything! My daughter laughs at me now, because one of the funniest things I would do is ask someone to load the dishwasher, and then run over and begin to load it. I did not realize that I was even doing this! When she asked me why I did this, I took a step back and realized that I really didn't feel comfortable in asking for the help and I didn't think that it would get done fast enough! Crazy thinking! LOL!

Now, I can ask for help, and still feel a pang of "Oh, I should have just done that myself." I quickly dismiss this thought and tell myself that it is okay to ask for help. It doesn't make me weak or vulnerable. They will still love me and not feel that they are being used. These are other thoughts they were always present.

One thing that I think you should focus on is the happy day that is coming and how beautiful the moment will be when you exchange your vows. Really, this is the most important part of a wedding. Congratulations and don't be so hard on yourself! It will all be fantastic!

[MyLifeNow]

Yes! It's really my trust issues that got me into therapy and realizing that my childhood was really, really weird. That led me to discovering that my dad likely has BPD. Because I grew up with a single BPD parent I basically wound up believing that his behavior was normal. I was isolated a lot of the time and never really had another frame of reference. Some of the women I've become friends with have asked before why I've dated so little and I wasn't really sure. At first I thought it was that I just didn't fit in with the town I live in (which *is* part of it) but the bigger reason is that when I've met someone new, I expect them to act like my dad did and just verbally destroy me out of the blue for no apparent reason. So I wound up just avoiding situations where that could happen and turned into a bit of a hermit.

[Comfrey]

This is why I joined this forum. I realize I need to develop healthy trust, and be able to ask for help when I need it. I can say "Amen!" to many of your comments. Especially the bit about not being able to ask for help with household chores. Most of the yelling and beatings in my childhood came about over housework. I am still (after 30+ years) trying to avoid that by doing it all my self. Really bugs my kids and husband. They are great and very supportive. But I struggle with trusting neighbors, and others in my life. I have friends, but keep them at a safe distance. Anyone have ideas of how to feel safe in trusting those around you?

[ViewofPilatus]

I second the "yes" chorus! 

Trust is the most difficult challenge in my world.  Even with a loving partner who talks about building a family and forever life together, I find myself fighting the voice in my head which constantly says "don't trust him, he'll leave you".  I definitely have major inner struggles handing over aspects of my life, which I thus far have only controlled myself. 

To trust someone, anyone, whether it's the friend you've had for 30 years, the partner you want to spend the rest of your life with or even a colleague, letting go and handing a bit of the control over is a terrifying experience.  But little by little, as I'm conscious of it, I'm also learning the rewards of letting a little bit go.  That isn't to say it's done easily or without a mental fight... . but I feel its something I must force myself to do to feel "normal."

[supergirl2]

I just made a post about the same topic today as well. I think trust issues are probably normal for children of a BPD parent. We expect other relationships to be just as painful as that which we experienced with our parent, which isn't... or shouldn't... be the case. We also expect the BPD parent's lack of being responsible and attentive to be the characteristics of everyone around us, and that isn't always the case either. I can't say this from a lot of experience, but I think practice helps and builds trust ability, and takes place in baby steps, and I imagine they probably resolve when enough influence and positive experience with others has taken place that they are now our "normal," truly they are ACTUALLY normal! and we're no longer perceiving normal as the ways of the BPD person.

Similar to what a few others mentioned, much of the chaos in my house centered around the housework as well. I too find myself only working on the house when alone. I won't clean in front of my BPD parent, because she controls everything I do and doing housework in front of her is an invite to be berated for being lazy during any minute of your life you didn't spend cleaning. I didn't realize I was only cleaning when alone until suddenly it dawned on me, when the parents would go on a vacation, I would happily clean the house and typically I hate to clean or do housework, no thanks.

[P.F.Change]

Yes, I have struggled to trust others. The last time I went to therapy one of my goals for myself was to learn to open up more. Closing myself off behind a wall did protect me from potential damage, but it also prevented me from experiencing deeper connections with others. I didn't want to be afraid anymore--I wanted to "share in life's riches." (Step 15: Positive entitlement--taking the initiative to share in life's riches)

One thing that I began to notice as I did the work was that my ability to trust others grows primarily from my ability to trust myself. It's not so much about whether I can trust someone else never to let me down, more whether I can trust myself to handle it if they do. The more I trust myself, the more I am willing to risk opening up to the world and letting good things in.

Wishing you peace,

PF

P.S., I do not ascribe to yoga as part of my belief system, still I do use some of the poses and sequences in my personal fitness routine. While I was working on trust and opening up, I did find spending time in some of the poses that supposedly open up the "heart chakra" was helpful to me, even if just as a way to physically remind myself of my mental and emotional goals. Things like camel, wheel, cow face, forward bend, for example. Plus they feel good, so win-win. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Another resounding yes from me! Trust is so hard. As I've learned to open up to a few safe friends this past year, my world has changed and I have changed too. And like so many of you have said, it's almost impossible for me to ask for help too. My kids cheer me on when I ask for help now, and they point it out in a happy way. So yes, that's a big challenge. It's such a relief to know that I'm not the only one who has these issues in my life!

Congratulations on your wedding!

Woolspinner