Keeping boundaries

[red_caterpillar]

It has been at least two weeks since I have posted anything on here and they have been busy. My mother is UBPD and she has been non stop with threatening calls, text messages, demands, showing up, or threatening to show up. My sister who had some issues and recently we all found out that she had written a suicide letter and she has been cutting herself. she went in inpatient therapy for a week and ever since then my mother has been out of control with her behaviors. She has threaten to kill her self and even attempted two weeks ago by overdosing her self on medication and then was inpatient herself for a week. She was kept at the hospital on a 72 hour hold because she wouldn't stop calling and threatening to hurt herself or us. She finally got that they were not going to release her until she started doing what they asked such as participating in group therapy and stop calling and threatening others. She got out last Monday and she seemed like she was starting a new chapter and was accepting that she had issues controlling her behaviors. We talked and for the most part she respected my boundaries and kept positive. (my main boundary with her was that we go to therapy before we meet face to face again.) She seemed fine until Wednesday evening when I didn't answer my phone. It only took her 2 hours to go into a full blown rage and start cursing me and blaming me and my sister for her feelings and behaviors. Even went as far to tell me that I made her try to kill herself.

At that point I started back with ignoring her. I told her that I would be a part of her life if she decided to get help and be positive but I would not tolerate the bad behaviors. Once I stopped responding to her, she then keep texting and calling and leaving messages. She even went as far as to break into my voicemail on my phone and delete my messages because they were full and so she could leave more. I couldn't believe that she went that far over my boundaries and disrespected my privacy. She will stop at nothing to get my attention.

The last straw for me was that she called and sent her friend who is playing both sides against the middle; to my house to retrieve her shot gun that she told me to take the week my sister was inpatient because quote " I am going to blown my brains out, please take it". I didn't respond to her, and I told her friend that I would not be giving the gun to her and that I would be calling the police department to turn it in. I did later that evening call the police to make a report and was given the advice to file a protection order against her because it would keep me from being harassed by her and it would keep her from owning or purchasing a new firearm. I went this week on Monday morning and filed and received my protection order from the court. She has not been served yet and I am fearful of her reaction but my gut tells me that I made the right decision. I want to help her get better but maybe by doing this I can hopefully protect her from herself.  I am hoping that she realizes that she has to make our relationship positive because I will truly no longer take her emotional abuse.   

feeling very emotionally exhausted   

[P.F.Change]

Hi, red_caterpillar, I am glad you are back.

It sounds like you have really been dealing with a lot. I'm sorry your mother's behavior has gotten so severe. With two family members making suicide attempts and your mother escalating her harassment of you, no wonder you are feeling exhausted. It is too bad it got to the point where you had to file a restraining order, but I agree that in this case it may be a necessary part of taking care of yourself.

Is there anything specific you are anxious about at this point? Have you been able to check in with your therapist?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Peaceful Life]

Hi red_caterpillar,

You have been dealing with so much because of this illness. Do you have a support system with friends, family or a counselor to help you? One thing I have found out going through all this stress is the fact that I have to take care of me first. Eating good food, exercising and meditation help me tremendously. Wishing you strength and peace.

Peaceful Life

[red_caterpillar]

Thank you both for your thoughts and wishes for peace I have been seeing my therapist on a regular basis and it helps me deal with my own emotions. I have a tendency to always let my mother push my boundaries and this is first time that I have stuck to them and reinforced them with a protection order. I feel extremely anxious about what my mother will do in response to the protection order but as my therapist has pointed out I have no control over that and need to stop worrying about what others will do. I am learning how to focus on myself and understand how to set good emotional boundaries and not feel guilt. I have noticed that I have a lot of bad habits from being raised by a uBPD mother. I have a long road of emotional recovery and figuring out everything that has happened and moving past but I think that I have set myself up for success. I have the support and love from my husband who is also trying to understand all of this and the guidance from a therapist. I also have found that writing and reading others story's on here has helped make me feel that I am not dealing with this alone. It is also nice to write it all down it keeps me from dwelling on it but also helps put things in perspective.

[P.F.Change]

Writing helps us process loss. I am glad you are sharing and also reading. It is good to hear you are getting regular support from your therapist. I think your therapist is right, that you can't control what your mother may do. I understand the anxiety and have been there, wondering "How is she going to react? What if she does X? Or Y? Or Z?" That kind of worry feeds itself until it turns into more worry.

My therapist gave me some good advice that I try to keep in mind when I start to feel anxious. She said, "You don't know what will happen. But you will know what to do if it does." At first I wasn't sure how to believe that, but with practice I see she is right. You knew what to do when the harassment got to be too much, and you did it. You will know what to do if your mother does X,Y,Z, too. We can look for solutions and have a plan ready... . knowing our boundaries really helps.

[HazelJade]

Dear Red Caterpillar,

I do understand your feelings of exhaustion, so well. You've been through much, much more most people experience in their entire lifetime.

I am too in the process of keeping boundaries with my pwBPD father who's old now, attempted suicide two years ago, has been saved, and now constantly threatens to try again; it scares me so much, more than I can say, and the sense of guilt in keeping up my boundaries is sometimes soo overwhelming and taxing that I feel there's no hope and no possible positive outcome for all this drama.

My therapist told me that the guilt has been internalized so much that it will be the last bad feeling to go but that I have to protect myself from him no matter what. He says I've been literally brainwashed and raised to be a caretaker, and this is why it's so hard to even imagine a life free of guilt. It is like leaving in a prison.

I offer you what my therapist suggested me to do. He said that I should feel the guilt and keep up my boundaries all the same.

Do you know, it's been so hard at the beginning, but I have recently started seeing the emotional manipulation better and better for what it is, a cold, selfish manipulation, and a healthy anger is taking the place of the guilty feeling. I don't see this anger as a reason to act it out, but as a protective shield. I'm not so scared anymore. I'm finally starting to have the feeling that I too have the right to be happy and guilt-free in this life, as everybody else. As you have.

And you know what? Since I'm really keeping LC and very strict boundaries, I have the feeling that the risk he will committ suicide has actually decreased, as he knows now that his guilt tripping maybe doesn't work as it used to; since inducing guilt was the ultimate purpose of his suicide attempt, maybe I'm not just protecting myself this way, maybe he will be more stable too.

Your post sounded so balanced, despite all the mayham you are going through; it really made an impression on me.

I send you my warmest thoughts of encouragement. You are being very, very brave.

[red_caterpillar]

Hi HazelJade,

thank you for your support and comments! What really hit home for me with your story is that you said you were raised to be a caretaker! that is exactly what i have been for my mother. She uses me to handle situations that she can't emotionally handle. Just 2 months ago she talked me into going to my grandparents house and talking to them for her because she had it stuck in her mind they were out to get her and that they were going to kick her out of the house that they own that she currently lives in for free. I don't usually do things for her that are this out of my way but I have been blindly enabling her because I didn't realize that i have been brain washed. BPD is a complex disease and I am learning that my mother is a master manipulator and she rarely ever has to face consequences because she is surrounded by people that she can guilt into feeling sorry for her. Now as everything has come to light for me regarding my mother I feel better knowing that she has this disorder and can even have some sympathy because she truly is hurting for no reason everyday but I have to make myself aware that it is ok for me to protect myself and look out for me for once.

On another note, I did find out that she has been served the protection order. So many thoughts were racing in my mind since I requested it and I felt guilty and wondered if I had overreacted. I have today heard from her she tried to call me and then ended up texting me when I didn't answer. It was not a bad text just saying she loves me and she was sorry. She also made sure to ask me not to call the police and get her arrested. Which i didn't. I hope that this has at least reinforced my boundary and maybe she will see that her bad behaviors are not going to get attention.

Wishing you peace and hope in your journey

[P.F.Change]

I have to make myself aware that it is ok for me to protect myself and look out for me for once.

You are right! Not only is it ok to take care of yourself, it is very important. A lot of people make the analogy to air travel, in that you have to put on your own oxygen mask first before you can try to help someone else.

This workshop was helpful to me as well, maybe there will be some good information for you: Are you supporting or enabling?

And I was also looking through this one recently--really good stuff: Do you suffer from Compassion Fatigue?