Fear is back

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm getting ready to leave on a trip to Europe. I was hoping it would help me to get over all of this.

Unfortunately, I woke up this morning in panic. Fear is so strong I'm having second thoughts about even leaving. Today's a sunny day and on a typical weekend like this we'd have been going on a hike, or a walk, or fishing, or some outdoor activity with my exBPDgf.

My exBPDgf and I broke up about a month ago now (5 weeks next Tuesday).

I realized this morning that somewhere I was hoping that we'd get back together by the time I left. It is as though I was trying to mask my own emotions in the last few weeks.

I was playing on two fronts. On the one side I've been keeping very LC with my exBPDgf and on the other I met this girl who turns out to have the same red flags that my exBPDgf showed (push/pull, emotionally unstable, drinking, smoking, told me about ALL of her hardship the day we met etc... . )

In the last couple of week I had so much going on that I really tried to skip some of the steps and go straight in acceptance mode otherwise I would have failed in all the projects I had to carry. Now I'm realizing I'm alone and that she's most likely never coming back. I still don't get how she can just paint you black like this. We tried to maintain a friendship but that obviously didn't work out it was just one sided, all about her. I wish I could make her change

I have a feeling that the next two weeks are going to be a struggle as opposed to being helpful.

This is what I'm fearful of:

1. Being alone and not finding someone (especially after meeting another crazy one... . )

2. Not being able to contact her

3. She finds someone while I'm on that trip

The loneliness part of this is still very hard to deal with. I hate being home alone. It's just too quite, too depressing.

How do you cope with it?

I've been hitting the gym, I've been going out every night for the last month , I've been keeping busy to be honest but I still feel this emptiness in me. I've been trying to meet up with friends every day. The problem is that she was so jealous I lost most of the friends I had from not seeing them and the few that remain obviously can't keep going out every night. I was more or less ok the last couple of weeks but right now I'm feeling the same way I felt when we broke up.

I'm really feeling down today  :'(

[AchingHeart]

I'm getting ready to leave on a trip to Europe. I was hoping it would help me to get over all of this.

Unfortunately, I woke up this morning in panic. Fear is so strong I'm having second thoughts about even leaving. Today's a sunny day and on a typical weekend like this we'd have been going on a hike, or a walk, or fishing, or some outdoor activity with my exBPDgf.

My exBPDgf and I broke up about a month ago now (5 weeks next Tuesday).

I realized this morning that somewhere I was hoping that we'd get back together by the time I left. It is as though I was trying to mask my own emotions in the last few weeks.

I was playing on two fronts. On the one side I've been keeping very LC with my exBPDgf and on the other I met this girl who turns out to have the same red flags that my exBPDgf showed (push/pull, emotionally unstable, drinking, smoking, told me about ALL of her hardship the day we met etc... . )

In the last couple of week I had so much going on that I really tried to skip some of the steps and go straight in acceptance mode otherwise I would have failed in all the projects I had to carry. Now I'm realizing I'm alone and that she's most likely never coming back. I still don't get how she can just paint you black like this. We tried to maintain a friendship but that obviously didn't work out it was just one sided, all about her. I wish I could make her change

I have a feeling that the next two weeks are going to be a struggle as opposed to being helpful.

This is what I'm fearful of:

1. Being alone and not finding someone (especially after meeting another crazy one... . )

2. Not being able to contact her

3. She finds someone while I'm on that trip

The loneliness part of this is still very hard to deal with. I hate being home alone. It's just too quite, too depressing.

How do you cope with it?

I've been hitting the gym, I've been going out every night for the last month , I've been keeping busy to be honest but I still feel this emptiness in me. I've been trying to meet up with friends every day. The problem is that she was so jealous I lost most of the friends I had from not seeing them and the few that remain obviously can't keep going out every night. I was more or less ok the last couple of weeks but right now I'm feeling the same way I felt when we broke up.

I'm really feeling down today  :'(

[Banshee]

I've been hitting the gym, I've been going out every night for the last month , I've been keeping busy to be honest but I still feel this emptiness in me. I've been trying to meet up with friends every day. The problem is that she was so jealous I lost most of the friends I had from not seeing them and the few that remain obviously can't keep going out every night. I was more or less ok the last couple of weeks but right now I'm feeling the same way I felt when we broke up.

Your doing so much better than alot of us... I could only wish to be where your at now... I can't seem to do anything but sit at home.

From what Ive read you have good and bad days .it's like when you quit smoking and have the urge ... stop take a breath and soon it will past.

[Mutt]

I understand the anxiety you are feeling AchingHeart. I was extremely uncomfortable with staying at home by myself after the breakup. I was used to a busy household, noisy, surrounded with family. It's tough. It took time but it passed.

I can also empathize with the fears that you are currently experiencing. You're only a few weeks out from being in a relationship that lasted several years. There is a long history there. This is a huge loss. Be gentle on yourself, reaching acceptance takes time. There are 5 stages to grief. You may experience more than one at a time, out of order, or repeat stages.

What stage you think you are currently at?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0

[Fleur2013]

Last year during an extremely rough time I was lucky to link up with a bunch of people in my area who run. It has been a great outlet for and there were times that I would run or walk twice a day to get out of my head. Another up side is that I lost 20 lbs too. I kept my friends and the running but unfortunately I kept the SO too... . So far. I suggest that you go on "Meetup.com" and see if you can find a group of like minded ppl in your area. There are always have great hikes and activities and it's with a group not a dating situation. Good luck.

[AchingHeart]

Banshee,

thanks for the encouraging words. The ups and downs are really tiring I just wish I could get over it. I was so busy when we b/u that it's only hitting me now. Now that I have time on my hands and now that I'm alone with my thoughts.

Mutt, I wish I could give you an answer. I feel like I'm all over the board.

Some days I'm in acceptance, others I'm in denial and depressed.

Bargaining is useless. She got mad and frustrated when I communicated more than friendly feelings towards her about two weeks after the b/u.

As for anger I've rarely felt it.

The flight was alright, the stay here is proving to be hard. I've never felt anxiety like this before.

I'm unable to rationalize. I want to reach out and talk to her.

Fleur, I'll give that website a shot when I return.

[Mutt]

AchingHeart,

You're at 5 weeks. If it helps, the first couple of months are the hardest when you're detaching. Your feelings can be all over the place. Are you seeing a therapist? It helped me with sorting my feelings, realizing that I was grieving, figuring out my needs, and getting unstuck. I'm not saying your stuck by any means, it helps to talk to someone, to understand that it's normal and re-frame the situation in a realistic and healthy way.

It takes awhile for the heart to catch up with your head.

I'm sorry to hear about your ex's reception to your friendly intentions. That hurts.  You have a long history together, but this is a loss for her as well. Can you see that's what it is for her as well?

[AchingHeart]

Mutt,

I certainly realized that when we met after our b/u.

She looked lost, broke down and cried: "This is hard. It's not like you cheated on me or beat me up"

I was weirded out by that statement because a couple of days prior she was calling me abusive and what not.

Now though, she looks perfectly fine and carries on life with her daily activities as if nothing had happened.

She just doesn't care!

I was thinking about this today and I was wondering if what she felt was really sadness?

She had an insane fear of abandonment, so I wonder if what she felt was just fear of being alone.

I do think it was the latter to be honest.

Sometimes I envy their ability to just detach yourself from a relationship that easily.

I wish I could turn that switch off for her as well, but with your guys' support I'm getting there.

[going places]

I am so sorry.

What I am doing for me right now?

I read an amazing book "The Emotionally Abused Woman" Beverly Engel, MFCC

I personally have always been a "let's get to the root of the issue/problem and work it out, not just throw _____ at the symptoms".

This book has opened my mind and heart, to the root.

It explained WHY I picked the clown I did.

It explained WHY I am getting screwed over at work.

It explained WHY I was consumed with fear, dread, self-loathing, depression, etc.

I called an advocate at the local women's shelter, and made an appointment.

They have counselors there that can help me unwind this ball of barbed wire that is wrapped so tightly around my life. Once is it unraveled (the damage done in my childhood that I carried with me into my adulthood.) I will be able to BE healthy and form HEALTHY relationships both in my personal and professional life. It will free me of the hideous pattern I am in and give me tools to REALLY live.

I am so excited about tomorrows appointment.

I have spent the last three years on a roller coaster thru hell.

Mountain top highs (which were ALL an illusion)

Drowning, crushing lows.

I am getting off this ride.

It has taken me 3 years (after 20 years of marriage) to finally say, and MEAN... . I can't wait to get away from him.

I can't wait to pack up and move 5 states away from him.

I can't wait to never text him, or call him.

I can't wait to forget what he looks like.

That just can't come fast enough.

[going places]

I cannot modify my post, so I wanted to add.


What I struggle with now is the 'justice' end.

There are days where I want HIM to feel the pain.

I want HIM to feel the loss, the destruction.

I want HIM to be frought with fear and abandonment.

Yea, I want vengenence.

Romans 12:17-21

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written:

“It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

THIS is the verse I recited OVER AND OVER to purge the vengenence, bitterness and hate I had for his mother. And after years... . (NC for 15 years) I have come to the place where I have empathy for her, understand why she treated me the way she did... . etc.

THIS is the verse I will recite over and over to remind me that God sees, and He will handle soon-to-be-exh. It is not my place, and the sooner I realize this, day in and day out, the sooner I will be free of the anger, bitterness, rage... . and I will be at total peace.

I am SO looking forward to that life!