Letting go of her absolutely terrifies me

[Lamaiel]

The best way to detach is to live your life, to shift the focus from the past to the future, which will take vigilance because the past will creep in.

I think most on these boards struggle with the mind's rational need to flee to a new place of safety and the heart's irrational desire to stay behind and remain immersed

I've realized that no contact to me means beginning the process of letting go.  To leave her behind, to sever my attachment to my exBPDgf, to leave a place of safety.  Letting go of her absolutely TERRIFIES me, to move forward with no closure TERRIFIES me.  To no longer be a part of her life, while the replacement has taken center stage, HORRIFIES ME. 

But I also realize I can't stay in this stage of limbo... . it's slowly killing me.  This is a puzzle I will never be able to solve, and a game I will never be able to win.  The confusion, the doubts, the anxiety every time I check her instagram, or facebook, or her blog, it has to stop.

"A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?"

[fromheeltoheal]

I've realized that no contact to me means beginning the process of letting go.  To leave her behind, to sever my attachment to my exBPDgf, to leave a place of safety.  Letting go of her absolutely TERRIFIES me, to move forward with no closure TERRIFIES me.  To no longer be a part of her life, while the replacement has taken center stage, HORRIFIES ME. 

But I also realize I can't stay in this stage of limbo... . it's slowly killing me.  This is a puzzle I will never be able to solve, and a game I will never be able to win.  The confusion, the doubts, the anxiety every time I check her instagram, or facebook, or her blog, it has to stop.

There you go, you're getting honest.  Letting go of something that may have been the most important thing in your life at some point is very difficult.  I left my ex, and all I had to do to confirm my decisions was review the long, long list of unacceptable crap she pulled, and although letting go of that fantasy of her, the girl who never existed, was very hard, it was also very right.

I don't know your whole story, and don't know how or if it got bad while you were in it, but if it did, walking through the terror of detaching may be scary at first, but whatever's on the other side might be far better?  Also, if she's with someone else now, having a relationship with her is not an option, so you don't have a choice, except to stalk and pine after her, which really isn't a choice.

Turning away from her, focusing on the future not the past, letting it go, is detaching.  Scary maybe, or is it mostly sad and hurtful?  But creating the life of your dreams starts with a vision of what it looks like, and taking the first step in that direction; let the vision pull you, instead of being pushed away by the whole situation with her.  Take care of you!

[Skip]

Lamaiel,

How we talk to ourselves is really important.  It helps to look closely at our thoughts and feelings, words - really closely.  Stage #2 of Detachment leads to Freedom.

You say you are terrified. That's a strong feeling.  You are really feeling that.  A lot of people cover up the fear with anger.  You are seeing the feeling for what it is.

It's good you can express it this way.    

The following comments are a bit murkier.  It might help to dig deeper into what it is that is terrorizing you.

To leave her behind - you're not leaving her behind, are you?  You were left behind.

to sever my attachment to my exBPDgf - ok

to leave a place of safety - was this a place of safety?

to move forward with no closure - what closure is missing?  She liked you but was not fully committed.  Then someone else came along. Is this more an issue of her overstating her feelings when you were together.  Trying to rationalize that?

To no longer be a part of her life - this is a tough one that may take some digging.  Where you part of her life (hard question)?  :)id she ever let you in?  6 months is not a long time - what did you actually have?

[Lamaiel]

The sense of finality that comes with initiating "letting go" is definitely hard.

You cling to a certain level of hope; you never want to close that door.  To completely shut that door needs to be done for my sanity.  I need to burn that bridge (internally) so I never cross it again.  The future is all I have, and it is a future that I can dictate.  This is something I have known deep down from Day 1, and I need to accept it.  There is no going back.

This was my first serious relationship!  I was abandoned absolutely, and very cruelly.  There was no slow distancing, nothing was mutually understood or agreed upon.  She was in my life, and then suddenly she was gone and with someone else... . it is complete betrayal, and extremely painful.

I cannot let it jade me, warp my perceptions, and be a driving factor of future well-being and future relationships. I can only imagine what a healthy serious relationship looks like... . no confusion, no raging, no eggshells, no crazy making.  I will be looking forward to that day.

[coolioqq]

Separation anxiety is a completely normal thing to feel after you have loved someone so much. It happens regardless of whether you were the one to break it off or them. Regardless of whether there was closure or not. Love is not something that goes away at the snap of your fingers. Time is of the essence here.

I read a little book on anxiety while I was still in the fog (20 Little Ways to Keep Calm and Carry On - fantastic book by a psych. academic written with the help of his non-academic wife)... . I realized that it was separation anxiety that kept me in the fog. The book taught me a lot about how amygdala (incidientally this is where BPD behaviors originate from biologically) functions and how it affects what I feel. In short, we tend to overestimate our feelings at times and underestimate our ability to cope. We get depressed about the past (rumination over the "good" times) and worry extremely about the future (who am I without her? How do I go on like this? Will I ever get her back?)

The key (yet obvious, but not so much while in the fog) thing I got from the book that liberated my thoughts and helped me focus on me and the present was the realization that I have no control over my ex's disorder and behaviors. Anxiety (separation anxiety too) is pretty much entirely due to fixating on things that we have little to no control over and underestimating our ability to get out of that mode of thinking. I literally learned to stop my amygdala whenever it sent me into panic mode. Not shut it down - we can't do that. But tell myself whenever feelings come to me: "cool, this is how I feel now. It hurts - fine... . What can I do to fix this? Can I enter a normal trusting relationship with her? Yes, if she recovers from BPD and stops the behaviors that led us here. Is that realistic? Not really at the moment - it would take years of serious commitment (and my life!) to get there. Can I cure her? No, without her true determination, no one can. Did her behavior show that she is on the right path to recovery and a healthy relationship with me? No, I would not have left her otherwise. Do I have the control over her disorder? No. Will worrying solve that? No. What options do I have? Introspect and correct my own issues and behavior - better myself - for the next relationship." Once I did it enough times (boy, there were many times I had to repeat), the anxiety started to go away... .

I also am taking supplements to replenish important brain chemicals. I exercise, follow a diet/lifestyle to support healthy brain functioning (it's not a mainstream diet). And things did get better.

Am I still hurt? Yes. Am I totally fine? Of course not. But I give myself permission to feel like that. I also give myself permission and opportunities to move on. Just like with our exes, it's all in our heads... .

Are you seeing a T? It's important to address any underlying biological causes too - nutrient deficiency, sleep issues, etc. The experienced ones can help a ton.

Just remember that it will get better! All the senior members here went through the same or worse, and yet here they are giving advices from a healthy place. They didn't get there overnight. We have ways to go, but we're in the right place!

Keep calm and carry on.

[cosmonaut]

You cling to a certain level of hope; you never want to close that door.  To completely shut that door needs to be done for my sanity.  I need to burn that bridge (internally) so I never cross it again.  The future is all I have, and it is a future that I can dictate.  This is something I have known deep down from Day 1, and I need to accept it.  There is no going back.

I too am dealing with letting go of my ex and the extinguishing of the hope that we will ever be able to somehow work through our problems.  I know rationally that her disorder makes a sustained and healthy relationship with her impossible.  I know I must detach in order to heal myself.  The damage that she has done runs very, very deep, however.  She has cut me in a way no one else ever has.  I think you must be wounded in the same way.  Most of us here are.  While I know these things rationally, the heart is not so quick to follow.  It will take time, perhaps quite a while.

This was my first serious relationship!  I was abandoned absolutely, and very cruelly.  There was no slow distancing, nothing was mutually understood or agreed upon.  She was in my life, and then suddenly she was gone and with someone else... . it is complete betrayal, and extremely painful.

It is a betrayal and a deep one.  It's natural to feel angry, hurt, and wronged.  What she did was cruel.  Feel those emotions and then let them pass.  Like Skip said, realizing you are so hurt and angry is a positive sign.  It's on the road to healing.  Keep going.

Feel the emotions as they come, don't fight them.  I often do that and it is counter productive.  I feel like I'm failing or slipping and the fear that I will never get past this takes hold and it just compounds everything.  Maybe you feel this too.  Let the emotions come, but don't feed them either.  Observe them passively and then let them pass.  Healing will come with time and a consistent effort to slowly detach.  Hang in there, man.  I know it's a difficult road.   

[Lamaiel]

Skip, your posts (including archived posts I have read) tend to give me high levels of anxiety because you attempt and do a good job of separating BPD from what may be normal relationship dynamics (Ex: Perhaps she didn't leave you because of BPD, she left you for someone else because she wasn't committed). I have attempted to protect myself through attributing her behaviors and how our relationship ended to BPD. 

Even though I have had 2 therapists (including a BPD specialist) suggest to me she may have BPD, have had the SWOE workbook indicate she has a high level of BPD traits, and have had my experiences confirmed by others on this board... . you make me wonder, and that scares me.  The possibility that my absolute best was not good enough for her, and I cannot rationalize that away via BPD, that scares me.  Is it possible that what I went through was NORMAL?  I really hope not, because everything about it felt wrong

To leave her behind - you're not leaving her behind, are you?  You were left behind.

Of course, this is very true... . to restate, the concept of our relationship no longer existing and the termination of an emotional bond with her is what is scary.

[quote}to leave a place of safety - was this a place of safety?[/quote]
In some respects it was. I was validated, I was cared for, I was the first thing on someone's mind, I enjoyed the touch, the caring, the affection, the sex.  I haven't really had that before.

BUT I also realize this place of safety also included horrible behaviors on her part:  emotional lability, raging, boundary busting, impulsive behavior, lack of respect for me etc.

to move forward with no closure - what closure is missing?  She liked you but was not fully committed.  Then someone else came along. Is this more an issue of her overstating her feelings when you were together.  Trying to rationalize that?

Simply, I don't feel like I have closure because her main reasoning for ending the relationship was NOT the reality that I lived, or the reality that was seen by other people.  In fact, it was almost the complete opposite.  I was not taking the relationship seriously enough, I was not committed to her, she was a convenience for me.  This was after I cried in front of her during the b/u and told her she was the important person in my life a week earlier.  I get that people can be on different pages, but this was a different book altogether. 

To no longer be a part of her life - this is a tough one that may take some digging.  Where you part of her life (hard question)?  Did she ever let you in?  6 months is not a long time - what did you actually have?

She told me everything about the sexual abuse she suffered as a child, she told me about her self-harm/cutting issues.  I helped her through her depression and anxiety issues.  I took care of her when she was ill.  She knew everything about my past history and my issues.  I met her family various times, she had met mine. I was planning a trip out of state to have her meet my extended family, as well as a summer vacation to her favorite spot.  She encouraged complete trust in her, and I gave it to her... . and I was betrayed

To me:

To happily see each other every day for 3 weeks straight before she suddenly breaks up with me - Abnormal

To buy me v day gifts and spend hours baking me things for the occasion, then dumping me 3 days later - Abnormal

To have no warning signs, no gradual distancing, no devolving of the r/s - Abnormal

To say she missed me every day, cares about me, likes me, feels safe around me, then ending it days later - Abnormal

To notice the r/s getting more serious and intimate, to have it up trending upwards, then a sudden end - Abnormal

To meet someone while we were together, and having your arms around him in photos a week after the b/u - Abnormal

All these behaviors make no sense to me, they are bizarre and crazy making. If I can't explain this situation with BPD traits, a BPD diagnosis, or some other than disorder/condition, where do I go?  How do I reconcile what happened?  I know I need to focus on myself, and I'm getting there.  But how can I learn and grow when I don't know what happened in the first place?

[laelle]

To put it best, she does not understand herself and her own feelings and needs, how can she even begin to understand yours?

This is not to say that your ex is insincere...   I believe wholeheartedly that your ex... . BPD or not has /had strong feelings for you.

She was an ideal partner) and you were an ideal partner... . until you werent  :'(

People with BPD can not sustain emotions... . You would have chased your tail forever trying to make someone happy who can not be happy.

I know it doesnt make any sense, not one bit, but at some point you just have to say... . BPD or not, she treated me badly, and even tho it hurts, I wont allow someone to treat me badly.

She says she is not committed to the relationship, and she has shown you that she is not.  Believe her... .

[seeking balance]

Hey Lameail,

The original topic of being scared of letting go is big - and it is clearly in step 1 of the 5 stages.


This part:

All these behaviors make no sense to me, they are bizarre and crazy making. If I can't explain this situation with BPD traits, a BPD diagnosis, or some other than disorder/condition, where do I go?  How do I reconcile what happened?  I know I need to focus on myself, and I'm getting there.  But how can I learn and grow when I don't know what happened in the first place?

Is kind of back to the bargaining phase of grief - maybe an easy way to think of it as your brain trying to protect you from feeling the pain & faith necessary for the above to occur.

BPD or Not - letting go really is the same process.  Sometimes (at least for me) reconciling the past via a diagnosis became less important as I let myself lean into my own pain and the fact that the relationship is over and out of my control.

So, you are scared to let go - let's look at that (step 2) - what are you really afraid of (rational or not, list it all, lets process it)

[Skip]

Simply, I don't feel like I have closure because her main reasoning for ending the relationship was NOT the reality that I lived, or the reality that was seen by other people.  In fact, it was almost the complete opposite.  I was not taking the relationship seriously enough, I was not committed to her, she was a convenience for me.

One of the problems many of us struggle with is that we do not read people well - we have a tendency to assign them a role and when they do things outside of that assigned role, we think they are confused, or crazy.

She said I was not taking the relationship seriously enough, I was not committed to her, she was a convenience for me.  :)o you think she may have meant, "it feels like we are not as serious and committed as people in a significant relationship would be - maybe this is more a relationship of convenience. I do not feel as serious and committed - this is a relationship of convenience. Good.  Not magical."

Maybe she has been feeling this.  Is it possible that in that 3 week period she gave her all - tried to elevate to it to magic - but just didn't feel it.

If you read about the stages of falling in love, after the "honeymoon" there is a period of humbling sobriety - reconciling the fantasy to the reality.  A lot of relationships don't make it past this.

This is human nature. pwBPD are humans.  The scenario above is certainly one possibility.

How might "BPD traits" overlay on this?  

1. The mirroring during the honeymoon phase would be more pronounced (but remember, we all mirror, that is an important part of how we connect)

2. There would be less holding back of her positive feelings - less filtering.  

3. Very high expectations of what a relationship should be - some ppossibly unrealistic.

4. Impulsiveness - she felt let down by the relationship after V day - she has felt this before - she acted.

What makes this seem "crazy" is that you were not in tune in to her expectation or disappointment - either because she she didn't express it well, you did hear her, or a combo - so there is a perceived disconnect in the actions. 

[GuiltHaunted]

"A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?"

Without reading all the other replies: Bingo!

All the feeling you wrote, I know then EXACTLY. But they fade, and a it takes time before the fibers of your body understand that simple statement quoted. For me 1 year, and it's about to slowly sink in. And I want to get to know someone else, I am looking forward to it now.

[Lamaiel]

So, you are scared to let go - let's look at that (step 2) - what are you really afraid of (rational or not, list it all, lets process it)

Rejection (especially from someone who knows me intimately)

Abandonment

Being alone

That my best wasn't good enough

That I'm not good enough

It took my 30 years for my first serious r/s, when will I get another chance?

That I am not desirable

That there is something wrong with me

[seeking balance]

Rejection (especially from someone who knows me intimately)

Abandonment

Being alone

That my best wasn't good enough

That I'm not good enough

It took my 30 years for my first serious r/s, when will I get another chance?

That I am not desirable

That there is something wrong with me

Really good digging deep on this 

So, if you have a T  - this list is great to take in so the T can help you fully process each of these items.

It is these Fears that you have to get to the root cause, heal (grief/cry) and let go - with that comes the letting go of your ex - not sure if that makes total sense right now to you, but please know you really are farther along than you think since you can clearly articulate your fears.

Healing our own abandonment - there is a good book called Journey from Abandonment that a lot of people found really healing.

Core wounds of "not enough" - I had that too.  A combination of reprogramming my own thoughts and challenging my own spiritual beliefs with my T helped tremendously.  We are all "enough and worthy". 

I also challenged these thoughts with "is this true and ok if this is true, then what" - this helped me lead to Radical Acceptance of where I am now.

If you want to push into this further on the thread, can you tie these feelings back to the first time you felt this way and why?

[Cardinals in Flight]

The sense of finality that comes with initiating "letting go" is definitely hard.

You cling to a certain level of hope; you never want to close that door.  To completely shut that door needs to be done for my sanity.  I need to burn that bridge (internally) so I never cross it again.  The future is all I have, and it is a future that I can dictate.  This is something I have known deep down from Day 1, and I need to accept it.  There is no going back.

This was my first serious relationship!  I was abandoned absolutely, and very cruelly.  There was no slow distancing, nothing was mutually understood or agreed upon.  She was in my life, and then suddenly she was gone and with someone else... . it is complete betrayal, and extremely painful.

I cannot let it jade me, warp my perceptions, and be a driving factor of future well-being and future relationships. I can only imagine what a healthy serious relationship looks like... . no confusion, no raging, no eggshells, no crazy making.  I will be looking forward to that day.

I can really relate to this post.  I was a very everyday, seemingly important part of my Xgfs life, even though she kept it in the "friends" category.  We did things I have never done with platonic friends, but ok.  The "leaving her behind"?  I get the fear, 3+ years and it's very very difficult.

Hugs Lamaiel

CiF

[heartandwhole]

Rejection (especially from someone who knows me intimately)

Abandonment

Being alone

That my best wasn't good enough

That I'm not good enough

It took my 30 years for my first serious r/s, when will I get another chance?

That I am not desirable

That there is something wrong with me

This is gold, right here, Lamaiel.  I know it's terribly scary, but if you can allow yourself to feel what these beliefs bring up – physically, emotionally (and preferably in the presence of a good T), you can begin to break through the defenses that have tried to keep these fears at bay most of your life.

This is great work you are doing.  Keep enquiring, this is the road to freedom. 

[laelle]

Just wanted to let you know that you are good enough... you always have been, and you always will be.  

It sounds like your doing alot of soul searching, and the amazing thing is you will come out of this a more aware individual.

My boyfriend keeps trying to tell me that something is "wrong" with me because I like the windows closed.

Finally I had enough and I told him, "Maybe there is something wrong with you because you like the windows open"

He said "that is just stupid!"  I said "EXACTLY"

Sometimes there is no right or wrong, only perception.

There is nothing wrong with you... you are great just as you are.  

 Laelle

[Lamaiel]

f you want to push into this further on the thread, can you tie these feelings back to the first time you felt this way and why?

It has to be my childhood, although I believe I had good parents and was raised pretty well.

I remember having serious issues with worry and shyness growing up.  I wasn't well liked from say 1st grade to 8th grade, and I had huge self esteem issues.  Very little friends, a good amount of invalidation, was made fun of etc, perhaps some bullying was involved.  I was a nice kid, but I didn't relate well to others and had issues socializing.  In HS, I moved to a different state and remember having similar issues.  Not many friends, not really a part of a group of friends, didn't partake in many social activities at the time, no confidence, didn't go to my own prom.  I spent much of my time on my computer in the basement. I had no intimate relationships or girlfriends, I didn't kiss a girl for example or even have a female interested in me from what I remember.

Once I went away to college, things changed for me dramatically, and it was a turning point in my life.  I believe I transformed as a person... . I socialized, I had close friends that I still am associated with to this day.  My confidence and self esteem grew.  I had sex with women, but never dated anyone intimately.  I really came out of my shell, like many others do.

Now through my 20's, I have many friends of both sexes, and have had plenty of women interested in me.  I am very sociable, friendly, kind, and humorous.  Again for the sake of context and not any sort of ego boost, I am considered a good looking individual to many of the opposite sex.  I am somewhat sexually fulfilled.  But yet here I am, just turned 30 years old, and I am clinging to my first serious relationship (only 6 months) with a 24 year old female who at worst displays BPD traits, and best case scenario is very emotionally immature. 

Why did I sacrifice self respect, boundaries, and myself in order to continue a relationship in which I was treated like a pile of **** for the latter half of it.  Why did I do anything I could to keep it alive?

Why have I not connected with more females in the past? What has held me back from developing intimate relationships earlier? I am supposedly over my self esteem issues, and any sort of social anxiety I may have.  I honestly don't think I have commitment issues.  

Something about my childhood continues to hold me back... . deep seated self esteem issues and fears of rejection, abandonment, and letting people in.  

[laelle]

It is hard for me to let people in because I have a childhood fear that if I try to be "normal" those childhood meanies who always criticized me, (now in my head only), would expose me as flawed.

I dont know if that makes sense, but I was ashamed for my very existence because people found me imperfect.

Now I tell the (head children) that they dont matter... . I love me, and I love and accept me just as I am.

If I am flawed, It is a beautiful and rare flaw.  I am a great person, and so are you! 

[seeking balance]

Something about my childhood continues to hold me back... . deep seated self esteem issues and fears of rejection, abandonment, and letting people in.  

Feeling this way does not mean you were not well raised - it means you had these feelings and they never really got addressed, so you stuffed them... . feelings or emotions are not facts, but they are energy that needs to processed and worked through... . you are really digging deep on this.

Do you have a T?

[fromheeltoheal]

Why did I sacrifice self respect, boundaries, and myself in order to continue a relationship in which I was treated like a pile of **** for the latter half of it.  Why did I do anything I could to keep it alive?

Here's a dose of feel-good I got from "Stop Caretaking the Borderline":

People who become Caretakers for a BP/ NP also seem to have a certain set of personality traits. These traits do not constitute a “personality disorder.” In fact, they can be highly valued and useful to relationships and families, at work, and socially, especially when they are at moderate levels. They include a desire to do a good job, enjoyment in pleasing others , a desire to care for others, peacemaking, a gentle and mild temperament, and calm and reasonable behaviors. These traits can be the hallmark of someone who is easy to get along with, caring of others, and a good worker, spouse, and parent.

But when you use these behaviors as a means of counteracting the extreme behaviors of the BP/ NP, they can morph into more toxic forms and become perfectionism, a need to please, overcompliance, extreme guilt, anxiety, overconcern, avoidance of conflict, fear of anger, low self-esteem, and passivity. At that point, these traits become detrimental to the mental, emotional, and physical health of the person and become Caretaker behaviors.

Connect with that any?

Something about my childhood continues to hold me back... . deep seated self esteem issues and fears of rejection, abandonment, and letting people in.  

Maybe, and a shrink might be able to help you through the head work.  On the other hand, every person on the planet experiences the same thing to some degree and at different times.  When we're born we can sht and puke and be completely irresponsible, as babies do, and adults still fawn over us, love us, and make fools of themselves spouting baby talk.  And then at some point the unconditional love gets conditional, and we realize we have to DO something to get love, not just BE.  So we get busy trying, and busy wondering if we're doing it right.  Standard human.

But we can always love ourselves, that is in our control.  Try this: look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say "I Love You" and mean it.  No, really mean it.  Uncomfortable at first if you've never done it, but it gets easier and more rewarding.  Bonus points: put both hands on the top of your chest just below your neck when you do it, a place very tied to compassion, and hold yourself compassionately there at the mirror.  No really.  :)o it.

Deep seated psych issues aside, love is an action and life is today.  Practice loving yourself, everything gets better with practice, and focus on your bright future, and watch the borderline fade into the distance as nice girls show up.  No really.

[Emelie Emelie]

People who become Caretakers for a BP/ NP also seem to have a certain set of personality traits. These traits do not constitute a “personality disorder.” In fact, they can be highly valued and useful to relationships and families, at work, and socially, especially when they are at moderate levels. They include a desire to do a good job, enjoyment in pleasing others , a desire to care for others, peacemaking, a gentle and mild temperament, and calm and reasonable behaviors. These traits can be the hallmark of someone who is easy to get along with, caring of others, and a good worker, spouse, and parent.

But when you use these behaviors as a means of counteracting the extreme behaviors of the BP/ NP, they can morph into more toxic forms and become perfectionism, a need to please, overcompliance, extreme guilt, anxiety, overconcern, avoidance of conflict, fear of anger, low self-esteem, and passivity. At that point, these traits become detrimental to the mental, emotional, and physical health of the person and become Caretaker behaviors.

Connect with that any?

Yes... . I definitely connect with that.  Thank you.  This helps.

[Lamaiel]

Feeling this way does not mean you were not well raised - it means you had these feelings and they never really got addressed, so you stuffed them... . feelings or emotions are not facts, but they are energy that needs to processed and worked through... . you are really digging deep on this.

Do you have a T?

Yes, I just started seeing a T a few weeks ago.  He has already started redirecting the focus from my relationship with her, to myself.  Hopefully we can dig deeper from there.

People who become Caretakers for a BP/ NP also seem to have a certain set of personality traits. These traits do not constitute a “personality disorder.” In fact, they can be highly valued and useful to relationships and families, at work, and socially, especially when they are at moderate levels. They include a desire to do a good job, enjoyment in pleasing others , a desire to care for others, peacemaking, a gentle and mild temperament, and calm and reasonable behaviors. These traits can be the hallmark of someone who is easy to get along with, caring of others, and a good worker, spouse, and parent.

But when you use these behaviors as a means of counteracting the extreme behaviors of the BP/ NP, they can morph into more toxic forms and become perfectionism, a need to please, overcompliance, extreme guilt, anxiety, overconcern, avoidance of conflict, fear of anger, low self-esteem, and passivity. At that point, these traits become detrimental to the mental, emotional, and physical health of the person and become Caretaker behaviors.

Connect with that any?

I 100% connect with almost all of that, almost disturbingly so.  Even more alarming is that I slowly transitioned into this behavior in the latter half of our relationship, and I didn't even realize it.  This behaviors continued post break up, and even after I found out about the replacement she met during our r/s.

Perfectionism - Tried reinvent myself into what her idea of the person/partner could be

A Need to Please - I did everything I could to make her happy, at the sacrifice of myself

Overcompliance - I almost never said no to her, and when I did and she pushed back I gave in.  Almost complete compliance.

Extreme Guilt - What am I doing wrong?  Why can I never treat her like she deserves to be treated?  I trust her, and I am being blamed for the all the issues in our r/s.  It must be my fault!

Overconcern - Always worried about her and her conditions, and how she was feeling. 

Avoidance of Conflict - There was never conflict, I completely avoided it at all costs.

Fear of Anger - relates to above, I've seen her angry and I don't want her to repeat it.

Passivity - I am not a passive person, but before long I became one in her presence.

[Sunny Side]

Lamaiel, it sounds like you're doing great work to get the core of your attachment to her.     Like your list suggests, that tug of need that is awakened in us works like a homing beacon to a pwBPD.  And once it's activated that beacon emits both ways until we're both circling around each other's core wounds like scavengers to dying prey.

Even more alarming is that I slowly transitioned into this behavior in the latter half of our relationship, and I didn't even realize it.

Many of these relationships have a way of surrounding our psyches by stealth until we no longer recognize who we thought we were, which was a terrifying place for me to be.   In my case the dormant feelings of loneliness and abandonment trauma that lied buried in my psyche were actually much closer to the surface than I realized.   Unearthing these wounds and confronting them allows us to heal and get back into life with a freer, unburdened sense of self and a lighter spiritual load.  That's part of the work I'm exploring with my own T. 

Really great work, Lamaiel, give yourself a pat on the back for your awareness and your progress and credit for acknowledging how terrifying the work is.

[seeking balance]

Yes, I just started seeing a T a few weeks ago.  He has already started redirecting the focus from my relationship with her, to myself.  Hopefully we can dig deeper from there.

Good stuff 

I 100% connect with almost all of that, almost disturbingly so.  Even more alarming is that I slowly transitioned into this behavior in the latter half of our relationship, and I didn't even realize it.  This behaviors continued post break up, and even after I found out about the replacement she met during our r/s.

Perfectionism - Tried reinvent myself into what her idea of the person/partner could be

A Need to Please - I did everything I could to make her happy, at the sacrifice of myself

Overcompliance - I almost never said no to her, and when I did and she pushed back I gave in.  Almost complete compliance.

Extreme Guilt - What am I doing wrong?  Why can I never treat her like she deserves to be treated?  I trust her, and I am being blamed for the all the issues in our r/s.  It must be my fault!

Overconcern - Always worried about her and her conditions, and how she was feeling. 

Avoidance of Conflict - There was never conflict, I completely avoided it at all costs.

Fear of Anger - relates to above, I've seen her angry and I don't want her to repeat it.

Passivity - I am not a passive person, but before long I became one in her presence.

I have to say, you are doing some of the most honest self-reflection I have seen - this is a very insightful thread that is outlining so well the stages along with the emotions of detachment.

I do hope you continue to contribute to these boards as you help yourself, you are certainly helping others.

Peace,

SB

[Cardinals in Flight]

I 100% connect with almost all of that, almost disturbingly so.  Even more alarming is that I slowly transitioned into this behavior in the latter half of our relationship, and I didn't even realize it.  This behaviors continued post break up, and even after I found out about the replacement she met during our r/s.

Perfectionism - Tried reinvent myself into what her idea of the person/partner could be

A Need to Please - I did everything I could to make her happy, at the sacrifice of myself

Overcompliance - I almost never said no to her, and when I did and she pushed back I gave in.  Almost complete compliance.

Extreme Guilt - What am I doing wrong?  Why can I never treat her like she deserves to be treated?  I trust her, and I am being blamed for the all the issues in our r/s.  It must be my fault!

Overconcern - Always worried about her and her conditions, and how she was feeling. 

Avoidance of Conflict - There was never conflict, I completely avoided it at all costs.

Fear of Anger - relates to above, I've seen her angry and I don't want her to repeat it.

Passivity - I am not a passive person, but before long I became one in her presence.

That is my truth Lamaiel, each and every word you wrote, thank you.  I answered a thread last week that had this care taking description and it was me to a T!  Sometimes it's hard to articulate all that swirls around in my head.

Struggling today but actually had a few good days this week.  Learning to redirect my thinking, focus more on me

CiF

[iluminati]

The sense of finality that comes with initiating "letting go" is definitely hard.

You cling to a certain level of hope; you never want to close that door.  To completely shut that door needs to be done for my sanity.  I need to burn that bridge (internally) so I never cross it again.  The future is all I have, and it is a future that I can dictate.  This is something I have known deep down from Day 1, and I need to accept it.  There is no going back.

This was my first serious relationship!  I was abandoned absolutely, and very cruelly.  There was no slow distancing, nothing was mutually understood or agreed upon.  She was in my life, and then suddenly she was gone and with someone else... . it is complete betrayal, and extremely painful.

I cannot let it jade me, warp my perceptions, and be a driving factor of future well-being and future relationships. I can only imagine what a healthy serious relationship looks like... . no confusion, no raging, no eggshells, no crazy making.  I will be looking forward to that day.

And the part in bold says it.  Your first serious relationship ending is going to sting, case closed.  There's never an easy way to end a relationship, but since so few of us marry the first person we get serious with, it happens to most of us.  I think the best way to go is to mourn your loss as what it is: a loss.  Once it's fixed in your head that it is a loss, it will be easier to move on.