BPD and Attachment Styles - The Dynamics

[Lamaiel]

Hi All!  I haven't found much recent information on FoF about this dynamic, so I thought I would start a discussion.

I've done a bit of research and it appears there is a positive correlation between BPD and certain attachment styles found in adult relationships.  Attachment styles and theory began as a study of the relationship dynamics/types between child and caregiver, and in the 1980's evolved into a study of relationships between adults, mainly intimate relationships.  Adults have four attachment styles: secure, anxious–preoccupied, dismissive–avoidant, and fearful–avoidant.

Secure

Securely attached people tend to have positive views of themselves and their partners. They also tend to have positive views of their relationships. Often they report greater satisfaction and adjustment in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Securely attached people feel comfortable both with intimacy and with independence. Many seek to balance intimacy and independence in their relationship.

Anxious–preoccupied

People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.

Dismissive–avoidant

The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with relationship partners, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive–avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection.

Fearful - Avoidant



People with losses or sexual abuse in childhood and adolescence often develop this type of attachment.  People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships. On the one hand, they desire to have emotionally close relationships. On the other hand, they tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. These mixed feelings are combined with sometimes unconscious, negative views about themselves and their partners. They commonly view themselves as unworthy of responsiveness from their partners, and they don't trust the intentions of their partners. Similar to the dismissive–avoidant attachment style, people with a fearful–avoidant attachment style seek less intimacy from partners and frequently suppress and deny their feelings. Instead, they are much less comfortable expressing affection.

It appears several studies have been done studying the dynamic between BPD or BPD traits and certain attachment styles, and it appears that many if not all pwBPDs have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, and secondarily the pre-occupied style... . both of which are under the umbrella of insecure attachment.  To me, this resonates with the experience with my exBPD.  :)oes this resonate with other members here?  What do you think your own attachment style may be?

Also, any senior or more experienced members (or others!) chime with their thoughts on this, or point me in the right direction?  I have not found much information on this, and I find it quite interesting.

[Turkish]

I tend to be Dismissive-avoidant, due to my FOO issues (being with four different caregivers or parental figures by the time I was 2.5 yrs old). My uBPDx used to say I was shut off, but that was my FOO being triggered by her invalidation, as I never felt "safe" talking about my feelings and needs, which had as much to do with me, if not more, than her.

I think this breakdown in attachment styles is a good starting point, but it also over simpifies the complex disorder of BPD. That being said, I think learning as much as one can about attachment is a key to understanding them, as well as ourselves. I started reading the book Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity To Love and I found it fascinating. I saw myself in it, and I also saw my Ex. It helped me understand just how much the Parent-Child r/s shapes the development of children. In understanding this, as well as being taught a very hard lesson from a pwBPD, I think it's made me a better parent. I am seeing the attachment dynamics play out with DS4 and DD2, and the differences on how they are reacting to our recent split, based upon their relative ages.

[seeking balance]

I recently was in a pretty deep course on this very subject as part of attachment parenting for foster/adoptive kids.

Simply, yes it resonated and more importantly the communication styles needed to "re-parent" a troubled child correspond directly to the skills taught in DBT. 

70% of the time we fall into our "role" and only about 50% of adults have a "secure" attachment style.  So, without therapy of our own for our own "secure" attachment a large % of adults have an unhealthy attachment style and we parent accordingly.

My T didn't put it in these words - more in the verbiage of core trauma, codependency, abandonment - but when I had the course on this, I could very clearly see the patterns in my own childhood and how/why I was attached to my ex.

So - since this is PI Lamaiel - what was your attachment style that made you connected to your ex?

[fromheeltoheal]

I very much have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, which played into the idealization and the illusion on 'intimacy' that I created with my ex.  And it's also what made the devaluation stage so painful and crazymaking.

I've done a whole lot of work on myself, and I don't have deep seated family of origin issues or a personality disorder, I just have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, yes, I'm one of the 50% who does not have a secure style.  So what.  I want to be in a relationship with someone who helps me feel good about myself, not a lot to ask or expect, I can even return the favor.  Note to self: don't turn to any more borderlines for that, it will just hurt.

[charred]

Probably fearful-avoidant myself,... . but in any case pretty sure about all of us that have been pulled in to BPD r/s are one of the three types other than "secure."

[Lamaiel]

I think this breakdown in attachment styles is a good starting point, but it also over simpifies the complex disorder of BPD. That being said, I think learning as much as one can about attachment is a key to understanding them, as well as ourselves.

Oh I COMPLETELY agree.  In no way am I saying that an individual with a fearful-avoidant style must then have BPD traits.  Rather, it appears almost all individuals with BPD express insecure attachment styles, most prevalent being fearful-avoidant.  Based on the description of the style, one can see many similarities between the style and BPD behaviors.  I wonder what one can derive based on this information?

[fromheeltoheal]

I say BPD is a 'style' of its own, and overshadows the styles that would apply to people without mental illnesses, in fact the attachment itself is the driving force for a borderline, the unhealthy need to fuse with another person, not two autonomous people forming a partnership, where attachment styles would inform the partnership.

Anyway, here on personal inventory it's more important to investigate our attachment styles, why we were attracted to and stayed with a borderline, our role in the dynamic, and how that will show up in future relationships.  The anxious-preoccupied style speaks to me especially well, it's good to know there are enough people like me to actually warrant a style, and I say so what, that can be dealt with, with the right person and authentic, open, honest communication.

[Lamaiel]

So - since this is PI Lamaiel - what was your attachment style that made you connected to your ex?

I have an interesting take on this question, and I am glad you asked... . tell me if you think my answer is off based on what you know about attachment theory.

I honestly feel I transitioned between 2 attachment styles during the 6 month r/s I had with my exBPDgf.  I think I started out with a somewhat secure attachment style (a false self perhaps?), I had a relatively solid opinion of myself, and of her... . I was completely comfortable with intimacy, as well as maintaining my independence.  I remember resisting her idealization tactics to some degree.

When the relationship became more intimate and serious, I started to fall in love.  These emotions combined with the beginning of her devaluation of me caused a complete transition to the anxious-preoccupied style.  I became co-dependent, my self esteem started spiraling downwards, I blamed myself for all the problems in the r/s, I became MUCH more emotional with her, ignored certain realities, and did everything I could to enable and rationalize her behaviors.  I never confronted her, initiated conflict... . my boundaries were torn down like they were nothing.  I did anything, and took whatever abuse in order to continue the relationship.

Some examples:

Remembering only her good qualities; ignoring the bad.

Putting her on a pedestal: underestimating my talents and abilities and over estimating hers.

“I’m compatible with very few people—what are the chances i’ll find another person like him/her? “

“It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.”:

“If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great person—for someone else.”

“She can change.”

“All couples have problems—we’re not special in that regard.”

Is this transition between a secure to insecure attachment style in such a short time period considered normal?  I am thinking no.  My theory is my secure attachment style I thought I showed in the beginning was a false self and a shell.  If I really had a secure attachment style I would have ended that relationship at after the first few instances of BPD behaviors (raging, emotional dysregulation, etc.)  I would have not swept those red flags under the rug for the sake of continuing an unhealthy relationship .

[AsianSon]

When the relationship became more intimate and serious, I started to fall in love.  These emotions combined with the beginning of her devaluation of me caused a complete transition to the anxious-preoccupied style.  I became co-dependent, my self esteem started spiraling downwards, I blamed myself for all the problems in the r/s, I became MUCH more emotional with her, ignored certain realities, and did everything I could to enable and rationalize her behaviors.  I never confronted her, initiated conflict... . my boundaries were torn down like they were nothing.  I did anything, and took whatever abuse in order to continue the relationship.

I greatly appreciate your comments and insight. 

And I hope you don't mind, but I am starting with your comments above and applying it to the situation of a child with a BPD parent.  Other than the first 2 sentences about a romantic relationship, the rest seems to apply completely to how a child might be shaped by a BPD parent. 

It is a bit like the parent putting the child in a hole of insecure attachment to start, and then the child is either doomed to live life in the hole or make an enormous effort to get out and become secure.  I have only just started to realize that I did not know about being in the hole myself. 

[seeking balance]

The attachment theory I am familiar with is specific to parenting that leads to an attachment style as outlined by Dr. Dan Siegel.  His approach discusses the 4 phases as:  secure, anxious, avoidant, disorganized.

Specifically, a parenting style leads to specific attachment:

secure=secure

preoccupied parent = anxious child

dismissing parent = avoidant child

Disorganized parent = disorganized child

This is different than BPD - but the secure parenting style reminds me of DBT and validation.  70% of the time you are parenting in a certain style, you end up with this sort of attachment, this is not about BPD, this is about flawed attachment styles in a high number of people since only about 50% of the population would fall into a secure category.

Regarding your theory Lamaiel, it sounds reasonable and would fall into the disorganized pattern.  From my limited knowledge, it would likely mean that you were parented in a disorganized style as well, thus this attachment felt familiar.

Again, my knowledge on attachment is Siegel and specific to parenting.

[ziniztar]

I honestly feel I transitioned between 2 attachment styles during the 6 month r/s I had with my exBPDgf. 

Hey Lamaiel and others. The whole thing about attachment is something that got me thinking about 2 years ago, that "maybe" I was affected by the death of my mother at age 5 .

Back then I read an article by Roos Vonk (a Dutch expert on this topic). She mentioned that research suggested that attachment styles can change over the course of years. Even securely attached people will turn into avoidant / fearful attached people after a long break-up. What I learnt from it was that attachment wins in a match. So the insecure attachment can learn from the secure attachment. However, this is a process that takes > year(s), so if the relationship does not last, you don't have enough time to build the trust that is necessary for secure attachment to grow. Apparently often insecurely attached people are drawn to each other because they uphold their beliefs of a relationship. It's why you have that one (insecurely attached) friend that always has troubled relationships and that other (securely attached) friend that grieves a little bit, but then seamlessly moves into a new long-term steady relationship.

In relation to BPD I can only say that keeping up relationships with your friends/family, and improving them, in term can change your insecure attachment style and can then be of an example to the pwBPD in your life. Once you found out what is possible you won't settle for less. I've noticed that I'm gaining more secure friendships lately and am ditching the insecure ones.

I can't find an English version of this, maybe I'll translate it this weekend. Would be a good exercise .

[bb12]

It appears several studies have been done studying the dynamic between BPD or BPD traits and certain attachment styles, and it appears that many if not all pwBPDs have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, and secondarily the pre-occupied style... . both of which are under the umbrella of insecure attachment.  To me, this resonates with the experience with my exBPD.  :)oes this resonate with other members here?  What do you think your own attachment style may be?

Fantastic thread... . and very timely for me.

I am exploring my own attachment style having taken the Personality Test on here yesterday and come up strongly for paranoid and dependent. I definitely fall into the pre-occupied quadrant... . craving but distrusting of intimate relationships in equal measure. My ex was definitely avoidant... . but seemed more dismissive than fearful about it. He did not appear to have self-worth issues at all and was inclined to remind me how useless and needy I was than hint at any short-coming he might have possessed.

But knowing I am pre-occupied / dependent / insecure... . how do I go about changing that?

Now that the focus is off him and BPD more generally, how do I change me?

If anything, as I start to date again (been two years since xBPD) I feel I am getting worse not better

BB12

[Lamaiel]

BB12, today my T recommended a book called "Attached".  I have yet to get into it, but it's supposedly a detailed look at attachment theory and attachment styles.  I would check it out.