Don't want a divorce... what can I do to stop it?

[kfifd196]

My uBPD wife filed for divorce 3 months ago and filed a false TRO against me, which doesn't allow me to talk to her about anything other than our almost 1 year old daughter.  They are living with her parents.  She thinks I don't love her and is telling everyone I don't want to reconcile, when it's the other way around.  Is there any way I can stop this divorce and talk with her or get a judge to send us to marriage counseling.  This isn't fair to our daughter or her or me.  We've only been married 9 months.  My wife had written her own vows, which were beautiful and I believed them.  She said she would always be her for better or worse, how much she lloved me and found her soulmate, etc.  Really touching and loving.  Now, she has complete hatred towards me and won't allow me to talk to her or try to rectify this.  We go to mediation next week.  I'm blocked from talking to her parents as well.  We reside in NJ.  I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE.  What can I do? 

[WalrusGumboot]

If you live in a no-fault state for divorce, I don't think there is anything you can do to stop it. You might want to consult with a lawyer to see how you can delay the process, and maybe by buying some extra time, she might have a change in heart.

Good luck.

[kfifd196]

NJ is a no-fault state and that's what stinks.  I can't do a damned thing about this!  I love my wife and I know she loved me.  She split me black and it's the most painful thing I've ever encountered.  Our daughter is going to wind up having divorced parents because of this.  My wife had trust issues and abandonment issues, along with others and I need her to see that she really can trust me, but she hasn't allowed herself to, from day one.  She even said it many times in texts and emails to me, the first month we met.  Can I have my lawyer get the judge to make us go to counseling somehow, since we have a young daughter?

[ForeverDad]

From a practical standpoint, if one spouse is determined to divorce, no judge will block it.  Laws differ from state to state, some do mandate "cooling off" periods to reduce impulsive/emotional quick decisions, but eventually it happens if the spouse remains determined.

Be careful in your desire to find a way to preserve your marriage.  While no one seeks a bad outcome, and it is good you're not doing that, your efforts could be misconstrued or even twisted to her and the officials as efforts to 'control' her.  Imagine her or her lawyer claiming, "He's trying to control her, he doesn't want a divorce because he wants to keep controlling her, etc."  They will claim she's an adult and has a right to divorce if she wants.

It is very hard to work with a disordered person.  If the person decides not to cooperate and even decides to obstruct and sabotage, you need to be sure to protect yourself and your parenting.  By that time the marriage is likely a moot point.

Our daughter is going to wind up having divorced parents because of this.

As hard as it is to say this, that may be a mixed blessing.  Why?  Many times parents arrive here having been appeasers and doormats for so long that the example they set for their children was one which set them up to seek relationships modeled after their their own parents.  Imagine your child thinking that a dysfunctional home was 'normal'.

It may be that you'll just have to provide a stable home environment when she is with you.  For that reason, seek as much parenting responsibility and time in the years to come.

Can I have my lawyer get the judge to make us go to counseling somehow, since we have a young daughter?

Possibly, but no one can guarantee results.  Unless she's willing to change, it might not help much.

[ForeverDad]

Although you can still look for opportunities to avoid a divorce, you need to focus on the immediate issues: your parenting,  the RO that can impact your parenting, how to get it dismissed as unsubstantiated, retaliatory, posturing to make you look worse than her or whatever, how to minimize the impact on your parenting in the years to come.

Remember, if you do manage to stay married, you'd still be in an unstable and dysfunctional relationship.  She could very well do this all over again and perhaps the next time you'd be in an even worse situation than you are now.

As much as you want her to be fixed, only she can do that and probably only with a trained professional.  Probably there's too much emotional baggage from the relationship for her to respond positively to your attempts.  (You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.)  You can work on improving your communication skills and coping skills but even that will only accomplish so much, the outcome rests with her and whether she will get into therapy and stick with it.  For a disordered person that's not impossible but it is a monumental hurdle to overcome.

[SWLSR]

There is almost nothing u can do.  the best thing u can do give it to her she may change her mind but she is playing with you.  dont play the game.

[livednlearned]

If you get too focused on stopping the divorce, you're going to be ten steps behind in court, and that's going to affect custody of your daughter.

No-fault states don't care why people get divorced. In most courts, the big deal is the well-being of the child and that means creating structure. If it looks like you're focused on the marriage instead of the child, you're going to miss your opportunity to get a fair shake at custody.

Have you read Splitting: Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy? It might help get your head where it needs to be -- she is probably focused entirely on custody, and you're focused on her. She's also the mother of a small child. Find out if there is a tender years bias in NJ courts. If so, it will be hard for you to get 50/50 parenting.

[Forestaken]

My S2bx used "I want a divorce as a loyalty test".  I fell for it for years.  Use the old saying "Prepare for war, pray for peace"

Get a L, Get a T.

BTW: I stuck with my uBPD+dOCDw for 24 years.  The situation is not going to get better.

[momtara]

I'm sorry this is happening, and it's so sad.  You have to be careful what you do, because what you do can make you look worse.  Too many dads have gotten minimal visitation of their kids here.  If you are a good dad, I want to make sure you get at least 50/50.  NJ is trying to be fairer to dads these days, so that may help you, and you don't want to screw it up.

I know how frustrating it must be that she is telling lies to everyone.  Many, many of us know the feeling of just wanting to fix the illness so we can get that loving, good person back.  We think maybe her family would talk sense to her if they knew the truth.  I know you wish for that.

Just FYI, divorces take some time in NJ.  If you can drop the TRO then during the divorce, you will both be FORCED to go to mediation to work out parenting time; that is schedule a few months after someone files.  But if there is an active domestic violence complaint then you can't do mediation.

IF her behavior is so extreme, she may cool off at some point when she sees what she's losing (esp if you may have decent visitation with the child).  You then just have to be careful about what you do next... .

I would say this.  Be very careful right now.  You can communicate with her, but through a lawyer talking to her lawyer.  

It is standard to drop a TRO in exchange for some sort of agreement.  She may offer an agreement for you to be out of the house.  The agreement may be for you to only see the kid a few days a month.  Many people here will tell you that temporary orders can become permanent.  So don't give in on anything that may hurt you, as much as you may feel sorry for her and want to just get this over with.  An agreement now may cause you years of headaches and thousands of dollars later trying to get parenting time again.  If she has no case and can't prove her claims, then she can't get the final restraining order.  (Of course, anyone can lie and a judge may believe her, so you have to get a decent lawyer and stay calm when you go back to court and explain that this is sudden and nothing is happening.)  

I know you miss her, and I feel for you.  Right now you have to be careful and save yourself trouble in the long run.  You probably can avoid a Final Restraining Order, but you should be careful what kind of agreement you sign to get out of it.  Your lawyer can also tell her, or her lawyer, that you'd like to go to counseling or reconcile and your lawyer will decide if it's worth passing that along.  Lawyers can be reasonable about these things.

[ForeverDad]

We had a NJ member TCarlisle active here 4-6 years ago.  He was told, "No way can you get custody."  Well, he got a permanent RO against his spouse and that swung custody in his favor in family court.  His ex was fuming, having the tables turned on her, but somehow he did just the right things to prove his case and that swung the balance in his favor.  That's why it is so important to handle this TRO very carefully, prove it is just retaliation and posturing for the court, it may mean a lot more than you think!

That is why Bill Eddy's SPLITTING handbook speaks so strongly against falsely admitting to guilt, even minor guilt "just to get it over with" or "probably doesn't mean much anyway".  Oh yes it does!

Also, beware of telling the court you will do almost anything to stay married.  Her lawyer may try to claim you are controlling.  Yes, trying to stay married, once a standard and excellent concept, could be twisted into alleged "controlling the spouse".  That's the reversed logic we deal with today that wasn't even imagined a few decades ago.