Ultra-sensitivity to critizism

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Now this is a mess.

Yesterday my BPDwife broke a several months long silent treatment. It all started out good. I told her she's been silent and she said it's because she's been trying to save me from abuse.

I told her in all honesty that I no longer tell her when I have issues with her, because I'm afraid she will blow up or dysregulate. She said she understod this very well, but at the same time she became agitated and demanded to know what those issues were that I've been meaning to bring up. I told her again that she will have to promise not to blow up and try to listen and understand.

Then I told her that I would feel more safe and at easy if she didn't drink when she's out with friends (she's 35+!). She's on neuroleptics + lithium, and she's been cheating on my a couple of years ago when she was drinking. I told her I had a knot in my stomach weeks before she's going out with her friends (true!)

She admitted that her doctor had adviced her not to drink on the meds but that she felt confident that she could drink 3-4 glasses of wine and have a good time.

I told her that I didn't feel as confident, knowing about her sudden moodswings with sucidal thoughts, sudden devaluating thoughts/feelings about me etc.

She told me that she hates being told what to do and it's almost like she "has to do it" then. Then she lets out a little laugh, which seriously pissed me off because I was really putting myself in vulnerable position. The discussion ended because our daughter woke up from her midday nap.

Later, out of the blue (and in the presence of our daughter), she suggests that perhaps we'd try living apart (not breaking up). I asked her what she had i mind, and this sent dysregulating big time. She spent hours altering between discussing the living arrangements and her new apartment in all seriousness and then crying in bed screaming "noo".

Eventually we managed to have a fairly civilized talk (daughter at daycare - we both home sick from work).

She opened the discussion with;

"So, are we going to do it or not?" (separate)

I told her it has to be her decision. She brought it up and she was going to be the one to move out of the house.

Very soon I understod that if I made it her decision, she was not going to do it. That was a dealbreaker apparently.

We simply had to leave the discussion about whose decision it was (even though I thought it was a very important one).

Then we discussed the practical stuff. The idea was that we would spend time together when she was feeling better and not dysregulating. I asked her how that would work. Normally she doesn't admit to having a "bad period" until afterwards. She admitted it was like that and she had no good answer.

Then she turned around 180 degrees. She would never move out. She would feel "Thrown out". No talking of joint decisions anymore.

Later she said "It's not that I can't live alone, because I can".

Then we discussed the alaternative to separation. I don't know how this came about, but it seems like she viewed herself as "expelled" in the situation and asked me what she would have to do to be allowed to stay. And of course I didn't miss that an opportunity to speak my mind about what I would like to see changed, especially considering the months long silence that had just been.

It turns out that the DBT that my wife had started in november had not started at all - at least not in structured form. The reason why is kind of obscure to me. But my wife attends weekly sessions with a DBT therapist and has talks and as my wife describes it I don't think she complies. She thinks the T is "stupid". I have met the T on several occasions and she is far from stupid.

She's also at heads with her doctor. My wife think she has a rapid cycling form of bipolar disorder that she's read about on the internet and she wants half time sick leave. The doctor doesn't approve of neither, so it's BAD doctor.

This was my first report since before christmas, so it was really depressing news.

What we agreed on was to discuss her actual problems with the doctor and T instead of trying to convince them or this or that. She has to be truthful about how badly she functions socially, not just complain other people.

(I hate to bite my tongue not to tell her this - Just stop telling people what do for once, you'd be surprised!)

Now she's happy as a kite, and of course she thinks our relationship has taken a turn for the better because we're TALKING again.

In fact, i'm just more convinced of her unreliability and dysfunctionality. It confirms what I know that she has to do things her way 100%, and even sharing my view point as a husband will send her wreaking havoc.

She functions OK on a day-to-day basis, but try having a discussion with her and it's so full of contradictions. She doesn't get concepts like responsibility or mandate. She has excentric ideas like the "block" against being asked to leave her own home ("I just can't do it" even when necessary or do things that other have told her to.

This whole episode above is more bizarre to me than perhaps it appears to you because we've been a couple for 20 years and separation is something very dramatic for my wife. It seems my wife has become far more senitive to critizism in later years.

I feel more and more like a hostage in my own home. She can't move out. I can't tell her if I'm uncomfortable. I'm just sitting in the corner, watching.

I don't know if breaking up is a good solution right now. I touched upon the subject during our discussion and said that her having the kids 50% is not a good idea because she's not up for it every second week, and she agreed. But then a few minutes later she said that taking care of the daughter was not problem, it was ME who was the problem. So she switches standpoint every few minutes.

Actually, this ultra-sensitivity to critizism is a bit a dealbreaker for me. My communication to her is limited to formal stuff and chit-chat. Everything else is running risk of becoming sensitive. I have tried to the communication techniques and all that, but it fails (she takes the "E" in "S.E.T." for approval etc).

Has anyone else had this situation where the sensitivity escalates and where there has become zero tolerance for critizism? Was there any way to change it? Where did it go from there?

[hergestridge]

Now this is a mess.

Yesterday my BPDwife broke a several months long silent treatment. It all started out good. I told her she's been silent and she said it's because she's been trying to save me from abuse.

I told her in all honesty that I no longer tell her when I have issues with her, because I'm afraid she will blow up or dysregulate. She said she understod this very well, but at the same time she became agitated and demanded to know what those issues were that I've been meaning to bring up. I told her again that she will have to promise not to blow up and try to listen and understand.

Then I told her that I would feel more safe and at easy if she didn't drink when she's out with friends (she's 35+!). She's on neuroleptics + lithium, and she's been cheating on my a couple of years ago when she was drinking. I told her I had a knot in my stomach weeks before she's going out with her friends (true!)

She admitted that her doctor had adviced her not to drink on the meds but that she felt confident that she could drink 3-4 glasses of wine and have a good time.

I told her that I didn't feel as confident, knowing about her sudden moodswings with sucidal thoughts, sudden devaluating thoughts/feelings about me etc.

She told me that she hates being told what to do and it's almost like she "has to do it" then. Then she lets out a little laugh, which seriously pissed me off because I was really putting myself in vulnerable position. The discussion ended because our daughter woke up from her midday nap.

Later, out of the blue (and in the presence of our daughter), she suggests that perhaps we'd try living apart (not breaking up). I asked her what she had i mind, and this sent dysregulating big time. She spent hours altering between discussing the living arrangements and her new apartment in all seriousness and then crying in bed screaming "noo".

Eventually we managed to have a fairly civilized talk (daughter at daycare - we both home sick from work).

She opened the discussion with;

"So, are we going to do it or not?" (separate)

I told her it has to be her decision. She brought it up and she was going to be the one to move out of the house.

Very soon I understod that if I made it her decision, she was not going to do it. That was a dealbreaker apparently.

We simply had to leave the discussion about whose decision it was (even though I thought it was a very important one).

Then we discussed the practical stuff. The idea was that we would spend time together when she was feeling better and not dysregulating. I asked her how that would work. Normally she doesn't admit to having a "bad period" until afterwards. She admitted it was like that and she had no good answer.

Then she turned around 180 degrees. She would never move out. She would feel "Thrown out". No talking of joint decisions anymore.

Later she said "It's not that I can't live alone, because I can".

Then we discussed the alaternative to separation. I don't know how this came about, but it seems like she viewed herself as "expelled" in the situation and asked me what she would have to do to be allowed to stay. And of course I didn't miss that an opportunity to speak my mind about what I would like to see changed, especially considering the months long silence that had just been.

It turns out that the DBT that my wife had started in november had not started at all - at least not in structured form. The reason why is kind of obscure to me. But my wife attends weekly sessions with a DBT therapist and has talks and as my wife describes it I don't think she complies. She thinks the T is "stupid". I have met the T on several occasions and she is far from stupid.

She's also at heads with her doctor. My wife think she has a rapid cycling form of bipolar disorder that she's read about on the internet and she wants half time sick leave. The doctor doesn't approve of neither, so it's BAD doctor.

This was my first report since before christmas, so it was really depressing news.

What we agreed on was to discuss her actual problems with the doctor and T instead of trying to convince them or this or that. She has to be truthful about how badly she functions socially, not just complain other people.

(I hate to bite my tongue not to tell her this - Just stop telling people what do for once, you'd be surprised!)

Now she's happy as a kite, and of course she thinks our relationship has taken a turn for the better because we're TALKING again.

In fact, i'm just more convinced of her unreliability and dysfunctionality. It confirms what I know that she has to do things her way 100%, and even sharing my view point as a husband will send her wreaking havoc.

She functions OK on a day-to-day basis, but try having a discussion with her and it's so full of contradictions. She doesn't get concepts like responsibility or mandate. She has excentric ideas like the "block" against being asked to leave her own home ("I just can't do it" even when necessary or do things that other have told her to.

This whole episode above is more bizarre to me than perhaps it appears to you because we've been a couple for 20 years and separation is something very dramatic for my wife. It seems my wife has become far more senitive to critizism in later years.

I feel more and more like a hostage in my own home. She can't move out. I can't tell her if I'm uncomfortable. I'm just sitting in the corner, watching.

I don't know if breaking up is a good solution right now. I touched upon the subject during our discussion and said that her having the kids 50% is not a good idea because she's not up for it every second week, and she agreed. But then a few minutes later she said that taking care of the daughter was not problem, it was ME who was the problem. So she switches standpoint every few minutes.

Actually, this ultra-sensitivity to critizism is a bit a dealbreaker for me. My communication to her is limited to formal stuff and chit-chat. Everything else is running risk of becoming sensitive. I have tried to the communication techniques and all that, but it fails (she takes the "E" in "S.E.T." for approval etc).

Has anyone else had this situation where the sensitivity escalates and where there has become zero tolerance for critizism? Was there any way to change it? Where did it go from there?

[In_n_Out]

Yes.  This sounds like my ex to a "T".  We were engaged and living together and she would frequently and randomly bring up "living apart so that we could properly date".  This was before I knew about her BPD and so it would throw me for a loop.  I would hold a grudge about the mere proposal.  Then finally, as our lease was renewing, she took the initiative and found me my own place. I had no say in the matter.  I was suddenly out.  That led to the relationship crumbling and her fleeing to my replacement.

Some of have read my story here.  I've since been involved with months of recycling and being the third in her on again/off again relationship with my replacement.  Trying to discuss anything related to her actions and her intentions is met with stiff resistance.  She is the "waif" type, so she will not get angry but she will cry and make every attempt to flee the situation.  She has done so recently and we are once again in the NC stage where I am painted black.  This time last week and we were cuddling and laughing and (mostly) having a great time together... . until we had to do some serious talking... . and then she would dysregulate and pull away.  This time, she's pulled out completely.

What I've learned is that it is 100% needs based for HER NEEDS.  Mine are of no consequence unless it directly affects her in a positive and happy way.  I can't share my feelings or thoughts.  I can have my emotions if they are happy or if I'm crying over her with her but if I discuss "us" or "him", she dysregulates and will leave. It is everything that is wrong in a relationship that should be 50/50 in compromise, growth and happiness and I don't see that it could or would ever change from that.

[upsidedown_world]

I think I'd see a lawyer.  Get the skinny on financials and viability of custody.  I hate to say it but I think many BPDs "use" children as a hook to help tip the scales in their favor.  I'd be curious to find out how many have kids "early on" after marriage because kids can love them unconditionally - at least until they get older and start to think for themselves... . but they remain as an insurance policy against abandonment.

No adult trust relationship can be built when one party isn't trustworthy.  So ask yourself what you want, what you need, and what you can afford.  There are other fish in the sea that aren't filled with mercury.

[hergestridge]

Actually I felt relieved for a while when it seemed like she was serious about moving out. Too bad she won't collaborate to make our best if our marriage or give our daughter the best possible future. She really needs a place to retire to and she can't stand being around either me or our daughter 24/7. But she just decides she "can't do it" and ends the discussion. Plus she brings it up as a reaction to sonething I said that pissed her off. She only discusses serious issues and big decissions when under affect. It's so dysfunctional.

[upsidedown_world]

Yeah, when they "discuss" while triggered or "in the BPD zone" it's never good.  All rational planning or agreements need to be hammered out from an emotional safe zone where they're NOT triggered at the time so they can actually have a chance to think with their frontal lobe instead of the fight-or-flight lizard brain.  Maybe casting them in the role of the rescuer with a "help me with this" approach might appeal to their sense of control.

Discussions while a BPD is in "the zone" need to be shut-down right away via some deferring tactic that's validating but doesn't permit the conflict to continue.  Otherwise it's a prescription to get sucked into their emotional abyss.

[Perdita]

She told me that she hates being told what to do and it's almost like she "has to do it" then.

My BPbf seems to think along the same lines.

Sorry you are going through this. 

[upsidedown_world]

She told me that she hates being told what to do and it's almost like she "has to do it" then.

My BPbf seems to think along the same lines.

Sorry you are going through this. 

That's what happens when a child-mind is granted the authority and independence of an adult.  "You're not the boss of me." Along with proof to that effect.