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woodsposse
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« on: May 04, 2014, 10:22:33 PM » |
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Just thought I'd share that I'm not feeling the best today. Am very emotionally drained had a very bizarre and energy charged weekend.
On one hand, I was able to have a long over due conversation with my PD mother. After coming to this site and doing my reading and seeing how my relationship with her fed into my future relationships (and staying in dysfunctional relationships), I had confronted her about my childhood traumas - and ultimately it ended with me needed to walk away from her, since the cycle just continues. Don't get me wrong, my mother will never understand what she does. Even today she just wasn't getting it. But I had another family member here to mediate (two actually) - and things went well. My other family members thought the way I handled the conversations was brilliant and on point. It wasn't a bunch of hollering and screaming or anything of that nature, but I was direct and never backed down from my points (whether she heard them or not).
This was what I needed. I needed the validation (or at least to put it out there and be heard) - and I needed to have that conversation with my mother. It doesn't feel good to not have your mother... . I'm not saying a direct result of this conversation was that things are "fixed" but at least I aint broke.
The sadder part of what happened this weekend is I had to end my relationship with my gf of 18 months.
We had started dating when my marriage ended - but before I was emotionally stable (and certainly before I came to this site and started understanding what I had been dealing with under my hood). My r/s with her, from my perspective, was a very happy and stable r/s. We spent great times together - we had loads of fun and great conversations. We were open and honest with each other and I felt secure in being who I am (and at the same time allowing her to be exactly who she is).
We never lived together, but we had discussed the possibility of doing so. But at the time it was very premature - so we eventually backed off of that and just did our thing day by day.
I know as I was still trying to heal, there were a lot of times I would be here (at my home) going through some very rough emotional things that I didn't let her see. I had other support friends I could talk with... . or my therapist, and of course coming here. Me coming here was really at the tail end of me getting emotionally stable.
Well... . that and finally going full NC with my ex-wife.
I'm not ashamed to admit it, but once my ex had found out I had started dating again - she popped up again and was a bit of a thorn... . as I didn't want her and I to split from the start, and now that I was dating my GF it was very difficult in my head and heart to separate myself. It was touch-and-go there for a minute. I had thought about getting back with my wife, but I knew that was just plain crazy. so I stayed with my GF while I was still working out what I needed in my head.
My GF was a very calming force in my life... . sometimes like a port in the storm. I'm sure I was the same for her (as she too had been in some messed up relationships and I treated her much better than she ever had before... . mostly because I'm a super swell type of dude!)
18 months is a long time - and during that process is when I finally went NC with my ex... . and it was after that that everything started to fall into place. I went NC with my ex very shortly after coming here, learing about the disorder, understanding my role in everything, and tracing things backwards to my childhood traumas and my FOO.
That's when I learned why I was so ready to stay in dysfunctional relationships - and allow things that were not in my best interests to continue to go on around me. That is why I was so emotionally confused to think I would want to get back with my ex (even after the abuse, lies, cheating, etc etc that a lot of us know all too well).
Although things between my g/f and I were awesome during this last 18 months and we never argued or fought or said a cross word to each other... . we did have one major run in earlier this year (which just so happened to be right before I came to this board). There was some stressors going on in both of our lives and it just was a perfect storm of stress... . and there was me being prepared to walk away from her.
That lasted all of about 12 hours... . then I figured it wasn't her, it was me. I was bringing in a lot of my past into whatever was going on and that wasn't fair to her. We talked about it, and resolved the issue and I thought things were fine.
Well... . fast forward to this weekend and there were some "things" I stumbled on in her phone that were... . for lack of another way to express it - highly inappropriate. Basically a deal breaker.
This time it wasn't me, my past, my emotional unstableness or any thing of the kind. I wanted to make sure I got myself better and healed and was as emotionally strong and available for our r/s... . and mostly for me. I hated all of these years being bounced from one dysfunctional r/s to another - even though the way I was thinking about things were sound, the women I was with were my mother all over again.
So immediately I knew what I had to do. I couldn't stay. Yes, there was a bit of a conflict - yes things were a bit emotional, but I did try very had to keep things in perspective and under control. No hollering or screaming - but I did end up leaving her apartment late last night and coming back to my place (a two hour train ride... . uggg).
We discussed what happened this morning... . and we came to the conclusion that we should go ahead and break up. But that wasn't good enough for me. I couldn't just walk away not without having some kind of closure which made some kind of sense. So we were able to discuss it (as best we could with the emotion flow)... . and, to be honest, although I know what happened was enough for me not to be able to stay - I didn't want to leave.
18 months is a long time. Not as long as the 20 years I was with my ex-wife... . but still, it's a long time.
Yes a part of me is very hurt right now... . but I know it is for the best and after the first conflict - it is in my best interest to let this one go. Not to say or suggest that my gf is disordered, but whatever stress she has going on in her life and the way we "ended" it - was far to similar to my ex-wife and I can't ignore how I felt and what I saw.
I am thankful for this site in helping me recover and heal, not only from my r/s with my ex-wife... . but also with my FOO, my mother and... . to a point, with my gf. I miss her dearly already - and, of course, I miss the routine of knowing she is my GF and that we have had an awesome 18 months.
But healthy is what healthy does. Yes, I met her and was involved with her for well over a year before I finally fully detached from my ex-wife. Yes, I met her and was involved with her before I reached the point of the emotional stability I enjoy now (especially after coming here) - so, yes, I think I had messed around and got into another relationship with my mother (or at least some traits). But that's okay. It happens.
For what we were to each other during this time frame, it served a great purpose. Having been in a stable r/s for 18 months (regardless of how it ended at the "last minute" was awesome. Yes I wish what had happened didn't happen and things could have turned out different. But, things turned out exactly they way that they needed.
I'm here now (as in my stability) - and maybe if I were here 18 months ago, her and I may not have dated as long as we did. Yes there were some signs that things could go south at any moment (we had a lot of issues between us... . me with my ex-wife, and my kids... . she doesn't have kids, was never married, but there is a history of her own she has, etc). We did enjoy getting together, going out, movies, dancing, etc. Very stress relieving times spent together. Could it have worked out long term? I don't know - but that wasn't the point. We were just taking it day by day.
So we reached a day and a level where we just couldn't take it any further. It sucks - but it is what it is.
Anyway, I'm sharing all of this because I know how much I have enjoyed being here and I know that the community works. Yes tonight I am emotionally drained and I miss my GF a lot. But I know tomorrow will be better and I have to trust how I felt when I ran across the stuff I ran across. No amount of "conversation" can change it because now I know how "normalized" dysfunction became in my home as a child and I refuse to relive that... . regardless of how much time we have already spent together.
It may have ended on a sour note, but it really was the healthiest relationship (and breakup) I have ever had.
I would implore anyone in the same types of situations to really study the materials here - the links on the right about attachment and detachment... . healing and understanding... . and looking at yourself as well. Trust me, it works. No one is meant to be in any relationship with pain, chaos, confusion, cheating and all the other things that the disorder brings (or even if the r/s doesn't have any disorder in it).
No one needs to walk on eggshells, no one needs to have any reason to hide anything from anyone. Just be open and honest and life is so much easier and happy.
Okay... . I'm done with this novel. Thanks for taking the time to read.
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