exBPD GF contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hope is a terrible thing.

[blueman54321]

Hope is a terrible thing.

[Spartan999]

Hope is a wonderful thing... . Expectations are not.    So the saying goes, 'expectiation is the root of all heartache'... . you cannot negotiate,  beg,  or barter for her to respect you and feel the way you want.   That is why you have deemed her BPD.   If she clinically falls into a textbook of this,  then you already know how the story goes,  read post after post after post after post.    Your job is take back control of yourself.    Keep working out,  keep reading,  and remember,  its not a game... . Some relationships are a game,  but this one is not,  she is emotionally numb,  and these people have less and less respect the more admirable we attempt to be.    Its really the truth.   They want someone new,  they don't want us,  they already had us.   They want US to soothe them,  but like I experienced,  as soon as you don't play dumb and play along with their script,  and you say you miss them,  and hope for a heartfelt connection,  End of the communication... .   Work on yourself,  find that clarity you need,  and even if slips away,   just remember it,  because that clarity of who you are as a person, and who they are,  is truth.       And also remember... . 'anticipation is disappointment in progress'... . sad to say,  but a watched pot never boils.   Work through this with dignity for yourself.   And don't have regrets for caring for someone so deeply,  but learn something about yourself in the process.    Keep us posted,  its a process... .   a LONG process for many.   But it gets better.   The re-engagements in between rebounds will set you back to ground zero,  make note. 

[LettingGo14]

Hope is a terrible thing.

Blueman54321... . I am sorry you are suffering.   Many of us have been in your shoes, waiting for a sign that we are okay, that we are validated.  Thank you for posting your pain -- it is accepted here, and understood.

I sat in darkness for a long time, waiting for hope to arrive in the form of validation from my ex-girlfriend.  I sat & sat & sat because I felt powerless.

Ultimately, with the help of this community, I slowly found the joy of abandoning hope.   I am returning to myself.   I am learning to be okay with groundlessness.  

We're here for you.

As a footnote, there's a passage from a book by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist teacher, that I like:

"As long as we’re addicted to hope, we feel that we can tone our experience down or liven it up or change it somehow, and we continue to suffer a lot. Abandoning hope is an affirmation, the beginning of the beginning. You could even put “Abandon Hope” on your refrigerator door instead of more conventional aspirations like “Everyday in everyway, I’m getting better and better.” We hold onto hope and it robs us of the present moment. If hope and fear are two different sides of the same coin, so are hopelessness and confidence. If we’re willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation."

[Spartan999]

 I caught this term on these boards,  and it is a valid state of thought... . it's called  malignant hope.    Know the difference,  and keep re-directing the sails forward.  Look into the sunrise,  not back at the sunset.

[Banshee]

There is a point number 7: she doesn't think about you and she's not interested.

She did state this in her first response.

Sometimes we over analyse everything they say and do, and we don't listen enough to the very words coming from their mouth. We think things have hidden meanings, we scratch below the surface to see what they " may" be saying instead of really listening to what they are saying.

This is so true! He was a pro at turning everything I said into something that offended him... I would turn obvious rejection into something positive... . it  hurt less to do this and one of the hardest thing to stop doing

[blueman54321]

Her response:

"Not going to happen, don't make me ignore you again please."

Just, dumbfounding.

I have just woken up at 4 in the morning and read that. It is sickening really, no emotion, no thought, just a threat.

I wrote a reply back and send it. Really, just looking for understanding, but I doubt she knows and will probably really with some bulls**t.


":)on't keep threatening to ignore me, that's unfair.

Why would you ignore me after this I'm just asking you to think.

I still don't understand how you can dump me emotionally from everything to nothing *name*, and not want to see me anymore. I am incredibly hurt. i need help from you to talk about that. I don't get it. Have you done this before?

How about you explain why you are so resolute that their is no future for us, when we spent 4 years together when you thought there was a brilliant future for us? And just one 1 month later you are so resolute. I would appreciate that.

Also, can you tell me how you don't ever want to see me again? Yes I am still in love with you *name*, but even if I wasn't you would still be my best friend and soul mate and I would want to see you. I would want to talk to you on Facebook and MSN text, I would like to hear from you, whereas you seem to treat me like a stranger now, I don't get it, can you please explain this because it is very very saddening. This hurts more than anything.

I don't understand how you don't think of me at all when we were lovers for so long and the wounds are still fresh?

Also, I don't understand how you can move on so quick without remorse or grief. When two people in love end a long relationship, they were will mourn, grieve, hurt, hide for a long time, and generally do not want to get involved with anyone until they are absolutely ready to give themselves to someone else. They quite often are still in love with each other too and will get back together if the relationship failed from external factors, like ours did. I don't understand how you have gone on so quick. You know I think that I triggered you and I'm black in your mind now, hence being blocked on everything. But even so, you attempted to move on quickly. Please explain this in detail.

If it's a case of GIGS, the grass is greener, I don't think that's fair as we could fix everything easy, and I made a lot of sacrifices for you that you should appreciate. I love you to bits.

And if you just feel there is too much damage done now or you're too stubborn to go back on what you have said. That is rubbish. There is no long term damage done and in the persuit of love nothing can get in the way of that.

Please help me understand this dramatic turn around, you wanted to spend your life with me *name*, not very long ago, please help me understand.

Think about these questions, don't just give me spin. I want it from the heart."

and 2nd email quickly sent after

"And you also thought about making a mistake. But refuse to meet me, isn't this a little stubborn?

What is so bad about meeting me?

And conversely, you fell in love with me for a long time before, what is so bad about me now?

Yes I made mistakes, we both did, but underneath I am still the same person who you fell in love with, and the same for you, just with a lot more knowledge now and great insight into where I went wrong.

Please help me with all these questions, from the last email specifically. I don't really understand who you are right now, but try and remember sitting with me, me in my ghostbusters, you in your doggies and kissing and talking and hugging and then just write down answers for these questions, respectfully. My mind is confused and my heart is completely messed up."

Not the greatest of emails but I'm pretty tired.

Just can't believe the switch off that BPDs do. I want her to try to be introspective, but I never seen her be introspective before so I know it's probably not gonna happen, I don't think she's capable of it. And I'll probably get some s**t thrown my way.

I'm thinking of driving the 2 hours down there, but living with her enablers, who she has demonised me to, I doubt she'll even show her face.

Regardless, my goal is to try to organise her to meet me on friendship grounds to just talk on Sunday, hopefully I can get her to do this. Going to be a struggle when she doesn't have barely any time for me anymore, and when she does it's mainly talking about her.

Impending sense of doom and failure. I just don't have the energy for this anymore.

[blueman54321]

Regardless, my goal is to try to organise her to meet me on friendship grounds to just talk on Sunday, hopefully I can get her to do this. Going to be a struggle when she doesn't have barely any time for me anymore, and when she does it's mainly talking about her.

Not to mention she'll probably be in another relationship by then, with anyone. heh.

[blueman54321]

Nope, she's back on with the overseas guy.

[Infared]

Blueman, I understand your suffering.  I felt so frustrated.  So exasperated and depressed. Men want, by force of their own free will will to fix things. I tried to force my will on the situation with all the power I had in me (without being an ass or part of the problem... i.e. No Drama)  I wanted to fix it with every cell in my being. With all the live that I had in me.  Sometimes it is just the will of the universe (or God if you believe), that something just cannot be. There is no "understanding" it.  Trying to be rational with an a totally irrational human being is like trying to build an ice castle on a beach on the equator. Futile.

I did not want to here these words, but "as long as you try to pursue this you will suffer".

Please try to surround yourself with people who support you.

Sometimes you have to surrender to win.

[Lights843]

One of the things I struggle with the most is remembering that I am not in love with my ex, I am in love with the person I wish she was. I keep forgetting that she is a liar, a cheater, and a thief.

This is exactly what I tell myself when I think back to the good times. I tell myself that my ex was a "liar, cheater, and a thief." There's a reason why all of our mutual friends and even HER family have supported me during these tough times.

blueman, I promise you that soon you will contact her less and less and you finally free yourself from her grip. I advise you to work on getting to that stage. Find your support through friends and family and surround yourself with positive people.