NC still with exBP, but have manifested a new tyrant

[Depression = 72% of members]

I went NC with my ex for the last time about a month and a half ago. Same time I was starting a new job. A few red flags went up when I was applying for the job, but seeing that I was in the process of extricating from my ex (dramatically), and it really seemed to be a great job for me, I didn't pay much mind to the red flags at the time.

Now, 6 weeks into the job, I'm realizing that my new boss is very possibly a Narcissistic abuser on some sub-clinical level. Several situations and things said have pointed to this, and I'm so torn about whether to quit or stay and try to figure it out. Isn't that just the story of my life? I finally take action to eject an abusive person from my life only to walk right into an equally complex situation with another one.

Already I'm feeling dread about going into work, catching myself walking on eggshells around him, my anxiety over doing or saying the wrong thing has left me ill and performing badly at work because I'm so distracted and upset. I've been making more "mistakes" (or at least classifying them as mistakes instead of innocent learning experiences in a new position) in spite of second guessing everything I do and say.


The important people in my life have heard all this before, and they immediately advised that I just leave the job, that it isn't worth it for me, that maybe other people could deal with this new boss, but I am different. I have years of struggle and codependency behind me and I'm just starting to wake from that flawed mentality. I'm not ready yet to put myself into yet another relationship with a probable narcissistic bully. I may not ever be, and yet I feel so torn.

I'm struggling with two things. One, should I quit the job now and try to find something else?

The job is pretty unique, has the possibility to really blossom into a great income in the future, and maybe even bring me into some real financial security for once. The company is very small, a start-up of sorts, with only 15 people involved, 5 people who I work with day to day. Part of the problem is that I am carrying a ton of responsibility already, so it is natural I will make mistakes as I learn. But over minor things, my boss has accused me of having a bad attitude, showing defensive body language, and the other day came close to insinuating that I was stealing from him. I really took a hard look at my actions and statements, and couldn't justify his assessments at all. I am certainly not a thief!

While my area doesn't have many jobs, I do live in a tourist town, and I'm sure I could find something else that would be decent, even if it doesn't have any of the possibilities for advancement, creativity, and monetary gain. And I think I could handle quitting and finding something else. But I would feel like a coward, a failure who can't hack a boss who is pushing me. May even inadvertently make him and his company look bad because I left a great job for a crummy one.

The second thing I'm struggling with is that I am clearly not ahead of any of my codependent coping mechanisms. I have caught myself cowering, falling into old anxious patterns. Maybe I am just not a good employee for him due to my history. Someone else without imbedded patterns of victimization (which I am working to overcome) may be a better fit at his company, may be more equipped to handle someone like him. Am I attracting these sort of people? Maybe I am not improving at all. Still unable to screen psychopathy in new acquaintances, and then unable to assert myself in a healthy way.

I've been feeling so much self doubt in the last couple weeks, as well as depression, anxiety, ruminating excessively. This job was supposed to be cool, and fun, and creative, and so quickly I've started feeling like I did when I was deep in abused codependent land with my ex. Maybe I'm not ready to "move on" from engaging with these sort of people. Maybe on some level I am searching out people who are going to nitpick, harass, belittle, and make me feel small in their abuse. I guess I have lots of self work still to do before I can have another relationship of any kind with someone who falls into the BPD/Narcissist/abuser category.

Thanks for reading. Any advice or support is welcome. Feeling so unsure of how to act.

[Pseudoubermench]

I went NC with my ex for the last time about a month and a half ago. Same time I was starting a new job. A few red flags went up when I was applying for the job, but seeing that I was in the process of extricating from my ex (dramatically), and it really seemed to be a great job for me, I didn't pay much mind to the red flags at the time.

Now, 6 weeks into the job, I'm realizing that my new boss is very possibly a Narcissistic abuser on some sub-clinical level. Several situations and things said have pointed to this, and I'm so torn about whether to quit or stay and try to figure it out. Isn't that just the story of my life? I finally take action to eject an abusive person from my life only to walk right into an equally complex situation with another one.

Already I'm feeling dread about going into work, catching myself walking on eggshells around him, my anxiety over doing or saying the wrong thing has left me ill and performing badly at work because I'm so distracted and upset. I've been making more "mistakes" (or at least classifying them as mistakes instead of innocent learning experiences in a new position) in spite of second guessing everything I do and say.


The important people in my life have heard all this before, and they immediately advised that I just leave the job, that it isn't worth it for me, that maybe other people could deal with this new boss, but I am different. I have years of struggle and codependency behind me and I'm just starting to wake from that flawed mentality. I'm not ready yet to put myself into yet another relationship with a probable narcissistic bully. I may not ever be, and yet I feel so torn.

I'm struggling with two things. One, should I quit the job now and try to find something else?

The job is pretty unique, has the possibility to really blossom into a great income in the future, and maybe even bring me into some real financial security for once. The company is very small, a start-up of sorts, with only 15 people involved, 5 people who I work with day to day. Part of the problem is that I am carrying a ton of responsibility already, so it is natural I will make mistakes as I learn. But over minor things, my boss has accused me of having a bad attitude, showing defensive body language, and the other day came close to insinuating that I was stealing from him. I really took a hard look at my actions and statements, and couldn't justify his assessments at all. I am certainly not a thief!

While my area doesn't have many jobs, I do live in a tourist town, and I'm sure I could find something else that would be decent, even if it doesn't have any of the possibilities for advancement, creativity, and monetary gain. And I think I could handle quitting and finding something else. But I would feel like a coward, a failure who can't hack a boss who is pushing me. May even inadvertently make him and his company look bad because I left a great job for a crummy one.

The second thing I'm struggling with is that I am clearly not ahead of any of my codependent coping mechanisms. I have caught myself cowering, falling into old anxious patterns. Maybe I am just not a good employee for him due to my history. Someone else without imbedded patterns of victimization (which I am working to overcome) may be a better fit at his company, may be more equipped to handle someone like him. Am I attracting these sort of people? Maybe I am not improving at all. Still unable to screen psychopathy in new acquaintances, and then unable to assert myself in a healthy way.

I've been feeling so much self doubt in the last couple weeks, as well as depression, anxiety, ruminating excessively. This job was supposed to be cool, and fun, and creative, and so quickly I've started feeling like I did when I was deep in abused codependent land with my ex. Maybe I'm not ready to "move on" from engaging with these sort of people. Maybe on some level I am searching out people who are going to nitpick, harass, belittle, and make me feel small in their abuse. I guess I have lots of self work still to do before I can have another relationship of any kind with someone who falls into the BPD/Narcissist/abuser category.

Thanks for reading. Any advice or support is welcome. Feeling so unsure of how to act.

[Narellan]

Quit the job. You are starting a new life. You don't want any aspect of the old life bringing you down 

[Pseudoubermench]

Thanks, Narellan. For reading, and for your concise reply.

I think I knew the answer to my own question, but so very much appreciate a place where it can be heard first before I act.

After much thought, I'm pretty well decided to quit the job. I still do feel a bit like a coward and a failure, and am dreading the moment when I actually quit because I have a feeling my boss is going to be livid and nasty, but I believe that it will probably be best for me in the long run. Yes, could magically turn into an awesome job, but as my father advised "You don't need to work for a bleeping beep-hole". I think the bad would outweigh the good over time, so I'm gonna cut my losses, and protect myself.

Still in NC with ex although I slipped up 3 weeks ago when he sent an email, and I opened it. Thankfully, it was a one liner, and the raging had subsided, and he seemed to be pulling his pieces back together. Said something along the lines of "So glad I learned what a conniving and evil person you were before I invested any more in you." Whew. Dumb of me to open it, but I have been worried that he was totally breaking down (threatened suicide for 30 plus hours after I withdrew, I had to call the police on him).

But apart from that front, I applied for a job today. Hope to get it because not having work would be very unhealthy for me too. I'm in a situation where I can quit this job, and my housing, food, car etc won't be yanked away too. I am very lucky. Just gotta keep making good choices.

Thanks again for the clear response, Narellan. I don't need to keep manifesting these old patterns unless I choose to.

[Narellan]

Well done to you. You are awesome and have amazing strength of character to observe red flags and act on them. Congratulations on NC it's a difficult thing. Onwards and up for you girl from here on. I wish you all the best xx

[woodsposse]

 

Very interesting post.

I think you are looking at the ex and work situation as healthy as possible.  I'm not so sure it is that you attract these types of people, but I think at the very least when we go through r/s with pwPD, we become more sensitive to it.

I have certainly been in situations, be it work or with friends, etc, where I was like "awww man, here we go!"  Maybe those folks were the same, maybe they were not.  maybe I was just reading more into it or, like I said, I was a little sensitive to it and it just shaped up like that.

All I do know is, whatever we have to do to be mindful of what is going on with us is what we have to do.  And if we are in a situation which is taking us away from wellness... . and... . we can change or  remove ourself from it - then I say change or remove ourself from it.

I'm positive things will work out for you.

As for the ex... . I know for me, I had to get to a point where I stopped asking why and just let it go.  That r/s was so messed up no matter what I did it always turned out to be my fault even when I didn't do anything wrong.  That can mess with your self esteem so badly.  It took me YEARS to get to this point where I can  be alright with knowing where my issues stopped and hers began.  So kudos on NC. I'm sure you got this.

[Mutt]

Now, 6 weeks into the job, I'm realizing that my new boss is very possibly a Narcissistic abuser on some sub-clinical level. Several situations and things said have pointed to this, and I'm so torn about whether to quit or stay and try to figure it out. Isn't that just the story of my life? I finally take action to eject an abusive person from my life only to walk right into an equally complex situation with another one.

I'm not so sure it is that you attract these types of people, but I think at the very least when we go through r/s with pwPD, we become more sensitive to it.

I think we become more sensitive and recognize unhealthy symptoms in other people and social settings if we spend the time to learn about BPD, and what transpired in our relationships.

I spend a lot of time at work, I deal with an undiagnosed BPD outside of work, granted it's not 24/7 anymore. I choose to have healthy people in my inner circle, if it were me, life is too short with this type of toxicity, I would quit.

[Pseudoubermench]

Thanks, Narallan! So nice to hear some positive feedback on such a gut wrenching decision. Other folks in my life have expressed nervousness about the whole "but you won't have a job then" issue, despite agreeing that it would be healthier for me to quit. I really appreciate your comments because you've said what my very best self has been quietly whispering in my ear since I decided. Just gotta work on turning her volume up, I guess. Until then, I will keep my eyes very open... .  

Woodsposse- Thanks for your comments. You sure are right about the sensitivity issue, at least for me. I have a tendency to pathologize already, but whenever I start having "aha" moments, flashes of insight about people, I usually integrate that knowledge immediately.

I suppose that my statement of "am I attracting these sorts of people" is in part due to my life philosophy that what we resist, persists. I'm still resistant to the possibility of losing myself to someone who is arrogant, unpredictable, and disrespectful, even if they don't have a diagnosed disorder. I am resistant to laying down on my belly again (for what seems the thousandth time), and being someone else's muddy boot mat. So, my thought process was maybe the universe is handing me more opportunities to assert myself, to actively protect myself, to prove to myself that I am worthwhile of fair and reasonable treatment.

Until I am free, truly unbound from my life long bad relationship patterns, I think the universe will keep sending that stuff my way.   And I am very frustrated with that! I want my epic breakup from my exBP to count for some well deserved space and time and a bit of an emotional down period already! But, from what I can tell, when we start making serious progress on ourselves, things actually begin to accelerate. We do become more sensitive to seeing red flags, but also, because our self esteem for ourselves begins to grow, we become less tolerant of getting jerked around.

All I do know is, whatever we have to do to be mindful of what is going on with us is what we have to do.  And if we are in a situation which is taking us away from wellness... . and... . we can change or  remove ourself from it - then I say change or remove ourself from it.

This is so very important to remember. A job is more than just money. I so quickly identify my own value as being tied up in my work, in a job, and that just isn't healthy for me. I want to embody wellbeing, and I have every right to act on my desire to find it.

Thanks again for your comments, woods posse. Really got me thinking.  Back 'atcha!

Mutt-

Thanks for responding to this thread! I really appreciate your comment that we need to choose (paraphrasing here) how much toxicity we allow into our lives. There are many stressors in life, unrelated to BPD/Narc/? crazy-ness, and they count up too in the grande tally of "How much can I really handle right now?" What I need to feel healthy can't be compared to what other's might need. We all have our own tally of what we can deal with, and how large is the load currently.

Right now, I'm coming out of a lifelong depression (quite seriously), recovering from chronic Lyme, and feeling very strange in the world. I finally found something that is really working for me, and it is so curious to have energy, to want for things, to feel hopeful for the first time. Some part of me has been like "tear it up, girl!", pushing me to make up for lost time, and be free and bright and healthy for once. Which is in part why I took the job in the first place. I wasn't sure I was able yet to keep up with the demands there, but took a chance.

And, it didn't really work out.

In truth, the unhinged boss is 2/3 of the issue, the other is that I know I need to be very careful in maintaining my mental and physical health as well because my brain is primed for melancholy, and my body is still struggling to overcome nerve damage from the spirochetes. Maybe this is TMI.

Anyhow.

Mutt, thanks so much for your addition to this thread. I was so pleased to see you'd added your thoughts. They are most welcome.

[HighwaytoHell]

Like Narellan said, "Quit the Job"... . you're most likely right... . you've attracted the same abusive situation into your life because you're still in the healing process and some of that residue is vibrating subconsciously from you. I had the exact situation... . when my ex and I broke it off for the last time(dramatically indeed) She started seeing her boss who worked in an office right in front of mine... . talk about cruel... . I was sifting through other abusive situations in my life, thanks to the advice from my T... . actually my T helped me identify the other situations in my life that replicated my relationship with my ex! Anyways, after about 6 months of hell(my ex giving me the cold shoulder and me discovering her affair with her boss and me having to bump into him every day and keep my mouth shut so as to keep my dignity which she wanted to destroy and I didn't allow her! I realized also during this time of shattering that my entire career was set up as a template to mirror the abuse that I suffered as a child... . both my superiors were directing passive aggression at me... and highlighting simple learning moments as full blown "mistakes"... . I realized they were narcissistic abusers and were trying with all their power to get me fired... . whew! Imagine going through that! I can only laugh about it looking back now... but freakin A... . Wow! What a hell I soldiered through! No doubt my ex told her boss some lies about me because I'm sure she didn't mention we were together! She was married as was I... . ugh... . anyways... . he was a high level executive who rubbed elbows with my boss... . Ugghhhh the Hell I went through! I know I'm rambling... . I said all that to say that after our breakup, me discovering that my job was an abusive template of my relationship with my ex and specifically of my FOO issues, I left to start my own company and pursue my dream... . a year later... . I cannot believe how happier I am ejecting EVERY ounce of toxicity from my life! I've met new people who are healthy and happy about life! Wow! What a difference! And for her? I know that every time she sees me(I've driven past her a few times and no doubt she's seen me)... . I know it gives her Hell! She's stuck in the same 9-5 broken record while I'm pursuing my dream as a business owner and on the verge of launching what will be a multi million dollar company providing huge value to our customers! She always knew I would go out and strike it big... . which is why she worked so hard to get me to marry her and take care of her... . That's gotta sting a bit for her! Best Revenge! Focusing on Me, Me, Me! Sorry for the rambling again! Just venting! Again, from the other side of this learning experience... I say, Quit the job! You're worth wayyyyy more than that isn! Attract something healthier and more in tune with your higher self! Good luck!