Coming To Terms

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all,

As I've gone through many stages during the course of this break-up, I've also gone through a lot of soul searching.  Pardon my rambling, but I gotta get it all out... .

I most certainly recognize that the only reason that I ever involved myself in such an unhealthy relationship is that I, myself, am unhealthy.  In all the mental wanderings of the idea that he and I were "meant to be," the biggest that stands out for me right now is that we really were meant to be.  Not in that Fairy Tale romance sense, but in that "he was sent to you in order to break you apart and make you realize these things about yourself" way.  The relationship was NEVER healthy.  Ever.  And even when I'd realized this during, I continued to try to hold on and make it work.  It was my unhealthyness that lead me to pursue him so adamantly, even after he'd already proven not to be such a great catch for me.  It was my own self-harming psyche that allowed him to stomp all over me and drop any and all boundaries in regard to my own self-respect and worth.  It's very simple to point out everything he did wrong, but I did even greater wrong by allowing and pursuing it for so long.  Just as much as his love may have been based on need, so was mine.  We were a match made in heaven, mutually filling our individual voids with one another; each void complimentary to the other's.  I never lied to myself about my desire to heal his wounds or love him to wellness.  I knew he was in a bad way when I met him, and it touched something inside me that ignited my own illness.  It's as though I wanted him so bad because he was so broken... how ___ed up is that?  I also knew that the whole idea of loving another person well is ridiculous and impossible.  Yet, I stayed.  He warned me many times to stay away, that he is no good, that he is not ready, that he is not the man that I deserve, that he is a monster.  But I pushed for us to be together anyway.  I didn't even trust him and I was constantly on guard, but I needed to see the relationship through for some reason.  He didn't have any friends of his own, he didn't trust anyone, and yet I felt somehow that he'd trust me.  I needed to hold on to... . well, vapors.  Everything about the relationship had too much to do with me chasing an illusion of a relationship that I'd created in my own head.  It was never based on mutual respect, love and support of one another.  It was built on something else entirely.  Something unhealthy and incapable of becoming well.  Some part of me had attached a lot of pride to my relationship with this man.  I "won" him from another and I had to prove to everyone that what I had fought so hard for, what I had worked so hard for was, in fact, worth it.  I had to prove to everyone that even though he'd hurt me before, he wasn't going to do it again.  "See?  He really does love me.  And we are so happy.  See?  I told you."  I never actually verbalized these words, but I did have some thoughts along these lines.  I needed everyone in my life to see that I had made the "right" decision, so I created this illusion of such great happiness that was never there.  I forced it.  Yes, there were moments of really good, really strong bond and enjoyment with one another.  And he and I truly do get along very well and have a damn good connection.  We share a sense of humor and comfort with one another that is uncommon for me to find in another person.  We have a great deal of fun with one another.  We are, and can be, insanely great together, as friends... . maybe more if the work gets done, but that is not something to be considered right now.  He isn't a monster, nor is he a terribly horrible person.  He is in a LOT of very deep, personal pain.  He is a very fragile soul in need of some deep, core repair.  But so am I.  I would have never attached myself to this person if I'd been okay enough within myself to just not go there.  I needed something from him, just as much as he needed something from me.  Neither one of us will ever be able to get what we both need from someone else, but only from our selves.  Both of us need healing and recovery from our respective internal pain.  And neither one of us will ever truly be happy or content with anyone else until we get this healing and help for our individual selves.  I am no better (or worse) than him. We are one and the same, he and I.  If I sat here and played victim, which I have done plenty of in my life and recently surrounding the end of this relationship, I'd be no different than him with the blaming and lack of accountability.  Perhaps I suffer a bit of the Borderline of my own... .

The most difficult thing to come to terms with is that I'd painted such a great picture of my parents and how they'd loved me and raised me and that I've "turned out so great!"  When, in fact, I haven't turned out incredibly great at all.  This is not a 'woe is me' statement, it is a statement of examination of my own maladjustment.  I don't point a finger at my parents, but everything really seemed to have been provided for me.  I thought I was raised right.  I don't say that anything was given or not given to me with any intention to make me as I am today, but I most definitely see now, how my mom really isn't much different than I am at all.  Distant, unemotional, generally unaffectionate, socially awkward and antisocial, disconnected, withholding, and quiet.  These are all traits that I carry with me.  Traits that I carried into an unhealthy relationship with another unhealthy individual.  Traits that greatly affected my ability to get away from said relationship.  Traits that pushed my own attachment to that unhealthy situation. That's not to say that my mother isn't a beautiful, wonderful, giving and caring human being.  But it's tough to swallow the fact that this beautiful, wonderful, giving and caring human being may have withheld something from me early on in my life so that I seek what I need from someone else instead of looking within.  I don't blame or accuse.  It's just observation and acceptance.  Acceptance that I've needed for a long time.  Acceptance that will lead me down my own path of recovery and self-health.

Some day, sooner rather than later, I hope to be well enough to try a love relationship again.  I say sooner, because I panic at the thought that I haven't had any children yet, and I would really, really love to become a mother.  My thoughts of motherhood, at this very moment, still lie with him, but that remains to be seen or realized.  I just want to get well.

[maternal]

Hello all,

As I've gone through many stages during the course of this break-up, I've also gone through a lot of soul searching.  Pardon my rambling, but I gotta get it all out... .

I most certainly recognize that the only reason that I ever involved myself in such an unhealthy relationship is that I, myself, am unhealthy.  In all the mental wanderings of the idea that he and I were "meant to be," the biggest that stands out for me right now is that we really were meant to be.  Not in that Fairy Tale romance sense, but in that "he was sent to you in order to break you apart and make you realize these things about yourself" way.  The relationship was NEVER healthy.  Ever.  And even when I'd realized this during, I continued to try to hold on and make it work.  It was my unhealthyness that lead me to pursue him so adamantly, even after he'd already proven not to be such a great catch for me.  It was my own self-harming psyche that allowed him to stomp all over me and drop any and all boundaries in regard to my own self-respect and worth.  It's very simple to point out everything he did wrong, but I did even greater wrong by allowing and pursuing it for so long.  Just as much as his love may have been based on need, so was mine.  We were a match made in heaven, mutually filling our individual voids with one another; each void complimentary to the other's.  I never lied to myself about my desire to heal his wounds or love him to wellness.  I knew he was in a bad way when I met him, and it touched something inside me that ignited my own illness.  It's as though I wanted him so bad because he was so broken... how ___ed up is that?  I also knew that the whole idea of loving another person well is ridiculous and impossible.  Yet, I stayed.  He warned me many times to stay away, that he is no good, that he is not ready, that he is not the man that I deserve, that he is a monster.  But I pushed for us to be together anyway.  I didn't even trust him and I was constantly on guard, but I needed to see the relationship through for some reason.  He didn't have any friends of his own, he didn't trust anyone, and yet I felt somehow that he'd trust me.  I needed to hold on to... . well, vapors.  Everything about the relationship had too much to do with me chasing an illusion of a relationship that I'd created in my own head.  It was never based on mutual respect, love and support of one another.  It was built on something else entirely.  Something unhealthy and incapable of becoming well.  Some part of me had attached a lot of pride to my relationship with this man.  I "won" him from another and I had to prove to everyone that what I had fought so hard for, what I had worked so hard for was, in fact, worth it.  I had to prove to everyone that even though he'd hurt me before, he wasn't going to do it again.  "See?  He really does love me.  And we are so happy.  See?  I told you."  I never actually verbalized these words, but I did have some thoughts along these lines.  I needed everyone in my life to see that I had made the "right" decision, so I created this illusion of such great happiness that was never there.  I forced it.  Yes, there were moments of really good, really strong bond and enjoyment with one another.  And he and I truly do get along very well and have a damn good connection.  We share a sense of humor and comfort with one another that is uncommon for me to find in another person.  We have a great deal of fun with one another.  We are, and can be, insanely great together, as friends... . maybe more if the work gets done, but that is not something to be considered right now.  He isn't a monster, nor is he a terribly horrible person.  He is in a LOT of very deep, personal pain.  He is a very fragile soul in need of some deep, core repair.  But so am I.  I would have never attached myself to this person if I'd been okay enough within myself to just not go there.  I needed something from him, just as much as he needed something from me.  Neither one of us will ever be able to get what we both need from someone else, but only from our selves.  Both of us need healing and recovery from our respective internal pain.  And neither one of us will ever truly be happy or content with anyone else until we get this healing and help for our individual selves.  I am no better (or worse) than him. We are one and the same, he and I.  If I sat here and played victim, which I have done plenty of in my life and recently surrounding the end of this relationship, I'd be no different than him with the blaming and lack of accountability.  Perhaps I suffer a bit of the Borderline of my own... .

The most difficult thing to come to terms with is that I'd painted such a great picture of my parents and how they'd loved me and raised me and that I've "turned out so great!"  When, in fact, I haven't turned out incredibly great at all.  This is not a 'woe is me' statement, it is a statement of examination of my own maladjustment.  I don't point a finger at my parents, but everything really seemed to have been provided for me.  I thought I was raised right.  I don't say that anything was given or not given to me with any intention to make me as I am today, but I most definitely see now, how my mom really isn't much different than I am at all.  Distant, unemotional, generally unaffectionate, socially awkward and antisocial, disconnected, withholding, and quiet.  These are all traits that I carry with me.  Traits that I carried into an unhealthy relationship with another unhealthy individual.  Traits that greatly affected my ability to get away from said relationship.  Traits that pushed my own attachment to that unhealthy situation. That's not to say that my mother isn't a beautiful, wonderful, giving and caring human being.  But it's tough to swallow the fact that this beautiful, wonderful, giving and caring human being may have withheld something from me early on in my life so that I seek what I need from someone else instead of looking within.  I don't blame or accuse.  It's just observation and acceptance.  Acceptance that I've needed for a long time.  Acceptance that will lead me down my own path of recovery and self-health.

Some day, sooner rather than later, I hope to be well enough to try a love relationship again.  I say sooner, because I panic at the thought that I haven't had any children yet, and I would really, really love to become a mother.  My thoughts of motherhood, at this very moment, still lie with him, but that remains to be seen or realized.  I just want to get well.

[LettingGo14]

Thank you for posting so honestly maternal.   It helps us all to engage with each other.   Just wanted to offer some thoughts below.

I most certainly recognize that the only reason that I ever involved myself in such an unhealthy relationship is that I, myself, am unhealthy. 

One thing I've learned on this journey is that labeling "healthy/unhealthy" can present challenges because "unhealthy" has so many negative connotations.    As one of the most senior members in this community likes to say, "Good mental health is hard work" (credit Skip).   None of us are all good or all bad.   

I say this if only to give you perspective that we can be kind to ourselves.   We can identify areas to work on, and not feel "broken."

It was my unhealthiness that lead me to pursue him so adamantly, even after he'd already proven not to be such a great catch for me.  It was my own self-harming psyche that allowed him to stomp all over me and drop any and all boundaries in regard to my own self-respect and worth.  It's very simple to point out everything he did wrong, but I did even greater wrong by allowing and pursuing it for so long.  Just as much as his love may have been based on need, so was mine.  We were a match made in heaven, mutually filling our individual voids with one another; each void complimentary to the other's.  I never lied to myself about my desire to heal his wounds or love him to wellness. 

So this is a starting point, right?  You have identified an area for reflection, inquiry, and processing. 

I was very similar.  I wanted outside "validation" of me.  Period.  It hurt to admit it.  It hurt even more when I was rejected and abandoned.

But -- in that pain -- I have found myself.   I say this explicitly to tell you that -- no matter how much it hurts right now -- it's a fantastic starting point for the rest of our lives.

Yes, there were moments of really good, really strong bond and enjoyment with one another.  And he and I truly do get along very well and have a damn good connection.  We share a sense of humor and comfort with one another that is uncommon for me to find in another person.  We have a great deal of fun with one another. 

In my journey, I've found it helpful to realize that the love still exists inside me.  It's part of my DNA.   I have chosen recently to accept it rather than repress it.  It does not me I need to express it to my ex-girlfriend, but "holding" it inside of me helps me realize that it came from me, and I can experience it's fullness inside of me.

 

The most difficult thing to come to terms with is that I'd painted such a great picture of my parents and how they'd loved me and raised me and that I've "turned out so great!"  When, in fact, I haven't turned out incredibly great at all.  This is not a 'woe is me' statement, it is a statement of examination of my own maladjustment. 

I'm going to give you credit that I hope you can give yourself too.  You've written a wonderfully articulate message here -- you are self-aware.   That, my friend, is an enormous gift.   We can all re-frame, re-label, and dive into self-inquiry.  The balance required is self-compassion.   We need self-compassion first, in order to reduce the volume of negative self-talk, in order to give ourselves constructive criticism.

I don't point a finger at my parents, but everything really seemed to have been provided for me.  I thought I was raised right.  I don't say that anything was given or not given to me with any intention to make me as I am today, but I most definitely see now, how my mom really isn't much different than I am at all.  Distant, unemotional, generally unaffectionate, socially awkward and antisocial, disconnected, withholding, and quiet.  These are all traits that I carry with me.  Traits that I carried into an unhealthy relationship with another unhealthy individual.  Traits that greatly affected my ability to get away from said relationship.  Traits that pushed my own attachment to that unhealthy situation. That's not to say that my mother isn't a beautiful, wonderful, giving and caring human being.  But it's tough to swallow the fact that this beautiful, wonderful, giving and caring human being may have withheld something from me early on in my life so that I seek what I need from someone else instead of looking within.  I don't blame or accuse.  It's just observation and acceptance.  Acceptance that I've needed for a long time.  Acceptance that will lead me down my own path of recovery and self-health.

Some day, sooner rather than later, I hope to be well enough to try a love relationship again.  I say sooner, because I panic at the thought that I haven't had any children yet, and I would really, really love to become a mother.  My thoughts of motherhood, at this very moment, still lie with him, but that remains to be seen or realized.  I just want to get well.

Maternal, you've just taken the first steps with an honest and searingly beautiful self-reflection.   You have found a great community to share with.

Welcome, my friend.  We're here for you.

[maternal]

Thank you LettingGo14.

Somehow, it just feels so wrong to me sit here and point the finger at him and say "you've hurt me so bad, you're terrible."  I played just as big of a part in my pain as he has.

I can't make him get help.  I can't make him seek his own wellness.  I can only account for my own. 

[LettingGo14]

I can only account for my own. 

And, you are doing just that, maternal, with amazing self-awareness.   Just don't put yourself on trial, or convict yourself of crimes.

When we start with loving kindness towards ourselves, doors begin to open.   It took me a long time to realize that.

[maternal]

Mistakes are part of being human.  Mistakes are an amazing way / place to learn.  And I'm learning very much.  I don't think that I am a terrible person for my mistakes.

I am working on my own self compassion.  I am still in denial about the fact that I lack self-worth.  I know it to be true, I can rationalize the fact, but I've never felt as though I lack in that department.  I've had me all wrong... .

I have to change my inner monologue.  It will take a minute... .

[LettingGo14]

Mistakes are part of being human.  Mistakes are an amazing way / place to learn.  And I'm learning very much.  I don't think that I am a terrible person for my mistakes.

I am working on my own self compassion.  I am still in denial about the fact that I lack self-worth.  I know it to be true, I can rationalize the fact, but I've never felt as though I lack in that department.  I've had me all wrong... .

I have to change my inner monologue.  It will take a minute... .

I am grateful for your post.  It helps us all.

Keep posting as the inner voice changes and challenges!

[cosmonaut]

This is an incredibly insightful and self-aware post, maternal.  You are well on your way to healing, and you should be congratulated for how much reflection you have done on yourself and your relationship.  You've done some deep soul searching.   

If I could give you one bit of advice it is to be gentle with yourself.  You have been through a very difficult, even traumatic, experience.  I think it is incredible (and very important) that you are making these realizations about yourself, your family, and your relationship with your ex.  Don't be hard on yourself, however, for having loved someone that was simply not capable of returning that love.  You gave everything you had to the relationship and you truly tried to love someone who is tragically broken in a fundamental way.  There is no shame in that, and in my view it's not something that you need to feel badly about.

Self-reflection is important, however, in helping us to heal and to choose future relationships that are more life-affirming for us.  You have made some very enlightened realizations about your family and your childhood.  A great many of us here are codependent, fix-it types of people.  We deeply want to help others and we can throw ourselves into that role with reckless abandon.  Chances are the stage for that was set long ago in your childhood.  That is certainly the case for me.  I grew up with an emotionally distant father and a mother that had some strong narcissistic traits.  As a result, I often felt rather invisible growing up.  My mother would also at times fall into crippling depressions where she would take to bed and lock herself away from the world.  These were very confusing and troubling times for me as a child and I am now convinced that they are what planted the seed of my codependency and my need to "fix" things.  More than anything I wanted to fix my ex.  I wanted to save her.  I knew that she had very serious problems from the start, but in a strange way that only increased my attraction to her.  I now know that what I have been attempting to fix over and over again in my life is the core trauma caused by my parents' absence.  I share this with you, because it seems that you also badly wanted to save your ex, and I think if you continue to dig you will find that the reason began in your early childhood.

Thank you for sharing all of this with us, maternal.  These sorts of dialog are helpful not only to ourselves, but to everyone here.  Keep posting.   

[maternal]

I am very depressed, for quite some time, actually.  I am a very laid back and relaxed individual, and I am relaxed with myself as well.  I'm not beating myself up.  I'm not being hard on myself.  I'm also not ignoring my emotions or thoughts in regard to any of this.  When I'm angry, I own it, feel and work through it.  When I'm said, I own it, cry it out, and work through it.  I am unable to afford therapy right now, so that will have to wait a minute.  I have to work through this on my own - and here- for the time being.

I know that I can't fix, save or even persuade my ex to get himself healed.  Every time he left me, it was the same:  "I need to be alone to work on myself." But he never did. I'm not convinced that he ever will.  Based on having met, interacted with and heard the stories about his mother - both from him, his sister and her sister (his aunt) - I can get a sense of where his disorder stems from.  The ethnic cleansing and war that took place in the country he was born in during his adolescence didn't help, either.  The subsequent abandonment by his parents during that war leave a lot of room for assumption as to the origin of his darkness.  Perhaps it is because of this that I really, strongly, truly hope for his wellness some day.  Like many others, he refuses any sort of treatment and would rather ignore the diagnosis than do anything about it.  As part of my research on the disorder after he'd confessed his diagnosis to me, I found a book: Rachel Reiland's Get Me Out Of Here: My Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder.  I bought this book for him, and he accepted it and read most of it.  He was scared outta his mind about how similar the author's experience was to his own.  It frightened the hell out of him, but he did read it, and recognizes that he can get well.  He said he "couldn't" finish, though, because it scared him too much.  That was really the only time I saw him accept his diagnosis and "try" to do anything about it.  After that, it all just got swept under the rug.  I can't do it for him, I can't be a part of, nor can I help him start his own recovery, but I hope for it every day.  I cheer for his wellness very loudly.

As for me, well, I have to start working through the fact that my mom was not especially available to me when I was young.  She loves and cares for me a lot, but there was barely any affection or sharing during my youngest days.  She's always been there for me and helped me when I've needed it, but she's also very emotionally detached and, frankly, a bit awkward.  I've always felt that my childhood was rather safe, quiet and boring, and it was. There wasn't drama or neglect in the sense that no one was there, but it was more about a lack of hugs and kisses and warmth and fun.  I don't recall my mother ever having played with me, with us.  She was great in the fact that because she stayed at home with my brother and I, she also took care of a great many other kids from the neighborhood.  They were all boys, and I was the only girl.  It's lovely of my mom to have done that for these kids and for their parents, but it's quite possible that I may have just got lost in the shuffle.  I don't think there was ever anything sinister behind her distance or general lack of affection.  I think it's just a part of her personality and likely how she was raised. My father worked to support us, but he was not absent, nor did he hold back the affection and care.  He was always the one to ask how everyone's day was, what'd we learn at school, etc... . those simple things that can be so easily taken for granted.  I recognized my lack of doing this very thing, something that my ex was quite good at, but I never was good about asking how his day went or being very curious about him in general.  And not just him, with anyone.  I learned this behavior from my mom.  I learned her emotional distance and as well.  She is a great woman and cares for me very much, but there was just something missing. 

I don't recall any traumas or events that pushed me into my shell - that doesn't mean they aren't there, though.

I have much more work to do, but I am content to make this headway into the core of me as slow as I gotta.

[maternal]

As I laid out the details of the history of my relationship with this man to my mom last night.  I was struck by just how bad it really was.  I finally recognized that I've been depressed for almost the entirety of that relationship, and the relationship itself was the cause.  Not him, he wasn't the cause, but the relationship between us.  It was built on very faulty ground, and it never got better. put myself in a very bad situation, and I was so taken with him, and I wanted the good times to continue.  I allowed so much badness, it just amazes me.  It is the allowance of said badness is what put me into a pretty nice depression.  I realized that I've been depressed almost the entirety of the relationship.  Because of that depression, I didn't do anything.  I thought that doing for him, helping him would make me happy, but it didn't.  And he's not all bad.  He's not a terrible person or evil or some scary monster.  He did many good things for me.  He helped me.  He pushed me... . but because I was so depressed, I didn't push him back.  I just gave in.  I gave up.  I became someone who I am not.  I became a weaker, less headstrong version of myself.  I was depressed because I knew it was all wrong.  I knew that it wasn't healthy, but I wanted to stay anyway... . for some completely unhealthy reasons.  So much pride.  Too much ego.  And the push/pull and emotional pummeling that I sat there and took, didn't help the depression one bit.

I have lived for the last few years without putting my heart into anything.  Including my career.  I've been living in a state of 'too much head, not enough heart' for so long, that now I have to figure out how to get my heart back into my life.  I lost my passion.  I gave up on myself and my dreams.

So, as I work through this, I can't point my finger at him or his disorder.  I've got my own bootstraps to pull up.  I need to become un-depressed and come out from under the rock I've crawled under.

[Mutt]

As I laid out the details of the history of my relationship with this man to my mom last night.  I was struck by just how bad it really was.

It's difficult to see things for what they are when we're in the FOG. You can see the forest for the trees now.

It was built on very faulty ground, and it never got better. put myself in a very bad situation, and I was so taken with him, and I wanted the good times to continue.

We tend to ignore the '. The beginning of these r/s's are intoxicating with being put on a pedestal. We can do no wrong. I kept looking in the rear view mirror and pining, hoping, wishing that that person that I had met would come back. Don't be hard on yourself maternal

I became a weaker, less headstrong version of myself.  I was depressed because I knew it was all wrong.

BPD FOG wears our self esteem down, we become depressed, anxious and feel helpless. Often our support network can't reciprocate what we are going through, because behaviors and acting out is behind closed doors. You felt emotionally exausted from this person, they treat people like emotional vessels to dispel their negative feelings, attributes, actions and emotions on. I'm so sorry  It's tough having gone through that.

So, as I work through this, I can't point my finger at him or his disorder.  I've got my own bootstraps to pull up.  I need to become un-depressed and come out from under the rock I've crawled under.

Article 12: Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

Hang in there  

[maternal]

Thank you.

I'm not beating myself up here, but I don't really think that he is / was as bad as I've built him up to be, but I know that I became worse as our relationship progressed.  I stopped doing what I said I would do.  I stopped working for Us.  I became so lost in what was bad, that I forgot about what was good.  Just not good.  And it's not due to him or his disorder.  It was all due to me and me only.  I am not taking on the blame or falling into a place of beating myself up, but it is definitely the truth.  I was very lost.  I got so hung up on the wrong and dug into my depression that I lost focus of the goals and doing what was best for me.  I just completely lost who I was.  Part of that is due to the fact that I was working myself almost to death, but I just wasn't happy in general and it affected every single thing about me and my relationships with everyone.

[Mutt]

And it's not due to him or his disorder.  It was all due to me and me only.  I am not taking on the blame or falling into a place of beating myself up, but it is definitely the truth.  I was very lost.  I got so hung up on the wrong and dug into my depression that I lost focus of the goals and doing what was best for me.  I just completely lost who I was.

I didn't know where uBPDw ended and I began. I was enmeshed. I was putting her needs in front of mine and neglecting my own. I felt like I was losing my sense of self.

[maternal]

Thank you Mutt,

It was the same for me. And he said he wanted me to do my own thing, to do what I wanted to do, but I didn't even know what I wanted to do. But that's not His fault, it's mine. If I was strong enough, I'd have known myself better and known what I wanted and how to get it.

I've been mediocre my whole life. I was an athlete my whole life, but I was always just kinda meh at it. I never put my all into anything I've ever done. And that includes myself and my relationships. I have never pushed myself to be a better me. I'm too light on myself. I've never grown or had a goal to push myself toward. I give up on myself so easily.  And this is something that I've got to change within myself. Something that has absolutely nothing to do with my ex or his disorder.

[cosmonaut]

This is the perfect time to become the person you want to be, maternal.  You are free now, and all paths are open to you.  This can absolutely be a period of profound growth and transformation for you.  I think you are well on your way.  You will emerge a new and better you from all this.   

[Mutt]

Hi maternal,

I agree with cosmonaut, he's spot on.  

Let's look at the flip side:

~ You are self aware

~ You are taking ownership of your role in the relationship

~ You are not blaming your BPD ex

~ You have empathy

~ You are taking measures to understand your r/s and improving yourself on bpdfamily

~ You are aware that you were enmeshed and lacked boundaries

Can you identify with this? Correct me if I'm missing something.

I see a lot of positives in you. Be kind to yourself   I think you want to set yourself goals and work towards those goals?

Rome wasn't built in a day. I think your off to a good start  

[maternal]

Thank you cosmonaut and Mutt.

I think you've got it all pretty spot on there, Mutt. 

I can't blame my ex for my shortcomings anymore than he can blame me for his.  I won't trap myself in a state of 'woe is me' over this and I won't stop my life because my heart is broken.  My heart will heal and I will be better off for having gone through this.  He is not the cause of my problems, nor is he harassing me, stalking me or even bothering me at all.  In fact, he's always been quite supportive.  He is not the cause of my pain, I am. And suffering is a choice that I absolutely will not make.  He may try to work his way back into my life and he may not.  I have to stop living in my assumptions and stop creating stories about why I can't do things or make certain things happen.  My assumptions and stories have nothing whatsoever to do with him or his disorder. 

And so I push forward toward my transformation.  I move into possibility and go toward the light at the end of the tunnel, not away from it.

I have a skillset and a certain talent within that skillset to do some really nice damage in an industry that is dominated by men.  I have the formal training, practice and though I lack a bit of knowledge, I know when, where and how to get it.  I have been holding myself back from doing much of anything with the talent that I have out of that everpresent fear of... . something.  The fear stops me from putting in the work that needs to be done.  The work is the only way the dream will ever happen, but I keep stopping myself from doing it.  I keep psyching myself out.  There are goals that I've thought up and even spoken up but have yet to act on.  Now it's time to act.

And also, I need some yoga.

[maternal]

As I am constantly working my way through this, more and more things come to light for me.  About me.

I was always more focused on his scars, pain and "illness" than he was.  I saw him do what he could, but I never gave him credit for, or applauded him for making strides and / or discoveries about himself. He does need work, he knows this, but he is far more self-aware and self-available than I ever acknowledged.  I put more emphasis on his problems than he did.  He stopped focusing on the problem long ago, choosing instead to focus on a solution.  Where I just continued to focus on the problem and though I felt as though I'd offered some solution or assistance with solution, I failed to recognize that my way doesn't work for everyone.  I am very stubborn and bull-headed, and I just pushed my way through, and when he didn't like my idea or knew that my idea wasn't good, he would say so, but that just angered me, and I chose to hold that in.  I don't absolve him of anything, not at all, but I have to acknowledge where I went wrong.  And I went plenty wrong.

[Ihope2]

Reading your posts, Maternal, a lot of it reminds me of me.  In my case, I have finally realised the extent of the childhood emotional neglect my siblings and I went through and the profound effect it has had on us.  My brother has totally cut himself off from our mother and his two sisters (our father is no longer alive) for the past 14 years.  My sister has had a series of failed relationships, is twice divorced and has chosen and endured some pretty dysfunctional (emotionally unavailable and abusive) men as relationship partners.  I have also had a number of dysfunctional love relationships, most notably this last one, a 11 month marriage with a badly psychologically damaged man with BPD.

Childhood emotional neglect is insidious and pervasive.  I don't believe my parents were fundamentally bad people who decided to treat their children the way they did.  I think much like physical abuse and emotional abuse, emotional neglect is an inter-generational cycle that manifests itself over and over again, unless somehow the pattern gets broken.

I think the pattern comes to an end, when self-realisation and great personal awareness sets in.  Sometimes it never does, I see that my mother who is now 70 is repeating her life script over and over again with domineering, narcissistic and emotionally abusive men as life partners.  She has not questioned why she lands up trapped in such dysfunctional relationships.  I don't even think she is aware of how dysfunctional these relationships really are, and why she unconsciously ends up choosing these types of relationships by default.  Because she was also emotionally shunned and neglected as a child, growing up in post-Second World War Germany.

My sister has in recent years woken up to the fact that she has followed certain self-sabotaging patterns in her relationships, and now it is my turn, I have also finally had a Great Awakening in the aftermath of my failed and painful and traumatic 11 month marriage to a man with BPD.

My sister is 47 and I am 45 this year.  And all of this wasted time, all of this maladaptive relationship stuff that we had to endure, because of an insidious, pervasive, unseen phenomenon that happened to us in our formative years, and to our parents too, in their childhood years = CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect)!

[Ihope2]

What I wanted to say, is that with Childhood Emotional Neglect, the scars are "invisible".  I feel that in choosing damaged, dysfunctional partners, I was drawn to their pain.  It was as if their pain, became my pain.  This was especially the case in my most recent failed relationship.  He is so badly psychologically damaged from a childhood of horrific abuse and an adult life of further trauma and a history of self-harming, self-sabotaging behaviour and drug abuse and abusive relationships (where he was being mistreated).  It was as if I was so intensely drawn to this man with a world of pain in his life, so that finally I would be faced with my own pain.  I had to have that mirror held up to me, by someone who had a far higher level of childhood pain and abuse in their life, for me finally to recognise my own pain.