Damn it Contact always sets me back

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I feel like I've been making steady progress the last weeks after breaking up with my ex. Although I have had my dark and uncomfortable moments, I feel like I've been rebuilding myself and taking back my power.

I got a text from her at lunchtime out of the blue. She was asking for a spiritual passage that she had lost somehow. She needs this to read at her father's funeral. Being a decent guy, I responded and told her that I wasn't sure which one she meant and that I hoped she was coping with everything. I immediately got a call from her which I answered. I went against my instinct again (which is something I've done repeatedly with her more than any other person or situation in my entire life). She was neutral and kind of smug. She asked me how I was and without a pause explained what she was looking for. I still didn't have a clue what passage she was referring. I asked her if she was coping alright with all the grief and funeral arrangements etc. She went on for about 10 minutes of how strong she is and how well she is coping. I guess I said about ten words in the convo. It was good to hear that she is ok but her tone was arrogant (for want of a better word). She then stopped dead and said she had to take a call and would call me back immediately after.

As expected, she did not call me back. She sent a text an hour later saying simply "found it". I just blanked that and stopped myself from calling her.

It's was like she was saying... I'm doing just fine without you. see what you lost by walking away from me.

I felt deflated afterwards. It's not that she necessarily did anything sinister. I just felt played and I'm upset with myself for letting her affect me. I felt the loneliness and longing return as well as that common feeling of rejection I got from her towards the end of our relationship. I'm frustrated that I am still enslaved to this relationship and the ___ feelings that come up. I feel like I've stepped back a couple of yards in my healing.

I've been deep in my head on this so just wanted to get it out.

Peace

[Lion Fire]

I feel like I've been making steady progress the last weeks after breaking up with my ex. Although I have had my dark and uncomfortable moments, I feel like I've been rebuilding myself and taking back my power.

I got a text from her at lunchtime out of the blue. She was asking for a spiritual passage that she had lost somehow. She needs this to read at her father's funeral. Being a decent guy, I responded and told her that I wasn't sure which one she meant and that I hoped she was coping with everything. I immediately got a call from her which I answered. I went against my instinct again (which is something I've done repeatedly with her more than any other person or situation in my entire life). She was neutral and kind of smug. She asked me how I was and without a pause explained what she was looking for. I still didn't have a clue what passage she was referring. I asked her if she was coping alright with all the grief and funeral arrangements etc. She went on for about 10 minutes of how strong she is and how well she is coping. I guess I said about ten words in the convo. It was good to hear that she is ok but her tone was arrogant (for want of a better word). She then stopped dead and said she had to take a call and would call me back immediately after.

As expected, she did not call me back. She sent a text an hour later saying simply "found it". I just blanked that and stopped myself from calling her.

It's was like she was saying... I'm doing just fine without you. see what you lost by walking away from me.

I felt deflated afterwards. It's not that she necessarily did anything sinister. I just felt played and I'm upset with myself for letting her affect me. I felt the loneliness and longing return as well as that common feeling of rejection I got from her towards the end of our relationship. I'm frustrated that I am still enslaved to this relationship and the ___ feelings that come up. I feel like I've stepped back a couple of yards in my healing.

I've been deep in my head on this so just wanted to get it out.

Peace

[heartandwhole]

Hi Lion Fire,

I'm sorry that this contact ultimately felt painful for you.  I can relate.  You are a decent, caring guy, and sometimes that means being decent and caring toward yourself first, before anyone else. 

Maybe contact with your ex is not a good thing for your healing right now?  Only you know, but if it isn't working for you, then taking action toward changing that is the most caring thing you can do.  I like to believe that when we do what is truly good for ourselves, it is good for others (her), too. 

[AwakenedOne]

I'm frustrated that I am still enslaved to this relationship and the ___ feelings that come up. I feel like I've stepped back a couple of yards in my healing.

Hey LF,

Is the answer going totally NC now instead for your health and sanity? Nothing left to deal with her important right or is there?  Are you wanting a friendship or break away? If you take a friendship just know she's going to aggravate you in one way or another constantly, even if she is unintentionally doing it. Will you get anything out of a friendship with her? Will it cause you to be happy? Will you enjoy speaking with her? If she talks about her new guy ever, will that bother you?

If you are going to deal with her, I guess my advice is to just be prepared when the phone rings or you see a text come in for "the smell". I don't mean to gross you out, but this example might mean something to you to compare.->

My ex's shoes always had a foul odor (she was bothered if I put baking soda or anything in the shoes, so I could rarely do that. She was insulted plus, she basically said for me to just F - off regarding this. So I was stuck smelling her stinking shoes often. So I knew when I was with her to expect odor from her shoes, it just comes with her.

Maybe this story could help you?   .  If you just know that if you deal with your ex there is going to always be a foul odor that bothers you? (her odor = grief, irritation, jealousy, frustration, hurt, chaos, selfishness etc... . )

So just know she brings the odor with her bro you have to smell it, you can't hold your nose.

Peace,

AO

[Narellan]

So sorry to read that Lionfire. It would seem that she set you up to make contact, and play with your feelings yet again. And probably testing the waters to see if there was still attachment there. Its classic BPD behaviour isnt it? And your gut told you that, but you empathised, and being a decent human being, responded. Like a lamb to the slaughter.

Your setback is understandable, she has effectively roped you in, and disgarded you again. Its crushing. NC regardless of the disguise it comes in , is truly the only way to heal you.

You are doing a great job of moving forward, try not to see this as a setback, but more of another learning curve in your detachment.  Be kind to yourself, you dont deserve this treatment. 

[cosmonaut]

That's harsh about your ex being so oblivious to you and your feelings, but it's typical BPD behavior.  At least you can have the peace of mind to know that she is well.  It was very kind of you to look up the passage for her as well, especially in light of her father passing.  You did a good thing.

Why are you feeling upset with yourself?  Because you want her to not be able to affect you?  That will take time.  Detaching is a process.  If I was to hear from my ex, I would be near overcome with emotion.  I went cold the other night when I was out and saw someone from behind that for a minute I thought was her.  She still has a powerful effect on me.  I think it will just take some more time.

Overall, you sound like you are doing very well at moving forward and healing.  That's great work. 

[Lion Fire]

Thanks everyone for your support and comments.

Yes, I have felt disturbed since yesterday. The contact, although not sinister or hostile, has set me back in my process and this only confirms that I need to detach completely from her. This morning, I blocked her on my i-phone and whatsapp. I am also going through all photos (literally hundreds) and putting them away so that I don't have constant reminders kicking me back into ruminations.

Fact is, there is little chance of any healthy friendship after the awful end to our relationship. I will not go back into an intimate relationship with her. This will kill me I know.

Time and space are the greatest healers from my experience and I need to set up an environment that is best suited to this process.

I feel delicate but more balanced.

Today is day 1 of proper no contact.

Just for today... .

ps. AO, I like the smell tactic  I have my own in place: I  play back a abusive rant that I recorded on my phone of her tearing into me like a wild animal. I also look at a list I made up of positives and negatives... . This usually sets me back on the track of self care when I wander into 'what if's' 

Peace

[corraline]

Lion Fire

Good for you... . sounds like you've got it sorted.     Things will come our way and challenge us... its tricky but I am glad to hear you are managing to find your way thru this one.

I agree with you about the time and space thing. 

[cosmonaut]

Time and space are the greatest healers from my experience and I need to set up an environment that is best suited to this process.

I think you're right on.  I also put away all of the mementos of my ex - the cards, letters, pictures, etc.  I couldn't bring myself to get rid of them entirely, but I am not sure I ever want to do so.  She was a part of my life, and a very significant part for the time we were together.  Still, those reminders of her were triggering, and I was already having a hard enough time not thinking of her every minute of the day.  It helped, and the act of putting all those things away was somewhat symbolic.  I'm glad you did the same.

I'm glad that you are working so hard on detaching.  I know it will lead to a better tomorrow.