Will the calls ever stop?

[Dolly rocker]

So I've been NC since Feb, he told me he was in love with someone else. So I finally woke up from this horrible ordeal of a relationship and went NC.

Problem is, he's been obsessed with me way before we even met face to face. And he just won't stop calling me. I've blocked him everywhere but he keeps creating new fake profiles in fb and is always watching me. Last week I went overseas to see my family, he obviously saw my cover pic on fb with my mum and brother put two and two together and found out I was overseas. He then started calling my mums landline and whenever someone answered he would do his heavy breathing thing and hang up.

Today he's phoned 10 times throughout the day.

I'm feeling sick and tired of his harassment.

Will he ever leave me alone?

I made it clear it was well over!

[arjay]

The concept of "burst extinction" has been mentioned here many times.  It is when "reality starts to set in", and often unwanted calls and negative behavior actually increases, like the screaming child that has been picked up in the past by the frustrated parent, only this time nobody is showing up so the behavior escalates before stopping.  This is a transitional period fortunately, but can last for a while.

Just know if you were to break NC, it would likely take even longer the next time you went NC, before contact attempts would quit.  He is going through his own deal and it will take time before he moves on too.  Keep NC for sure, otherwise the "clock starts all over again" with it taking longer and longer ultimately to stop.

FB public profiles can be limited in terms of presented content, and I am not sure why you would post information for anyone to see, especially him.  You will help yourself greatly if you limit what is presented to the general public and "unfriend" those that are no longer in your circle of life.

If he continues to be this persistent, things like "no ring tone for his number", can help.  Yes you do see he called, but at least your phone doesn't ring in the middle of the night.  There are legal routes too depending on where you live.  This is pretty much a last resort thing, if he is harassing you and/or family members.

Keep with the NC.  Eventually he will give up and quit.

Peace

[Dolly rocker]

Thank you so much Arjay.

I have no intentions to break NC! This is finaly it, it's Over!

I've blocked him and everybody else related to him from my fb. My page has been set for friends only. However it was Mother's Day and I wanted to have a nice pic of me and my mum as my cover pic on fb which unfortunately can't be set to private so anyone can view it!

His number has been blocked for a long time, however he puts a code in front of my number when he rings me so his call appears on my iPhone as "no Id caller".

It's very annoying but not much I can do about.

You are so right about not breaking NC. That's my plan and I'll stick to it!

Thanks again for such prompt reply!

[Mutt]

Here is a 2 min video on youtube on how extinction burst works

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqHfEJt1ZV4

Common Trap: Remember, you don't want to inadvertently give them intermittent reinforcement to dysregulated behavior. This is easy to do, and once established extremely difficult to unlearn.

Intermittent reinforcement: slot machines use this. They pay out on irregular schedules. You never know when you will win, but you know that if you keep pulling the handle that sooner or later a pay out will occur. It may happen on the third pull or the twentieth pull, but you will win if you keep trying. The fact that you KNOW that you will eventually win, keeps you hooked into trying.

What does this mean? If you tell your partner that you won't answer the phone while at work, and they call you 20 times, and you answer on the 21st attempt, you have just inadvertantly given them intermittent reinforcement. Now they know that if they bug you enough, that you will always eventually respond. This actually escalates the behavior you are trying to stop. They believe they can win if they just keep pulling the lever, even if they go broke trying, they will keep at it. The more irregular and unpredictable your response to them, the more they will keep trying. It is the combination of hoping they will get their way and not knowing when it will happen that keeps them trying.

How to discourage dysregulated behavior.?

Consistency in not responding is the only way to discourage undesired behavior... .

Your partner has to learn that  when you say no, that you mean no.  Any hint of weakness is a reward, encouraging him/her to continue trying

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

[Dolly rocker]

So true!

Back in January when he was bugging me I told him in a nice way that I didn't want any contact.

After that I got several threats and inumerous unwanted calls.

I just feel very unfortunate to have met him and have gotten myself into this mess! :-S