Here I am again

[WhoMe51]

Two weeks ago my dBPDexgf and I started talking. I had blocked all communication with her. Then she showed up at my job. She seemed different this time and she talked about how much she missed us. She went on and on about how her life wasnt the same as it was when we were together. She told me that she wanted our relationship back and we could talk openly about our concerns. I bought it. I went back in. I know now it was my need to be loved. Instead of easing back in we jumped back in where we left off. All the previous abuse was swept under the rug. We had a clean slate. Those of you who have been out for a while are probably shaking your heads right now. Because thats what I'm doing as I'm typing this. Things were good at first as you might expect then her words and actions weren't measuring up. It was like she knew she had hooked me again. In the begining, it was all about we can do this and that. And then it changed to I'm going to move and get my own apartment. Because she knew her hooks was in. This is when I questioned her about what happened to we. And it hit the fan. She started writing on the slate again. Blaming me for our past. Blaming for everything under the sun. She started telling me that she couldn't believe that she had been foolish enough to come back and start over. So needless to say I am back to no contact again. I learned my lesson. I have to detach. My head has been clearing up from the FOG.

[LettingGo14]

I bought it. I went back in. I know now it was my need to be loved. Instead of easing back in we jumped back in where we left off. All the previous abuse was swept under the rug. We had a clean slate. Those of you who have been out for a while are probably shaking your heads right now.

I'm not shaking my head at all, WhoMe51.   I'm nodding.  I get it.  Completely.   There's no shame in having love to give, and wanting to receive love.  My emotions want to override my cognitive control all the time.   The only difference for me now is that I see the system inside me, and I can -- most days -- give myself space to do two things: (1) feel the emotions, and (2) retake cognitive control.

So needless to say I am back to no contact again. I learned my lesson. I have to detach. My head has been clearing up from the FOG.

I hope you can be kind to yourself.    Detachment is a process, right?  And we're all on this journey together, so thanks for posting.

How are you feeling right now?

[Eric1]

The exact has happened to me & i've lost count the amount of times i took her back in.

You're not alone!

[bunnyrabit]

yeah I'm in the same boat as you... . took her back once, same miserable result... . I guess most of us need a few good lessons to get it through our heads that there just isn't any other possible outcome when starting a relationship with these people. My ex and I have been back in friendly contact recently and even that leads to a world of hurt... . I asked her today to delete my number and I'm going to try NC again because right now I'm in pain all over again, like back to square one... . I wish you lots of strength in these difficult times

[BacknthSaddle]

Those of you who have been out for a while are probably shaking your heads right now.

On the contrary, we are all nodding.  Many here have lived this story.  There is no shame in it at all.  It is often part of the process, and at times it might even be necessary to convince oneself of the reality of the situation. 

My ex and I have been back in friendly contact recently and even that leads to a world of hurt... .

This speaks volumes about this kind of relationship. "Friendly contact" leads to a "world of hurt?" How does that even make sense. But of course these relationships don't make sense, or at least, not the way traditional healthy relationships do.  I have been trying to figure out a way for "friendly contact" not to lead to a "world of hurt" for probably 3-4 months now.  You won't be surprised to learn that I have failed. 

[bunnyrabit]

My ex and I have been back in friendly contact recently and even that leads to a world of hurt... .

This speaks volumes about this kind of relationship. "Friendly contact" leads to a "world of hurt?" How does that even make sense. But of course these relationships don't make sense, or at least, not the way traditional healthy relationships do.  I have been trying to figure out a way for "friendly contact" not to lead to a "world of hurt" for probably 3-4 months now.  You won't be surprised to learn that I have failed.  [/quote]
I really didn't see it coming because she was really nice, no splitting black, nothing, so I thought what the heck I feel strong enough. But she was very seductive at times and before I knew it the old feelings flared up again and the obsession started... . It's exactly the same as dangling a bag of heroin in front of a recovered addict 's nose. Does that sound like a good idea to you? I didn't think so... . So it's back to rehab for me... . damnit

[WhoMe51]

I guess what I'm feeling now is shame and disbelief. I am in disbelief that I could get sucked in so quick and easy. This leads to shame. I know that her definition of love is different than mine. She was so convincing that things would be different. But deep down I knew it would never change. She recently got a higher paying job and she's moving to another city in a couple of months. It's so hard for me to understand how she can function at work and do well. But in relationships she turns into something else. I know that this is just how she is. And without therapy this is how she will live. So I shake my head because I knew better. I'm sorry that you all are going through it too or have been through it. For those that have been through it, you give me hope, that I too can get through it. Thank you.

[WhoMe51]

I would like to ask a question here. Why do they come back? If they know it's going to be the same?  I know my answer but is it the same as theirs? Why do they come back if they aren't willing to invest in the relationship?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WhoMe51,

I guess what I'm feeling now is shame and disbelief. I am in disbelief that I could get sucked in so quick and easy. This leads to shame.

Virtually all of us have done it, so go easy on yourself.  A BPD r/s, almost by definition, involves a lot of drama, including numerous breakups and recycles.  It goes with the territory.  Those w/BPD are highly volatile, so blowups are unavoidable.  Most w/BPD are very good at projecting and transferring the blame, so if we allow our BPD SO to foist the responsibility completely on our shoulders, it's natural to get sucked back in.

I suggest that you practice gratitude for getting out and moving on.

LuckyJim

[Banshee]

WhoMe51, May I ask how long were you broke up ,and it only lasted 2 weeks?

I'm just asking because me and my  exBPDbf was broke up about 2 1/2 months got back together and within 3 weeks broke up again... was this time worse than the last time?

[WhoMe51]

Banshee,

I'm trying to remember the last recycles.  There have been a bunch. This last break up wasn't because of her but me. What she was saying wasn't adding up. So I questioned her and that's when things became heated. The blame from the past came and she started lecturing me about what love is. I don't know if it was worse than last time but it just opened my eyes again to the truth. It doesn't matter what she says, I have to look at her actions. She can manipulate me with her words and even some of her actions to.

LuckyJim,

I'm going to start practicing gratitude that i did get out.

Thanks

[Banshee]

It doesn't matter what she says, I have to look at her actions. She can manipulate me with her words and even some of her actions to.

I   this  and I'm still trying to learn this... your headed in the right direction definitely 

[LettingGo14]

I would like to ask a question here. Why do they come back? If they know it's going to be the same?  I know my answer but is it the same as theirs? Why do they come back if they aren't willing to invest in the relationship?

Here's a helpful workshop on Relationship Recycling

[Emelie Emelie]

Hey Who Me - I am back here too.   :'(  I went back and it didn't work out.  You ask why they come back, if they know it's going to be the same.  I don't think they do know it's going to be the same.  My exBF was completely committed to making it "different".  Making it work this time.  I think what happens is they really believe it's going to be different.  They've changed or you've changed.  Mine realized he "screwed up".  He worked very hard to get me to come back.  Finally I did.  He was elated.  Felt great.  Thought his life was complete.  Of course all his insecurities and shame and self loathing came back... . and it was my fault.  He was crushingly disappointed and angry at me.  "If only I would have figured out what he needed."  He stopped investing in the rs when he felt he wasn't getting what he needed from it.

[Narellan]

I think we have all done this. Don't blame yourself it was a test and shows you now exactly what it will always be like. I'm nodding my head too. I'm really sad for you because I understand exactly! This is why I have to go strict NC because I recognise that weakness in me that still wants that fantasy love back. It is so hard to not hold onto that cherished time. They are masters at appearing like they've learned their lesson and have realised you're the love of their lives... . For real this time. I went through 4 recycles. Now he's replaced me with my best friend of 20 years ( ex best friend now) so he's leaving me alone to pursue her. I just know 100% that he will come back at done point, and even after all he's done to me, it will be my biggest test ever to remain NC. I play out the scenario in my head frequently and it gives me a sense of control, but I really am fearful if a face to face meet. I feel so vulnerable still.

It's over 9 weeks now NC and each day gets better, but he's soon to return from interstate to my local Suberb and it literally fills me with anxiety and fear.

Hang in there. This is just a learning curve. Feel the pain it's caused you and learn from that when she next attempts to engage you. Take care 

[WhoMe51]

Emelie,

It is so easy to believe them when they say they have changed.  If you are like me, you want to believe it so bad.  But then you realize that they too are dealing with insecurities that prevent them from changing.  Everyone on here always says don't be hard on yourself and give yourself time.  Detaching is a process and in time we will be strong enough to say no to them if they come around again.  We deserve better. 

Narellan,

Thank you for your words of encouragement.  I think a lot of times I am hard on myself because my pwBPD was hard on me.  Sometimes it is hard to let go of the self blame.  Because she projected so much blame and shame on me that I forget that I  am a good person who sometimes make mistakes.  And it's okay to make mistakes. 

[WhoMe51]

I had the day off today, but I volunteered to work so I didn't stay home and wallow in sadness.  I thought if I kept myself busy it would be better.  I went nc with my exdBPDgf again after a brief recycle.  I blocked all contact that I could just like before.  I went to work so I could get away from my thoughts and guess who showed up on my job.  She said she was driving by and saw my car so she decided to stop in and say hi.  Yea right.  She began quizzing me why I was working and why I had gone no contact again.  I was trying really hard not to cause a scene.  I was as polite as I could be when I told her that the relationship wasn't right for me anymore.  I told her that if we continued it, I would end up resenting her and I did not want to do that.  I told her that I wanted to end on good terms.  She started telling me that she wasn't ready to quit and that she would try harder.  I told her that I didn't have anything else to give.  This was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I felt like I was giving up on her.  But I knew I had to do it.  She left in tears.  She later called me on her son's phone and said she was going to give me time to rethink my decision and hung up.  What a day?

[Take2]

This thread is good timing for me... .   I haven't even taken up the r/s again recently though but it feels like I have.  I have been feeling pretty strong lately, haven't been on the boards until this weekend again... .  

guess I was trying to figure out a way for that "friendly contact" mentioned below... .  and it has lead directly to the "world of hurt"... .  

I struggle constantly with forgiving myself for past mistakes.  For some mistakes I never even did!  ... .

It's been so ingrained in me that I've done so much wrong, and that it's completely unacceptable and that I'm not worthy of the life I live because of how much I have destroyed (not remotely realistic at all)... .  I start to dip into that depression that I've managed to pull myself out of... .  

It's incredibly helpful to read these posts this evening as I am trying to enjoy this evening with myself rather than race out to  run from my pain.  It IS okay to make mistakes.  And to learn from them... .  and to forgive ourselves... .  no one deserves to be punished over and over and over... .   here's to detaching... .

[refusetosuccumb]

You are in good (yet bad) company. 

I was with my ex for 16 yrs, 2 kids. I gave it a final go last July and promised myself that if it didnt work out then I can say I gave it my all. My ex turned to other women the entire time, behind my back, and its all my fault bevause I didnt "give him what he really needed"

Even though Im firm in my decision, it still hurts. But I have to work on why I have any guilt whatsoever. Im still in the FOG but my T is helping me lift that.

You deserve peace. Only ourselves can give us that. If we look outward for it, the cycle continues.

I have decided to be my own Hero.

[Lucky Jim]

You deserve peace. Only ourselves can give us that. If we look outward for it, the cycle continues.

I have decided to be my own Hero.

Like what you're saying, refusetosuccumb.  Same for me, was with my BPDxW for 15 years, 2 kids.

Like you, I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could, but eventually there was nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak.  At that point, it was either leave or destroy myself, and the latter I decided was no help to anyone.

LuckyJim