help me respond to this email

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been 3 years e-mail only.

shared custody

UBPDX mask has been slipping lately

I am documenting his regular alienation e-mail threats

d11 suffers alienation when with him, rejects me.

she does not meet all hate criteria

I have complex ptsd

and working our way out of stockholm syndrome.

d11 has been with UBPD dad for 24 hours and here is the email I get from UBPDX

":)11 has asked me to email you, so the three of us can find a time to meet to discuss some family issues together. Are you around this weekend?"


Of course my first fear is... "he has her in a place to ask to move to daddys"

Alienated mom fear.

please help me respond

[nona]

I have been 3 years e-mail only.

shared custody

UBPDX mask has been slipping lately

I am documenting his regular alienation e-mail threats

d11 suffers alienation when with him, rejects me.

she does not meet all hate criteria

I have complex ptsd

and working our way out of stockholm syndrome.

d11 has been with UBPD dad for 24 hours and here is the email I get from UBPDX

":)11 has asked me to email you, so the three of us can find a time to meet to discuss some family issues together. Are you around this weekend?"


Of course my first fear is... "he has her in a place to ask to move to daddys"

Alienated mom fear.

please help me respond

[david]

If you only communicate through email my suspiction is he wants to communicate without documentation since he feels he has no control that way. My ex has tried that several times. I have always replied that I am more comfortable with email communication.

Getting D11 involved is probably a dirty trick and is not in her best interest. She is the child and not the parent.

Trying to have direct physical contact when you are dealing with ptsd and stockholm syndrome is probably not good for you.

I only communicate through email with my ex. I have been doing that for over three years now. Ex has tried to break that boundary in various ways. I was falsely accused of assault and have not been near her since that time unless I have an audio and video recorder with me.

If I really thought I had to talk to her directly I would only do that with a court recognized witness. I don't think, in your situation, you have to worry about false assault charges filed against you.

If you really think it important than perhaps you can get a pastor or someone like that as a mediator. Talk to the person first and explain your dilemna.

[Matt]

"What family issues?"

Or maybe just call D11 and ask her what is going on.

(Does she have a phone?)

[ForeverDad]

The parent who has a history of pressuring, controlling, rewriting history, etc, is probably the parent who will get the child to side with him/her.

Children should not be involved with parenting decisions or coerced to take sides.  Let them be children, keep them out of it even if the other parent won't.  Yes, the problem is you can stop the other parent from improper actions.

If you do all three get together and it veers into "she wants to live with me" then call a halt and state that's a parental/court consideration.  In your state or country there may be consideration given to the child's wishes but usually it's when the child is a little older and you can always raise the issue in court that the child has been improperly manipulated, pressured or alienated.

[Matt]

If you do all three get together and it veers into "she wants to live with me" then call a halt and state that's a parental/court consideration.  In your state or country there may be consideration given to the child's wishes but usually it's when the child is a little older and you can always raise the issue in court that the child has been improperly manipulated, pressured or alienated.

Let's assume that is what is going on, and at some point either your ex or D11 tell you that:  ":)11 told me she wants to spend more time with me." or "I told Dad I want to spend more time with him."

Is there some neutral, objective professional involved, like a Parenting Coach, Custody Evaluator, etc.?

Do you have an attorney?  You might ask her how you can file a motion to have someone appointed to act in the child's interests.

With someone like that involved, you could take this issue to her.  For example, if there is a Parenting Coach or mediator, you could forward your ex's e-mail to her and say, "I believe that Mr. Ex is pressuring D11 to be with him more, and he may be alienating her from me.  Can you help?"

As FD says, if that three-way conversation ever happens, it would be best to be prepared for it by knowing how you will handle it.  "The decision about how much time you will spend with each parent is made by the court, with input from the parents and the Custody Evaluator, who is a psychologist.  There is a reason why someone your age doesn't get to choose:  because then you can be pressured to choose one way or another, and nobody your age deserves that kind of pressure.  If your dad is trying to get you to say something like that, he is violating the court's orders and that can mean consequences for him.  Let's you and I talk about how to make things work out better for you - tell me what is going on and how I can help."

[Nope]

I think going to a three way in-person meeting would put your child in the worst possible situation. She has probably already been told exactly what to say to you. If she is sitting down with the three of you then she will be forced to say it to you r risk drawing the anger of her disordered parent. The "safe" parent is completely set up for failure in a situation like that.

Take my SD11 for example. She cuddles with me, loves going places with me, and even tells my DH how much she wishes I was home when she is with us and I have to work late. This same little girl will hardly look at me and gives me nothing more than a half hand wave of goodbye when her BPD mom is standing there.

I told her I am fine with that and I understand. I will absolutely never ask a child to stick up for their relationship with me to their disordered parent.

If I were in your shoes I would tell him that family matters are best discussed only between the adults and will have to be by email. I might also tell him that if your daughter brings something to your attention then you will tell her the same thing. It's between you and her dad.

[nona]

yesterday , UBPDX and myself were turned into child protective services.

we will be investigated.

more eyes on the situation!

I called  a codependency expert from youtube... . ross rosenburg Chicago guy

great you tubes,

when I listed the abuse, he declined being able to be of any help other than turn us in to MCFD.(CPS)

that costed me 200.00

the MCFD worker understands UBPDX  is pressuring me for this meeting, and she will bring it up.

hahahahhahahahahhahahaha

feelin better already !

[Matt]

What cost you $200?  You paid him even though he declined to help?

Just don't pay him.

Regarding the CPS thing, I think you're right to look at it as an opportunity, but it's unlikely to lead to anything either positive or negative, except the drama of the investigation itself.  I think they will ask a few questions, looking for a big threat to the child right now, and if they don't find that, they won't do anything.

What was the abuse, and when?

[nona]

they had my credit card info weeks ago when I made the appointment.

It may be the best 200.00 ive spent yet.

canadian child protection MCFD closed our case

The RCMP told me "quit shaming our doctor"

domestic violence told me "go home and dont let him find out you know anything"

the family doctor said "its a marital problem"

I am in CAnada

Rossrosenburg is in USA

kinda funny it took someone like him to shake the system a little, as I was unable to.

This could be really good for us, finally getting some more witnessing of what d11 is going through.

[Matt]

What is the nature of the abuse, and is it still going on?

[nona]

He bit her on the face when she was 10 months old. I have pics of the bruises.

He used to sit next to her and squish her against the wall.

which he denies and accuses me of fabrication.

of course.

the ongoing is the malignant manipulation, never ending.

crazy emails from UBPDX and d11 within 24 hours of transfer to his house.

[Matt]

I once told a professional, who was required to report abuse, what my older son had said in front of several people, including his mom and me:  When he was 7, she had hit him on the face, so hard that his nose bled.

I was asked if I was aware of child abuse by anyone in our home, and I had to answer truthfully, so I told the professional about that.  She was legally required to report it to CPS, and they were required to investigate it, but it had occurred many years before, so they didn't do anything - just filled out some paperwork and put it in a drawer.

Maybe it's different in Canada but I doubt it.  Something that happened many years ago probably won't have any consequences, and "he said - she said" accusations probably won't be taken seriously either.

There are other ways to get an objective professional involved.

First, you might find a counselor for D11 - not someone to take your side, but someone to be a resource for her, and help her gain skills to deal with her situation.

Also, you might be able to file a motion to have the court appoint a "guardian ad litem" ("GAL" or a Custody Evaluator.  Talk to your attorney about that - it works differently in different places but there is probably a way to do it.

[Boss302]

I have been 3 years e-mail only.

shared custody

UBPDX mask has been slipping lately

I am documenting his regular alienation e-mail threats

d11 suffers alienation when with him, rejects me.

she does not meet all hate criteria

I have complex ptsd

and working our way out of stockholm syndrome.

d11 has been with UBPD dad for 24 hours and here is the email I get from UBPDX

":)11 has asked me to email you, so the three of us can find a time to meet to discuss some family issues together. Are you around this weekend?"


Of course my first fear is... "he has her in a place to ask to move to daddys"

Alienated mom fear.

please help me respond

There is no response that will work, because the intent, most likely, isn't to work anything out. It's about stirring the pot. This whole "she wants to live with me" thing is really about pushing your "I'm a bad parent" button. Why the heck would this discussion include an 11 year old to begin with? It's not the kid's choice. Remember, BPDx is a more manipulative than you are, and will "sell" that kid far more effectively than you ever could... . not because you're a bad parent, but because BPD is probably extremely persuasive, particularly with an 11 year old child. He's going to tell you this is about 'giving the child a voice.' Think about that for a second. What if you "gave your kid a voice" on things like going to school, or going to a doctor or dentist appointment. What choice would they make? Most likely they'd make the WRONG choice. And, frankly, they'd make the wrong choice on custody too.

This is just manipulation. He's pushing your "bad parent" button, and he's doing it because he thinks it'll work (you're here, so it actually be working). It plays on your guilt over ending the relationship and breaking up the family, which is normal for anyone who's ever decided to end a marriage. Problem is, most people aren't divorcing a BPD who will use that guilt as a weapon, and that's what he's using your child as. Don't let him do it. Tell him it's up to the court, or talk to your attorney... . and leave it at that.

[Boss302]

He bit her on the face when she was 10 months old. I have pics of the bruises.

He used to sit next to her and squish her against the wall.

which he denies and accuses me of fabrication.

of course.

the ongoing is the malignant manipulation, never ending.

crazy emails from UBPDX and d11 within 24 hours of transfer to his house.

If there's abuse going on then there's NO WAY that kid should have word one to say about whether she wants to be with mommy or daddy. The ONLY question is what's best for her, and if the other situation is abusive, then that question is easy to answer.

It's also a lot easier to fight off allegations of abuse when you aren't abusive. My ex tried that on me (not physical abuse), and tried to get the court to force me into supervised visitation. She didn't even show up for the hearing. These allegations often don't amount to anything.

[nona]

Bless you and thank you.

Your words and being here for us/me, is so helpful.

Just reading your words stopped this anxiety immediately.

Thank you thank you

[Boss302]

Bless you and thank you.

Your words and being here for us/me, is so helpful.

Just reading your words stopped this anxiety immediately.

Thank you thank you

Just don't buy into the drama. Easier said than done, I know... . but you'll learn how before too long.