Negativity?

[FigureIt]

How do you not let your BPD's negativity bring you down?

Whether it is what they say that is hurtful to you?

What they do (lying, emotional cheating, sneakiness, omitting, etc.) that upsets, hurts you?

Their lack of care of your well-being, yet their expecting of you to give ALL the time?


I think the negativity is wreaking havoc on my health!  I am only 40 and the inflammation in my joints and back is becoming unbearable.  This has only come on to this extreme in the past year.

[maxsterling]

Wish I had an easy answer for you (well, and for everyone here).  By my rough estimation, my GF is negative 80% of the time, and neutral for 19.9% of the time.  And that means probably 0.15 of her waking hours she is actually positive.  It sure as hell wears me down. 

So what do I do?  If the negativity is directed towards objects, others, or non-relationship situations, I can easily tell myself it has nothing to do with me and validate and detach.  What gets difficult is when the negativity gets directed at herself, me, or the relationship.  There's a big difference between hearing about how a TV show sucks, than to hear her remark how horrible of a person she is and how much she hates herself and wants to die.  In those situations, I feel panic.  And after months of that, I am exhausted.  It would be nice to just have a week's peace to recharge, but that never happens.

All I can suggest is to do things for yourself that feel good when you get the chance.  Exercise, hobbies, clubs, groups... .   try and have good relationships with your friends or family.  You will need support of those whom you can vent to from time to time.

[FigureIt]

I do have a great relationship with my mom & sister and can vent, I just feel that I vent too much and it's all negative.

When I try to do those hobbies and things that benefit myself (ex. I'm in a bike ride for charity in 4wks. & riding 30miles, so I train by biking to my daughter's sports practice, I bike to work, etc.)  He gets upset/irritated with me and says "I'm not there for him."

I feel swarmed by negativity! 

Yesterday, I tried to relax outside on my patio and enjoy the nice day, I even invited him to come sit with me.  He complained at me that "I was just laying by the pool, wasn't I going to clean up!"

[empathic]

Yes, the negativity gets to me as well, it's contagious. It's very hard to bring her up from it, as she doesn't like when people are overly positive, so it's like she's locked into the negativity. Just knowing that I have to deal with her and the negativity when I come home can bring me down during work.

I have anxiety issues over this, and mild depression. I feel sorry for her, I get teary-eyed right now thinking about it, because it seems so sad. I have a hard time letting things go after our discussions. Like max, it's easier when it's something external she's upset about, rather than herself, me or my family. How do you deal with that?

[FigureIt]

Talking with my family when the negativity is about me helps.  I'm frustrated that he won't leave.  We own this house together and he refuses to leave.  He doesn't even do anything to take care of the home other then to vacuum and pay the mortgage.  I pay for all the utilities, all the extras (mulch, flowers, decor), etc.  Our sub-pump died and I was the one to go to the hardware store and buy a new one... . NOT HIM!

This is SOO infuriating to me because my daughter loves our house (has a pool) and our dogs are wonderful (which I too take the most care of) and he is literally a ball & chain to my happiness.

[hergestridge]

The most difficult thing for me to accept is this:

I spend so much time and energy fending off her negativity and trying to let a little sunshine into our family home. Then all of the sudden she decides it's a wonderful day and life is great - and it has nothing to do with me (or anything else that has happened for that matter).

It's like you spent 19 days trying to lift a lame woman out of bed without suceeding, then on the 20th day she just gets up and walks out the door.

And on that day (day #20), she expects me to be just as positive as her.

True emotions do have some kind of connection to things happen in the outside world. Feelings that emanate only from a person's inner life are impossible to relate to for other people. Those emotions are erratic and trying to follow them only lead to fear and confusion.

I had a conversation with my wife recently where she admitted that she has a huge problem with anger and a feeling of having been violated. She also admitted that this feeling has always been with her and will always be with her. She agreed that this feeling forms her whole world view.

It's as she's almost mildly entertained by discussions like that, but when it comes to discussing the consequences like "Do you think it's right to act those feelings out on me and our daughter?" or "Are you prepared to work on those feelings in therapy?" she goes into defensive mode.

I suppose it's some sort of defense mechanism, but she slips into this "bad girl" type persona whenever we discuss her anger-/emotionalproblem. She goes into a "This is just a way I am, take it or leave it" rethoric, something that she has ridiculed many others for in the past.

This is something that has really taken me by surprise. I have really be insightful about other people and their behaviors, but when she's forced to discuss an aspect of her own behavior that she is not comfortable with her insights is on the level of a ten year old.

If someone had told me a few years ago that some peoples brains worked like that I wouldn't have believed it. I would have thought the person was bull___ting me actually.

[waverider]

It's like you spent 19 days trying to lift a lame woman out of bed without suceeding, then on the 20th day she just gets up and walks out the door.

And on that day (day #20), she expects me to be just as positive as her.

So true. From this you can learn that you just wasted your time for 19 days, she will be in a good mood when she is good and ready. So spend those 19 days cheering yourself up instead.

[FigureIt]

So you spend the 19 days cheering yourself up, I totally get... .   How do you RELEASE then your concern, hurt, agitation about how they are?

[waverider]

So you spend the 19 days cheering yourself up, I totally get... .   How do you RELEASE then your concern, hurt, agitation about how they are?

This is your frustration of watching someone wasting their lives away, one day at a time.

This is difficult, but ultimately you have to accept this as their stuff, and not your stuff. To try to force otherwise is to be seen, and to actually be, controlling.

It is a fine line between accepting this, and not actually caring, or at least questioning whether you care or not.

Frustration which comes and goes is easier to live with than resentment which sets in.

I deal with this all the time as it seems my partner is just wasting her life away, and if I allow it mine ends up on hold too, pending resolving the latest drama, but then there is always another drama, so it never comes off hold. Refusing to put your life on hold actually reduces pressure on them, increasing the odds they might want to join in again.

If your life becomes more about you again this reduces the pent up concern, hurt, agitation about how they are, so there is less to release.

[FigureIt]

So you spend the 19 days cheering yourself up, I totally get... .   How do you RELEASE then your concern, hurt, agitation about how they are?

If your life becomes more about you again this reduces the pent up concern, hurt, agitation about how they are, so there is less to release.

So I have been trying to make my life more about me and I seem to be getting A LOT of blow back from him.  He starts in with "I'm never home... . "  because during the week I have taken and hour or two most days to do something with my daughter and/or myself.  I feel like I'm in a no-win (or better phase no-settle) situation.  I'm even blamed for "not initiating" sex.   wth!

I am having a hard time not letting the resentment creep in!

[hergestridge]

As I wrote, my main purpose is to let a little sunshine into our home for our daughter's sake. My wife is not content being negative, she is basically upset about me not being negative too. She is very extroverted. When she has a bad day she doesn't lock herself into the bedroom. She is taking it out on me and our daughter. I have to "fight back" the negativity by making sure she doesn't cancel plans for our daughter, by saying positive things to counterbalance the all the things she says that worries our daughter and sets her up for impossible choices. And I have to say generally cheerful things to lighten up the mood just to make the environment livable for a child at our home some days.

I am not doing this for my own sake anymore, even though I am sure I have in the past.

[waverider]

My wife is not content being negative, she is basically upset about me not being negative too.

This is typical they want to spread the misery in order to validate they are justified in their reasons

She is taking it out on me and our daughter. I have to "fight back" the negativity by making sure she doesn't cancel plans for our daughter, by saying positive things to counterbalance the all the things she says that worries our daughter and sets her up for impossible choices. And I have to say generally cheerful things to lighten up the mood just to make the environment livable for a child at our home some days.

I am not doing this for my own sake anymore, even though I am sure I have in the past.

How do you fight back? You can't argue your wife into a good mood, you can only make sure your life is fulfilling along with your daughters, you go ahead and do the "good" things with and for you daughter. If your wife is carrying on like the sky is falling, you simple carry on and do what ever plans you have made with your daughter. Dont try arguing about whether the sky is actually falling in or not. that just makes it a valid topic.

Your daughter needs to see and hear positive attitude which is proactive and coming direct from you and authentic. She doesn't want to hear it simply as a reactive counter measure. Otherwise it will always sound like it is proceeded by a "but". It will be linked to a negative, and a compromise, rather than independent from it.

"The sky is falling in", but" its a nice day so we will go for a walk">>going for a walk will be linked to escaping from the sky falling in.

"The sky is falling in"... no reaction, no counter measure>>no linking consequence.

"Its a nice day lets go for a walk", as a stand alone event.>>Relaxing outing which is not seen as escaping from anything

I used to go do fun things when things were going bad, never could quite enjoy them the same, the resentment bred. I still go do other things if times are bad. But the best things are more enjoyed if not done as a counter measure

[waverider]

So you spend the 19 days cheering yourself up, I totally get... .   How do you RELEASE then your concern, hurt, agitation about how they are?

If your life becomes more about you again this reduces the pent up concern, hurt, agitation about how they are, so there is less to release.

So I have been trying to make my life more about me and I seem to be getting A LOT of blow back from him.  He starts in with "I'm never home... . "  because during the week I have taken and hour or two most days to do something with my daughter and/or myself.  I feel like I'm in a no-win (or better phase no-settle) situation.  I'm even blamed for "not initiating" sex.   wth!

I am having a hard time not letting the resentment creep in!

it is huge, and long, and difficult barrier to break through, I had to put up with OD's, wrist slashing, screaming and all kinds of abuse to break through that barrier.

I used to feel guilty about stopping off for a coffee and reading the paper whilst out shopping, as I was "living it up" while she was feeling miserable. Now if the weather is right and I have no other plans on, I can load the kayak on the car and go fishing at dawn and not be back until dusk, regardless of what mood she is in and there is absolutely no drama. This is something I do because the conditions are right, not as a reaction to her mood. She knows this and doesn't take it as a slight or invalidation of how she feels. If she is in a foul mood then this gives her time to self soothe, as no one else is going to attempt to do it for her.

Projection on to the kids used to be a big issue. Never happens now, she doesn't link us having fun as something that is done to spite or isolate her. It is something that happens regardless of her mood.