"pre-filing" divorce agreement with my stbxBPD

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I haven't posted on here in a while, but I had a big breakthrough over the past couple of days. Right now I'm working on a "pre-filing" divorce agreement with my stbxBPD. I've been taking the high road since the separation; paying my half of the mortgage on our house that  I haven't been in for over a year, while trying to sell a property I owned prior to the marriage. We had been haggling over the settlement amount for me to buy her out on the house. She gets a certain amount of the proceeds on the sold property (appreciation) plus the her half of the house equity. I grudgingly allowed the amount seeing in her favor to avoid lengthy and costly litigation. I had established what my limit was and told her if she wasn't fair and reasonable and willing to compromise that it would open the door to scrutiny and dispute when I took it to an attorney for review.

I got the settlement the other day and when I saw it I had a total meltdown. Not only had she completely disregarded what I had told her, she put a child support amount that completely disregarded state guidelines (in Florida, there's no room for subjectivity). Either her attorney is very dated on his family law knowledge or its designed to break me financially. On top of that she wanted me to pay half her attorney fees. I had a few screaming matched with her over the phone and slept little that night, ended up calling in sick form work. The next day, I had my fist visit with an attorney and he will be handling it from here. The first 12 hours cost me nothing because I subscribe to a legal plan. I set my boundaries, now I'm enforcing them.

This was very liberating. For the past year and a half I've been taking a lot of from her and made great sacrifice to make this possible. I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and knowingly pay out more than she was entitled to: get it over with and start over fresh. She took what I offered, then went and saw what I have, decided she wanted it all and went for a little extra just to make sure she didn't miss anything. I told her what would happen if she did that and I now have to follow through on what I said I would do: we have a kid and 14 years of joint parenting ahead of us and if I let her take advantage of me now, she will always expect me to allow it. Her doing this and total lack of compromise is what destroyed the marriage. I can't keep living with the fear and anxiety over what she may do (litigation?) or over financial issues. Or not getting my house back; it's beautiful but doesn't define me as a person. I'm dating a wonderful girl (who happens to be HOT and significantly younger than me), my son called yesterday to see how I was feeling (he heard me calling in sick), and I have a-ton of money from the property sale sitting in my checking account, so I won't be going broke anytime soon. It's time to get out of her sick, distorted world and start appreciating what's in mine.

[lockedout]

I haven't posted on here in a while, but I had a big breakthrough over the past couple of days. Right now I'm working on a "pre-filing" divorce agreement with my stbxBPD. I've been taking the high road since the separation; paying my half of the mortgage on our house that  I haven't been in for over a year, while trying to sell a property I owned prior to the marriage. We had been haggling over the settlement amount for me to buy her out on the house. She gets a certain amount of the proceeds on the sold property (appreciation) plus the her half of the house equity. I grudgingly allowed the amount seeing in her favor to avoid lengthy and costly litigation. I had established what my limit was and told her if she wasn't fair and reasonable and willing to compromise that it would open the door to scrutiny and dispute when I took it to an attorney for review.

I got the settlement the other day and when I saw it I had a total meltdown. Not only had she completely disregarded what I had told her, she put a child support amount that completely disregarded state guidelines (in Florida, there's no room for subjectivity). Either her attorney is very dated on his family law knowledge or its designed to break me financially. On top of that she wanted me to pay half her attorney fees. I had a few screaming matched with her over the phone and slept little that night, ended up calling in sick form work. The next day, I had my fist visit with an attorney and he will be handling it from here. The first 12 hours cost me nothing because I subscribe to a legal plan. I set my boundaries, now I'm enforcing them.

This was very liberating. For the past year and a half I've been taking a lot of from her and made great sacrifice to make this possible. I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and knowingly pay out more than she was entitled to: get it over with and start over fresh. She took what I offered, then went and saw what I have, decided she wanted it all and went for a little extra just to make sure she didn't miss anything. I told her what would happen if she did that and I now have to follow through on what I said I would do: we have a kid and 14 years of joint parenting ahead of us and if I let her take advantage of me now, she will always expect me to allow it. Her doing this and total lack of compromise is what destroyed the marriage. I can't keep living with the fear and anxiety over what she may do (litigation?) or over financial issues. Or not getting my house back; it's beautiful but doesn't define me as a person. I'm dating a wonderful girl (who happens to be HOT and significantly younger than me), my son called yesterday to see how I was feeling (he heard me calling in sick), and I have a-ton of money from the property sale sitting in my checking account, so I won't be going broke anytime soon. It's time to get out of her sick, distorted world and start appreciating what's in mine.

[LettingGo14]

It's time to... . start appreciating what's in mine.

Congrats lockedout.  It's a road with many twists and turns for most of us, as you have experienced, but to arrive at gratitude is a worthwhile outcome.

Thanks for posting.  It helps us all to see how we journey and where we arrive.

[Matt]

Yeah, congratulations on making that very important leap - from assuming she will be reasonable to assuming she probably won't.

Lots of yellow flags here - a lot of cash in your account means both your wife (who will find out about it during the discovery process) and her lawyer (ditto) and your lawyer (ditto) will all be focused on moving it from your account to theirs.

Minimize the money you give her til it is absolutely legally required.  You are right to focus on the state's guidelines for alimony, and don't offer a penny more, or she'll take your offer and ask for even more.  Just fill out the state's worksheet, and whatever it says, that's what you will settle for, or see her in court.

What about custody - where does that stand and what do you think will be the best outcome?

[ForeverDad]

I set my boundaries, now I'm enforcing them.

Setting boundaries - This is one of the first steps we advocate, right after (or with) educating ourselves about the apparent disordered behaviors, gaining coping skills and communication skills.  Yes, it could trigger 'extinction bursts' or even separation sooner than it would have otherwise occurred, but in your case you were already separated.

So understand that while you *might* be able to avoid triggering her into overreactions some of the time, the fact is that almost anything can and will trigger her into poor behaviors.  Unless she is in meaningful and progressing therapy then you just have to do the best you can for yourself and your parenting.  Part of this is to ponder how football teams win, they play more than defense, they must play strategic offense as well.  Continuing the football analogy, watch out for the times your stbEx tries to play Moving Goalposts, imagine the other team moving the goalpost every time you get close to it, you'd never win!  Sadly, she hasn't and won't play fair or considerately.  Accepting that, you can be firm and even reasonably fair but you simply cannot be overly fair or you will be outmatched by someone whose motto may as well be "I win or you lose" or "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too".  Courts don't care about fair.  They have law, case law, rules, procedures, policies, calculators - but nothing about having to be fair and especially not overly-fair.  Sad but true.

[livednlearned]

Is there a way you can confirm that she is paying her half of the mortgage? Maybe shift the due date earlier, and have a grace period where you get a notification -- not sure if that's possible, but you don't want her non-compliance to impact you. Even if she's been paying it, she might change her stride if she thinks she isn't getting what she wants from you.

Once a lawyer gets involved, and as soon as boundaries start being enforced, there can be an escalation of bad behaviors or an extinction burst. Lawyers don't walk on eggshells, and BPD sufferers tend to act out, even in ways that spite themselves.

[lockedout]

I appreciate all the words of encouragement! So far things are quiet. With her being a high functioning BPDer, direct disparaging behavior isn't her thing: hiring a barracuda lawyer and trying to sucker me in under the guise of amicability is more her MO. When I get pissed, I'm being ungrateful to all those who are "just trying to help us". More and less, gaslighting. Her total lack of compromise is a much bigger issue and I'm curious as to how far she'll take things. It will need to be made clear sooner rather than lather that I will not sign off on an agreement that requires me to pay any portion of her attorney fees.

Luckily there is no "custody" in Florida; we have time sharing that gravitates to 50/50 more often than not. I have some room for compromise; she either takes it, or we go to court for 50/50. I also have access to our mortgage account; if there's ever a problem, I'll know soon enough. If she stops paying, so do I. She needs her credit a lot more more than I need mine. Either way, if either of us stops paying, it can lay the groundwork for forfeiture. Not much has happened over these past two weeks; both attorneys out of town at different times, I may hear something this week. As far as the attorneys getting all the money, I'd rather they get it while I fight for my rights than to give her anything only to be taken advantage of and forced into the campground. I'd rather come away with nothing with my head high. She was given fair warning that if she wasn't going to treat me fairly and show some compromise, that everything that had been tentatively agreed to would be open for scrutiny and dispute. Now I have to follow through.

On an unrelated note, I stopped taking my ADHD medication. I was pressured into taking it while we were together because she "couldn't deal with me". It caused huge anxiety and I'm feeling much better without it now. There was nothing wrong with me to begin with.

[ForeverDad]

There was nothing wrong with me to begin with.

Your issues were situational, not internal issues like hers.   Also, convincing you to take meds was a way (1) to make you look like you had a problem and (2) to keep you compliant and off-balance.

[Boss302]

Couple of things... .

1) Your credit may not be that important to you, but if she's not paying her half on the house you jointly own, and neither do you, then you're looking at a foreclosure, and you do NOT want that on your record. Plus, any equity in the property will likely be wiped out in a sheriff sale. That potentially affects both of your assets, and the financial settlement. I don't know what the situation with the property is (i.e., do you have equity in it), but I'd be careful about letting that house go if your soon to be ex has a "barracuda attorney." You might want to think about paying her half if she doesn't, assuming that's possible.

2) I'd also be careful about paying your bills with your share of the proceeds of the home sale. Good topic to discuss with your attorney.

3) You might want to consider giving her a one time settlement offer comprised mainly of the proceeds of the property sale, as full and final spousal support. I don't know about Florida, but here in Colorado, if you mutually agree on alimony, it becomes "contractual" and cannot be changed. Therefore, if your settlement agreement was to give her X dollars from the home sale, and that's all, then she can't take you back to court ever again. With a BPDx, that's not a bad position to be in. Again, this is in Colorado - not sure how your state works, but it's worth discussing with your attorney. If I could have just written a check to my ex and never had to deal with her financial demands ever again, I'd have overpaid to do it. It's WORTH it, because a BPD WILL use money to draw you back into her drama.

My two cents' worth... . best of luck.

[Boss302]

On an unrelated note, I stopped taking my ADHD medication. I was pressured into taking it while we were together because she "couldn't deal with me". It caused huge anxiety and I'm feeling much better without it now. There was nothing wrong with me to begin with.

The parallels between these folks are just UNBELIEVABLE! I got on antidepressants early in 2008 when my dad got sick (and eventually died) at my doctor's suggestion, and they did help me deal with my life, which was chaotic and very depressing. Problem is, antidepressants may help you cope, but they also dull out your emotions, to the point where you're actually "coping" with things that should be CHANGED, not coped with. The minute I stopped taking them, I began to see my situation for what it was - horrifically chaotic and untenable for me and the kids. While on the meds, the situation didn't make me as angry as it should have. I should have been FURIOUS about what was going on. And all that time, BPDx - no stranger to psych meds herself - insisted I keep taking these meds. She WANTED me "dulled out" because she knew darn well that if I wasn't, there was no way I'd accept our situation and her actions, and sure enough, after I quit taking them for good, that's exactly what happened.

And then, to top it off, after I told her I was divorcing her ___, she blamed the breakup on me being "off my meds." The intent was to make me look bad, but she was absolutely correct! 

[Boss302]

There was nothing wrong with me to begin with.

Your issues were situational, not internal issues like hers.   Also, convincing you to take meds was a way (1) to make you look like you had a problem and (2) to keep you compliant and off-balance.

All I can say to this is... .

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLT2erau3zo

We have a winner, folks!

[Panda39]

Continuing the football analogy, watch out for the times your stbEx tries to play Moving Goalposts, imagine the other team moving the goalpost every time you get close to it, you'd never win!

I love this analogy! So true! 

My SO's uBPDex has a job... . doesn't have a job... . will start the job next week... . decided not to take the job... .   it just all depends on what she wants and who's watching.

[lockedout]

1) Your credit may not be that important to you, but if she's not paying her half on the house you jointly own, and neither do you, then you're looking at a foreclosure, and you do NOT want that on your record. Plus, any equity in the property will likely be wiped out in a sheriff sale. That potentially affects both of your assets, and the financial settlement. I don't know what the situation with the property is (i.e., do you have equity in it), but I'd be careful about letting that house go if your soon to be ex has a "barracuda attorney." You might want to think about paying her half if she doesn't, assuming that's possible.

There is some equity. Enough that the banks would be likely to strike a deal and get most, if not all, of the loan back. She insists that the house is worth a certain amount, not taking into account the appraisal at much less. It's somewhere in between.

2) I'd also be careful about paying your bills with your share of the proceeds of the home sale. Good topic to discuss with your attorney.

A certain amount is currently in escrow.

3) You might want to consider giving her a one time settlement offer comprised mainly of the proceeds of the property sale, as full and final spousal support. I don't know about Florida, but here in Colorado, if you mutually agree on alimony, it becomes "contractual" and cannot be changed. Therefore, if your settlement agreement was to give her X dollars from the home sale, and that's all, then she can't take you back to court ever again. With a BPDx, that's not a bad position to be in. Again, this is in Colorado - not sure how your state works, but it's worth discussing with your attorney. If I could have just written a check to my ex and never had to deal with her financial demands ever again, I'd have overpaid to do it. It's WORTH it, because a BPD WILL use money to draw you back into her drama.

Child support can't be waived in Florida. It's a complex formula where you input the net income of both parents, number of overnights, a few other costs and it spits out a number. Marriage under 7 years = no alimony. As far as the rest goes, she was looking at a substantial payout until she got greedy. I was willing to stroke the big check even with child support, but not if the child support puts me in the campground.

Your issues were situational, not internal issues like hers. rolleyes  Also, convincing you to take meds was a way (1) to make you look like you had a problem and (2) to keep you compliant and off-balance

Truer words never spoken... .