Getting Married... Do I invite BPD Mom?

[jkleinpeter]

Hi Everyone,

I'm looking for a little feedback because I'm not really sure what to do. Things in my life have been going great... . I am one semester away from graduating nursing school, I am getting married in June and we want to start building our own family. I'm more stable in my life now than I have ever been and I am in such a great place. Overall, I'm not really angry at my mother any more. I think I have forgiven her for everything but I have chosen to not have her in my life and it's been like that for a couple of years. Most of the time I don't even think about her.

Lately though and I think it's because the wedding is coming up I have started having second thoughts about not inviting her. I don't even know if she knows I am getting married. It's been a little tough doing things like dress shopping and planning the wedding without having my mom there but I've been doing pretty good with it. A little crying here and there but no major meltdowns. Part of me wants her know how well my life has turned out, I want her to see me in my wedding dress and watch me get married. The other (perhaps more sensible part of me) worries that if she comes to my wedding she'll make it all about her. Plus she has ruined every big event in my life. I selfishly want to keep this for my own. So do I send an invite? Do I call and tell her I'm getting married? Or just leave it alone and celebrate without her?

Any insight would be super helpful... .

Thanks,

JK

[Cassy]

Send an invite to the wrong address. When it gets returned, pop it in a new envelope, apologize and send it again very close to the wedding date. Hopefully she won't be able to make it on such short notice.

If she does say she's going, then make sure you'll be occupied and too busy to engage her. Don't allow her anywhere near you before the ceremony and get some good friends to keep her busy during the reception.

She will ruin it. She will make it all about her. It's tough trying to choose between guilt and the nastiness you know you're inviting in.

I wouldn't allow mother to drink at my wedding. I have warned her within an inch of her life to behave. Months/years later I found out she actually went from table to table to table and told my friends, "Cassy won't let me have a drink. What do you think of that?" Then she went to my bio father (her ex) and told him to take his two children (my siblings, about10 and 12 at the time) home. Le sigh.

[P.F.Change]

Hi there, jkleinpeter,

Congratulations on your upcoming graduation and wedding. That sounds really exciting (and probably more than a little stressful). I can understand why you are considering whether to invite your mother. Since you know her best, and you best, only you can decide what feels best to you.

I don't think it would be wrong to invite your mother if you would like to include her. I also don't think it would be wrong not to, since she has not been a part of your life in a long time. You probably have good reasons for feeling anxious about her acting out; still, having a good sense of your boundaries and Wise Mind can help you enjoy your day whether she comes or not, or behaves perfectly or not. There are solutions that can help mitigate any potential acting-out, such as assigning someone to keep an eye on her so that you can relax. To me it sounds healthy that you can consider inviting your mother as a guest to your wedding.

What would feel best to you?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[BabeRuthless]

Jkleinpeter: So happy you're in a good place and have a loving future to look forward to. I agree with elements of both responses above... . Part of me thinks it's great that you feel confident and peaceful enough to invite your mom to your special day, and the other part is saying, "Watch out."

My experience: When I remarried five years ago after my first husband died, my uBPD mother tried to take over my wedding. She attempted to use the event to introduce her two groups of half-siblings that had never met. She spent three times on her outfit what I did on my wedding dress   She hand-made beautiful favors to give my friends and attendants at a lunch I invited them to... . and made sure everyone knew whose artistry it was and how talented she is. At my twin sister's wedding years ago, she drank too much and mounted the podium to give unscheduled remarks. When my father, her ex-husband, got remarried for the second time, she also overimbibed and tried to "give him away." And this after SHE had asked his new wife to marry "us... . "   

These details aren't to be scary, just to give perspective. I was not, then, in the confident place you are in now. And for your big day, you're talking about your mom's attendance, not planning/decision-making.

I regret that I wasn't able either to have my mother participate while setting firm boundaries, or to be at peace with her behavior, whatever it was. I wish I had been able to make the day MY day, as an adult, by doing one of these... . and not feel sucked into an old pattern. This is what I wish for you... . awareness and choice and joy. Hope it's a beautiful day!     

[HappyChappy]

I'm so please things are going well for you after a long period of NC. But if NC is working, why change it ? Please read this warning first. The theory goes, that BPD wants to be centre of attention on a day that isn't theirs. So they will be jealous of your day, they will try and sabotage or steal the day.

Before I realised BPD existed, I invited my BPD Mom to our wedding. She had been repeatedly telling everyone that she would never forgive my sis for not inviting her to her wedding. Which is the main reason I invited my BPD. However, her current chant is that my wedding wasn't important, my sis's was the important one, because of the mother girl thing. So my sacrifice - to cheer her up,  didn't work.

Also she invited my Narcisstic bro (GC) at the very last minute - despite express instructions that he was not invited. Under the pretence the photographer couldn't make it and my N Bro would take the photos. He then e-mailed us all digital photos - and one of the files had a virus attached that wiped my home computer out. My N Bro is a machine code computer programmer.

Worse still, when it came to signing the register - I wanted my none vampire Dad to sign, but somehow my bro signed in his place. We were caught up in the moment, so didn't fully twig. Also My Dad promised to pay for various things, and my BPD Ma stopped that - as it would make her GC jealous! Causing us a cash flow issue, as we hadn't budgeted for that. But in my defence, we had no idea at the time my Mom is BPD and Bro is a Covert N. Our special day was well and truely sabotarged by two Narcassists, and it annoys me to this day I let them. Instinct said - no don't let them come, but guilt and my BPD "I'll never forgive her... . " nag, came through. Dose anyone know how to change the names on the Wedding document ?

If you do invite a BPD – make sure you assign a minder to her, as you’ll be otherwise enguaged on the day. Be ready for a difficult situation on your big day.

[martillo]

DSS27 just got married about 6 weeks ago on a Monday morning about 10a (we are in US so this is an unusual date and time). I saw a Facebook post in the late afternoon from his girlfriend/new wife's dad about ":)D has changed her name"  huh?  I called and asked uBPDh if DSS27 had gotten married and what I had seen mentioned on FB.  UBPDh said "No, of course not" but he called DSS27 and guess what?  He had gotten married and had done it this way so "he could plan his own wedding and have the type of wedding he wanted."  No one in uBPDh's family knew anything until we called and asked! 

Not gonna lie - it stings that he didn't at least let us know that he was planning on and getting married (I have been part of DSS's life since he was 4), but he did it his way - it didn't improve his relationship w uBPDh (his dad), but their relationship is already strained and it probably wouldn't have improved it if he had made a big announcement and invited us and made sure we sat in a place of honor and ... . so ultimately as long as DSS and new DD-in-law are good w it and happy - for me - that is what is important! 

So do what is going to work best for you and your fiancé!

[Tiredbride313]

Hi JK,

Congratulations on your graduation and upcoming marriage! What a great time in your life. :-) Planning a wedding is such an emotional time on its own without the turmoil of a BPD mother.

I was just married, and did not invite my uBPD mother and uNPD father to my wedding. They practically ruined my engagement with months of emotional abuse and manipulation in their obsessive need to control my life. We tried to involve them in the wedding planning process, but it became so stressful and exhausting. My mother made dress shopping so awful for me and my bridesmaids (she was rude and insulting to me and them), that we ended up going back and choosing dresses without her there.  After months of trying to compromise and work things out with them to no avail, even as late as 2 weeks before my wedding, I made the decision to exclude them completely from my wedding. My wedding day was wonderful - it was about me and my husband, and we were surrounded by our friends and family who were truly happy and supportive of us.

Ultimately, your wedding day is about you and your soon-to-be husband. It's such an important time in your life and you deserve to celebrate your special day in a way that is emotionally safe for you. Depending on how close you live to your mother distance-wise, could you try to test the waters first? It may be worth reaching out and offering to meet with her for lunch or coffee before you tell her about the wedding. If she agrees, this way you actually see her and spend some time with her in a neutral place and get a better sense of her state of mind and whether or not you think she can be at your wedding. If after seeing her, you decide to tell her about the wedding and invite her, I agree with the others here who suggested having a couple of people to watch her and reel her in if she starts to act out. That should not fall on you. If you decide you can't have her at your wedding, there is nothing to feel guilty about, although I know it's easier said than done. You're doing what's right for you.

Good luck with this - I know it's not easy, but you are not alone! Hang in there!

[Lily77]

Congrats on your upcoming wedding and graduation, JK! Very exciting times. Everyone's situation is a little different, but if you've been NC with your mother, I think I would recommend not getting her too involved in the wedding just based on personal experience.

I thought I'd share mine: when I got engaged, my mother and I were in contact, although we had just gotten over a longish period of NC. I called my mother to let her know I was engaged, and there was dead silence on the other line for a few seconds, followed by her saying "Oh look, it's the neighbor's dog!", I guess as a way to cover for her obvious disapproval/jealousy. She did finally congratulate me, but it was such an odd exchange. Foolishly, I included her in a lot of the wedding planning because she offered. My husband and I were on a very small budget and it was going to be a small, casual wedding, so my mother helped me make my dress, do the catering and even the flowers. I appreciated the help, but it caused a lot of tension at the same time. I was over-ruled on some of the design details of my gown and I was constantly being pressured by her to increase our budget to do x,y, and z. When I would tell her I couldn't, she would say things like "Why is H being so cheap?", etc.

The icing on the cake, however, was when a few weeks before the wedding I casually mentioned that I was going to ask one of my close friends to attend (originally it was just going to be family, but my H was going to invite a close friend.) She threw a fit! She claimed this friend had "been talking about her all over town" and "was a snot" and on and on. To this day, I can't figure out what set this off. She then said, "well, you can decide whether you want your mother or your friend to attend, because I'm not coming to the wedding if she does" and then guilted me for not recognizing how hurtful this was to her after all she had done for the wedding. This was less than 2.5 weeks before the wedding when she pulled this stunt: my gown wasn't finished, I had no plan B for the food, etc and couldn't do it all myself. Because I had so foolishly gotten her involved so closely with the planning, my husband and I were scrambling to come up with alternatives and were almost thinking of calling the whole thing off and eloping. Instead, I apologized.  This was before I knew what BPD was and how she was playing games with me. The wedding turned out fine and she was on good behavior then, but the whole incident still makes me queasy.

[BabeRuthless]

JK: Just remembered one more detail of my own experience that may be relevant.

When I got engaged and was planning my wedding after my first wonderful husband died, I asked my father-in-law to escort me down the aisle toward my groom. My uBPD mother insisted that her husband, my stepfather, be allowed to join in, or they would be hurt and insulted (after everything they had done for me over years).

Ultimately, I "given away" (at age 43 LOL) by not one but four gentlemen... . FIL, stepfather, bio dad (this is a whole other story), and my BPD-feature twin sister's husband. While the event was lovely, I still feel sad and regretful that I caved in to my mother's pressure and felt I had to accommodate everyone's emotional needs but my own.

I didn't know then what BPD was and wish I had.

[Miki Da Shrew]

When I married my husband last year, I invited my dad, but not my mother (they're divorced); I didn't invite any of my brothers, either, because they are still deeply emeshed with her, and have a bad habit of enacting her own sabotage plans. Later I learned that my dad had talked to my baby brother about my impending marriage, and Baby Bro immediately reported to Mother, who in turn sent a threatening email to her entire family warning that if any of them attended my wedding, they'd be 'divorced' from her forever. Fortunately, they weren't invited, either.

It's been nearly twenty years since I told my mother that I could no longer have her in my life, and there have been many times when I have wished that things with her were 'normal' or safe, but then I remind myself that they never were, and that's okay. I knew going in to my own wedding that having her there was NOT an option; there was no way that I would give her the opportunity to destroy this day for us. But I did make the effort to include her.

We had 400 guests, and it went off without a hitch--no drama! Our wedding march was her favourite hymn. And I sent photos to her after the wedding via email (no notes or explanation, just photos) along with a copy of the sermon from the priest, and an article that was later written about it for a magazine. That's as comfortable/close as I can be with the woman who feared for years that I would write a "Mommy Dearest" book about her and "ruin her life."

You do what is best for you, and don't worry about her. If you have any doubts, let common sense guide you, and let happiness and peace rule your conscience, not worry over her.

[Sunnys Blues]

Lately though and I think it's because the wedding is coming up I have started having second thoughts about not inviting her. I don't even know if she knows I am getting married. It's been a little tough doing things like dress shopping and planning the wedding without having my mom there but I've been doing pretty good with it. A little crying here and there but no major meltdowns. Part of me wants her know how well my life has turned out, I want her to see me in my wedding dress and watch me get married. The other (perhaps more sensible part of me) worries that if she comes to my wedding she'll make it all about her. Plus she has ruined every big event in my life. I selfishly want to keep this for my own. So do I send an invite? Do I call and tell her I'm getting married? Or just leave it alone and celebrate without her?

Any insight would be super helpful... .

Thanks,

JK

Congrats on all the WONDERFUL things you have going on in your life!  I would suggest, a wedding is not the time to try to establish a relationship. My reasoning is this- I went to the wedding of a coworker with a BPD mom. Her mom was in and out of her life- in just enough to make her think the mom-daughter relationship was going well, and out enough to have my coworker wondering "what did she do" to make her mom go away. Her mom showed up at the wedding, and like a typical BPD, proceeded to try to make the day about HER. My coworker spent the better part of her special day crying, as the police hauled her mother out. Her mother decided to hit the bartender.

I remarried two years ago. Part of me wanted to have my mom there- I'm glad I didn't. I was able to make my marriage about my hubby and myself.

Don't risk your special day. The people who should be happy you are doing so well, in spite of anything they've done for you, never take it that way.

[Sunnys Blues]

We had 400 guests, and it went off without a hitch--no drama! Our wedding march was her favourite hymn. And I sent photos to her after the wedding via email (no notes or explanation, just photos) along with a copy of the sermon from the priest, and an article that was later written about it for a magazine. That's as comfortable/close as I can be with the woman who feared for years that I would write a "Mommy Dearest" book about her and "ruin her life."

I have to say, I LOVE that you sent her pictures of the wedding! 

[Sunnys Blues]

Send an invite to the wrong address. When it gets returned, pop it in a new envelope, apologize and send it again very close to the wedding date. Hopefully she won't be able to make it on such short notice.

Ooh, I'm tucking this idea into my head... . it will work perfect for the folks I sorta want to invite to things, but not really... .

[P.F.Change]

Send an invite to the wrong address. When it gets returned, pop it in a new envelope, apologize and send it again very close to the wedding date. Hopefully she won't be able to make it on such short notice.

Ooh, I'm tucking this idea into my head... . it will work perfect for the folks I sorta want to invite to things, but not really... .

Honestly, that strategy is quite passive-aggressive. To me it also seems like kind of a lot of trouble to go to just to avoid having a confrontation. While I can understand how difficult it can be, personally, I'd recommend considering more mature alternatives.

How are things going, jkleinpeter? Your wedding must be coming up pretty soon.