Big week, so I'm back to this board...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

As I posted yesterday, I'm about 180 days out of my 3 year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I have come to know and appreciate that healing and detachment is a process that you can't rush.  It is different for everyone.  I encountered a pretty big trigger this last weekend that led me back to this board.  My stay may be short again, but I'm happy that it feels pretty natural and easy to come back when I need it. 

I was not married to my ex nor did we live together.  We have been living on the same street for a couple years and that has maintained since our early Dec b/u.  She rents and I own.  It has been difficult to maintain n/c with several attempts by her to break it.  I have cut-off completely from her and her three young kids (d11, s9 and s7).  Had a r/s with the kids and it has been difficult to say the least being so close.  It is just not healthy for me to have any interaction with the kids based on how close we all live.  My ex gf regularly used the kids during the r/s to manipulate me and continued after the b/u.  The good news is that her and her kids are moving this weekend.  I don't know where to, but anywhere away from my street is healthier for all than the current situation.  So, this is big week.

Not coincidentally, I received a voicemail on my cell from my ex gf’s good friend and child care provider.  She stated that the my ex's kids have been struggling with the upcoming move and the loss of me in their lives.  She asked that I meet with her and the kids this week to help them with closure and to tell them that I am still their friend.  She ended the message by saying “I know your really care for the kids and will understand how important this is to them”.  I called her back and told her that yes I always cared about the kids, and stated that I’m in a very good and healthy place in my life and was declining her invitation to meet with her and the kids.  She pushed and said “I just don’t understand how you can cut-off from the children”.  I said to her calmly that after leaving the relationship, I came to understand just how unhealthy and abusive it was for me.  I have closed the door to ever having that in my life again.  I wished her good luck and wished the best for everyone.  I ended the call by stating, as I did in the past, that I will accept no further attempts at communication or interaction.  She said she understood and the call ended. 

Heavy stuff!  I could have ignored the message, but chose to call the person back because I thought it was the right thing to do and for my own closure.  The door is closed, locked and sealed shut of any future contact with my ex gf and her kids.  Sad but the situation is so toxic that I won't allow myself to participate at any level.  I am human though, and hearing that the kids are struggling and knowing that there is no way to have any kind of healthy contact with them has affected me.  The sick thing is that this is most likely a well contrived attempt by my ex to use the kids to get some interaction going.  It sucks that I have to even go there in my mind, but my T and my "inner circle" of supporters all feel the same way.  That's why I'm back on the board.  My life is truly going well and I feel blessed for each new day.  I will protect that with all my will! 

So, I'll end with a question: how do you deal with these large or small disruptions as you are getting further and further out from the r/s?  I'm talking more from an "inner peace" standpoint.  This hasn't rocked me, but again I'm human and don't want to hide from my feelings.  Thanks!

[Madison66]

As I posted yesterday, I'm about 180 days out of my 3 year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I have come to know and appreciate that healing and detachment is a process that you can't rush.  It is different for everyone.  I encountered a pretty big trigger this last weekend that led me back to this board.  My stay may be short again, but I'm happy that it feels pretty natural and easy to come back when I need it. 

I was not married to my ex nor did we live together.  We have been living on the same street for a couple years and that has maintained since our early Dec b/u.  She rents and I own.  It has been difficult to maintain n/c with several attempts by her to break it.  I have cut-off completely from her and her three young kids (d11, s9 and s7).  Had a r/s with the kids and it has been difficult to say the least being so close.  It is just not healthy for me to have any interaction with the kids based on how close we all live.  My ex gf regularly used the kids during the r/s to manipulate me and continued after the b/u.  The good news is that her and her kids are moving this weekend.  I don't know where to, but anywhere away from my street is healthier for all than the current situation.  So, this is big week.

Not coincidentally, I received a voicemail on my cell from my ex gf’s good friend and child care provider.  She stated that the my ex's kids have been struggling with the upcoming move and the loss of me in their lives.  She asked that I meet with her and the kids this week to help them with closure and to tell them that I am still their friend.  She ended the message by saying “I know your really care for the kids and will understand how important this is to them”.  I called her back and told her that yes I always cared about the kids, and stated that I’m in a very good and healthy place in my life and was declining her invitation to meet with her and the kids.  She pushed and said “I just don’t understand how you can cut-off from the children”.  I said to her calmly that after leaving the relationship, I came to understand just how unhealthy and abusive it was for me.  I have closed the door to ever having that in my life again.  I wished her good luck and wished the best for everyone.  I ended the call by stating, as I did in the past, that I will accept no further attempts at communication or interaction.  She said she understood and the call ended. 

Heavy stuff!  I could have ignored the message, but chose to call the person back because I thought it was the right thing to do and for my own closure.  The door is closed, locked and sealed shut of any future contact with my ex gf and her kids.  Sad but the situation is so toxic that I won't allow myself to participate at any level.  I am human though, and hearing that the kids are struggling and knowing that there is no way to have any kind of healthy contact with them has affected me.  The sick thing is that this is most likely a well contrived attempt by my ex to use the kids to get some interaction going.  It sucks that I have to even go there in my mind, but my T and my "inner circle" of supporters all feel the same way.  That's why I'm back on the board.  My life is truly going well and I feel blessed for each new day.  I will protect that with all my will! 

So, I'll end with a question: how do you deal with these large or small disruptions as you are getting further and further out from the r/s?  I'm talking more from an "inner peace" standpoint.  This hasn't rocked me, but again I'm human and don't want to hide from my feelings.  Thanks!

[Tincup]

HI Madison, I am in a very similar position as you are.  I think from an inner peace point of view I do just the same thing you are doing.  I will not allow any contact from her as I know it will rock me a bit (even now).  I realize now the amount of stress that I was under, and want NO parts of that now.  So from an inner peace point of view I will not "play the game" anymore.  Meaning we all know Madison that the kids was just a ploy to have contact with you.  You handled it in a way that was healthy for you, and therefore did not play the game.

Congrats to you!

[Madison66]

Thanks for your feedback, Tincup!