Suicide msg what do I do

[Dolly rocker]

Ok guys,

I just got a msg from him saying he wants to commit suicide. I did reply asking why. He won't give me details. Just keeps asking me over and over to go and see him or else it's over.

Never had been in this situation before. So I'm in the dark as what to do.

Shd I contact his brother?

[redbaron5]

The proper course of action anytime someone is threatening to kill themselves is to call the police. Explain to them the message you got and where you believe the persons location to be.   

One the BPD side of things he is using this as a tactic to manipulate your emotions, this is an extremely cruel and unfair thing to do to another human being.  That being said you should not ignore it and just call the police.  Two things will happen, the authorities will make sure he is alrihgt and he will get a wake up call to not use this tactic on you again.

[seeking balance]

The proper course of action anytime someone is threatening to kill themselves is to call the police. Explain to them the message you got and where you believe the persons location to be.

This is correct

Dolly, you could also call his brother as well as his family should be aware.  But, proper help is needed for him whether he intends to do it or not, once the threat is made, professional services are necessary.

Are you ok?

[Dolly rocker]

Thank u guys!

I guess people who really want to commit suicide don't ask for help, they just do it don't they?

I might contact his brother for peace of mind.

No I'm not ok. I'm over stressed out. I'm an air hostess and every year I have to do a refreshment course that lasts 3 days. We have exams, we have tests to do, it's a pass or fail thing. If say it's the most stressful 3 days of my year. And last year he dumped me on my refreshment. This year he's doing it again.

I don't know how I managed to pass last year. And now I have to deal with this. So unfair!

Thanks everyone. You're more than family in some ways!

[Rapt Reader]

Dolly rocker, we do have some information for those of us in a situation like yours, that might be good for you to review since this is a reoccurring issue (use what is relevant to your specific situation):

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

redbaron5's suggestion to call an Emergency professional for help is very good, and you can find someone local to your loved one here: Emergency - Local Live Support Centers. If you know his brother, that wouldn't hurt, either.

When helping someone, remember:

1.  Take it seriously.

Myth: “The people who talk about it don't do it.” Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention.

Myth: “Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy.” Perhaps 10% of all suicidal people are psychotic or have delusional beliefs about reality. Most suicidal people suffer from the recognized mental illness of depression; but many depressed people adequately manage their daily affairs. The absence of “craziness” does not mean the absence of suicide risk.

“Those problems weren't enough to commit suicide over,” is often said by people who knew a completed suicide. You cannot assume that because you feel something is not worth being suicidal about, that the person you are with feels the same way. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it's hurting the person who has it.

2. Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help.

Myth: “If a someone is going to kill himself, nothing can stop him.” The fact that a person is still alive is sufficient proof that part of him wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent - part of him wants to live and part of him wants not so much death as he wants the pain to end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another “I feel suicidal.” If a suicidal person turns to you it is likely that he believes that you are more caring, more informed about coping with misfortune, and more willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and has a positive view of you.

3. Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later.

Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity. All textbooks on depression say it should be reached as soon as possible. Unfortunately, suicidal people are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain: being told they are stupid, foolish, sinful, or manipulative; rejection; punishment; suspension from school or job; written records of their condition; or involuntary commitment. You need to do everything you can to reduce pain, rather than increase or prolong it. Constructively involving yourself on the side of life as early as possible will reduce the risk of suicide.

4. Listen.

Give the person every opportunity to unburden his troubles and ventilate his feelings. You don't need to say much and there are no magic words. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it. Give him relief from being alone with his pain; let him know you are glad he turned to you. Patience, sympathy, acceptance. Avoid arguments and advice giving.

5. ASK: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”

Myth: “Talking about it may give someone the idea.” People already have the idea; suicide is constantly in the news media. If you ask a despairing person this question you are doing a good thing for them: you are showing him that you care about him, that you take him seriously, and that you are willing to let him share his pain with you. You are giving him further opportunity to discharge pent up and painful feelings. If the person is having thoughts of suicide, find out how far along his ideation has progressed.

6. If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave him alone.

If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave them alone  - drive the person to the nearest emergency department or other service facility. They may be hesitant - that is normal. The local suicide hotlines can advise you of the best facility.

If the situation is life threatening, or the person refuses to go for care, or you are unable to transport them, call 911.

Please do not use emergency medical services to teach anyone a lesson.

If the means are present, try to get rid of them. Detoxify the home.

7. Urge professional help.

If someone is acting suicidal or talking of suicide, it is vitally important to get them into professional care at the first signs. Like many disorders, early detection and treatment yields better outcomes. Persistence and patience may be needed to seek, engage and continue with as many options as possible. In any referral situation, let the person know you care and want to maintain contact.

8. From crisis to recovery.

Most people have suicidal thoughts or feelings at some point in their lives; yet less than 2% of all deaths are suicides. Nearly all suicidal people suffer from conditions that will pass with time or with the assistance of a recovery program. There are hundreds of modest steps we can take to improve our response to the suicidal and to make it easier for them to seek help. Taking these modest steps can save many lives and reduce a great deal of human suffering.

The advice you've been given by the other posters has been on target 

[seeking balance]

Thank u guys!

I guess people who really want to commit suicide don't ask for help, they just do it don't they?

I might contact his brother for peace of mind.

No I'm not ok. I'm over stressed out. I'm an air hostess and every year I have to do a refreshment course that lasts 3 days. We have exams, we have tests to do, it's a pass or fail thing. If say it's the most stressful 3 days of my year. And last year he dumped me on my refreshment. This year he's doing it again.

I don't know how I managed to pass last year. And now I have to deal with this. So unfair!

Thanks everyone. You're more than family in some ways!

Call 911 for him

Contact his brother for your own peace of mind

Let go and focus on your stuff - it is hard, (I know) but your life is important and once you contact those other 2 for him, that really is all you can do.  It is unfair that he is interfering in an already stressful time, but since it has happened and you handle it by contacting authorities and not letting him see you worked up, you are changing the cycle.

Hang in there 

SB

[Dolly rocker]

Thank u so much, Seeking Balance! Your message has helped me a great deal!   

[WalrusGumboot]

Dolly, you got great advice and don't have anything to add but a personal experience.

My exBPDw often vocalized her death wishes. She wanted to run her car into a tree was the most frequent. Twice she locked herself in a room with her handgun, and both times I had to talk her out of it. The people on this board kept saying call 911, but I imagined her getting taken to a psychiatric hospital in which I would never hear the end of once she got out.

However, the next time she took a gun into the bathroom and was pondering using it, I turned and walked outside and called 911. Soon there were 3 sheriff squad cars in our driveway. This startled her and she lied to the police and said it was her phone in her hand. I heard her say this, and I told the officer that was talking to me that it "might have been".

After they left, yes, we got in a big fight but she knew the game with me was over and that I meant business. She never did it again.

Good luck!

[seeking balance]

Thank u so much, Seeking Balance! Your message has helped me a great deal!   

you are welcome - take care of you in all this

[Dolly rocker]

Thank you WalrusGumboot!

I could relate to u, if it wasn't for the fact that my exBPD was terrified of death and dying. If I mentioned the word "dead" even if for a joke, he would freak out. So it came as a big shock to hear him talking about suicide.

Hes rang me and I answered, he seemed to be in a crazy obsessive state. Saying he NEEDED to see me at all costs tonight. and that it HAD to be tonight. And I should know that when he wants things he NEEDS to get them somehow. He said I had to come to see him, and then it would be it, we would be together for life. It freaked me out. He was speaking kinda slowly (prob drunk) and then he would cry out of the blue during the convo. Very freaky conversation. 

But at least I know he was only seeking attention!

[Boss302]

Thank you WalrusGumboot!

I could relate to u, if it wasn't for the fact that my exBPD was terrified of death and dying. If I mentioned the word "dead" even if for a joke, he would freak out. So it came as a big shock to hear him talking about suicide.

Not shocking at all with a BPD sufferer. This is a common behavior.

My BPDx called me out of the blue one day and said she needed me to take her to the hospital because she wanted to kill herself. So, like the nice guy I am, I went and picked her up. I asked her what was going on, and she said she was being evicted. Turns out it was happening that day. So, the "cry for help" was actually a manipulation - she figured no one would evict her while she was in the hospital, the poor thing. 

Wrong! Oh, yes, they will. And they did.

At the time, she had full custody of the kids, and all their stuff was in her house, which wasn't even remotely packed up. It was February and we had six inches of snow on the ground. The kids needed their clothes and their winter stuff. So I turned back to her place, and told her to get the kids' stuff ready to go, and after I dropped her off, I called the cops to do a welfare check on her.

So, in this case, no one was going to commit suicide - it was all just a ploy to keep from getting thrown out of her home. But do keep in mind that these folks DO have a much higher suicide rate than normal, so the best approach is to simply get the authorities involved.

You have to accept that you can't control someone else's actions (particularly a BPD sufferer - that's like trying to channel a tornado). So, if you've done what's appropriate (i.e., taking the threat seriously and calling the cops), then your conscience should be clear.

[Ihope2]

This is a horrible, horrible thing to have to bear, Dolly rocker.  I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago. My soon to be exBPDh had moved out of the house, and I did not know his exact whereabouts. But he emailled a "goodbye" suicidal email to me, and even attached a photo of himself in a sad pose.

He said he was posting the last of his things to me, a few trinkets for me to remember him by. 

This  was the most awful week of my life.  I could not sleep at night.  But I did not reply to his email.  I did not have any other means of contacting him, and I did not know his whereabouts, so I could not phone the police where-ever he was.

I get incredibly angry and sad for them at the same time, that people with BPD resort to such extreme emotional manipulation in their attempt to feel better, feel noticed, feel heard and acknowledged.  And it is entirely on their own terms.  To me it is as if they break the most fundamental moral code that human beings have - do not hold someone else emotional hostage by threatening to kill yourself "on their watch". 

He then after the fact, a week later, again sent me an email to inform me that he had failed at his overdose attempt.  He told me exactly how many pills of which type he had swallowed.  Again, I did not acknowledge his email.

For now, he has remained No Contact and should he contact me again with suicide talk, again he will be met with silence from me.

All the best to you. This is a terrible thing to have to deal with.  It is very traumatising and unsettling.  Perhaps you could talk to a therapist about it just to get some support for yourself at this stage?