I hope you don't mind my asking this from the co-parenting board, but do you ever remember just going ahead and believing your BPD parent's recreations? I ask this because my stepkids cite all of the BS recreations that their BPD mom tells them as if they can't even use their own critical thinking. And they are teens…not young kids.
Two examples:
DSD stating that BPD mom did not live in same town as her and dad for a nine month period that BPD mom did indeed live close by. BPD mom was not that involved in her life at that time, and DSD almost had me convinced I was losing it because I remembered that BPD mom lived close to us. BPD mom had been telling DSD otherwise, and it was like DSD just started believing it (she was 12 at the time BPD mom lived in same city so again, not THAT young).
The kids all three (14, 16, and 17) all telling DH that DH and BPD mom used to get along so well that they would go out to eat all the time during the exchanges. :)H said that they went out to eat TWICE in 9 years after exchanges, but it is clear that BPD mom is telling the kids that all was peachy until I came into the picture. And they seem to be buying this recreationist history... .
I have experienced seeing this to with my SO's daughters and have tried to understand it too. Why do they believe all the lies? Is it because they are too young to understand? (13 & 17) Is it just easier to go along with it? Is their uBPD mom so convincing? Are they punished for disagreement? Do they truly believe? Do they want to believe because the lie is so appealing/something they desperately want?
The other part of this dynamic is that for a long time (both during the marriage and sometime after) my SO would try to protect his daughters from the disappointment of these lies. He would try to make them come true if it was in his power and uBPD mom would use him to do it. She'd push the "you're a bad dad" button. She would come up with some "super fantastic!" thing to do and tell one of the girls she'd do that for them and then call SO and tell him the kids reallllllly want to do this! (Like it was their idea) She would then expect him to pay for it and transport them. (uBPDex doesn't have a car or drive).
Over time my SO has learned to detach more and more from his ex. and has realized that these are
her promises to the girls and even though his daughters are bound to be disappointed and hurt he no longer gets involved.
Example: uBPDex calls SO... . D13 wants to take dance class! It will be really great for her and she really wants to go! It's Thursday evenings (SO's custody of D13) and costs "xyz" and she'll need a ride. (My representation may even be more direct than hers - uBPDex doesn't usually directly express what she wants... . always a guessing game)
My SO gives permission for D13 to go (on a night that is his) but since this was uBPDex's idea and she planned with the daughter it will be her responsibility to pay for the class and make arrangements to get her there and back... . parallel parenting at work! Daughter unfortunately got to only 1 dance class.
The ex lets them down over and over and it is painful to watch... . but it is teaching the girls some lessons however I still think that they want to believe their mom and are hopeful when she makes promises. My SO for his part is realistic and truthful so the kids have one good model and the younger daughter has vented some frustration about her mom breaking promises (which I think is good). The older daughter is learning to ask her mom for confirmation on things when she can (also good).
Dealing with BPD is so tricky.
I also want to say how much I appreciate hearing from all of the children of BPD parents as a stepmom your insights are so valuable to me it helps me to understand where my SO's children are coming from. Know that your voices are important and are heard
