Does he actually believe / convinced himself he didn't do it?

[Witchway]

Hi,

The 12 month relationship ended last October, initially LC. On New Years eve I received a message off him asking what I was doing for the evening and could he come round for a drink (I thought we could be friends  ). I agreed but told him I was not seeing in the New Year, was having an early night, and that he would have to leave early. He arrived and I had a can of Guinness with him, my son and his g/friend. They left and I had another can of Guinness. After that ex said he'd make a Baileys coffee for both of us, drink it, then go.

I finished my coffee then things got weird. I knew I had been spiked. I told him so, he wouldn't look at me and changed the subject. I could feel myself reacting to the music and knew, on occasions he 'self-medicated' with MDMA. The obvious conclusion, taking into account how I was feeling, was that it MDMA I had been spiked with. I mentioned again that I felt like I had been spiked and that he needed to go. However he just told me I'd had too much to drink, don't accuse him for it, stop worrying and just chill! Made it out like I was being over anxious and a b**ch for even thinking he'd done it.

At this point I was trying not to panic... . I wanted him out. I tried to roll a cigarette and found I couldn't move my thumbs. At this point the panic overwhelmed me, I cried out 'i'm really f***ing ill, I can't move my hands. All I had in my head was 'rohypnol' and how the hell do I get him out of my house.'

I shouted at him to get out... . not in million years thinking he would actually go. Consider this... . A 'friend' suddenly tells you they're ill and can't move their hands and you have to go. Would you? He did. He got up and left without a word! I was so shocked and so relieved both at the same time. Rang my son who came round and I was up till 5 the next morning.

ExBPD turned up at mine the next day to ask if I was better ! I didn't let him in the house and confronted him and he told me 'I was drunk, it was all in my head, I'm deranged, I need help.' He got mad and as he was driving off screamed at me that 'I was a 'bi**ch and he couldn't believe I'd accuse him of this.' 

NC since then, apart from a Birthday Greeting off him and other attempts at recycling. Anyway I kept quiet about it, apart from from close, trusted friends. Three days ago I met a friend of his who told me the things the exBPD had been saying about me (I am very Black) so... . I gave him the low down, told him exactly what his friend is capable of.

Culmination of all this was a text today. 'Why are you spreading rumours that aren't true you asked for mdma I did not spike you.' what the heck ! That's my question - Has he really convinced himself I asked for MDMA? Or deep down does he know the truth? I was doing so well and this has just thrown me. I've previously come to the conclusion he spiked me hoping I'd feel the love (MDMA thing), we'd see New Year in together, and the recycle would be complete. Back fired on him somewhat... . this was the proverbial final nail in the coffin.

[Mutt]

It's frightening and scary what you went through, you are drugged and losing control of your senses and body you feel violated. I'm so sorry

Unfortunately yes, he truly believes this. It is a mental illness with defense mechanisms. Some pwBPD are more self aware than others but he doesn't realize that the problem is coming from him and he really believes that it's from the people around him. It's projection, we all do it subconsciously but a pwBPD do this to the extreme. It's taking a negative emotion, trait or action and attributing it to someone else.

If you are interested I would suggest watching this video by AJ Mahari on YouTube. She is a recovered BPD, both parents were BPD, and after she had recovered, she had a r/s with a BPD. She's seen both sides and is very articulate what it is like to be the loved one and what it's like when you are the non borderline and explains BPD projection well in the video.

Devaluation Projection and Lack of Trust in Borderline Personality

[MustangMan]

I know its hard, but to achieve NC you must not talk about your r/s with BPD at all with shared friends.   I had the same issue with my BPDex.  I was talking on the situation with common friends during NC, but even if I asked for the conversations to stay confidential, my BPDex was always finding out somehow about what I said.  My advice would be to discuss the BPD issue only with therapist, support groups or other people that could not relay the information to your BPDex, this way to achieve true and consistent no-contact.  If this person tries to spike your drinks, call the police immediately.  You should not allow any criminal behavior towards you whatsoever, cause if you don't clearly put boundaries, the BPD will continue its bad behaviors.

[Witchway]

Thank you Mutt, I did watch the video but need to re-watch. It's not sinking in at the moment.

Munstang Man, it's the word 'Criminal' that is making me feel sick now. Because your're right... . that is what it is and I could have gone to the police, should have. . I question my inability to do this. The thing is they get you doubting yourself that much that it was not until 3 months after the fact that I stopped asking my son 'was I spiked, did I look like I'd been spiked?' Always questioning yourself.

And it is hard to walk away when all you want to do is defend yourself. I didn't deserve this treatment and just had to say something. I now know I shouldn't... . but then I think he got away as far as the law was concerned... . how does he not know that and just carry on with his manipulative behaviour? Aaargh!

I am off to work now(at least it'll take my mind off it) but will come back tonight and re-watch the video. I answered the text 'You know the truth.' Which... . the text does show he is at least now admitting I was under the influence of something and it wasn't ALL in my head. No answer to the text as yet.

Thanks again for the replies.

[Red Sky]

 

It sounds like you have had a very scary time with a lot of uncertainty. It is difficult enough to deal with the distorted perceptions which come from dealing with a BPD relationship without adding this into the mix. I would agree with MustangMan that it sounds like a good idea to try and avoid all contact if you can.

Lately I have also been facing up to the fact that I let a relationship continue on (for years!) without ever admitting to myself that it was abusive. The first time the word 'abusive' pinged in my consciousness, I absolutely had that sick feeling you describe, I knew 100% that I should have stopped it going on, years before I did anything. But what's done is done and thankfully you have walked away, and it sounds like you're not going to let the relationship recycle, so I guess that things get better from here. As for the anger which comes with the knowledge that you were taken advantage of in really unacceptable ways, I'm going to quote this post from the other day which really helped me. Tausk is awesome,

I often wish bad things for them... . How do I find relief?  How do I not become bitter?  I do not become consumed with resentment, anger and the desire for revenge.   I do my best to avoid these emotions and bitterness, because:

1.  I know that she's still the same person.  She didn't magically become whole.  She's still the terrified three-year old who lives in a pure nightmare about a world that she doesn't understand and honestly believes is meant to torture and abuse her.

I know this for a fact.  So I pity her, feel compassion for her.

2.  I find my integrity by saying, if I really loved her like I said I did, then I would want the best for her unconditionally.   Unconditionally... . even if came at the cost of my shame and pain.

So I try and pray for the best for her and her husband.  I do it for me, and my integrity and self worth.  I do it because I know that we were f'cked up and destructive.  And that being apart is actually the best thing that happened for me with my ex.

And I try and wish her the best, because I know that she's terrified, virtually every second of every moment.  I wanted to rescue her from that horrific terror.  And I thought that if I was able to rescue her from her terror, that would rescue me and my family from the terror we endured when I was a child.  I thought by rescuing her from her terror;  me, my family and my ex  would feel safe in the past, present and future.

But her terror is beyond rescue and my past is my past... . Maybe the Disorder will have minimal damage.  But I know that happiness and love are not possible for her.   The Disorder always wins.

T

[Witchway]

Hi RedSky sorry to hear about your experience and thanks for the post from Tausk.

I am feeling a lot calmer today and have been able to read and digest the posts and resources. They really help.

I received a text and it simply said 'all I know is i see **** and get told i'm a druggie thanks'

I will not answer it and will remain NC... . as of. Also if I do ever happen to run into a friend of his I will say nothing. Zilch.

Thank you.   

[Red Sky]

Glad to hear you're feeling calmer and keeping NC. Keep posting, we are always happy to listen!