smoking weed in her room

[jellibeans]

It is summer and my dd16 seems to fall apart a bit during this time. I really think it is the lack of structure in her life and for the most part it is her struggles with friends. My dd16 ended yet another friendship recently and that is a bit trigger for her. Although she has started running again sporacially she really has no schedule. She sleeps late and stays up late at night.

Last night she had a friend over to sleep. Late at night I went in because I thought I smelled smoke. When I went in her room the smoke was thick... .it really burned my eyes. I confronted dd16 with the fact I thought she was smoking and she of course said no she wasn't. I really spent very little time arguing something that was very obvious so I told her she was grounded and left.

She came to me a few minutes later to once again try and convince me she wasn't smoking cigarettes and I stood firm with my belief that she was smoking. Then she told me she wasn't smoking cigs but weed. So she wasn't lying to me when she told me she wasn't smoking cigs... .this is how her mind works and this is how she is able to justify her lies to me... .We then talked about why she was doing this etc... .

She confessed she was cutting again... .something I had not seen in some time. She told me she was struggling a great deal and it was due to her friendship ending and the hurtful things that her friend has said to her. She also told me that the firend she had roomed with at RTC had faked her death and was really alive. She was very upset about this because she really took it hard when she found out. I personally thought the whole story was weird and I could never find anything online about her death so I wasn't surprised but my dd16 was very surprised.

I have emailed her T and P to make them aware of what is going on but I really don't know how to help my dd. I am thinking she might need to go to her T more than once a week right now and I will ask her T about this. I have grounded her and she is going to help me clean the house today but I am not sure how to really deal with this infraction. I was calm through it all and we were able to have a good talk but I am concerned about my dd. Any advise would be helpful right now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[theplotthickens]

Hi jellibeans!

It sounds like your daughter is really feeling stressed.  We dealt wth the same thing last summer. When my dd loses a friend, or get bullied, she also turns to self-harm or drugs.  For the past year, she has turned to taking it out on me, which II am not sure is better or worse.  :/

I can tell you what we did last summer, not sure wether this will help you or not.

1) Got her in summer activities during the day.  It was mandatory, not optional.  She chose drama camps.

2) Started a job in the evenings/week-ends to keep her busy.

3) No more access to friends who use.  EVER. 

4) Loss of privacy, ie, door on bedroom.

5) Installed an alarm system, as she was sneaking out at night to get or use drugs.

6) Find strengths and positives to build on.  Too much focus on how sick she is, and what is wrong with her only causes her to identify as ill and contiinue the self-harm/victim cycle.

7) Indvidual DBT.  No access to treatment "friends."  Treatment friends are for treatment.  This is where she first started using drugs and where she learned new ideas for self-harm.  I suggest taking  a serious look at whether group therapy is helpful in adolescents, (not sure if that is applicable in your case.)


This worked for us!  I was so scared for her last summer, as she was sneaking out and using drugs that she got from her treatment buddies.  I felt like it was a crossroads for her.  Rather than increase mental health invervention, we decreased  it, and focused on getting better connections in the cummunity while cutting off her access to drugs.

This probably goes against conventional recs, but it worked for us.  I did not want to have her hooked on drugs on top of her mental health issues, so we really dug in on this one.

Be well and be blessed on your decisions!

[jellibeans]

Thanks theplotthickens

She has put applications in but has not gotten a job. I think she waited too late for this but maybe as the college kids go back to school she will get a job. I do think that would help.

She started running and I think she feels this is her activity but I do agree she needs more so I will sit with her and discuss something else.

My dd has only a handful of friends and no one that is really a close friend right now. I really don't know who is using either but I do think limiting her sleepovers might be a way to keep a better eye on her.

We have an alarm system and we have used it off and on but maybe we should start again. My H keeps turning it off because he is very sensitive to noise... .so much so that he mutes all commercials on the TV... .he really has a low tolerance so it is a battle for me to keep the alarm on.

She is not in her peer group counseling anymore... .I do think that is where she learned her eating disorders from. This weed thing was a real shock to me and to think she thought she could do this in her room. very bold and lets me know she really doesn't care about anyone right now but herself.

how is your dd doing right now? Is she still using drugs?

[theplotthickens]

Hi jellibeans!

Yes, she has not used drugs since last summer.  Oh, I forgot that I called the county when I found a stash in her room, and on the second strike I would call the police.

This is a battle I was bound and determined to win.  Her use was recreational and a coping strategy; not addiction (yet). 

They are so unhappy and empty - they always need something to fill it.  As I said, she is not on drugs, or self-harming so I guess that is a plus on the one hand.  On the other hand, she derives pleasure from inducing mental suffering on me, so she has switched to something else.

All things considered, I'll take the targeting me over the drug abuse and self-harm, if I am honest with you.  At 17, and with all her diagnoses, I am not under the illusion that she is going to be "well" anytime soon. 

It is so scary when they start in with drugs!  I would go to any lengths to cut that off, but there is a real possibility of ending up burned out also.  Which is where I am at.   I do think that my dd is doing well, other than in-home.  She has one positive female friend, and a positive boyfriend, so she has some support and friendship.

She starts a job on Tuesday.  She is not in the hospital, on drugs, or pregnant, so I suppose I should call it a Good Day.  LOL!

I would support you in going to any lengths to stop access to drugs, and get her some new coping strategies/reduce her stress.   I would tell her you will call the police if you find any drugs.  It sounds like your dd will use the coping strategies from DBT at times, is that right?

[jellibeans]

Do think my dd has used some coping skills tihs sumer but starting to paint. I have seen her do this often and I do think it helps her though she is very critical of her work.

My dd often mimicks and mirrors her friends she is with but I am not sure about the weed thing... .I have grounded her for now until I can think of a way to help her. I printed out the volunteer info for the animal shelter and they have oreintation this week so I will see if she goes. She knows it is expected of her. She recent went there with her friend so I know she has an interest but I am not sure she will follow through.

My dd I thought was doing pretty good for a time but the the cutting does concern me. I do think she SI when she has lost a friend or especially when she is trying to make a new friend... .or become more close with an existing friend. It is a pattern I have seen plenty.

[mama72]

Hi, jellibeans.

My DD was smoking pot in her room, too. You may remember my recent posts about her drug use? I still cannot believe I couldn't smell the pot smoke, but her substance abuse counselors said that kids who do drugs can be very innovative.

My DD finished an outpatient substance abuse program about 4 weeks ago, and I think she learned a lot. Can your daughter her enrolled in an out patient program? She has a full-time job this summer, and I think that helps keep her out of trouble. Having your DD get a job or volunteer would be extremely helpful, in my opinion. What about art classes or day camps for teens?

What struck me about your post, is that when my DD gets caught in a lie, she will often use her SI, depression and friend issues as a distraction from the trouble she is in. I have no doubt that these issues do exist to some extent, but she does use it for sympathy and I fall for it often. Do you know for sure your DD is self-harming? If she is, I wonder if she does need to see T more often?

[jellibeans]

yes mama72... .she is cutting and I saw the cuts on her upper leg when her shorts were pushed up. She is hiding this from me but she did admit she was cutting.

I have spoken with her today about the volunteering at the animal shelter and she has agreed to go to the orientation Wednesday. It was up to her but if she didn't go I told her her grounding was indefinite until I saw some change in her behavior. She seemed mad at first but now has found a friend to go with and all is good again.

I agree with you about using her disorder to get out of trouble... .I do get that but I also supsected she was struggling lately and sometime I feel she does things on purpose to get caught... .I do think it is her way of reaching out for help. She really has a way of doing something to get our attention... .smoking weed in our house is not something that would go unnoticed.

She sees her t on Wednesday and I am waiting to hear from her P as to how to go forward. I am not sure she is an addict really but I am not opposed to her getting help but at the same time that exposes her to more people that do drugs and I don't know if that is best.

[mama72]

She sees her t on Wednesday and I am waiting to hear from her P as to how to go forward. I am not sure she is an addict really but I am not opposed to her getting help but at the same time that exposes her to more people that do drugs and I don't know if that is best.

I hear you, jellibeans. I worried that my dd was just getting some new tips/contacts from the kids in her group, time will tell. I can see an improvement in my DD since the program, but it could be that I have done quite a bit of changing lately too? The substance abuse counselors said my daughter was not an addict and they do not like to peg teens as being addicts (sounds familiar!)

I asked my daughter what she found most valuable from the program. She said that negative thinking is habitual and that she needs to work on that, so she doesn't feel the need to numb the feelings that produce from that type of thinking. Also, that she needed to work on her self-esteem, which goes along with that negative thinking. She assured me that she would not do any more drugs in HS, but college is no guarantee.

I love the quote-

"It is not within my power to orchestrate the outcome... .I can only try to create opportunities"

I pray this was an opportunity that will help her have a safe and healthy life. It is up to her now.

Best of luck to you and your dd!

[peaceplease]

jellibeans,

It sounds like your dd is smoking to ease her pain.  And, perhaps she thought that she would get a pass for sympathy?  I don't know what type of consequence you would give for that.  I would guess grounding, too.

When I worked at psychiatric facility they encouraged parents not to allow their children to associate with peers once they were out of treatment.  Although, this day with all of the technology it is difficult to monitor all.  You can keep an eye on them, but you can't catch everything.  I can recall dropping my dd off to work and picking her up.  She would arrange to have a bf pick her up, during her so called shift.  She went out with him, and would be dropped off at work.  She worked at the mall, and I was none the wiser, then.