One ex that she DIDN'T paint black...

[Arminius]

My uBPDxgf , with hindsight, really did a hatchet job on one of her long term exes... . But not the other one.

My uBPDxgf was bisexual, her previous two long term partners were women. One of them, (1995-2001) was painted black to me as:

Controlling, wouldn't let her speak to family of friends, made her hand over her money, out her in debt, beat her, tried to drown her in a pool.

I seriously question now whether any of this is true.

Her next same sex partner (2001-2007) was and is a very nice person, undemanding, and not very sexual. My ex was able to walk all over her, by all accounts, and still has her in the 'friend zone' after all this time. My ex never tried to paint her black to me, except once when she said that she'd been upset by remarks made of the appearance of her female anatomy. I doubt that was true. Or if it was, it'd have been a passing remark with in ill-intent.

Me, ( 2007-2013) well, apparently I MADE her accrue large debts ($30k) because my successful business meant that she HAD to compete and spend like I did on holidays, trips etc ( she had a very good salary, with personal free cash of $3000 a month after paying her share of our house expenses, she had no car lease or other obligations, having free use of the truck, German sports car  and van I own)... .

I made her spend too much on gas because she 'had' to fill the tank anytime she drove one...

I also, apparently, treated her like a 'hooker' and any pleasure I gave her was 'for your own gratification' and I never once made love to her... . only 'f&&&ed her'

I made her changer her hair, clothes, makeup and taste in radio... . These people can take responsibility for nothing, it seems!

I'm writing all this to help anyone else experiencing similar, just as I have been helped by reading tough stuff here.

My point, and the title of the thread... . She didn't , or hardly, split her undemanding and sexless partner at all. Is this because she presented no challenge? Because she allowed the BPD to do as she pleased?

Oh, and has anyone noticed that all three long term relationships lasted 6 years?

[JackBlacknBlue]

I wonder if your xgf may have painted her ex black without revealing it to you.  For example,   I am clearly painted black with my friend - she rages against me and devalues me to my face, but from what I can tell, she does not speak ill of me to others.  Family and friends have consistently commented how well she speaks of me and our friendship.  I think she intentionally speaks well of me to them to maintain appearances until I am officially replaced as a friend.  If they only knew what goes on behind the scenes. 

or perhaps the timeframe you have known your xgf, her ex was repainted white.  I don't see how the ex has escaped the black paint.   

[MustangMan]

Don't worry.  No matter what happen the BPD will always put the blame on you.  It is a defense mechanism that is inherent to BPD.  They put the blame on you to feel better with themselves even if the blame is not realistic.  It is your job to distinguish where you are at fault and where you are not.  Probably, most of her complains should be directed to her, but you played a role too cause it takes two to tango.  However, both of you might not have done wrong things to each other conciously.

[Red Sky]

I have spent a fair bit of time considering my ex's splitting. I never knew splitting was a thing before joining this forum. For me, her exes fall into two categories:

-Short relationships with girls who are all 'the one who got away'. This one seems simple enough. Relationship was probably with a pretty normal girl who freaked out and left because of her extreme tendency to idealization, or because they couldn't deal with having to be her emotional crutch. Basically what I did.

- long relationships with evil and abusive girls. She mentioned two of these. At the time I 100% believed her and felt that it would be easy to take advantage of someone as vulnerable as her, someone who would please you at all costs. I'm not going to say that this isn't what happened. I never found her to be a liar. But I know that these two relationships lasted longer and it occurs to me that they COULD have been split black.

I don't think I will ever have an answer. I don't know if you will either but I understand the desire to analyse. I have even googled her exes for clues... .

For your ex's exes... . It could be that the idealisation phases lasted different lengths of time? I mean, on another thread there was a lot of talk about whether cohabiting shortened the idealisation phase of the relationship. Or do you know for a fact that it got past that stage with the second ex?

[Arminius]

Redsky,

With the second ex, I know for a daft that they cohabited almost immediately, maybe 3 months ( with me it was 6)

If, a big if, I can believe a word my uBPDxgf said, the relationship went like this: one year of sexual, then 5 years in the same bed with no sex, and my ex living a separate lesbian existence of one nighters... .

My uBPDxgf and her 2nd ex were co workers and she only had the 'courage' to tell her it was over when she had secured a new job. And she only told her the DAY before she started the new job. She was also able to convince that poor woman to allow her to then move in to the spare room!

More than that, the poor woman also vacated the place one weekend so that my uBPDxgf could entertain ME... . At the time I had no idea that the house belonged to an ex... . I'd been told they were house mates.

Layers and layers of pointless lies... .

[Arminius]

Daft= FACT

IS THERE NO EDIT FACILITY HERE?

[Red Sky]

Daft= FACT

IS THERE NO EDIT FACILITY HERE?

There is. It's in the header of each post on the right hand side. I think it's supposed to look like pencil and paper but, well, it doesn't.

I have no clue about your situation. It baffles me entirely. Could it possibly be guilt? Like she paints the second ex white because she realised she was the more guilty party?

[Arminius]

Redsky, interesting idea, but accepting guilt doesn't really for with BPD , or does it?

I guess like all things in life, there are no absolutes. Apart from the fact that there are no absolutes!

[Red Sky]

My ex felt all the guilt in the world. She felt guilt where she had no need to feel guilt, all the time. She did, however, take blaming herself for everything to extremes in all occasions, so I don't know how it would work with someone who didn't feel guilt in other cases.

This is based totally on personal experience and not on anything that I've read. But my ex didn't paint people black without provocation. I only knew her to paint people black when they had done something 'bad'. They might not have deserved her utter hate and disgust but they had always done SOMETHING.

[pipehitter]

My ex felt all the guilt in the world. She felt guilt where she had no need to feel guilt, all the time. She did, however, take blaming herself for everything to extremes in all occasions, so I don't know how it would work with someone who didn't feel guilt in other cases.

This is based totally on personal experience and not on anything that I've read. But my ex didn't paint people black without provocation. I only knew her to paint people black when they had done something 'bad'. They might not have deserved her utter hate and disgust but they had always done SOMETHING.

My experience too.

She once told me that she is fully aware that she effed up all her  relationships. It didn't end well for me either, but she was aware.

Maybe just ultimately powerless against the disorder.

Also. She paints black. But also only people that had done something bad.

As an example. There was one ex who definitely did something bad... . Painted black. The guy I replaced must have been relatively nice, I was told he wrote her an angry letter two months or so after break up,  but she seemed to have "understood"  his anger. He wasn't painted black, she just never mentioned him, never said anything really bad about him (except things you'd also say about a relationship and why it didn't work out.)

[Arminius]

Well, I'm 50 Shades of Black, that's for sure. I can only imagine the things she's telling people who I don't know, because the things she's making up and telling those I DO know are quite incredibly inaccurate!

[Blimblam]

when I think about my situation the ones she hasn't painted black are probably the ones she will hit up when she paints you black.

[Narellan]

The one girl my ex keeps going back to is only black sometimes. There was a mix of fondness as well as she's a drug addict, her family is dysfunctional, she only wanted money from him, used him ( he paid for her uni course, she was 17 years younger than him) but he said he did love her. Then again he said he'd never loved anyone the way he loved me , and we were then in the end only ever friends. He is all over the shop.

I know he's called me an alcoholic and that i cycle from relationship to relationship. Both of these are lies. So are the things he told me about her probably.

She was blacker at the start of our r/s and as time wore on she was greyish.

When we split he started posting photos of her on FB, so I'm tipping she's white again now.

It's so weird isn't it?

[Blimblam]

narellan,

Yes weird but now that I have a better understanding of this disorder not so weird at all.  I was so confused trying to understand things from  Non standpoint applying logic.  the more  read the more I have an understanding of the nature of the disorder.  Once I can detach feelings and see things as they are life will be better.  They are "gangsta,"  and , "players," just as much as they are "victims"  sure they are confused but if we are giving our heart, then we are getting played.

[Waifed]

My ex never spoke horribly about any of her exes. There were two however that she would make negative comments about. She spoke more about these two guys than any of the others. If I had to guess, both of these guys probably left her so she has never really gotten over them. I think pwBPD traits view past relations like most of us, but with much more intensity good or bad.

[Red Sky]

It is true that most of us 'split' our exes to some extent right? (This came up in another thread earlier today.) in the most normal of relationships, we hate them to make it easier to get over them, regardless of whether we also irritated them, regardless of whether we knew it wouldn't work, to save our pride when we are dumped. What makes a BPD person split one person black and another white is probably no more clear-cut than what makes any of us split our exes.

I guess the factors we are coming up with are

* who dumped who

* whether they felt wronged by their partner

* whether they somehow save their pride by splitting their ex black

* whether it just makes it easier to get over someone to hate them

* whether the relationship ended in the idealization phase or the devaluing phase

And out of those, only the last one is really BPD-specific... .

[Arminius]

Nice observation, especially  the last point. Would a BPD person end a relationship in the idealisation phase? Unlikely, surely?

So therefore, if it does end there, initiated by the non BPD, then painting black is inevitable?

In my case, I was totally black by the time she ended it, I just didn't realise because she was telling ME it was all good! but it seems she had been telling the rest of the world I was a terrible person for at least two years!

[Arminius]

The one girl my ex keeps going back to is only black sometimes.

She was blacker at the start of our r/s and as time wore on she was greyish.

That matches my experience too.

[Narellan]

Yes my exBPD ended it with me in the idealisation stage. That's why it's so difficult to get over. We" d just had the best holiday, like a honeymoon then couple days later he stressed at our closeness and freaked out and ran a mile. I went from pedestal to " desperate for love" in a split second. Wed never had an argument before this. So sudden. And sometimes nothing to do with us, being split black and ditched. In my case someone commented on a photo he'd posted on FB asking about my new man. And that was it. A FB comment!

[Arminius]

I'm sorry about your situation. Thank you for educating me . The more I learn about this condition, the more sense it all makes.

[Red Sky]

Yes my exBPD ended it with me in the idealisation stage. That's why it's so difficult to get over. We" d just had the best holiday, like a honeymoon then couple days later he stressed at our closeness and freaked out and ran a mile. I went from pedestal to " desperate for love" in a split second. Wed never had an argument before this. So sudden. And sometimes nothing to do with us, being split black and ditched.

This sounds like a horrible, utterly discombobulating breakup. No trigger other than the closeness? I have heard of people with BPD pushing away people because they fear the vulnerability that comes of being so close, but... . That's just so... . Awful. Confusing.

I do recall, before we got together, my ex telling me 'I feel really slutty at the moment.' When I asked her to explain, she said that she did want love, she really wanted love, but she was sick of having her heart broken. At the time I had no awareness of the disorder and she's hardly the first girl I have heard expressing that kind of sentiment so I thought nothing of it. But knowing her better, and knowing she isn't all about sex either, it makes more sense - she pushed the ex before me away very soon into the relationship purely to avoid being betrayed later on.

[Narellan]

Yes. Every spilt was to do with attachment. He would get to a point of being so all consuming and adoring " you're forever entwined in my soul now Narellan" then he'd pull back. No reason, no argument. He did it 4 times in 4 months.

He is a nomad and travels around, no attachments, no friends. Says he loves his life. The day we split he'd rung me 4 times to talk for hours about how much he missed me. He'd posted 10 photos of us on holidays kissing and hugging , on FB. One of my friends commented "wow I see you have a new man, you look so happy"

Within 5 mins every photo he deleted and he was gone.

That was 3 months ago. I know he didn't want to be tied down I didn't try to tie him down. But to be " friend zoned" at our most loving point has truly been devastating to me.

And to him, he's totally disregulated now doing all sorts of ridiculous things to get a response from me. Including last week abusing my sister out of the blue via FB. ( she got advice from a police friend she was so scared) and he attempted to replace me with my best friend but that only lasted a few weeks. I'm just wondering what next?

It's emotionally exhausting. I want to fast forward to next year and leave this all behind.