Finger Pointing, Circles and Spirals

[Legacymaker]

Following a raging incident at Christmas, I was NC with my mother for 4 months.  Normally I forgive her antics. This was the first time in my life that I hadn't spoken to her daily.

A few of the things she said during her rage: 

I will never be as smart as her.  (She is very jealous of my degree, this was not the first time this has been said).

She is in a higher social class than me.  (I never talk about money to her, but she her husband has recently started earning a good income and she has become very materialistic)

That my children only love me because their father is alive. (I'm very close to my kids and she hates this)

I've had a man take care of me my whole life. (NOT!)

She sent an apology note which ended by her telling me it had been my "fault" that she said all of this stuff because I has apparently pulled a face at her.  I stood up for myself and attempted to show her how toxic her words are. (I know, this was JADING!)

This opened the door for her and gave her the opportunity to add more details to my long list of failures.  Again, I responded.  This time I wrote and rewrote my reply.  I virtually eliminated all of her responsibility to the argument.  Her next letter to me was determined to reinforce how awful I am. 

My T once said to me that I will always have another hoop to jump through with her.

In an attempt to demonstrate her "score keeping", I went through each of her letters and extracted each criticism.  I now have over 20 ways that I fail her!

I am aware that the child in me is seeking validation and acceptance.  I have written a 3 page response.  My husband advises me that any coorespondence is futile and that she will relentlessly continue to condemn me until I admit that I am worthless. (Witch personality). I must land in a puddle of despair at her feet, begging her forgiveness.  This is how she fights.  When I do so, she will then soften and beg me to forgive her.  She becomes a complete martyr telling everyone how much her children continuously hurt her. (Waif personality).

My husband keeps asking what I want from the relationship.  Honestly,  there has been so much verbal damage done to me this time, I just don't know anymore. Trust and respect have both been broken.

I keep going in the same circles and spirals.  So my question is... . do I keep responding?  Is there a new way of communicating with a BPD without sacrificing myself?  Is there any way to salvage a relationship?

[lucyhoneychurch]

Legacy, I hope it will make you laugh out loud when I tell you this - I can tell you need some sort of a breather - I thought your subject said FingerPAINTING, Circles, Spirals... . I honestly was ready for some sort of remedial art therapy idea! please forgive me... . glasses were on my face but brain apparently not engaged.     

I agree with your husband.

Mostly because I did what you're doing over and over. Wrote the words and knew that they were accurate.

Not just a personal truth but backed up with other people's remarks and accounts of the events.

It is wasting your energy.

Keep throwing crystal at a brick wall, you will only end up with a pile of shards of what was once perfectly lovely and beautiful - the crystal is your soul, your energy, your time, your fears - as the good book some will quote says, Pearls before swine.

The brick wall is the incessant chant in your mother's head that she is wronged. That she is insulted, cheated, ruined, by you and who you are and what you do.

That chant began long before you were conceived, where anyone who criticized her even in the best loving way or questioned her, I assure you, created NARCISSISTIC INJURY - it inflames them, it stuns them, it shocks them, because they are not the center of the universe with abject adoration of all who encounter them!



The narcissist stuff is right in there with the borderline/abandoned/surviving stuff.

Narcissists are a shell. They mirror you, what you need or want - if you're upset, they will raise it a notch and THEY are upset, undone, crushed!

You know how this goes.

Don't take your crystal that filters light into rainbows and spectrums of beauty and let it anywhere near the brick facade.

Please... . listen to your husband. He probably knows this from your history with her as well as you do - but he is on the outside of your heart looking in and wants to protect you.

Mostly from that inner  broken little girl needing to be validated and atoned to... .

I'm sorry for you.  And I so get it.   

[Coral]

Ahhh... . husbands.   My wonderful husband always kept his thoughts to himself or expressed them in the most tactful way... . until I reached a point in my therapy where the scales had been ripped from my eyes.  I gave him carte blanche to speak his mind.

Like a geyser, he opened up with this horribly frightening litany of the hell my BPD sis had put us through... . year after year after year... . and I was able to hear the perfect truth in his words.

Since then, he speaks openly to me and has saved my skin a vicious scarring many a time.  I'll get caught up, he'll speak up and I see truth.  His perception has always been more accurate than mine.  I'm also fortunate that he's a compassionate person and takes pity on her.

[CrazyNoMore]

Hi Legacy,

My uBPDm was the same way - there was always one more hoop.  One more (unreasonable, ridiculous, insane) demand.  One more "sin" to atone for.  It was never, ever going to be enough.  Every offering was slapped down.  Has to be better.  Has to be more.  It's not enough.

I agree 100% with Lucyhoneychurch.  It's time to stop trying with this woman. 

Easier said than done, I know.  The toughest thing I had to learn was this:  Her opinion of me didn't matter.

Our society is so ingrained with the idea that a child's role is to please her mother and make her mother proud, that the concept of not caring what your mother thinks is absolutely abhorrent to most people from "normal" families.  After all, only selfish, self-centered, hard-hearted, juvenile delinquents dismiss their mothers' opinions like that.  She's your mother... . After all she's done for you... .  

But her distorted opinion doesn't matter.  Not anymore.  You're a grown woman with your own life, and, hopefully, people in your life whose opinion of you is far more important to you. 

I was NC with my FOO for the last 11 years of my uBPDM's life.  I finally quit trying to make her happy, a task at which I failed for almost 30 years.  What was the point of spending the next 30 years still trying, at the expense of my own life and livelihood?  None of us knows how long we have on this earth, but I have long-standing health issues and I'm aware of the fact that  I may not live much past my mid-70s -- at least, not in well enough condition so as to be able to enjoy my life.  So I had already wasted far too many precious years.

Do not respond to this woman anymore.  Refuse to participate in her kangaroo court anymore.  (I always wondered why the trial scene in Alice in Wonderland scared the hell out of me as a kid.  Now I know.) You are not on trial anymore.  No more.  Those letters she sends?  Toss them.  Hell, shred or burn them.  They don't matter anymore.

Wishing you peace.   

[Legacymaker]

Thank you for your support CrazyNoMore, Coral and LucyHoneyChurch,

CrazyNoMore, sometimes I question how I have made it to the age of 50 without a nervous breakdown!  I too suffer from health issues and expect a shortened life span. I have Systemic Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. Interestingly enough, it is another area my mother constantly downplays and contradicts :-)  This particular argument has left me feeling very insecure.  I put a lot of value on my mother's opinions, so her criticism has made me view myself as a babbling idiot, with nothing important to offer people. Moving away from my co-dependency and enmeshment is very difficult, but I recognize that I must do so to save myself. 

Coral, I am glad you have a wonderful support person too!  My husband is my lifeline!

LucyHoneyChurch, I did laugh out loud when I thought of you reading my post as "finger painting"!  I feel reduced to a child, so it might have been an appropriate term! Art therapy would probably be very helpful about now.   I am leaving on vacation this weekend. We are heading to Alaska    I liked your analogy so much, that I went and purchased a crystal ankle bracelet to wear on my trip, a reminder of your kind thoughts.  I am going to actively be working to find my rainbows! 

[P.F.Change]

I thought your subject said FingerPAINTING, Circles, Spirals... . I honestly was ready for some sort of remedial art therapy idea!

That actually sounds really fun. 

Easier said than done, I know.  The toughest thing I had to learn was this:  Her opinion of me didn't matter.

I think this is huge. Children naturally seek approval and feedback about their worth from their parents. It is normal to do that while you are young. As we get older, ideally, our parents have given us enough security that we are able to feel confident developing our own adult identity. You can see how this might be a problem when the parent has BPD--without a secure sense of their own self, how can a parent give that to their children? Sometimes we children of parents with BPD continue seeking that approval that we needed so badly as children, either from our parent or from others who remind us of our parent. A big healing step will be learning to validate internally--give yourself the approval you need--rather than externally.

Legacymaker, your mother is entitled to her views and opinions. You know they are shaped by her disorder--her perceptions are not necessarily the truth. Arguing with her is not going to change the fact that she is disordered and needs to see things a certain way. Can you allow her to feel what she feels and think what she thinks? You can see things differently without trying to convince her that you have a right to. You don't need her permission.

I keep going in the same circles and spirals.  So my question is... . do I keep responding?  Is there a new way of communicating with a BPD without sacrificing myself?  Is there any way to salvage a relationship?

It sounds like you know that what you have been doing so far is keeping you stuck and that you need to try something else. You also seem to know you need to take care of yourself. Have you thought about your boundaries lately? This is a workshop I like to review from time to time: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence. And TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth is also a very useful communication tool. It is very good in situations where you want to let someone else know you respect their right to feel how they feel while at the same time asserting your own truth.

Since you mentioned enmeshment and co-dependence as a problem, I will share this--not sure if you've already seen it: Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence

In terms of salvaging the relationship, you cannot make your mother love you the way you need. You can't change her into someone without a PD. You may be able to come to a place of acceptance where you understand your relationship with her is going to be limited by her disorder. Do you have a therapist right now, Legacymaker?

I liked your analogy so much, that I went and purchased a crystal ankle bracelet to wear on my trip, a reminder of your kind thoughts.  I am going to actively be working to find my rainbows! 

What a great way to remind yourself of your goals.  Hope you have a great trip!

Wishing you peace,

PF