I realize now... this isn't going to end until I want it to

[JohnThorn]

My uBPD ex and I have known eachother for 8+ years. Within in this time there was a 4 year period in which we did not speak. When we finally reconnected last summer, it seemed as though we were finally in route to happy life together. I had never been in a deeply felt relationship with her years ago, but I had long wanted her to be my girlfriend/wife. In my heart, nothing could make me happier. Even being aware of this disorder and having been faced with the worst emotional period in my life, I've come to realize that she hurt me so much only because my deep love of her allowed her near my vulnerabilities more than anyone else has ever been.

When i was in the relationship with her, it felt like a kind of hell. And I'm fairly confident that my relationship with her was among the shortest of anyone's here... . just over 6 months.  We had almost no honeymoon period because we were both very much in love with eachother and knew eachother intimately coming into the relationship.  But I didn't know that she was BPD. And I was not prepared for it. And it made me want to die. Wrestling with leaving her all time, being faced with very distorted accusations, comments that lowered my self esteem, infidelity, sudden outbursts of hatred followed by sudden outburst of love... . and I felt I couldn't truly walk away. Not from her. Not from the girl I loved for so many years. To top it all off, she wasn't blind to her problems. But she did say she was much worse with me in her life than with someone else.

Lately, I've wanted to lose these feelings. I carry them around like a weight. I don't approach new women anymore. I am not ready. I spend a lot of time alone. And sadly, I find myself checking her Facebook compulsively throughout the day. Her Facebook is almost completely hidden, and she is now with another guy whom she painted black while she and I were together. I feel like any form of apology or any form of missing me is what I search for. And the saddest part is, I know it's not so far fetched. I know that if I made a wholehearted attempt to be with her again, I could be waking up in her arms within 2 weeks. I stop because I feel it will kill me literally. I can't forgive her truly. I know she has this mental illness. And I know in my heart, despite all her finger pointing and denial... . I know when we first started dating in July and she told me with the saddest sincerity that she was scared she we as crazy, that she knows that she's not well. Oh how I wish she was. Because I don't want anyone else.

[Mutt]

You had deep love for this woman and were hurt and you are having a difficult time I'm sorry   You feel isolated and alone when you don't know what you are dealing with, the behaviors are frustrating when you are trying your best and it's met with hostility or it's reciprocated with guilt from FOG. It's an emotional roller-coaster ride to say the least JohnThorn.

It's OK that you're not ready to meet other women, you will meet someone new. You could set yourself a goal to not check her Facebook. It is tempting and difficult but I suggest  deactivating your account for a period of time. You can always re-activate it when you are feeling better.

No contact is a temporary tool to give yourself distance to heal and detach. Find some new activities. How does this goal sound like for you?

[Lucky Jim]

When i was in the relationship with her, it felt like a kind of hell.

Hey JT, Breaking up with a pwBPD is similar to giving up an addiction.  You know it's bad for you, but you still want to do it.  Withdrawal is tough, no doubt, and you seem to be having all the usual symptoms: obsessions, guilt, fantasies, etc.  Perhaps you could just sit and observe your feelings, and acknowledge that this is a phase that you need to get through in order to come out the other side.  It's hard, I know, but getting to a healthier place is worth it.

LuckyJim

[D82]

I can beat your record. Mine was a measly two months and I'm still reeling, even though it ended in mid-Feb. No need to beat yourself up about how you feel, because it only makes it worse. I had a similar-ish situation, in that I befriended her platonically three years ago, fell hard for her despite nothing romantic taking place, and she abruptly ended our friendship when she started dating another guy. I got over it, but eventually reconnected with her after having moved into the same apartment building (whoops!), and this time it did become romantic. That aspect of our relationship ended, but she cut me out of her life entirely and it's devastated me. Especially because I constantly wonder when I'm going to cross paths with her in my building.

You, on the other hand, are dealing with the temptation of knowing there is some power you possess to potentially reconnect. My advice: Don't do it. And I'm familiar with that awful and dark belief: "I don't want anyone else." This is a common theme here, and part of the intoxicating aspect of someone with BPD. Yes, inTOXICating. At least for me, when I take honest stock of what our dynamic was, I realized this was not a person who gave much in return. A person with BPD often idealizes their partner, but the partner is often guilty of the same. I can't speak for you, but I'm starting to realize that intensity does not equal love.