First leaving post: my gut tells me I should go...

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my first post here in the leaving board.  To be honest, I was probably ready to jump straight onto this board as soon as I found this site a couple of months ago, but joined the staying board and tried to learn some things to help at home.  I've also been going to al-anon for about four months.

I've just been away for a few weeks visiting my family abroad and things were very diificult whilst I was away (lots of raging blame and criticism, a lot of it by text as I was refusing to speak to him when he was like that, trying to set a boundary). But I really tried to make sure I showed real enthusiasm to see him again when I got back today and for about 30-60 minutes it was ok.  He make me at the station and bought me flowers which was really nice.

But not long after we got back, his mood was changing. I suppose it started when he started taking about a text I'd sent him earlier today, which he had misunderstood because I added a word in that I didn't mean to.  He thought it was me saying I wanted sex when I got back and that want the case as unfortunately our r/s has been in crisis for a while and that hasn't been happening. So he brought up the text and then quickly moved on to the usual blame game.

He said I was to blame for everything, he's well now and I'm the one with problems and need to be in a recovery program, accused me of cheating, saying I was cheating when I met a girlfriend friend before I went away (even saying I was cheating with her), that I was cheating when I was with my family, that I have a secret FB life lining up the next bf, saying he almost committed suicdide several times whilst I was away and where was I when I should have been there for him, saying I'm to blame for his addiction issues, being nasty about my family, standing over me whilst I was sat down and repeatedly telling me to F off and get the f out of here.  I left the room and suggested we speak when things were calmer, but then he just kept coming into the room I was in, or shouting up the stairs at me.  He was threatening to text my parents saying I was an addict and they needed to know, and it went on and on.  It's all said with such anger and aggression, he has big black holes for eyes, it really is very upsetting.  This has happened a lot over the last few years with all kinds of threats (to kill my cat and wear him around his neck  to plant weed on me and get me arrested by the police to try to cause problems with me travelling to see my family, of hurting himself if I left, to contact my parents and say various things, there's been pushing and grabbing, and lots of very unpleasant situations).

I said I was packing a bag because I can't take it anymore and he went quiet for a while and I have packed a back.  I've been the in bedroom since feelings a bit paralysed.  My guts telling me enough is enough and this isn't going to change, but I just can't seen to walk out the door.

He came back into the bedroom about 10minutes ago, said he was going to the shops, then started off again, but briefly this time before leaving. He said he can't see the point when I'm not making any effort and keep causing problems.

So I realise I shouldn't tell him I'm packing a bag and then not go as it shows him I don't mean what I say and have weak boundaries.  But I've just got back from being away for four weeks, I really hoped it wouldn't jump straight into this the first day, and silly as it sound I don't want to leave my cat alone with him again.  It also frustrates me to think that he'd have the house to himself when I pay all the bills and he spends the little money he has on himself and getting weed.  I am of course concerned about him too, I worry what he'll do if I go, but at the same time I do realise I'm not rrspsonsible for him and his actions.

Maybe I need to plan my exit better, so I'm properly prepared and know where I'm going etc, maybe that will make it easier to do (although I know it'll still be hard).

Any advice from any of you who've already done it?  Thanks.

[Littleleft]

This is my first post here in the leaving board.  To be honest, I was probably ready to jump straight onto this board as soon as I found this site a couple of months ago, but joined the staying board and tried to learn some things to help at home.  I've also been going to al-anon for about four months.

I've just been away for a few weeks visiting my family abroad and things were very diificult whilst I was away (lots of raging blame and criticism, a lot of it by text as I was refusing to speak to him when he was like that, trying to set a boundary). But I really tried to make sure I showed real enthusiasm to see him again when I got back today and for about 30-60 minutes it was ok.  He make me at the station and bought me flowers which was really nice.

But not long after we got back, his mood was changing. I suppose it started when he started taking about a text I'd sent him earlier today, which he had misunderstood because I added a word in that I didn't mean to.  He thought it was me saying I wanted sex when I got back and that want the case as unfortunately our r/s has been in crisis for a while and that hasn't been happening. So he brought up the text and then quickly moved on to the usual blame game.

He said I was to blame for everything, he's well now and I'm the one with problems and need to be in a recovery program, accused me of cheating, saying I was cheating when I met a girlfriend friend before I went away (even saying I was cheating with her), that I was cheating when I was with my family, that I have a secret FB life lining up the next bf, saying he almost committed suicdide several times whilst I was away and where was I when I should have been there for him, saying I'm to blame for his addiction issues, being nasty about my family, standing over me whilst I was sat down and repeatedly telling me to F off and get the f out of here.  I left the room and suggested we speak when things were calmer, but then he just kept coming into the room I was in, or shouting up the stairs at me.  He was threatening to text my parents saying I was an addict and they needed to know, and it went on and on.  It's all said with such anger and aggression, he has big black holes for eyes, it really is very upsetting.  This has happened a lot over the last few years with all kinds of threats (to kill my cat and wear him around his neck  to plant weed on me and get me arrested by the police to try to cause problems with me travelling to see my family, of hurting himself if I left, to contact my parents and say various things, there's been pushing and grabbing, and lots of very unpleasant situations).

I said I was packing a bag because I can't take it anymore and he went quiet for a while and I have packed a back.  I've been the in bedroom since feelings a bit paralysed.  My guts telling me enough is enough and this isn't going to change, but I just can't seen to walk out the door.

He came back into the bedroom about 10minutes ago, said he was going to the shops, then started off again, but briefly this time before leaving. He said he can't see the point when I'm not making any effort and keep causing problems.

So I realise I shouldn't tell him I'm packing a bag and then not go as it shows him I don't mean what I say and have weak boundaries.  But I've just got back from being away for four weeks, I really hoped it wouldn't jump straight into this the first day, and silly as it sound I don't want to leave my cat alone with him again.  It also frustrates me to think that he'd have the house to himself when I pay all the bills and he spends the little money he has on himself and getting weed.  I am of course concerned about him too, I worry what he'll do if I go, but at the same time I do realise I'm not rrspsonsible for him and his actions.

Maybe I need to plan my exit better, so I'm properly prepared and know where I'm going etc, maybe that will make it easier to do (although I know it'll still be hard).

Any advice from any of you who've already done it?  Thanks.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Littleleft,

I'm sorry that you came home to such a difficult situation.  It's so understandable that your gut is telling you that it's time to go, yet another part of you is hesitant.  This kind of confusion is normal and I hope you will be gentle with yourself right now as you work though your feelings.

I'm concerned about the threats and the pushing and grabbing.  Have you looked into a safety plan?  We have a great resource here:

Safety First

Maybe I need to plan my exit better, so I'm properly prepared and know where I'm going etc, maybe that will make it easier to do (although I know it'll still be hard).

I think this is a great idea.  I know it's hard to go along with business as usual in the midst of turmoil, but it's better to make a plan before things escalate, if at all possible.  That way, when the time comes to walk away, you feel more confident that you have the support you need.

It's always a difficult decision to leave, I commend you for thinking about your needs in this.  We are here to cheer you on, no matter what you decide.

Why do you think you are more ready now, Littleleft?

heartandwhole

[Littleleft]

Thank you so much for your reply heartandwhole.

I have read and safety first info after being directed there previously, thank you for your concern in this area. I must say that reading it made me think about things differently.  I had already thought about my physical safety and had previously been advised to keep a bag handy of things I could grab easily if I needed to go in a hurry, but I had never thought of things in terms of my emotional safety before reading that article, and in fact for the most part that is what has been in danger for me.

I think I'm feeling more ready to leave for two main reasons.  Firstly, my feelings seem to have changed really.  I think I've shut them down to avoid being hurt by the rages and anger in the past and now that seems to have had a more permanent effect.  I still care about him very much, but I just don't think I can go back to feeling the way I did about someone who has made me feel so bad on so many occasions. And secondly, I don't think things are going to change and I can't carry on as they are, so it feels like leaving is the only sane option. I think I've stopped denying the reality too, whereas in the past I would almost shrug it off and say things weren't so bad.

A friend has already said to me that I can come and stay with her if things get too bad to bear, so I may speak to her and tell her I think I'm almost ready.

[Littleleft]

Well things just escalated and I called the police.

He came back from the shops and I went downstairs to speak to him, straight away he was shouting at me full of anger and saying we were over. I just tried to stay calm and seeing he wasn't hearing anything I was saying thought it best to go upstairs again.  But he followed me, I was sat on the bed and he came in and lent into my face shouting with furious anger (face screwed up and foaming at the mouth), he put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me back a bit.  I got up and grabbed the bag I'd packed saying I was going to leave as it as getting out of hand.  He stood in my way shouting that he wasn't going to let me leave and I had to stay and 'sort this out'.  Again he leaned right into my face screaming at me 'you're not doing this!'. Then he put one hand in front of my face and punched his other hand into that hand twice, so it made a lough smack right in front of my face, and said that I'd done that to him in the past.  I tried to move around him and he backed out into the hallway, still in my way.  Then he kicked some of the upstairs bannisters, I asked him to move as I walked into the hallway, then he grabbed my bag and pushed it back into me so that I stumbled backwards and then fell over.  As this isn't the first time things like this have happened I thought enough is enough so I called the police.  Of course he was not happy about that at all and there away more shouting at me whilst I called them.

Whilst I was on the phone to the police waiting for their unit to turn up, he called his parents and told them his version of events - how I've beaten him up in the past, how I've been horrible to him all day and a load of other things to paint me black to them (telling them I've slept with lots of people, that I wouldn't take it when he said he wanted to break up so I've caused all this).  Whilst also shouting to me that his parents know 'the truth' about me and that he'll tell my parents too.

But of course the police turn up and he couldn't be nicer to them. He was calm and joking about with them. I explained to one of the police about the BPD and I heard him telling the other than he had mental health problems.

The police suggested that he be removed from the situation so i suggested he go to his mum and dads, which he was happy to do. He'd always refused to do that when I suggested it before, but I think he was worried that the alternatives were a night in a cell or being sectioned, so he agreed to it. The police offered to give him a lift but he didn't want to turn up in a police car so his parents picked him up.

His parent arrived and they left with my SO, the police left too.  About 5 minutes later I had a call from his mum who said she wanted to come and see me.  So she came in for a chat.  She said my SO wanted her to come in as he was worried if I was ok.  It kills me that he switches 180 like that.  She understands that he has BPD (he doesn't know it) and how that can make him behave, she's desperately trying to get him the help and support he needs from the local mental health team but they don't really seem to be taking it seriously.

She's gone now and I'm alone at home feeling a bit shell shocked.  I feel awful for having called the police, but really felt like that was the only option.

[crookedeuphoria]

I had to call the police once. It was awful. My bf ended up being arrested and then of course I ended up feeling horribly guilty. Even though he had hit me and choked me while I was just laying in bed trying to go to sleep! You did the right thing. I'm so sorry that you just went through this. Do you have a plan for tomorrow? I am sure the more senior members will have amazing words of wisdom for you. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. 

[Littleleft]

Thanks crooked.  It is good to hear that I'm not alone!

I'm really not sure what to do tomorrow.  I might call a friend and meet up for a chat, so that I don't sit at home stewing all day long. 

I think this is probably going to be the end of the r/s but I'm still struggling to admit that.  But I can't imagine anything getting any better for a long time, so I need to get to grips with it I think. 

So a good talk with a friend is probably just what I need!

[Artisan]

It's amazing how common the experiences are for all of us !

The false accusations, the gaslighting, the projections ... . wow.

We understand your agony and are here to listen.

It takes courage and a strong heart to love and step away.

[Littleleft]

Thank you for your kind words Artisan, it really helps.  In fact what you've said has made me look at my actions in a better light, im very grateful, thank you.

It is surprising how similar our experiences can be isn't it.  I'm so glad I found this site!

[HazelJade]

Littleleft... . take this chance that you have now that he's gone, do not start living with him anymore. He really sounds very dangerous.

Either find a place for yourself and your cat that he won't know about or , since you are paying the place, talk with his mom and tell her that he'll be calmer without you in his life (which at the moment is probabyly true), to come and take his stuff. Then ask a friend to stay with you for a while.

I know it sounds easy and it's not, but it's a chance that you have that maybe won't happen again.

An old boyfriend once threatened to kill me while I was asleep. I sweared to myself that if I was going to survive that night I would leave him and our 5 years relationship the morning after; I did it. I'm so happy I did it. I don't think you will look back regretting the decision.

Sending you thoughts of strength and protection.

[Turkish]

Littleleft, I'm glad you had the presence of mind to call the police and things turned out well for this incident. That must have been so scary, to have him in your face like that, threatening violence! You did the right thing. You were not responsible for his loss of control.

It's great that his parents were supportive of you, and it must be so tough for them to be in this position. You, however, deserve to be safe. They have taken responsibility for their son. Please take care not to get enmeshed in whatever they feel they need to do to help him. He has his parents, you have you. You're a person who deserves to be safe, not a tool to be used.

[Cmjo]

Hello, I am so sorry it must be awful. My opinion is if your gut is telling you, then it was already time to leave a whioe ago, I think that we nons put up with more than we should, stay in denial, and try too long to help them, feeling guilty if we leave. You might not lose guilt for ages after you leave but you will gain self-respect. Noone should have to suffer abuse in a relationship, at least if the abuser wont admit a serious problem and get the right help.

[AwakenedOne]

An old boyfriend once threatened to kill me while I was asleep. I sweared to myself that if I was going to survive that night I would leave him and our 5 years relationship the morning after; I did it. I'm so happy I did it. I don't think you will look back regretting the decision.

Hi Littleleft,

My ex uBPD attacked me in my sleep. The rages and violence only gets worse over time it seems.

I agree with HazelJade that you might want to at least temporarily not live with this guy. He might hold a grudge about you calling the police also. Be careful.

Peace,

AO

[Littleleft]

Thank you all so much for your responses.

Littleleft... . take this chance that you have now that he's gone, do not start living with him anymore. He really sounds very dangerous.

Either find a place for yourself and your cat that he won't know about or , since you are paying the place, talk with his mom and tell her that he'll be calmer without you in his life (which at the moment is probabyly true), to come and take his stuff. Then ask a friend to stay with you for a while.

I know it sounds easy and it's not, but it's a chance that you have that maybe won't happen again.

I think HazelJade is right. When things have been out of control in the past I've always had to leave and he had refused to, even to the point where I stayed with his parents for two months towards the end of last year when I felt it wasn't safe for me to be at home (none of my family live locally).  It feels to me a better idea for him to be with his parents at the moment, particularly as his mum confirmed to me last night that he was seriously threatening suicide whilst I was away.

The house situation is tricky, as he does have a stake in the property even though it's been a little while since he's made any contribution. I hope that he will see that it's best for both of us if he stays there and I stay in our house.

He did call this morning and apologised for last night, he said he was sorry for scaring me.  Then he asked if I was going to break up with him.  I'd not long woken up as I found it really difficult to sleep last night (funnily enough!) and so I asked him if he'd mind giving me some time before we spoke about it.  I didn't want to say anything when I hadn't thought properly about it. Of course I've been thinking a lot about whats happened, but not about what to say to him now.

I realise it's not safe for us to be together and things aren't suddenly going to change for the better, so I shouldn't drag things out any longer and I should be honest to him and myself that it's the end of the road for our r/s. I know that is the right thing to do, but I'm still doubting it.  We've been together for 12 years and I still care about him a great deal.  For years our r/s was great and we were so close, it's so sad to realise that that's in the past now and is never coming back.

I just don't know how to actually say it to him.

[Narellan]

LL you've been through so much... . Telling him its enough is only a minor thing. Do it with his parents present. Go to their place with them there to support him and say you cant do it anymore. The fear of doing this is nothing compared to what youve already faced. And its never as bad as we imagine in our heads. You are in my thoughts. 

[InSearchofMe]

Oh Littleleft, I am so sorry it has come to this.    You were right to call the police to defuse the situation and get both of you to a safe place.

I realise it's not safe for us to be together and things aren't suddenly going to change for the better, so I shouldn't drag things out any longer and I should be honest to him and myself that it's the end of the road for our r/s. I know that is the right thing to do, but I'm still doubting it.

Is that you really doubt that this is the right thing to do or is it that you you fear his reaction and what he will do following the end of the relationship?

I think Narallen has provided some wise counsel by suggesting having this conversation at his parents house with them present.  This will help keep both of you safe when this conversation takes place.

I do not know how to begin formulating exactly what to say to him, hopefully others will have some suggestions. 

Keep coming back here for support and help while you go through what will be a very difficult time

[Littleleft]

Narellan - thank you for your suggestion and kind words.  I think that's a good idea to have that conversation with his parents present both to keep us safe and as support for him.

InSearchOfMe - thank you too.

I realise it's not safe for us to be together and things aren't suddenly going to change for the better, so I shouldn't drag things out any longer and I should be honest to him and myself that it's the end of the road for our r/s. I know that is the right thing to do, but I'm still doubting it.

Is that you really doubt that this is the right thing to do or is it that you you fear his reaction and what he will do following the end of the relationship?

I think it's a bit of both - a bit of fear of letting go, and a bit of worrying about him. Some definite FOG. I'm going to reread some of the info/lessons here today to help deal with it a bit.

His mum just called me to check I was ok. I asked how he was and she said he's very remorseful and very upset about his behaviour, said he doesn't know how to sort it out and he's feeling very lost.  She understands how I'm feeling.  She said she explained to him last night how his behaviour would have made me feel.  He's said he wants to come home, but she's said to him that even if he feels calm now things would surely escalate quickly due to high emotions and so it isn't a good idea.  She said she also explained to him about BPD last night, as she thought he needed to know.  I've directed her to the parents board here, as I think she'll find the tools and lessons very helpful, as well as the wonderful support of everyone here.

So I'm glad he's with them, it's the best place for him at the moment. And I'm glad I'm on here, it's the best place for me at the moment!

[Artisan]

Even though I love my ex and know how awesome our life can be when its awesome ... . the unknowns about the otherside are excrutiating and keep me from ever going back.

There is nothing to do.

It is not my responsibility to make that person happy. They have been this way their entire life.

Making myself a martyr of love and serving them ISN'T EVER GOING TO DO ANY GOOD.

It'll leave me a wreck ; even THINKING about my ex makes me angry and brings out my PTSD.

My approach is , my ex made it this far without me ... . what kind of hubris is it to imagine that they need ME to to continue  ?

They don't.

I have a hard time accepting that personality disorders give a person a blanche-carte get out of jail free card.

Though I love her, I diminish and have nothing to give after the heaps of false accusations, drama, screaming, fear, obligation, guilt tripping and just general instability of it all.

It is her choice to be frightened of everybody. It was her choice to take her emotions out on me.

I am a human being. Not an emotion trash can.

There are consequences ... . and I had to draw a line because I reached a point that I felt dead, empty, useless, unloveable ...

There is only so many ways a person can beat you up before it takes a toll.

And I choose to be alive.

I choose to be with people who trust me.

Who respect me.

Who will express emotions without taking them out on me with no apologies.

F* that.

God gave me life.

And death will one day be here.

In between ... . this gift of who I am, the fact that my ancestral lineage goes back to the dawn of time, this is a rare opportunity ... .

why squander it on somebody who cannot love me ?

This is why I have gone No Contact (NC) and am healing and focusing forward.

It is liberty for my emotions and mind, and for her as well to move forward in the ways she needs to.

[Littleleft]

It is liberty for my emotions and mind, and for her as well to move forward in the ways she needs to.

Thanks for your post Artisan, I know everything you've said is right. I particularly liked your last sentence above, I really do believe that he would find it even harder to move forward whilst still in a r/s with me, I'm sure knowing this will help me a little. I'm such a constant trigger and lightening rod for his behaviour. He's due to start therapy soon, and I think that once we are no longer in a r/s he will be better able to focus on himself, rather than being consumed with the constant anger and blame towards me.

I know today for the first time that I am sure the r/s cannot continue, I know it's not going to be easy from now on, but I know that that's the road I must take.

[sweetheart]

You are very much in my thoughts tonight Littleleft   

[Littleleft]

Thanks sweetheart   you are very much in mine too 

[HazelJade]

We've been together for 12 years and I still care about him a great deal.  For years our r/s was great and we were so close, it's so sad to realise that that's in the past now and is never coming back.

I understand you, I really do. Oh, it is tough.

But you know, leaving somebody sometimes can be an act of love; maybe this will give him motivation to seek a real support with therapy, which is the only support that can have some chances to make him feel better. All our love sometimes has the opposite effect; crazy as it sounds, it can be a trigger. I would think this, you are acting with love, for him. And for yourself.

I just don't know how to actually say it to him.

Seeing how impulsive he can be... . I would just ask for time, without any final word.I have the feeling that this can be the softer approach with him, for now, and maybe for you too. You can simply say you feel very tired, and need some silence, quiet and space and need to be on your own for a while . See how it goes.

In time, you can say that you feel sad without him but much calmer and that maybe you can keep living separately. It won't mean that you will both stop having feelings and caring for each other. One can do that even at distance.

One little step at a time.

With much respect for the very hard work you are doing,

HJ

[Littleleft]

Hi HJ

I'm sure it will help to view what I'm doing so being through love for myself and him, thank you.

Seeing how impulsive he can be... . I would just ask for time, without any final word.I have the feeling that this can be the softer approach with him, for now, and maybe for you too. You can simply say you feel very tired, and need some silence, quiet and space and need to be on your own for a while . See how it goes.

In time, you can say that you feel sad without him but much calmer and that maybe you can keep living separately. It won't mean that you will both stop having feelings and caring for each other. One can do that even at a distance.

I'm not sure if I can do this though.  To leave things open like that, I'm not sure that would be fair to him.  That would give him the impression that there might still be a chance, and I'm almost certain it would just mean continued dysregulation at me whilst he continued to have the same feelings of being uncertain if I was going to abandon him or not.

I feel like I need to be honest that this is it, to give both him and me an opportunity to start getting over it. I can't carry on like I still feel the same, or that things may get better.

I know he will find it difficult (and so will I) and probably not take it well, but that will happen whenever I tell him, so I think it's probably best to be honest as soon as possible, as difficult as that might be.

[Narellan]

Yes I agree LL. that was my thought when I read HJ post. It's just prolonging the inevitable and postponing another rage session. Best to calmly say it now while he's out of the house, and now that you've detached a bit after your time away with your family. Also he's about to start therapy, and can work through his feelings with his T. I agree it isn't fair to give him false hope. If you're certain in your mind now, do it now.

Blessings 

[Littleleft]

Thanks Narellan   that makes most sense to me.