Taking my own advice

[LettingGo14]

I stumbled into this community about 4 months ago, in February -- about 3 months after abandonment, and feeling like a strung out addict.  

Perspective was the very first gift I was given -- meaning, I suddenly realized I was not alone (or crazy) in feeling so devastated by the end of my tumultuous, deeply emotional but rarely satisfying, relationship.

The second gift was learning about the disorder -- the behaviors and implications.  So many stories resonated with mine.  And, at some point, I realized that -- no matter what I did -- I would not have been able to save the relationship with the tools I had (or did not have).   It cleared a little bit of the FOG.

The third gift I was given was each of you -- people willing to share pain and perspective in poignant and honest ways.   I identified so many areas where I was stuck because so many you have gone before me, and processed so much, and stood willing to help.  

In conjunction with all of this, I started to practice meditation, and mindfulness, and realized that, for a long time, I never really wanted to feel difficult emotions.  I'd spin the story of my relationship over and over in my head, but never really give myself a chance to feel the emotions -- anger, fear, resentment, shame, sorrow, and grief.

The reason I write today is that it's my birthday, and I woke this morning hoping that my ex-girlfriend would send a note.  As hours passed, it became clear that I was clinging to the hope she would reach out.   And I started to cycle through a range of emotions:  anger (didn't it mean anything at all?), fear (what is it saying about me that she won't write?), shame (I must be bad).

There's an article I read often, in a Buddhist magazine called Tricycle, that says the following:

"The spiritual journey involves stepping into unknown territory with a hunger to know what is true. One of the essential elements of such a life is the understanding that everything we encounter— fear, resentment, jealousy, embarrassment—is actually an invitation to see clearly where we are shutting down and holding back. At some point we realize we can’t manipulate life to give us only what we want: the rug gets pulled out regularly. So what do we do? Although our deep-seated tendency is to reject the unwanted in an effort to prevent suffering, it turns out that all the ways we resist actually limit our lives, bringing us pain. And yet how do we find the courage to open to, and accept, all of what we are and all of what is arising in our body and mind? How do we tap the confidence to live with that kind of openness and receive what is arising in the moment, just as it is, with clarity and kindness? How do we let life, with all of its disappointments and sorrows soften our heart?"

The message is to lean into the spear, of self, and what arises.   I wanted to get rid of the emotions at first.   Or indulge them with wishful thinking.

I can't do those things anymore.  It's really important for me to just sit and hold the emotions.   To feel them.  To own them.  To not assign any power outside myself.   And, frankly, it kind of sucks.

But here it is.  I'm posting because I want to embrace my own advice:  the answer is within.

I'm really grateful for everyone here.   I can't say enough in thanks to each of you.

Full article here:  www.tricycle.com/dharma-talk/demons-mouth

[formflier]

 

Glad you are finding some direction and taking some of your own advice!   

Hang in there.  This site has been huge for me as well.  I can't imagine what my life would be like without it.

[LostGhost]

LettingGo,

Your advice has been positive and powerful to me. I too had to experience the emotions coming up from my birthday a few weeks ago. I had messages from friends and family, one from my ex's sister, even one from my ex-wife who I hadn't talked to in two years. But I didn't get even a simple hello from my exBPDgf. It had only been 3 weeks since we'd broken up by that point. Really there's no excuse. Nobody is that busy or needs that much time and space that they can't offer a simple birthday greeting, especially to someone they were that intimate with. That was the day I believe I found this site and began the process of educating myself.

I too have a background in meditation and yoga, using those lessons to overcome the loss of my marriage. For one reason or another I'm having a greater difficulty being mindfully aware in this instance. Emotions are neither right or wrong so I do tend to just acknowledge them as they come but it's a bit of a floodgate.

I spent my birthday by my phone, waiting and hoping to see something from her but I never did. The plan beforehand had been for us to go to Vegas. It was her idea actually. She told me again and again to make sure I had the week off from work so we could go. Instead I spent that time alone. Their ability to cut you out of their lives once they paint you black and someone else white is... . disturbing. I wonder if your day will unfold in the same manner. I'm 31 now. At any rate, may you find some measure of peace on your birthday my friend. You deserve at least that much today.

[Cimbaruns]

LettingGo

Peace to you as well my friend.

The advice you have given me has been most helpful in my moving forward as well!

I have faced similar circumstances as of late... . with my ex s birthday a few weeks ago ... . and mine in a few short weeks... .

I chose not to acknowledge her for her birthday... . as sentiments such as these ... . I believe ... . are best deserved to those whom we love and cherish... .

I am not expecting anything from her ... . And as I continue on this painful journey of self discovery... . I prepare to walk alone for now...

As you said... . sitting and holding on to our emotions is most difficult... . but all here are with you... .

Happy Day ... . and Peace

Cimbaruns

[antjs]

thanks letting go for this awesome post and HAPPY BIRTHDAY 

[crookedeuphoria]

First of all, Happy Birthday.

My birthday was in April. We had a whole weekend planned but, of course, a day or two before there was a fight and so I spent my weekend without him. The day of my birthday, I kept checking my phone. Surely, he could send a simple text, right? I mean, it was my birthday and it's not as if we hadn't been in fights before. You know already how it turned out. Zero, zilch, nada. I was crushed. This really sent a message to me of how little I meant. He texted a couple days later. Nothing about my birthday, just that he had spent the weekend with one of his friends and had fallen into a black hole of paranoia. So, yet again, I was hurt but making him feel better.

They don't get. They. Do. Not. Get. It. The sooner we get that they don't get it, the better off we all will be.

I am grateful for this board as well. It has helped tremendously to know that there are others like me out there going through this same surreal craziness. I really wish we could all get together for a coffee.

I hope your day is happy. You are exactly where you are supposed to be.

Peace to you.

[free-n-clear]

   Happy Birthday, LG! 

   I know exactly how you felt:

  I woke this morning hoping that my ex-girlfriend would send a note.  As hours passed, it became clear that I was clinging to the hope she would reach out.

  On my recent birthday, the first since the r/s, I felt exactly the same thing. My uBPDxgf has a habit of texting or calling on my pay day, "just to see what you're up to today"  , and as my birthday fell on a pay day, I found myself thinking (hoping) she'd get in touch. When she didn't - the first payday she'd missed in ages - I felt angry at having been used. But I'd worked out a long time ago that she was only using me, so I shouldn't have been surprised.

"The spiritual journey involves stepping into unknown territory with a hunger to know what is true. One of the essential elements of such a life is the understanding that everything we encounter— fear, resentment, jealousy, embarrassment—is actually an invitation to see clearly where we are shutting down and holding back. At some point we realize we can’t manipulate life to give us only what we want: the rug gets pulled out regularly. So what do we do? Although our deep-seated tendency is to reject the unwanted in an effort to prevent suffering, it turns out that all the ways we resist actually limit our lives, bringing us pain. And yet how do we find the courage to open to, and accept, all of what we are and all of what is arising in our body and mind? How do we tap the confidence to live with that kind of openness and receive what is arising in the moment, just as it is, with clarity and kindness? How do we let life, with all of its disappointments and sorrows soften our heart?"

  This is great, I'll check out the link later when I have more time. Once again, Happy Birthday, mate, and best wishes for the year ahead. 

[Red Sky]

Happy birthday LG, and thank you not only for sharing this wisdom but for everything you do for these boards. Hope that you are getting to acknowledge positive emotions

[goldylamont]

happy birthday LG14!

i too went through the birthday ordeal and it was tough. my ex actually left me a vm on my bday, and i remember telling a friend that i hated that it meant so much to me at the time. in my case i think it was just luck that she did this, she very well could have ignored to send a message. subsequently i got to ignore her on her bday a few months later  

you have a great deal of awareness and compassion and i always enjoy reading your posts. in fact i believe you were the one that introduced me to the phrase "lean in to the spear"! i still love this. i've read one book by Pema Chadron (spelling?) and truly enjoyed it, she's compassionate but at the same time she doesn't BS you with 'positivity', me-likey  

i would like to suggest a book for you to read called The Language of Emotions by Karla Maclaren. I still refer to this work today, especially when dealing with the more difficult emotions (hate/anger/rage/sadness/depression/jealousy/etc.)--this book contains a chapter on each one, detailing how important these emotions are for us and their message. it was the first time i read about these emotions as not being "bad". i think with this kind of knowledge and your smarts good things can happen  

happy bday LG!

www.amazon.com/dp/1591797691/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=44759593065&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14552524651386919071&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_2g39eat2e2_b

[LettingGo14]

i would like to suggest a book for you to read called The Language of Emotions by Karla Maclaren. I still refer to this work today, especially when dealing with the more difficult emotions (hate/anger/rage/sadness/depression/jealousy/etc.)--this book contains a chapter on each one, detailing how important these emotions are for us and their message. it was the first time i read about these emotions as not being "bad". i think with this kind of knowledge and your smarts good things can happen  

happy bday LG!

Thanks so much Goldylamont -- I've gotten a copy.

And thanks to each of you for your perspectives and kind words.   I wouldn't be where I am without this community.

[Emelie Emelie]

Happy Birthday Letting Go!  In sharing your journey you've been so helpful to me in mine.  You've offered great advice, and directed me to some good resources which have been enormously helpful.  I appreciate your participation here a great deal.

We broke up for the first time last July.  He turned 50 in October.  By that time we were "friendly".  I called that morning to wish him well and asked what he was doing that evening.  He didn't have plans.  I felt bad for him... . I asked if he wanted to have a drink and he said yes.  It was the first time I'd seen him since the split.  My birthday was in December.  Nada.  I doubt he even had it on his calendar. 

Wishing you a much happier year.

[trappedinlove]

Happy Birthday LG.

We don't know each other outside of this message board but when reading your kind and wise words I get the feeling we have a lot in common.

I found myself relating strongly both to your r/s story, to the way you reacted and to the path you took for recovery.

I wish I had a magic way up my sleeve that would make things easier for you and for others. But I have not.

Sometimes it just sucks indeed as we lost a friend that was very close and meaningful to us and that we loved dearly, more than anyone else until now. It truly hurts and it is supposed to hurt when your heart is truthful.

It seems to me we were gifted with virtues like sensitivity, compassion, empathy and kindness which we invested in our relationships wholeheartedly. And in the aftermath we feel abandoned and used as we gave it all and were betrayed in return. Yes, it hurts. But we still have our hearts on our side. We can heel ourselves and come stronger on the other side. We are loved for what we truly are. On face value. This will be appreciated and is the key to life long happiness.

Keep following your heart LG.