lonely times

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

today i feel ___ing lonely. all my friends have plans. i have a social problem that was there even before meeting my ex. my life has been taking a difficult path for the last 3 years. unemployment, most of my friends leaving my country due to instability. my therapist said that these were factors contributing of being so vulnerable and willing to indulge with my ex. one of the lessons that i have realized after the break up that i should be comfortable to be alone more often. but here i am again. not feeling comfortable to be alone in the weekend. and all of u know how your mind can get you during this difficult phase after the break up. negative thoughts. i feel discarded as ___. i can not make new friends. old ways to get to know new people is not there as before like uni or school. people are busy with their lives either working or spending time with their SO as most of my friends are married now. the overall situation in my country is full of negative energy and people are not that happy overall. in addition that, i am leaving in a week or two to a new country. yes i should be excited but i feel this will be the usual situation (being alone) for some time specially in the beginning phase. This break up is super tough cause it is 1-with a BPD 2-i am alone most of the time 3-i am leaving soon to a new country with a lot of uncertainty and questionable future

should i be more ok with spending all these times alone ? i am just sitting here lost

[antjs]

today i feel ___ing lonely. all my friends have plans. i have a social problem that was there even before meeting my ex. my life has been taking a difficult path for the last 3 years. unemployment, most of my friends leaving my country due to instability. my therapist said that these were factors contributing of being so vulnerable and willing to indulge with my ex. one of the lessons that i have realized after the break up that i should be comfortable to be alone more often. but here i am again. not feeling comfortable to be alone in the weekend. and all of u know how your mind can get you during this difficult phase after the break up. negative thoughts. i feel discarded as ___. i can not make new friends. old ways to get to know new people is not there as before like uni or school. people are busy with their lives either working or spending time with their SO as most of my friends are married now. the overall situation in my country is full of negative energy and people are not that happy overall. in addition that, i am leaving in a week or two to a new country. yes i should be excited but i feel this will be the usual situation (being alone) for some time specially in the beginning phase. This break up is super tough cause it is 1-with a BPD 2-i am alone most of the time 3-i am leaving soon to a new country with a lot of uncertainty and questionable future

should i be more ok with spending all these times alone ? i am just sitting here lost

[LostGhost]

I've never been comfortable with being alone either. It worsens as I get older and my social circles become thinner due to the sane reasons you mention - people spending time with their SO, their kids, their families. Family - something I desires to have long before this point in my life. Being alone is hard on weekends and holidays especially.

I would look at your move to a new destination as an opportunity to establish a new foundation for yourself. There will be uncertainty at first but know who you are in your core and hold true to that. Let go of what is no longer useful or serving a purpose to you at this point in your life. When you venture out, strike up conversations with both males and females. Use the same validation techniques offered on this site even with nonBPD individuals.

I hope for both of us that with enough confidence and focus, we will attract the right people to us and find a sustainable relationship. Good luck to you!

[corraline]

antony_james.

I hear you .

I used to be quite okay with being alone in the past.  I am a bit of a hermit . I  spent so much time with him tho that i did not have much of a social circle left when we broke up.  Being alone with so many painful feelings and confusion has been extremely difficult.  I could almost not bear it, truthfully.  I had to practise extreme self care and just move through those difficult feelings like a wave.  I would do few small pleasurable activities. It was very difficult. I started to socialize just a wee bit . I still get anxious when the weekend comes. ugh, by myself again.  my whole life was him and trying to figure out the craziness . That was so unhealthy.

As i am working thru this process and healing i am finding that i am getting more comfortable being by myself.

Can you consider the move as an opportunity for you to discover or explore something new?

We are here for you antony and although its not quite the same as people to hang out with in the flesh, just remember we share so much here and that kind of connection is certainly of great value.

[Red Sky]

Seconded. We're here for you!

I've had this kind of experience and it has ups and downs. I've been working away from my home country for a year (albeit staying with family), and yes, I've found it difficult to make friends. I think you have to be very proactive about it, and I've been in a somewhat strange situation which has made it nearly impossible to find friends.

Despite this, I honestly cannot remember the last time I was as happy as I am now. Moving somewhere new is a little push out of your comfort zone, and actually that can be an exhilarating thing that really builds your confidence. Starting a job and finding I thrived in it, finding I loved my new home, these were awesome.

Also the physical distance from my ex was great. It removed all of the mental triggers, broke all the routines which might once have involved him... . It was PERFECT for moving on. Perfect.

What I will advise is that you settle yourself with the fact you will spend time on your own. That, too, can be really exciting once you just... . Accept. I may have said this before, but when you're by yourself is a great time to explore, be spontaneous... . Revel in doing whatever you want.

[antjs]

antony_james.

I hear you .

I used to be quite okay with being alone in the past.  I am a bit of a hermit . I  spent so much time with him tho that i did not have much of a social circle left when we broke up.  Being alone with so many painful feelings and confusion has been extremely difficult.  I could almost not bear it, truthfully.  I had to practise extreme self care and just move through those difficult feelings like a wave.  I would do few small pleasurable activities. It was very difficult. I started to socialize just a wee bit . I still get anxious when the weekend comes. ugh, by myself again.  my whole life was him and trying to figure out the craziness . That was so unhealthy.

As i am working thru this process and healing i am finding that i am getting more comfortable being by myself.

Can you consider the move as an opportunity for you to discover or explore something new?

We are here for you antony and although its not quite the same as people to hang out with in the flesh, just remember we share so much here and that kind of connection is certainly of great value.

thanks corraline 

[antjs]

Also the physical distance from my ex was great. It removed all of the mental triggers, broke all the routines which might once have involved him... . It was PERFECT for moving on. Perfect.

yes after a week of the break up i had to travel to the other country  to search for jobs and she traveled 2 days after the break up for freelance work in a third country. it was super difficult for me to collect myself, be strong and focus to find a job as it is an important turning point in my career cause i am currently unemployed. before fully understanding about BPD it was very hurtful cause i thought it was kinda pre planned by her to dump me just before she travels (maybe it is the case).

now i am back to my country and she lives in the same neighborhood. i find a lot of triggers like places. i bumped into her one month ago and we acted like total strangers. she could not even make an eye contact. this has set me back for a little. now when i get to the street i look for her face. its kinda weird. i want to see her (to face her since the break up was over texts and i want to give her that shameful look) and at the same time i dont want to ever see her cause i want to heal