You can say "No"
I'm half-joking, but it is true that you do need to reach a point where you are no longer living under the regime of their dominating temper tantrums.
If he asks, maybe say something like, "I care about you a lot. And I understand that you don't want to lose me. But I can't... . "
Then you need to decide if you finish that sentence with "not the way things are... . " and see if he gets help or if you just plan an exit strategy and bail.
Honestly (and you can take this with a grain of salt, because it is your decision not mine), I would never marry the dude... . and I would run. If you have no kids and aren't married, run. It will only get worse. And if there is even the most remote chance of them really facing things, getting help, and improving somewhat over the years, how many years of pain do you want to put yourself (and your potential children) through while there are countless other good men out there looking for a good partner? I cannot tell you how I wish I could go back and make a different choice. :)on't get me wrong... . I love our children more than my own life. In that sense, they are worth every ounce of anguish I lived through. But they have been through so much, and it is sometimes daunting to realize that I will never really get away from my ex. Not really. I can move on and break away, but she and her games will tangentially or directly impact me for the rest of my life and there is nothing I can do about it.
In my mind, it's one thing to be married to a person and find out that they have BPD. You have a family, you have kids. There is a lot at stake. But if you don't have a marriage and kids together, holy cow... . get out before you waste another breath, get out before you expose yourself to any more trauma that will just damage you for the potential person you will actually commit to and spend the rest of your life with.
