i miss the companionship - wishful thinking :(

[antjs]

tonight i was with friends (she knows them) and we were having a good night with drinks and poker. i lasted till i was playing for the 1st and 2nd with my friend. and then it hit me. i wish she would still be there encouraging me to win. i won. i wish she would be there to smile, give me a hug and a kiss telling me that i am the winner. the winner of the pot and the winner of her heart. at that exact moment if she was still there i would be making love to her in bed instead of writing here. before breaking up we knew that i would be going to dubai to look for a job and then i would travel again to dubai to start working and during the mid-stage (this stage where i am in my country and where she is currently living as her sister lives her with her husband) we would look for a job for her in dubai too as her life is not stable (she left her country cause her parents were "over protective" and she travels to america every now and then for freelance work so my plan is more solid than her life's plan). by god's grace, i found a job and its only about days to travel to dubai again. the sadness just hit me that she is not there this night to enjoy it with me. by now, we would be looking for jobs for her in dubai. by now we would be both planning to travel to a new place and write a new future together. its all ashes now. i miss the companionship. i miss to look in her eyes. i miss her hug.

i have no questions. i just need to get it out. maybe i am the winner of the pot tonight, but i wish that i would be winning something else. i try to always remember myself that she is not she. she is a disorder. i loved a disorder. i lived with a disorder. i slept with a disorder. i was hurt by a disorder. i am missing a disorder :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

[JackBlacknBlue]

I hear you.  I signed in for a similar reason... . because I miss what I thought existed, but doesn't.  Sunday night was always the night we cooked a new recipe together, bemoaned the upcoming work week and watched episode of favorite show.  I miss it too.  I grieve the loss and miss the person that I thought would be a friend in my life. 

AJ, sorry for your loss of what you imagined was a future with her and all the daily little things that add up to a lot.

 

[Mutt]

I'm sorry for your loss as well antony_james. It's difficult when you did something mutual and she was encouraging you and showing affection. Disorder or not it us companionship that you miss the most? That's the most difficult part I believe is that loss. Thanks for sharing your feelings and loss. Hang in there.

[LostGhost]

This tugs at my heart strings too. It's the little things I miss. And nothing felt better than to hear the words "I love you and I'm proud of you" from her lips. It made everything I ever did seem worthwhile. I still do all the same things but they have less impact because I'm just doing them for me... . going through the motions I suppose. It's like everything I do is a concerted effort to improve myself and my life... . but secretly, in the back of my mind... . I know who I'm really doing it for.

Cooking dinner and eating it alone? Very unnerving. I'd give just about anything to hear her voice again, to run my fingers through her hair. I used to have a smile ear to ear when I cooked a new recipe because I couldn't wait for her to try it. Now I just cook to suppress my hunger. I don't even think I taste the food any more.

I exercise every day, go to yoga and meditation, still have my full time career, I paint and write, I go out with friends. But there's an emptiness that follows me everywhere. My smiles and laughter seem forced as if to say to others "I'm doing fine, nothing to worry about here!" But the reality is more somber.

For those who finally let go and moved on... . did you find someone else to share your life with or are you still alone? Either way, does your mind still drift to thoughts of your ex even after months or years?

I'm at a disadvantage because I can't resent my ex. I never experienced the "rages" a lot of people speak of. Her rage equivalent was just... . coldness, distance, dead eyes, thousand yard stare kind of thing. It emotionally drained me and still felt abusive but she never called me names or beat me or anything like that. Every other BPD trait was definitely there though.

For those who got back with their ex in a recycle attempt... . do you recall if they threw out any of your gifts, letters, mementos etc during the breakup? I have a gut feeling that she threw out my gifts so that she wouldn't have to face her emotions by having reminders of me around.

Today was another difficult day. I can't stop conjuring her up in my dreams

[Red Sky]

I just want to give massive hugs to you all... .    

I love my life without a partner, I can honestly say it. But it doesn't mean that I wouldn't like a functional relationship... . I would like a functional relationship just to prove to myself that I am still capable of having one. My mind still drifts to my exbf, yeah, but I don't feel like there's a gap in my life. (It mainly drifts to bad memories before I can even process the good ones!) I suspect this is to do with the fact that I moved away from my hometown and all of the memory triggers and routines we had together though.

[maternal]

I'm at a disadvantage because I can't resent my ex. I never experienced the "rages" a lot of people speak of. Her rage equivalent was just... . coldness, distance, dead eyes, thousand yard stare kind of thing. It emotionally drained me and still felt abusive but she never called me names or beat me or anything like that. Every other BPD trait was definitely there though.

For those who got back with their ex in a recycle attempt... . do you recall if they threw out any of your gifts, letters, mementos etc during the breakup? I have a gut feeling that she threw out my gifts so that she wouldn't have to face her emotions by having reminders of me around.

My ex was much like yours.  I can recall him raging three times in the four years that we were together.  He was more of a lecturing, intimacy withholding, distant, coldness type, with passive-aggressive taunting and a need to have several other women in line via email or text that he could "test" me with.  And yes, even when we hadn't officially broken up yet, he'd already deleted photos of us, tossed gifts and notes and essentially removed me from his life even though I was still in it.

[Blimblam]

"For those who got back with their ex in a recycle attempt... . do you recall if they threw out any of your gifts, letters, mementos etc during the breakup? I have a gut feeling that she threw out my gifts so that she wouldn't have to face her emotions by having reminders of me around."


mine had kept everything.

I surprised her on valentines day with her favorite flower in her vehicle and she dried it and kept it their.  months later I saw it and she wont let anyone touch it for fear of it  crumbling.  She is so sentimental it makes me tear up when I think about her.  It confuses me to no end she can be so sentimental and sweet like that she must care. It always makes me thing that the disorder is on a spectrum so maybe she can feel thos things more than most.  She seems like she doesn't want to do these things but she can not help it.  Often in wishful thinking  I wonder if she is the puppet and the disorder the puppeteer.  If that is the case then maybe she really does care about me.  She never raged.  But the belittling and other behaviors.  those things  caused her to become a trigger for me.  

I remember when I discovered BPD and had my confusion confirmed. Then when I learned that it was permanent My heart broke again.

[Red Sky]

Blimblam you just wrote my feels. All of them. Perfectly.

Disorders are a part of a person. If they were the whole thing, then no person with BPD would be unique... . Like you, with my exes seeing the humanity and not the disorder, or seeing the two as separate, is the most confusing, painful bit.

[AwakenedOne]

Hi AJ,

Sorry your hurting today.

I'm glad you got to spend some time with your friends though and have a bit of fun. Another good thing is that you won in poker and didn't loose all your money instead.

I hope you find a nice and very beautiful woman in Dubai.

Peace,

AO

[antjs]

Thanks AO it was a small pot  we just play for few cents. i hope dubai would be good to me.


as for other comments, my ex did not throw anything related to any of her exs. she showed me pics with them (part of the emotional abuse), owned perfumes that were gifts from her exs and so on. she did not use to rage. but still other BPD symptoms were there. she was very impulsive. she could not express her feelings or rage and that breaks my heart now since i understand the disorder well. she just use promiscuity to escape her pain.

i just miss the companionship. it feels good to be loved, understood and appreciated by someone you love.

[Mutt]

i just miss the companionship. it feels good to be loved, understood and appreciated by someone you love.

That's understandable but often we look with rose colored glasses. This person does not hold the keys to our happiness. Reflect on her bad behaviors and acting out.

“Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.”—Gloria Steinem

[wake up]

Hey AJ I live in Dubai and trust me: there are a LOT of beautiful single women here and a huge shortage of decent guys.  I have a feeling you will enjoy your life here a lot, it's very social!

I'm sure you will find a lot to distract you, and the distance from your ex will help you forget her.  It's hard coming up to dates and not feel an emptiness inside you (I'm having nightmares about my baby being sick and waking up feeling very empty- because my due date would have been next week).

Everyone gets lonely and sentimental, especially when you are about to make huge changes alone.  Perhaps you are just feeling lonely because you are thinking about your life in a new country and leaving all your friends behind? That would make anyone feel a bit sad.