She texted after a couple of weeks of no contact...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Happy fathers day to all dads out there  


I wanted to give an update so I can get some of your opinions. The uBPD ex texted me last night at around midnight. I am assuming she was drunk somewhere  . She texted me saying " You have wrecked my life, I want you to know that" .

I almost replied back saying how the F did I wrecked your life? It is just crazy. I treated that girl like a queen. As I mentioned before, I rubbed her feet, massaged her head , her back and cooked for her. I tried to show her how much I loved her physically and emotionally and that still didnt suffice to her? . Obvioulsy, it was saturday night and she is either out with whoever or she is at home drinking her face off lamenting my abcense. I dont know what to think about all of this. That text last night fortifies what I think about her. She is a mess. I really would like to help her and get through her head that the way she is living life is going to bite her in the @ss some day.  I think she knows I was good to her and she is being treated like sht by her new MEN in her life.


Any comments on why she would text me saying that guys? I am baffled about that text. She has told me not to contact her because would be better for both of us, yet I got that last night.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Happy fathers day to all dads out there  


I wanted to give an update so I can get some of your opinions. The uBPD ex texted me last night at around midnight. I am assuming she was drunk somewhere  . She texted me saying " You have wrecked my life, I want you to know that" .

I almost replied back saying how the F did I wrecked your life? It is just crazy. I treated that girl like a queen. As I mentioned before, I rubbed her feet, massaged her head , her back and cooked for her. I tried to show her how much I loved her physically and emotionally and that still didnt suffice to her? . Obvioulsy, it was saturday night and she is either out with whoever or she is at home drinking her face off lamenting my abcense. I dont know what to think about all of this. That text last night fortifies what I think about her. She is a mess. I really would like to help her and get through her head that the way she is living life is going to bite her in the @ss some day.  I think she knows I was good to her and she is being treated like sht by her new MEN in her life.


Any comments on why she would text me saying that guys? I am baffled about that text. She has told me not to contact her because would be better for both of us, yet I got that last night.

[hurting300]

Buddy I feel your pain, my BPD girl hasn't contacted me in two months. Ask her how you have ruined her life. Then drop her.

[JackBlacknBlue]

only one answer:  she wants you to react and to react in a way that reaffirms for her that she still has access to you whenever she wants it. 

my advice:  don't respond at all.  delete message. 

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I think my best option here is to ignore her. It sucks that you have to ignore someone you love so much because you know is a lost cause. I know that girl is hurting right now and that is the reason she sent me that text. She gets advice from her two skank friends and that is why she is in this predicament. I just dont know what is going to take for her to realize how she treated her ex and how she treated me. I read somewhere that the best way to think about all of this is that I left this planet after she broke up with me and I can't back come back.

I am so tempted to reply and say don't contact me ever again. You need help, go get some therapy because you will be in this drama and turmoil for the rest of your life.

[JackBlacknBlue]

type the text that you so are so tempted to reply with and then don't send it. type it to get out of your system but don't send.  If you send it, you are inviting the drama back onto your planet. 

[AwakenedOne]

I am so tempted to reply and say don't contact me ever again. You need help, go get some therapy because you will be in this drama and turmoil for the rest of your life.

1. She needs an emotional punching bag, that's why your were texted to be the punching bag. Watch out for the "sucker punch" if you do contact her.

2. She needs you for her "drama fix"

3. She needs to know where you and her currently stand. You will always be her property (her object) even if you are dumped.

4. She wrecked her own life.

5. She wants to create drama to cause you to have a deep conversation and she might try to recycle you if she likes your reactions to her drama.

6. You cant be responsible for saving her.

I would not respond at all. There is nothing to gain and everything to lose. Telling her how she did you wrong and how nice you were to her will mean nothing to her. Trust me I been there. I would not advise her to get therapy either. There is no need to contact her to tell her to not contact you.

These are my opinions.

Peace,

AO

[fromheeltoheal]

Sounds like projection to me: blaming you for wrecking her life absolves her of any responsibility.  Mine was an expert at that, the reason being when I did firmly place blame on her for something she couldn't deny, she went into a dibilitating shame spiral that lasted a very long time; lots of motivation for being creative and finding ways to blame me, even if a complete fiction.

Up to you how long you stay immersed in the pathology.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I believe # 3 is spot on. She did that to me the last 4 times she broke up with me. We got into a "heart to heart" conversation and as she put it " She let me back into her life" 

Deep down I know she is hurting I am sure. it is like she can control how she behaves and treats the people closest to her. She has lost a lot of female friends because of her drama. She knows that... I know that.

What a terrible painful life to live... .

I am so tempted to reply and say don't contact me ever again. You need help, go get some therapy because you will be in this drama and turmoil for the rest of your life.

2. She needs you for her "drama fix"

3. She needs to know where you and her currently stand. You will always be her property (her object) even if you are dumped.

4. She wrecked her own life.

5. She wants to create drama to cause you to have a deep conversation and she might try to recycle you if she likes your reactions to her drama.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I believe # 3 is spot on. She did that to me the last 4 times she broke up with me. We got into a "heart to heart" conversation and as she put it " She let me back into her life" 

Deep down I know she is hurting I am sure. it is like she can't control how she behaves and treats the people closest to her. She has lost a lot of female friends because of her drama. She knows that... I know that.

What a terrible painful life to live... .

I am so tempted to reply and say don't contact me ever again. You need help, go get some therapy because you will be in this drama and turmoil for the rest of your life.

2. She needs you for her "drama fix"

3. She needs to know where you and her currently stand. You will always be her property (her object) even if you are dumped.

4. She wrecked her own life.

5. She wants to create drama to cause you to have a deep conversation and she might try to recycle you if she likes your reactions to her drama.

[schwing]

Hi Notsurewhattothinkofthis,

One of the characteristics of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is the behavior of "splitting" or alternating between idealization and devaluation.  And something to keep in mind is that she was going through this "splitting" even while she was with you.

I really would like to help her and get through her head that the way she is living life is going to bite her in the @ss some day.  I think she knows I was good to her and she is being treated like sht by her new MEN in her life.

You cannot help her or cure her of this behavior, it is part of her BPD.  From your perspective she is going to continue to lose good relationships, just like she has lost her relationship with you.  But from her perspective, her relationship with you is the same as her relationship with the guys of her past and the guys of her future; they will *always* alternate between being the "ideal" and being the "worst".

Even if she is "treated like sht by her new MEN... . " she will *still* idealize them, just as she will come to devalue them.  She is a "mess" in that her perspective of her relationships is completely distorted by her disorder.

I wanted to give an update so I can get some of your opinions. The uBPD ex texted me last night at around midnight. I am assuming she was drunk somewhere  . She texted me saying " You have wrecked my life, I want you to know that" .

... .

Any comments on why she would text me saying that guys? I am baffled about that text. She has told me not to contact her because would be better for both of us, yet I got that last night.

When she "idealizes" you, she will only remember and think of all the good things she liked about you.  But when she "devalues" you, she will only remember and think of all the bad things -- she at those times she will truly believe that you "wrecked" her life.

I almost replied back saying how the F did I wrecked your life? It is just crazy. I treated that girl like a queen. As I mentioned before, I rubbed her feet, massaged her head , her back and cooked for her. I tried to show her how much I loved her physically and emotionally and that still didnt suffice to her? .

It doesn't matter what you do or don't do.  Idealization... . alternating with devaluation... . and this is why they make us crazy.  One minute we think they truly appreciate us and what we bring into their lives.  And the next minute they won't have anything to do with us.  You can't have a stable relationship out that kind of dynamic.


Best wishes, Schwing

[Tausk]

Happy fathers day to all dads out there  


I wanted to give an update so I can get some of your opinions. The uBPD ex texted me last night at around midnight. I am assuming she was drunk somewhere  . She texted me saying " You have wrecked my life, I want you to know that" .

I almost replied back saying how the F did I wrecked your life? It is just crazy. I treated that girl like a queen. As I mentioned before, I rubbed her feet, massaged her head , her back and cooked for her. I tried to show her how much I loved her physically and emotionally and that still didnt suffice to her? . Obvioulsy, it was saturday night and she is either out with whoever or she is at home drinking her face off lamenting my abcense. I dont know what to think about all of this. That text last night fortifies what I think about her. She is a mess. I really would like to help her and get through her head that the way she is living life is going to bite her in the @ss some day.  I think she knows I was good to her and she is being treated like sht by her new MEN in her life.

Any comments on why she would text me saying that guys? I am baffled about that text. She has told me not to contact her because would be better for both of us, yet I got that last night.

Notsure:  Listen to Schwing.  My last three exgfswBPD all said to me at the end... . "you've runined my life."  Which floored me, because I was totally involved in rescuing them to the pont of not having any life of my own.  

They have a difficult time thinking in terms of both good and bad for exes, so if you are on the outs, then you must be all evil.  

Depersonalize.  It's the Disorder.  Let it be a sign to you that you are fortunate to out of the it.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I think it is projection as well.  I believe guilt is killing her right now. I think she is trying to alleviate it by projecting blame towards me. The thing is , doesn't she get it that she is in the same situation with me just like she was with her ex? Doesn't she realize she is ruining every relationship she is in with her lying, alcohol abuse, and cheating? Does she love drama that much?

Sounds like projection to me: blaming you for wrecking her life absolves her of any responsibility.  Mine was an expert at that, the reason being when I did firmly place blame on her for something she couldn't deny, she went into a dibilitating shame spiral that lasted a very long time; lots of motivation for being creative and finding ways to blame me, even if a complete fiction.

Up to you how long you stay immersed in the pathology.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Awesome feedback Schwing. Thanks

Hi Notsurewhattothinkofthis,

One of the characteristics of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is the behavior of "splitting" or alternating between idealization and devaluation.  And something to keep in mind is that she was going through this "splitting" even while she was with you.

I really would like to help her and get through her head that the way she is living life is going to bite her in the @ss some day.  I think she knows I was good to her and she is being treated like sht by her new MEN in her life.

You cannot help her or cure her of this behavior, it is part of her BPD.  From your perspective she is going to continue to lose good relationships, just like she has lost her relationship with you.  But from her perspective, her relationship with you is the same as her relationship with the guys of her past and the guys of her future; they will *always* alternate between being the "ideal" and being the "worst".

Even if she is "treated like sht by her new MEN... . " she will *still* idealize them, just as she will come to devalue them.  She is a "mess" in that her perspective of her relationships is completely distorted by her disorder.

I wanted to give an update so I can get some of your opinions. The uBPD ex texted me last night at around midnight. I am assuming she was drunk somewhere  . She texted me saying " You have wrecked my life, I want you to know that" .

... .

Any comments on why she would text me saying that guys? I am baffled about that text. She has told me not to contact her because would be better for both of us, yet I got that last night.

When she "idealizes" you, she will only remember and think of all the good things she liked about you.  But when she "devalues" you, she will only remember and think of all the bad things -- she at those times she will truly believe that you "wrecked" her life.

I almost replied back saying how the F did I wrecked your life? It is just crazy. I treated that girl like a queen. As I mentioned before, I rubbed her feet, massaged her head , her back and cooked for her. I tried to show her how much I loved her physically and emotionally and that still didnt suffice to her? .

It doesn't matter what you do or don't do.  Idealization... . alternating with devaluation... . and this is why they make us crazy.  One minute we think they truly appreciate us and what we bring into their lives.  And the next minute they won't have anything to do with us.  You can't have a stable relationship out that kind of dynamic.


Best wishes, Schwing

[fromheeltoheal]

The thing is , doesn't she get it that she is in the same situation with me just like she was with her ex? Doesn't she realize she is ruining every relationship she is in with her lying, alcohol abuse, and cheating? Does she love drama that much?

You're trying to apply rational thinking.  If she's truly disordered, meaning she has a mental illness, she doesn't have a choice.  The black/white thinking, the idealization/devaluation is involuntary and unstable, and the projection is a defense mechanism for how that makes her feel.  Part of that is the fact her emotional development was arrested whenever the original trauma that created the disorder occurred; think about how a child feels, in black and white.  Shades of gray and nuance, the ability to perceive someone as a mix of 'good' and 'bad' traits, comes later, with a little maturity; children either love you or hate you all the way and it can change on a dime.  No one would choose that, which is why we let it go as we mature, but a borderline is stuck there for life, a living hell, always hoping the next relationship will 'cure' it, only to repeat it.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Very true. She is so inmature for her age. It is so hard to comprehend how someone at her age can be so inmature. She is living for the present and does not care what happens in an hour or two from now or tomorrow. When is it ever going to end who knows. Good point on, "they are always hoping the next relationship will 'cure' it, only to repeat it". That is exactly what is happening to her. It is just crazy.

The thing is , doesn't she get it that she is in the same situation with me just like she was with her ex? Doesn't she realize she is ruining every relationship she is in with her lying, alcohol abuse, and cheating? Does she love drama that much?

You're trying to apply rational thinking.  If she's truly disordered, meaning she has a mental illness, she doesn't have a choice.  The black/white thinking, the idealization/devaluation is involuntary and unstable, and the projection is a defense mechanism for how that makes her feel.  Part of that is the fact her emotional development was arrested whenever the original trauma that created the disorder occurred; think about how a child feels, in black and white.  Shades of gray and nuance, the ability to perceive someone as a mix of 'good' and 'bad' traits, comes later, with a little maturity; children either love you or hate you all the way and it can change on a dime.  No one would choose that, which is why we let it go as we mature, but a borderline is stuck there for life, a living hell, always hoping the next relationship will 'cure' it, only to repeat it.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I have to admit and share it with you guys .

Was bothering me and asked her how I ruined her life. I think I took the bate .  I wanted to know what she was talking about . Her response was " I was drinking... Sorry ... . I was being silly" . I replied saying to her to not contact me because if she is dating a new guy , he won't be happy if she is texting me. also told her if I meet a girl. She won't be too if she is texting me. She responded but I know she will .

[AwakenedOne]

She responded but I know she will.

Positives:

1. You reset your boundaries by basically telling her to not contact you again.

2. You told her that your going to find a new girl.

3. You were nice and respectful.

You have the option now to not answer a call, not respond to a text and to not open your front door.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Hey AO,

I know that I should have not responded to her drunken text but I wanted to know. I'm actually starting to hate this girl. She is a mess and she doesn't have a clue how to be normal. I am going to be an ahole next time she texts me. She is being so manipulative . Crazy !

She responded but I know she will.

Positives:

1. You reset your boundaries by basically telling her to not contact you again.

2. You told her that your going to find a new girl.

3. You were nice and respectful.

You have the option now to not answer a call, not respond to a text and to not open your front door.

[AwakenedOne]

I know that I should have not responded to her drunken text but I wanted to know. I'm actually starting to hate this girl. She is a mess and she doesn't have a clue how to be normal. I am going to be an ahole next time she texts me. She is being so manipulative.

I understand your frustration and pain. Hate is something that will hurt you more than it does her though. You might just convert it to a healthy anger. Instead of telling her off, completely ignoring her will do the trick. People with BPD it seems don't like to be ignored. Hang in there bro.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

You are right AO.

As tough as it is. Ignoring her is the way to go.

Thanks