How do you explain it to outsiders?

[fortunes_fool]

It's been several months since I came to terms with the fact that my relationship with my BPD exgf messed with me beyond what I ever could have imagined. Since we broke up, I've educated myself thoroughly on BPD, and have examined, as much as I'm able, the events of our 3 1/2-year relationship. Where I have trouble, though, is explaining the situation to friends and family. Despite my family having known my ex fairly well, they still think I should just be able to shake it off; they don't see, regardless of my trying to explain BPD and how it affected her to them, that she was any different from any other ex. Even my old therapist, who had seen my ex and me for a few couples' counseling sessions aside from our individual sessions, thinks I'm demonizing my ex at least somewhat; she doesn't believe my ex is BPD, and thinks I'm just focusing on the negative aspects of the relationship. How do others cope with this?

[refusetosuccumb]

That's hard.  I understand.  I'm 7wks out of a 16yr relationship with my uBPDxh. 

The only opinion that should matter is yours.  You don't need to justify anything to anyone, ever.  If they think your ex is so fantastic they can marry her. 

But seriously, maybe develop a line that says "back off" with whatever style you are comfortable with.  My ex's family is big on wanting explanations.  I just say "it's what's best for all of us" without going into detail.  You are allowed to say "I'm done talking about this" when someone pries.  The rude one isn't you, it's the person that's forcing you for an explanation they deem "acceptable" for what you did.

I've always had trouble shutting down people.  But I've developed a thicker skin these days.  If we can survive a BPD relationship and come out sane on the other side, frankly no one else's opinion but mine counts about my own life.

Good luck.

[trappedinlove]

I don't try to explain it too much. One important thing though is that I talk only about myself and never badmouth her, even when she might be at fault.

I have several close friends who do understand and I'm very fortunate for that and for the rest I just say it's very complicated and difficult for me to cope with.

Sadly, I had to distance myself from one common close friend who couldn't see my side of the story, how painful and problematic it was for me. She was angry at me for clinging and couldn't understand why I can't willingly move on.

The main thing is that I focus on self validation and I'm confident enough that I don't need everybody to see my pain. Certainly I need nobody to see me as a victim.

[Lion Fire]

I hid a lot in the beginning and people found it surprising that I was so broken after such a relatively short relationship. They had seen me come through "bigger" challenges in my life such as the death of my wife, serious illness, addiction and loss, with much more composure and serenity.

I tried to keep a lid on it all when we split and offered only selected info and played down the situation.

Finally, I broke and came clean with those closest to me and shared with them exactly what had happened... . the verbal, emotional and mental abuse, the blackmail, control, manipulation, debasement, abnormal sexual pressure, crazy making behaviour, hostage taking etc... When I did this they were truly shocked and sympathetic. I was keeping secrets from my friends and family and this was just about shame and guilt. One friend found it so hard to believe but was convinced to the point of being in tears when I showed her some of the vile volleys of abuse she sent me via text. In such a short time, I became isolated and caught up in the mayhem of this toxic relationship to the point where I was so dizzy and disorientated that I thought it was normal and tried to raise my game to keep up with the demands.

My people were very supportive after this disclosure.

That said, unless you have been enmeshed in such a mad situation, you will never fully understand. That's why I hang out here quite a lot 

[Soulslider]

Hi Fortunes Fool,

Yes it's very hard! Your post could might as well be my post. Exactly the same. Mine was a 3.5 year relationship as well, and like you my parents knew her quite well. No where near as well as my previous relationships, but that's not the point. I think that you do come to realize, just like others have said, that our family or close friends can't truly understand the complexity of the relationship and it's futile exercise to try and explain. My friends and family are very supportive as well, but as previously mentioned, I came to realize the facts and I don't need others to understand fully since I do. :-) And this god sent site is here where all the lovely people fully understand :-)

Take care of yourself   

[kba1969]

Yes, these boards are awesome.  I'm trying to limit my conversations about my X to my T and here.  People don't understand at all, even when I reached out to my family they said that I need to move on.  It's hard because they almost think I'm crazy!  If you try to explain why you recycled 10 times and that you were cheated on throughout the entire relationship I can see why!  It is f'n crazy!  I'm so sick of everything at this point, the next recycle attempt is gonna prove to her that I'm in control of me and there's nothing left for her, I'm done!  I'm actually embarrassed to even talk to anyone about the last two years. 

[Mutt]

just be able to shake it off; they don't see, regardless of my trying to explain BPD and how it affected her to them, that she was any different from any other ex. Even my old therapist, who had seen my ex and me for a few couples' counseling sessions aside from our individual sessions, thinks I'm demonizing my ex at least somewhat; she doesn't believe my ex is BPD, and thinks I'm just focusing on the negative aspects of the relationship. How do others cope with this?

I'm sorry fortunes_fool. It's tough. During and after the r/s outsiders don't understand and invalidate with "shake it off", I guess that's the recipe for some with grieving and closure? I wish is was that easy but it's not.

It's invisible and triggered by intimacy and the acting out as seen by the people closest to them and behind closed doors. We end up looking like the  crazy ones trying to explain that hidden layer. My T's didn't pick up on her: Triangulation, black and white thinking, blaming etc. It is what it is after all is said and done. The only people that understand without explaining everything are the members on this site and at the end of the day, that's enough validation for me.

[wake up]

Finally, I broke and came clean with those closest to me and shared with them exactly what had happened... . the verbal, emotional and mental abuse, the blackmail, control, manipulation, debasement, abnormal sexual pressure, crazy making behaviour, hostage taking etc... When I did this they were truly shocked and sympathetic. I was keeping secrets from my friends and family and this was just about shame and guilt.

I know exactly what you mean, no one understands the torture of these relationships and when they are shown the proof (in my case some very scary and threatening messages) they are shocked and become your biggest ally.  My friend tried to reassure me that we would get back together because we 'always do' and I had to convince her that I truly didn't want that this time, that I need her to keep me away from him now.    I confessed to her all the things I had kept hidden, out of shame and fear.  When my uBPD ex bf told me I'm not allowed to be friends with her I refused and the final end came within a couple of weeks.  I tolerated a lot- but trying to keep me away from my best friend? NEVER!

[OnceConfused]

In general, people don't understand the psychological effects of living or being with BPD, because psychological abuse don't leave any physical scar or evidence. All my life, although I can sense the sadness of the poeple who lost their spouse but only after the sudden death of my late wife that I can see the enormous impact of grief.  I did not sleep literally for months, my mind was in the fog for many months, though outside I smiled and acted normally.

Another example is that I heard of bipolar but I did not know how bad it is until after I personally experienced the effect of being with BPD.

My xBPDgf , to the outside world, was a very nice person. She acted shyly, spoke softly, saying the right things to others and yet inside a demon was waiting to unleash its wrath, not with physical actions but with words, to her bfs.

I am just so glad that I was able to get out only after 9 months. I feel so bad for those who stay year after year and unable to get out because of one reason or the others.

[Love Is Not Enough]

I just ask them if they have seen Fatal Attraction. If so, then I just say it is kind of like that, but without the rabbit.

That was kind of supposed to be funny, but I know in reality it's not. Being still in the rs I think I have a unique perspective on it. I have been able to use the tools to reduce conflict and at the same working on my dependency issues thereby making myself stronger. I think those of us that have stayed, at least for a time, are lucky because we have been able to work through a lot of issues while still in it. I am not as serious about it as I used to be and can look at it in a more balanced way.

I think what you are looking for from others is validation about what you went through. Don't worry about what they think. We know what you went through and people just do not get it unless they have. Validate yourself. You know what you went through. Work through it and let it go. Then make sure you don't do it again by finding out what is going on with you that got you into the rs in the first place.

You will forever be changed. You may even have PTSD. I know I do from when I was physically attacked. My gf is currently doing EMDR with her T for PTSD and she recommended it to me! I may actually try it. She does always like to tell me what is good for the goose is good for the gander    Yes, that is one of her favorite lines to use when she is playing her games.

I know I am still in it, but if I got out today I would spend a lot more time focusing on myself. I would work out more, visit friends that live far away, get a hobby, go driving, go skydiving... . Heck, I would even work more! Just hang in there and keep working on yourself 

[Vatz]

None of my friends think my ex is fantastic, except maybe my dog. But he doesn't take sides, so thank god for that.

Both my folks think she's selfish. They try not to judge, but they noticed that since I've been with her, I've changed. My uncle came to visit from his home country. When he saw her and how she acted he said "I'm gonna go home and kiss my wife's ass after seeing this." He didn't even know any of the details, he just met her once. She was kinda rude. Still, I always tried to defend her and stick up for her.

[Blimblam]

I still don't know how to explain it

[Blimblam]

someone give me 3 million dollars and Ill make a documentary of finding a borderline and falling in love with her and her breaking me heart for real. 

with some masterfull editing people will know what its like.

[Infared]

I don't think it really can be explained to outsiders. I am in a 12-step recovery program. When I go to my core meetings the people there "get" it... . and we all help one another... . it can be quite magical. 

After my pwBPD ran off with new hero (me villain) I went looking for a therapist... . I was in so much pain I just latched on to one... . (I was near-or-at suicidal and REALLY having a rough time.)... . but after a while I realize that this therapist just did not "get" addiction.  She just did not understand the creature that I was... . you have to have lived that to truly understand it (I guess).   I eventually found a therapist that was in recovery themselves and then I started to get somewhere.  She "got" me... . and ... . oh yeah... . I could not skate or manipulate her... . she really, really understood my mind and my issues and got to the bottom of things in a way I could understand and grow.

Having a break-up with a BPD is VERY similar!  It is basically impossible to have someone [Joe/Josephine] general public), understand the hold that this relationship has on you. People on this website GET it. The stories, the language, the back and forth... . it all helps my sanity... . If I read and post here it helps me understand what I went through, (that I did not imagine it or think that I caused or could have changed it). The reason for the connection here is that everyone has endured this special kind of hell that is usually cloaked in beauty, ultimate validation, and incredible sexual connectivity.  The ride turns out not to be a dream come true... . but the ultimate nightmare. I always kind of knew it was too good to be true... .   The average joe would have never engaged, (that says something about us right there)... . and certainly cannot wrap their head around what the interaction was like or understand our situation. Not possible.

[imstronghere2]

someone give me 3 million dollars and Ill make a documentary of finding a borderline and falling in love with her and her breaking me heart for real. 

with some masterfull editing people will know what its like.

I've thought the very same thing.   I still want to write my story in it's entirety.  After 3 years out, it's unbelievable how doing that though brings me back down to that place I never want to be again.

[Emelie Emelie]

I don't try to explain... . no one understands.  They especially don't understand why I went back to a man who left me so shattered after the first break up.  They don't want to hear about it.  So I talk about it with people here.  And only people with people here. 

What's harder is his friends.  I haven't seen any of them since this break up but after the first there were a lot of questions.  What happened?  They're his friends (not that they're super close friends... . he doesn't have any).  So I'm not about to say "what you don't realize is that he's a raging abusive jerk".  They don't know.  To the rest of the world he's just the greatest guy.  I think some of them suspect he's got some relationship issues.  Or commitment issues.  Even anger issues.  But they have no idea of the depth of those issues.  I met a one of his (relatively) closest friends for the first time and when we parted she said, "Be good to him.  He's a good man.  He's suffered a lot of hurt."  As if I was in control of any of this.  When we reunited before his son's wedding another woman said "Be on your best behavior for the next month.  I want to see you at the wedding."  I almost laughed.  I was always on my best behavior.  Bending over backwards to make him feel loved and secure.  Of course as soon as he did the engulfment fear kicked in.  Truly a no win situation. 

[Blimblam]

someone give me 3 million dollars and Ill make a documentary of finding a borderline and falling in love with her and her breaking me heart for real. 

with some masterfull editing people will know what its like.

I've thought the very same thing.   I still want to write my story in it's entirety.  After 3 years out, it's unbelievable how doing that though brings me back down to that place I never want to be again.

I actually really want to do that as a project.  I realized everything I look for in a woman is really just an extra special Borderline.  Think Penny Lane from almost famous. The Muse.  I think it would be really trippy because if filming was going on 24/7 it would catch all the red flags and inconsistancies too.  I wonder what film would be able to catch, and how much would just be in my head?

[Red Sky]

Usually I deal with it by not talking about it! I got sick of having my feelings invalidated! The other day I tried talking to my mother about my uNPDexbf again, and she said 'relationships shouldn't be so important at your age'. Um. She was engaged at my age. I think she invalidates me because she can't face up to the fact that part of her kid being an adult is that I make choices she can't control, and some of them are stupid, but she still feels she is meant to protect me. But it's frustratingly hypocritical from someone who always wants me to confide everything in her.

With people with whom I don't want to actually talk about sensitive stuff, I also go for pop culture references and self-deprecating humour. When people ask why we broke up I say, 'he was basically Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory'. Nobody asks any more, partly because they can recognise some of the traits I'm referring to.

[Turkish]

someone give me 3 million dollars and Ill make a documentary of finding a borderline and falling in love with her and her breaking me heart for real. 

with some masterfull editing people will know what its like.

I've thought the very same thing.   I still want to write my story in it's entirety.  After 3 years out, it's unbelievable how doing that though brings me back down to that place I never want to be again.

I actually really want to do that as a project.  I realized everything I look for in a woman is really just an extra special Borderline.  Think Penny Lane from almost famous. The Muse.  I think it would be really trippy because if filming was going on 24/7 it would catch all the red flags and inconsistancies too.  I wonder what film would be able to catch, and how much would just be in my head?

Such a person is quite attractive to me... . or used to be. A free spirit is often something we wish we had, until the realities of a functional life intrude. A less functional one might be Forrest Gump's girlfriend/wife, Jenny. And then there is Girl, Interrupted, which is a story about a pwBPD.

[Blimblam]

I think a lot of it has to do with us Nons as well.  Because Some people I have talked to have had relationships with BPDs but it didn't seem to affect them as badly.  I guess that means we have more core issue problems than other people. If you admit this to an outsider it just validates everyones view of you as the problem though.  

Another reason the BPDs people in our life resent us, because we did get so hurt.  

How do you explain to your parents, "It bothers me so much because you were detached and invalidated me my whole life." As sick as it is, we are stuck in a position to heal from a cycle of pain from the people that raised us and our pwBPD, and the people that abused them.  Its like we are shouldering the pain and issues of a cycle of dysfuntion that is multi generational.  We are the ones left to self reflect and hash out the issues of it all.  If you even begin to tell the truth to those people they don't want to see it either.  They see it as shuffling off responsibility it seems.  Being the one taking the time to face these issues and heal is responsible in my opinion though.  In fact, really doing the hard work of self reflection and healing is like taking responsibility of an endless cycle of suffering passed down through the generations.  

to quote tool, "Why are you running away?... . Came out to watch you play." -- Maynard James Keenan

[Panda39]

It took me some time to understand my SO's relationship with his uBPDex.  I thought some of the stories he told me were really weird and didn't take them seriously at first. The longer I was in my relationship with him I began to see some of the ex's behaviors myself, I had never come across a person that lied as much as she did (that's actually how I came across BPD I googled chronic lying!). 

What is happening to non's in a BPD r/s is emotional abuse and sometimes maybe even more.  Someone on another post earlier today attached an article about abuse towards men (physical and emotional).  Besides the crazy actions and emotional abuse of a BPD relationship there can also be a stigma for men who speak of the abuse.  "Man up"  "Get over it"  "Move on"... . Stuff your emotions is the stereotypical message men seem to get... . you shouldn't talk about it or you won't be believed. So for men it may even be harder to communicate what is going on because of sterotypical expectations.

But a BPD in your life is hard to make anyone understand.  Most people on the outside might not believe the stories, if they do believe the stories they may get tired of hearing them, if they do believe you they may wonder why you stay... . they are thinking in terms of a relationship without mental illness and without abuse... . good friends or family members will make the effort to understand and it's up to us to educate them.

[Blimblam]

When I think about it in terms of brainwashing and torture I can explain it better.  IN film when brainwashing or torturing they always talk about that point where a person snaps when they reach there breaking point.  Well I reached mine with her.  That's the only way I can think to explain it.

[Infared]

When I think about it in terms of brainwashing and torture I can explain it better.  IN film when brainwashing or torturing they always talk about that point where a person snaps when they reach there breaking point.  Well I reached mine with her.  That's the only way I can think to explain it.

I resemble that comment.  :-)

[mother in law]

Try adding in the fact that the BPD female (my ex dil) belongs to a race/culture that is seen to be pacifist and anti violence by most people and then try explaining that she is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive and is a master at fooling outsiders with her "demure" ways!  I have had  said to me on numerous occasions she is homesick,  it's cultural etc and the inference that we are harsh because after 10 years we could see the destruction of our son and granddaughter and we're no longer prepared to stand aside and let it happen. I also got sick of my feelings of sadness being invalidated. I found one way to make people think was to say imagine if this was your daughter/son and this was happening to them what would you do?  Most people back tracked. I usually only discuss it with close friends and family now otherwise I found it made me feel more depressed,  sadder and more of a mess than I was. I guess for self survival we need to be careful who we confide in!

[Turkish]

Try adding in the fact that the BPD female (my ex dil) belongs to a race/culture that is seen to be pacifist and anti violence by most people and then try explaining that she is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive and is a master at fooling outsiders with her "demure" ways!  I have had  said to me on numerous occasions she is homesick,  it's cultural etc and the inference that we are harsh because after 10 years we could see the destruction of our son and granddaughter and we're no longer prepared to stand aside and let it happen. I also got sick of my feelings of sadness being invalidated. I found one way to make people think was to say imagine if this was your daughter/son and this was happening to them what would you do?  Most people back tracked. I usually only discuss it with close friends and family now otherwise I found it made me feel more depressed,  sadder and more of a mess than I was. I guess for self survival we need to be careful who we confide in!

The cross-cultural dynamics are something that doesn't get talked about much. Mine is from a culture where the men are machismo, often cheating, with long-suffering, co-dependent wives, typically. I was told this by my uBPDx, and several other people from the same culture, who when I said she cheated, they replied, "that's pretty standard, even for the women." How do I reconcile as what I see as black and white thinking with how much of a stereotype is true?

By definition, a PD is only such that it is outside of the distribution of one's own culture. Being an immigrant, her views are mixed between her home culture, and more progressive and feminist views. Her black and white thinking is that she would she would never date a guy from her own ethnicity (due to her dad), yet my replacement is exactly that. It's hard trying to explain this to outsiders, but thankfully the several people I talked to from her home culture validated my experience as not being that unique. Not my challenge is to not fall into the same pathological world-view.

[whirlpoollife]

I wished so many time my xtbh would of just hit me once then everyone would understand the divorce.

Unless you lived it no one understands the mental abuse a spouse can incur on another.

When I was asked why the divorce I tried to explain. But you can't explain mental emotional physiological abuse.

I said h was abusive. Didn't work either. They looked for physical scars plus h to some came across as polite so how could he possibly be what I say.

So I say now, "h had a lot of issues which increased over time and I couldn't deal with them anymore.  Wished I had done this sooner as my life is much better now".

That seems to work as long as it's left at that by the person asking.