Been NC... tonight she leaves an angry Vm... what ?

[Cimbaruns]

I've been NC since January and in the process of divorcing my uBpdw... .

I asked her to mediate... . she refused... . So I went ahead with retaining a lawyer and going ahead. Long story short... . I signed an agreement on 8 weeks ago and have been waiting for her to sign so my lawyer can file.  Last week my ex sent back the papers and we filed.

About 6 weeks ago I learned that my insurance apparently had been changed when I went to use my card... . so I emailed my ex and asked her to send any updated information ... . no word from her at all until now.

I had my lawyer draft a letter this week to ask her to forward any info regarding the health insurance ... . I assume she got it tonight and it triggered her BIG Time!

I have her blocked on my phone but apparently she was able to leave a message

She basically angrily said she needed to talk about this... . she didn't appreciate a letter stating she needed to provide the health care info... . of course she was covering me... . we were grown women... . and this non communication was ridiculous... . What the heck

MY HEART was pumping a mile a minute as I listened while she raged on the phone...

Is this her being triggered?

She had WEEKS to send me the info... . she could have even mailed it... .

I don't know what to make of this... . well in all honesty I do I guess... . she's crazy!

Anyone here offer their opinion... .

We have a court date at the end of July... . why can't she just be done with this... . she cheated... . walked out... . and I haven't heard a word from her til now.

Help... .

[Tausk]

Hey C:  Take a deep breath.  It hurts to be yelled at.  It's very triggering.  My sister who has BPD can trigger me through an email.  A voice mail, like that... I can't listen to.   And if my ex where to leave one like that, I would be bouncing off the walls.

It's difficult to hear the rage without being emotionally triggered and angry.  But try and detach and depersonalize the message.  It's really not about you.  It's about your ex and her limited capacity to deal with emotional stress, change, responsibility, and relationships.  It's about the Disorder and how it's taking over for her.  Right now, the person you loved is in the background, and the Disorder is running the ship.  

Exactly why she did it is difficult to say.  But the realization that you two are over is something that she may not be able to process rationally.   The finality of a breakup is so stressful in the first place.  With her limited ability to rationally and honestly process why things are the way they are, may lead her to have no choice but deal with her confusion, anger, shame, pain, and fear by lashing out and projecting upon you all the evil, terror and horror that exists in her waking nightmare of a life.

She may not have any other choice but to lash out at you.  How would a traumatized three year old deal with being left behind by someone to whom they are attached?   She's worse than the three year old, because she's intellectually developed enough to understand what is happening and what the consequences will be, including being alone again. But she doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand why it is happening.  She can't understand how her behavior may have contributed to the result.  She can't see how she might have done anything different.  And she has no choices but continue her behavior since she's not able to change, reflect or be self aware.  

So all that's left is projection of anger upon an object that is evil.  It's all she can do to survive or go totally mad or kill herself.  And be prepared that it may get worse as the more of the extinction burst is directed toward you.  Be prepared to protect your boundaries.  We can have compassion, but we should not enable inappropriate behavior.

So detach, depersonalize, strive for compassion, be self soothing, watch the response to the trigger, be good to yourself, love yourself, and pity our exes, for they are ones who are in true hell.

Thanks for posting.  It might be difficult, but I have faith that you get through it, and be better stronger and more loving on the otherside.

T

T

[Cimbaruns]

Thanks Tausk... . very comforting and insightful response.

It's amazing how initially I was right back there... . in that place ... . as soon as I heard her voice!

Part of me was listening ... . part of me frozen and wanting to drop the phone... .

I must say that initially I was wanting to strike back... . but that emotion of anger dissipated quickly and I took a deep breath... . I knew at that moment that I was strong enough that the boundries I had set were going to hold up!

The realization of just "who" she is and that she hasn't changed... . and that her manipulation continues just makes me sad... . I realized I do have pity for her... . and that I am becoming more compassionate toward her apparent life of suffering.

Yes... . the person I loved... . (or the idea of the love I held for her )... . is most certainly being driven by the disorder... . for there is absolutely no empathy on her part... . it's all about how "she" is feeling at that time... .

Driven by need... . and highly reactive!

Thanks for your faith in me... . I'm sure there's a lot of road left to travel here... .

I will do something healing for myself this weekend