Why would my ex do this?

[nownotsure]

It's been over 3 months of mutual NC between my uBPD ex girlfriend and me, and I'm now happily in a new relationship. To add to this, about a month ago my ex's sister had informed me that my ex had moved on as well. However, last week I found out that she has joined the same running group I've been involved in for years.

I wasn't even aware of this until a friend of mine mentioned seeing her, all by herself, at a run he attended. Thankfully she hasn't attended any of my events. Yet finding out about this has literally blind-sided me, because of all the running groups in this city, why pick the one she knows I'm involved in.

The irony, is that while we were together she never had the slightest interest in either running or jogging, or even in joining me when I've gone running by myself. She's physically active, but considers running to be the most boring thing on the planet. That's why her joining my club makes absolutely no sense at all.

I always viewed my ex as someone who respected my desire for space. So I'm at a loss as to whether she's trying to get my attention or not. So what the heck is going on? Is this a BPD thing? Anyone else had this happen to them?

[arjay]

To add to this, about a month ago my ex's sister had informed me that my ex had moved on as well. However, last week I found out that she has joined the same running group I've been involved in for years.

How much information about your new personal life did you share with the sister? 

I understand your concern and if she is truly bored with running, then likely it won't last.  I used to run too and there are events everywhere.  It is actually quite easy to go to other places.  Over time unless she has suddenly changed her mind about running, she will get bored and quit.

Remember that anything you say to her sister will be repeated.

Peace to you

[antjs]

remember that pwBPD are like chameleons. they do not have a sense of self. they do not know themselves. they do not know what they want out of life.

I remember one day i was playing a song of lana del rey with exBPDgf in the car. there was this verse that says "my mother always tell my that i have a chameleon soul." she just repeated the verse and had a very weird smile on her face.

My exBPDgf told me that she hates tattoos. after the break up, i bumped into her by accident and  here is a new tattoo on her wrist.

this is a typical BPD behavior. normal people get to change their opinions about stuff in life. but not that fast ! take care of yourself, dont bother and KEEP RUNNING BOTH PHYSICALLY AND METAPHORICALLY.

[nownotsure]

remember that pwBPD are like chameleons. they do not have a sense of self. they do not know themselves. they do not know what they want out of life.

Great insight! It hadn't really occurred to me up until now that my ex is very much like a chameleon. The whole time we were together, she simply followed my lead. She never looked forward to the things we did, nor did she complain either. The only exception to this was running. I guess you can say she's one of those types who drifts along in life without making much of an effort to engage it or even form an opinion.

I agree "KEEP RUNNING BOTH PHYSICALLY AND METAPHORICALLY" is quite sound advice.

[goldylamont]

I always viewed my ex as someone who respected my desire for space. So I'm at a loss as to whether she's trying to get my attention or not. So what the heck is going on? Is this a BPD thing? Anyone else had this happen to them?

i think it's safe to say that you are incorrect in viewing your ex as someone who respects your desire for space. if she gave you space it was because she didn't need you at the moment because she had someone else, not because she understands your needs or is empathetic to them. you are now seeing how she could care less about your boundaries. i think you are picking up on this already though.

and yes, she absolutely is trying to get your attention. and whether it's negative attention from you or good ol' enabling pining-for-her-still (or both, even better) this is the type of attention pwBPD tend to feed off of. don't be at a loss about it any more--the girl wasn't into running at all when you were together, yet now all the sudden not only is she into running but she "just happens" to join the exact same organization as you. you know the truth is that she wants your attention. but she doesn't want anything good for you out of this, only for her... .

my advice--if you haven't already, bring this up immediately to your current gf. let her know your ex is being a little stalkerish and that you most likely will run into her. also, start coming up with a plan for how you will react when you do run into your ex. i'm doing the same--for me i will ignore my ex completely like she doesn't even exist. she really doesn't deserve my attention. if she initiates contact with me, i will be cordial, and i will be BORING so as to not keep the conversation going. in the worse case, if she acts up around me, i feel confident that i can put her in her place while keeping my cool so that i don't look like i'm crazy. so, that's my plan. i think it would be a good idea to think of the best way for you to behave if/when you inevitably meet while she's playing this game. oh, ya, and just as a reminder--tell your current gf *now* and don't let her find out about you and your ex meeting later. messing up your happiness is exactly what your ex wants. don't let her.

your post connected with me a bit since my ex, like yours, tried to re-engage with me and actually moved into a house a few hundred feet from me. started parking her car behind mine. a bunch of stalkerish childishness. i told my current gf about this immediately though so as to clear the air. i ignored all forms of communication from my ex and stayed on the sidelines as she abused several other men (and women). as long as she stays out of my way i won't react to any of this. she needs to know her place and by ignoring her sillyness i think she's finally gotten the message.

[nownotsure]

and yes, she absolutely is trying to get your attention. and whether it's negative attention from you or good ol' enabling pining-for-her-still (or both, even better) this is the type of attention pwBPD tend to feed off of.

I was struck by the above statement, and have to agree that I was incorrect to presume that my ex was all along respecting my desire for space. And that it makes more sense to view this as her intentionally handing me the silent treatment. I guess I can draw from this, that she's finding the silent treatment as ineffective and has had to move to the next level by taking up running. The more I read on here, the more I wonder if all pwBPD's are stamped from the same press.

my advice--if you haven't already, bring this up immediately to your current gf. let her know your ex is being a little stalkerish and that you most likely will run into her. also, start coming up with a plan for how you will react when you do run into your ex.

Sound advice. I already explained things to my gf last night and she was appreciative, understanding and supportive of the situation. She worries that if I switch running clubs, my ex will take note and make an effort to follow. She agrees with the advice given here and suggested that my ex will likely get bored and quit if I politely ignore her. She also pointed out that, on the bright side, my ex seems to have enough sense not to be waiting around in the lobby of my apartment.

[Sgt Biggs]

Interesting post AJ,

I was thinking of starting a post myself about leftover mirroring.

When I was with my ex she was looking into becoming a vet nurse, she also spoke of getting a full arm tattoo.

I later find out that an ex from a few weeks before we met was a vet nurse with a full arm sleeve tattoo.

Then very abruptly she decided against going down the vet road and enrolled in a course in law.

I was perplexed at the sudden change of direction.

She was going through child custody battles and I'm now wondering if this might have something to do with the lawyer helping with her case.

Maybe he's next in line, or perhaps I just think too much, .

   

[Dolly rocker]

I love this: "KEEP RUNNING BOTH PHYSICALLY AND METAPHORICALLY"

[goldylamont]

Sound advice. I already explained things to my gf last night and she was appreciative, understanding and supportive of the situation. She worries that if I switch running clubs, my ex will take note and make an effort to follow. She agrees with the advice given here and suggested that my ex will likely get bored and quit if I politely ignore her. She also pointed out that, on the bright side, my ex seems to have enough sense not to be waiting around in the lobby of my apartment.

that sounds like a really good woman (your current girlfriend). i had a girlfriend last year when my ex was testing me with all of this passive aggressive re-engagement. and she was understanding and strong for me also. i was fortunate that my ex didn't completely break my trust in women, still it helped to be around someone caring and honest (instead of, well a pwBPD). give your gf an extra big hug next time you see her or just do something nice for no reason at all. as much bad that comes out of our exes, that much more good i want to give to a good woman. break this stupid cycle. this wasn't really meant for you nownotsure i'm just writing out my thoughts. kiss that girl! because her good is kryptonite to your ex's bad 

[Justplaintired]

I ended a relationship with a BPD two months ago.  We have had little contact.  Last week I received two phone calls on my cell which  said "No Caller ID".  The calls were 4 hours apart, one at 8:30 pm the next at 12:30 AM.  I did not pick up.  The next day, I went to online to the cell provider.  I had her ID and password, (i used to pay her bill) and found that the calls came from her phone. 

I sent her a text to ask her not to do that (my mistake).  I then received another phone call about 40 minutes later with number blocked.  This one went to voice mail  The message was from a man telling me (with extreme profanity) to leave her alone.  This one did not originate from her phone.  He acted liked I was harassing her, which I am sure she told him.  The last time we had spoken (via text) was a week prior, where she told me she was with a new guy and I sincerely said I was happy she was in a better place. 

My question is why the first two calls?   Were they from her? If it was from the man, why no message on voice mail, like he did the next day.

[nownotsure]

My question is why the first two calls?   Were they from her? If it was from the man, why no message on voice mail, like he did the next day

Anything's possible. Though my guess is that the calls originated from your ex.

Why I say that, is just after ending things with my exBPDgf, I started to get some strange late night calls from a blocked number. The person on the other end never bothered to leave a message or callback number. So I simply presumed that it was coming from my ex.

[nownotsure]

Well, my exBPDgf showed up at my running event this evening. She walked right past me like I didn't exist. Then she proceeded to flirt with one of the guys in our group. I have to admit it was awkward being there.

So what was the whole point in her little charade? I don't get it, because now I'm left wondering what I ever saw in her.

[goldylamont]

Well, my exBPDgf showed up at my running event this evening. She walked right past me like I didn't exist. Then she proceeded to flirt with one of the guys in our group. I have to admit it was awkward being there.

So what was the whole point in her little charade? I don't get it, because now I'm left wondering what I ever saw in her.

Wow that is tacky with a capital T. You seem to be handling it well. She's baiting you to try and get a reaction. The more negative the better in her eyes. I don't know what I would do, maybe have your current gf join you next running group? Then you'd have someone to flirt with

[rougeetnoir]

It seems rather straightforward: she's trying to make you jealous. A behavior (whether you broke up with her or she broke up with you) that is common-in my experience- from BPD and non-BPD exes alike.  The BPD difference/exaggeration is that she's actively trying to find places to make you jealous, which is creepy and weird. Sort of like how BPDs will plaster love quotes and pics after a breakup.

Don't react.  You seem to be handling it well. If it really bothers you, you may wish to find another group (maybe one that she can't keep up with!). Or keep going to this group and not-reacting.

[Hamakua]

It seems rather straightforward: she's trying to make you jealous. A behavior (whether you broke up with her or she broke up with you) that is common-in my experience- from BPD and non-BPD exes alike.  The BPD difference/exaggeration is that she's actively trying to find places to make you jealous, which is creepy and weird. Sort of like how BPDs will plaster love quotes and pics after a breakup.

Don't react.  You seem to be handling it well. If it really bothers you, you may wish to find another group (maybe one that she can't keep up with!). Or keep going to this group and not-reacting.

I can attest,  this is exactly the reason.

She is seeking to elicit an emotional response, positive or negative, from you for her own edification.  She does not care about your feelings and does not respect you.  She is seeking to use your pain as a measuring cup of how "important/meaningful" she is to someone, anyone.  Think about that for a moment.  She is actively trying to cause you pain so she can feel better about herself, to feel "wanted".  That's love?

I agree, don't react.  Even changing groups would sort of suck because she will feed off it and interpret it as attention, but something I learned.  Do things for you, sometimes those things involves them "winning" in their own heads.  If I were you I'd change running groups unless I had friends in it, if it's the only one... . meh, it depends how raw you feel.  If it was after my breakup I couldn't handle it, I'd have to start running by myself or doing something different.  The other option is to bring you current GF like someone joked about.  It wouldn't be healthy to do so as then you would be using her to get back at your ex.   A nice middle ground might be to have your current GF drop you off and pick you up when she can.  I feel this is a nice way to politely and cordially draw a line.  This also involves your current GF in such a way that she can feel "not hidden from" ex-issues.

Don't be the BPD and use your relationship to affect another person for revenge,  I'd probably stop at the pickup/dropoff.

Mind you, I've been in other states of mind where I wanted nothing but revenge, but I simply waited out those portions of emotion.

[goldylamont]

I can attest,  this is exactly the reason.

She is seeking to elicit an emotional response, positive or negative, from you for her own edification.  She does not care about your feelings and does not respect you.  She is seeking to use your pain as a measuring cup of how "important/meaningful" she is to someone, anyone.  Think about that for a moment.  She is actively trying to cause you pain so she can feel better about herself, to feel "wanted".  That's love?

I agree, don't react.  Even changing groups would sort of suck because she will feed off it and interpret it as attention, but something I learned.  Do things for you, sometimes those things involves them "winning" in their own heads.  If I were you I'd change running groups unless I had friends in it, if it's the only one... . meh, it depends how raw you feel.  If it was after my breakup I couldn't handle it, I'd have to start running by myself or doing something different.  The other option is to bring you current GF like someone joked about.  It wouldn't be healthy to do so as then you would be using her to get back at your ex.   A nice middle ground might be to have your current GF drop you off and pick you up when she can.  I feel this is a nice way to politely and cordially draw a line.  This also involves your current GF in such a way that she can feel "not hidden from" ex-issues.

Don't be the BPD and use your relationship to affect another person for revenge,  I'd probably stop at the pickup/dropoff.

Mind you, I've been in other states of mind where I wanted nothing but revenge, but I simply waited out those portions of emotion.

i wasn't joking. if it were me, honestly what i would do is discuss it with my gf and see what she thought about it. i would tell her that i wanted to avoid drama, but at the same time i'd feel like a sissy having to leave my running group because of my ex's antics. if my current gf wanted to come along for support then that's probably what i would do. and no, i wouldn't tell my current gf to drop me off and hide out so as not to upset my crazy ex who is stalking me, . just, the women i date wouldn't be privy to this, but to each his own. i'm not suggesting to seek revenge, i'd brainstorm alternatives (with the girl i was in love with) to tucking tail and running away.

agreed though that ultimately whatever you do, make sure you do it for you and only you. wow pwBPD are always trying to "win" so yeah let them think that if they need it that bad. changing groups and just dropping it may not be the worst thing in the world. maybe there's a better group?

you know, i think i'll just come full circle here back to what i realize now i think i've been repeating a few times in this thread--you want to know what to do? exactly what to do? the answer--ask your current gf. then do whatever it is that makes her feel most comfortable. if my current gf wanted me to leave the group i could be convinced of this after some discussion. the root of what i'm saying is that your current woman may well know already how to deal with scandalous b879es  if she wants you to leave, maybe do that. if she wants to go with you, then i'd do that. tap into that womanly intelligence and strength and find your answer there. as much as your crazy ex has tricks up her sleeve, other women have a spidey-sense about these shenanigans and how best to deal with them. don't trust us guys, trust your woman on this one 

[OutOfEgypt]

goldylamont wrote:

i think it's safe to say that you are incorrect in viewing your ex as someone who respects your desire for space

I agree.  Father's day is coming up, and my uBPDex wife wants to bring over the kids gifts and take me and our children out to dinner.  Now, that might be even a little odd in any divorced relationship.  But especially given the hell she has put me through, it just shows that she really has a very different perception of things (and herself and how she has hurt me) than I do.

Strangely, during the time I was getting her removed from my house, she called me on the phone and told me that she had been talking to another guy about our situation (again... . WHY tell me this?  We are breaking up!  Why would I want to hear about all the personal things going on in her life and all the mental thought processes going on in her head?).  She asked this guy, from his perspective, why I was being so "mean" and cut and dry about getting away from her.  He explained to her that it was likely because I do not feel like she has any grasp of how much damage and hurt she has caused me.  When she said that to me, I said, "Yes.  Bingo!"

They don't have a clue.  Not really.  Of course, if you even give them a crooked smile they will remember it for 10 years and wonder why you are so cruel and hurtful, but they can cheat on you, lie to you, destroy your self-esteem, blame you, and otherwise suck the life out of you, but they have no understanding about why you can't be "friends" now.  None.  They don't get it.  I'm sure they don't want to.  And they basically want to know that they can always come and go in your life.  My ex still has a key to get in my house, and she expects to be able to come and go in my house to get some of her things when I'm not here.  At least she is kind enough to ASK now -after I explained to her that I dont like her just coming in.  But that is a picture of what they expect.  Even if they have moved on, they never really want you to.  They want to know they can "walk in" any time they want.  Good thing I'm changing the locks.

And I'm going to tell her I don't want to do dinner.  She will probably explain how it is "good for the kids" etc. etc.  But I'm not here to keep up appearances.  I'm here to survive and get on with my life.  No dinner.  No personal interaction unless it involves the kids.  She may tell me more than I ever care to hear about, but I just sort of glaze over and blankly nod.  She doesn't get to come in... . ever again.

And I agree with what others wrote about your situation.  It is about getting an emotional response from you.  To her, an emotional response = "I still have him." or "I still have control of him."  It doesn't matter if the response is oozing, fawning "love" or intense reactive anger and bitterness.  It's still a response.  Their whole dynamic screams, "Be obsessed with me!"

[nownotsure]

And I agree with what others wrote about your situation.  It is about getting an emotional response from you.  To her, an emotional response = "I still have him." or "I still have control of him." ... . It's still a response.  Their whole dynamic screams, "Be obsessed with me!"

I was wondering if my ex, by giving me the silent treatment and making a point of showing up at these meets, somehow expected me to break down and chase after her. I do have to agree, it is her way of crying out "Be obsessed with me!"

... . you want to know what to do? exactly what to do? the answer--ask your current gf. then do whatever it is that makes her feel most comfortable.

My current girlfriend has made similar suggestions as everyone else here, and she feels comfortable letting me handle it as I see fit. However, it would be so much easier if my ex would just come up and tell me what it is she wants. But I guess that would give away whatever power she thinks she still has.

[nownotsure]

My ex has continued to show up at the same group runs, which is awkward to say the least. Now I'm finding out that this is just the tip of the iceberg. On the weekend I heard that my ex has been gossiping about me to other group members. Apparently she's been claiming that I threw her out on the street and that I was cheating on her the whole time. I've had a hard time knowing how to reply t this. So far I've said very little.

Both my girlfriend and I can't believe this is happening. Now I'm faced with having to find a new running group just to get away from the drama being stirred up. I've always felt sorry for my ex and the cards life dealt to her, but now I'm starting to really hate her guts. Since she claims to have a new boyfriend, why doesn't she leave me alone? I just don't know what she's getting out of this.

[nownotsure]

I previously posted earlier today, not really asking a specific question, but mostly to vent my frustration over my ex's recent behavior. Now that I've had some time to think, I guess what bothers me is she's spreading lies to people who mostly know me because they share an activity and a few beers with me.

Those in the running group who don't know me well, are painting me with the same brush they're painting her with. Those in the group who've asked, I've told that my ex has "issues" and that's why we split up and lets leave it at that. Those who know me well, also know a bit about her, but are still at a loss for words over her behavior. This is what makes this whole thing just insane!

From reading some of the stories on here, I know others have gone through similar situations. What I'd like to know is, what does it take for an ex with BPD to move on and leave you alone? I could use any advice I can get right now.

[goldylamont]

so you are now seeing her true colors. the smear campaign. this is nothing new it's just what people with BPD do. what i would do in your situation is this--i would put everything out in the open to the group. instead of trying to keep quiet and hope everything goes away i would just tell the group leaders about the situation and a few people that you have connected with in the group. no need to mention BPD--i think your term of saying she has "issues" is good enough. let them know how you feel, that it's confusing because you broke up a while ago. that she was never into running at all the whole time you were together. that she could have joined any running group but decided on this. and that it makes you and your current gf a bit uncomfortable, but not to worry about any issues coming up. i would be very straightforward and let them know that your ex tells flat out lies--the cheating and abuse she is talking about are complete fabrications. that you don't take it personally as this is how she treats all men she's in relationships with at some point.

if you can be calm and strong about it, let them know the overview of what is going on and don't hold back to try and protect your ex (aren't we all done trying to save and protect them at this point?). put a bug in their ear so they are aware, and then just let them make up their own minds. that's all i could really do. my reaction to funny business like this is to just put it out in the open--good people will see the light eventually. to be honest with you i would have already done this a while ago when she first joined my group. i don't want to let these kinds of shenanigans fester too long and take a foothold without getting out ahead of them.

the main thing to do though is completely take off any blinders you may have left. even after everything our exes have done, the countless times they've shown us who they are and what they are about, i see a lot of people still saying they are confused and surprised at their behavior. now that you see where she's going with this don't waste any more time making excuses for her and get ahead of it with the truth is my advice.

[goldylamont]

nownotsure, i am posting on another thread where a woman is dealing with much the same situation. her xbf, who ignored her for over a year suddenly pops up at her dance class and is starting drama. perhaps you two could share experiences. i don't think she's at the point where she's ready to accept that her ex is going to smear her and bring drama. perhaps you could share some of your experience and help each other out?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227397.msg12448897#msg12448897

[nownotsure]

so you are now seeing her true colors. the smear campaign. this is nothing new it's just what people with BPD do.

Thanks goldylamont! I agree with everything you've said. The way my ex reacted to the breakup, it sounds like I may have dodged a bullet.

Today I talked with my T and then with my girlfriend. I've decided to take up the offer a few friends made to join them running over the summer and eventually look into joining another running group. There's quite a few in the city. I changed my phone number today and my landlord was understanding enough to let me out of my lease. My girlfriend is relieved about that, as she had been pushing me to change my number and move out of the current apartment my ex and I shared. Hopefully my ex will have a harder time tracking me down.

[goldylamont]

so happy for you! i really feel like you handled this well. you can't get better advice than from your T and gf. i ended up staying in my apt actually (i moved here with the ex)--it's just too nice a place to give up and i have really good rent. i remember when we were breaking up i spoke with my mom, didn't even tell her everything that was going on (too embarrassed), but she told me "give her anything she wants when she leaves; appliances, furniture, whatever. don't argue over it in fact help her move it out. but when she's gone--change your locks!"  i didn't feel the need to change my locks at first... . but a year later when she moved practically next door, i had a nice chat with my landlord and the locksmith 

cheers to you nownotsure, wish you the best