Really Struggling

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Lately I'm really struggling.  I'm not struggling with NC or with going back to my ex.  I'm struggling with all the hatred and stress I have.  I feel like for 14 years I was totally constrained by her, like chains around my neck.  My life was sucked into a vortex and totally consumed.  And now, as I'm trying to move on with my life and experience a GOOD life for a change... . I'm still constrained by her.  She STILL keeps my life in chains.  How?  Well... . I can barely financially make ends meet.  I have debt that I inherited from the divorce.  I pay her child and spousal support.  Meanwhile, I just paid off HER car... . which she asked for the title for so that she can trade it in and get herself a truck!  And she got herself a puppy.  And she's rolling in the dough with her new job.  Has a boyfriend.  You name it.  She gets to live the life, and I'm stuck dealing with her constraints and having to be the responsible adult for the kids... . in a crappy little town that I hate -it constricts me like a snake around my neck.  We moved here (where my ex grew up), 3,000 miles away from where I grew up and from where ALL my family is, within the 3rd year of our marriage because I hoped it would help her and save our marriage.  Now, I'm left holding the bag.  My daughter has no friends and is miserable, so I have to try to contend with that.  It's just too much.  I'm spent.  I just want someone to help me.  I just need someone to help me.  I am so frustrated.  I'm so tired.  I'm angry with God.  And it just weighs on me in the back of my mind so heavily.  I cannot concentrate at work, and my memory keeps getting worse and worse.  I wonder if there is something wrong with me.  Last night, I forgot that I turned on the utility sink in the laundry room.  I ran back to it 5 minutes later to find water pouring all over the floor and down the hallway.  I'm literally losing my mind.  I've been begging God for so long, and I just can't handle any more disappointments.  I need there to be something good for me around the bend.  I'm too weary to wait for it any longer.  I can't do it.  I need something to change.

[OutOfEgypt]

Lately I'm really struggling.  I'm not struggling with NC or with going back to my ex.  I'm struggling with all the hatred and stress I have.  I feel like for 14 years I was totally constrained by her, like chains around my neck.  My life was sucked into a vortex and totally consumed.  And now, as I'm trying to move on with my life and experience a GOOD life for a change... . I'm still constrained by her.  She STILL keeps my life in chains.  How?  Well... . I can barely financially make ends meet.  I have debt that I inherited from the divorce.  I pay her child and spousal support.  Meanwhile, I just paid off HER car... . which she asked for the title for so that she can trade it in and get herself a truck!  And she got herself a puppy.  And she's rolling in the dough with her new job.  Has a boyfriend.  You name it.  She gets to live the life, and I'm stuck dealing with her constraints and having to be the responsible adult for the kids... . in a crappy little town that I hate -it constricts me like a snake around my neck.  We moved here (where my ex grew up), 3,000 miles away from where I grew up and from where ALL my family is, within the 3rd year of our marriage because I hoped it would help her and save our marriage.  Now, I'm left holding the bag.  My daughter has no friends and is miserable, so I have to try to contend with that.  It's just too much.  I'm spent.  I just want someone to help me.  I just need someone to help me.  I am so frustrated.  I'm so tired.  I'm angry with God.  And it just weighs on me in the back of my mind so heavily.  I cannot concentrate at work, and my memory keeps getting worse and worse.  I wonder if there is something wrong with me.  Last night, I forgot that I turned on the utility sink in the laundry room.  I ran back to it 5 minutes later to find water pouring all over the floor and down the hallway.  I'm literally losing my mind.  I've been begging God for so long, and I just can't handle any more disappointments.  I need there to be something good for me around the bend.  I'm too weary to wait for it any longer.  I can't do it.  I need something to change.

[enlighten me]

Hang in there out of Egypt.

It is hard. Its unfair that they seem to walk away scot free and financially secure while we struggle to make ends meet.

It does get easier. The confusion that is causing disruption at work is because she's in your head still and you cant think straight. You need some way to purge her from your thoughts. The way I do it is by remembering a particular event and the look of pure hatred on her face. Why would I want to waste my life thinking of that.

Distraction is the key to forgetting them. Reading doesn't work for me at first because my mind is too busy to concentrate. Music and films do though. (as long as you avoid any that may remind you of her). Theres also setting yourself goals. People always seem to hit the gym and get fit and part of this is the mind set of look at what she's missing or if I tone up she'll be attracted to me again. This is fair enough to get yourself started as it is a natural step but you want to look beyond that. Set a goal maybe its a marathon and work towards it. The more involved you get in it the less time you will think of her.

I personally learnt to scuba dive but it doesn't have to be an expensive distraction. Whether its learning to strip down an engine, running a marathon or doing a course or even planning your dream home brick by brick wire by wire you need a goal.

Once your thinking a bit clearer then your work will improve. Its all about taking it one day at a time.

[OutOfEgypt]

Thanks, enlighten me.  That's largely why I feel so stuck and resentful.  I am constricted from doing the things I want to do.  I have lots of dreams and pie-in-the-sky plans already drawn out.  But I can't do a thing about any of it because I can't afford it.  And by the time I can finally breathe again, financially, my kids will be pretty much grown.  So, I feel, again like she's taken from me... . and still is taking.  And it consumes me like a fire!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey OutofEgypt, It sounds like you are under a lot of stress, which is understandable in your situation.  You are on the right path, however, by rebuilding your life after the chaos of a BPD r/s.  You may want to take steps to reduce stress, because it seems like your stress is unlikely to be go away anytime soon.  Believe me, I have been in your shoes.  Exercise, as enlighten me notes, is a good way to burn off anxious feelings.  Meditation is another alternative.  Or doing anything that allows you to get totally absorbed in the moment, such as playing an instrument or doing artwork, or whatever you find really interesting.  Mindfulness is key.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Should I stay or...]

Hey OOE,

Man, I can hear it in your words that life sucks right now, I wish I could do more than write to you... . take you out for a beer and give you some moral support would be a better option.

I don't know if you want to upset the apple cart with your exBPDw but have you considered revisiting your divorce decree? If she is working now and making a considerable amount more than she had during the divorce you could decrease the amount of the spousal support? It could be a small victory?

[OutOfEgypt]

Yes, I was thinking that.  But she would have to agree to it because I have no money for an attorney or to take her to court!  I still might ask her, but I know how it will go.  I'll start to explain how I'm struggling financially and want to be able to live and enjoy the kids but don't have the financial room to do so, and she will say, "Yeah, me too!  I have all these bills and blah blah blah blah."  It will get nowhere.  I wish I knew how to communicate to her so that she would listen.  Of course, she *loves* being in the position where she can "help" me out.  It's like I'm dependent on her, for a change (because her view of the marriage was NOT that she sucked the life out of me and squandered every cent I earned, which is the truth, but that I "lorded it over her" with the money I made and somehow "forced" her to be dependent on me, which she resented).

[OutOfEgypt]

Life sucks... . and has sucked.  That's my frustration.  My ex has made my life, and my kids life, suck for 14 years.  And she is STILL making it suck.

[enlighten me]

I can understand completely.

I ran up tens of thousands of pounds worth of debt doing up the house I bought. I say I ran it up but really most of it was her. I was away and instead of the builders doing what we had planned she got them to do other things that I had planned to get done later when I was home. She insisted on both the childrens bedrooms being done rather than let me do one and save money. Everything had to be done at once and there was always a reason behind it. The work went on for nearly twice as long as planned at it was all my fault as I hadn't planned it properly or the builders I had chosen weren't up to scratch. The builders were her recommendation as they were friends of her family.

My ex wife was just as bad financially but what was worse was she moved away with my sons so I can appreciate the missed opportunities that have been taken from you.

The way I see it is no-one knows what the future brings. Make the most off what you've got and if life improves ie a new better paid job or a windfall then work towards those dreams.

[WalrusGumboot]

OutOfEgypt, I feel for you. I am two years out, and while much better, still struggle. On my divorce day, I was a mess. What I did was to start taking baby steps to improve what I had control over. Work towards better physical health was one. Move closer to my family was another. Doing those things gave gratification fairly quickly. I knew I had the most work on my mental state - fighting depression and other PTSD symptoms. I also had to start over financially, which I knew would take a while.

A good exercise is to write down some short and long term goals of things that would make your life (and the life of your children) better. If you look at everything at once, it is overwhelming. Breaking things down really helped me.

[seeking balance]

OOE,

I, too, understand the stress and anger associated with financial stress after the divorce.  After the 15K spent on the divorce, picking up the pieces was tough and my money was very tight, all the while my ex had moved in with someone else and seemingly was "living the high life."

  I need something to change.

That something to change is you. Making peace with all that has happened takes time and being angry is part of it.  Little things you can do that start to change. Join a running or hiking club through meetup or something free that puts you in contact with new people.  Is it easy or will you feel like doing it at first?  Nope, do it anyways.

Change happens to us, it just does. I started a gratitude list and committed to it - it helps the attitude a lot.

There is a really good TED talk out right now about how difficult times are what can give our lives meaning and build our worth - it won't change your mood immediately, but perspective is the beginning of change.

https://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_how_the_worst_moments_in_our_lives_make_us_who_we_are

Remember, anger is important in healing too - I was very angry and very hurt for quite a while.  You have been through a lot over the years... . it takes time to rebuild.  Money is still tight for me, but the change in me has happened.

Peace,

SB

[OutOfEgypt]

Well, I signed the car off to her.  I went down to the car dealership and even signed a power-of-attorney to make sure her car is no longer my responsibility whatsoever.  That feels good.  But I know as soon as I see her pulling up with the shiny new truck she's getting with the car I had to pay for out of our divorce, I am going to have all those feelings of anger and despair and depression again.

I also asked her if she would be willing to lessen the spousal support so that I can have more breathing room to live my new life, as well.  I think I stated things pretty well -without making it an accusation or attack in any way.  I haven't heard back from her, but I'm not optimistic.  Still... who knows, maybe she will relish this sense of power she has and have pity on me .

Somehow, I just need to remind myself that this is the price of freedom.  It is still so much better than going back to her.  I just wish I had the means to actually "live" this "new life" of mine instead of sitting here in idle while she gets to do whatever she wants.  Just ain't right.

But logically, she's going to be stupid and selfish long after I'm gone... . so hanging on with anger does nothing but hinder my life.  Logically, I know I need to let go -do what I can to better my situation, even if it means asking her for a reduction in spousal support- but still let it go.  It doesn't matter.  If she loves that she's taking advantage of me and brags about how much money I give her, let it go.  In the end that is all she will have.  That and her stupid game.

[seeking balance]

Somehow, I just need to remind myself that this is the price of freedom.  It is still so much better than going back to her.  I just wish I had the means to actually "live" this "new life" of mine instead of sitting here in idle while she gets to do whatever she wants.  Just ain't right.

It ain't fair - I do agree with you on that... . bitter pill to swallow.

You are stronger and more resilient than you realize right now.  You are doing the hard stuff.

Peace,

SB

[OutOfEgypt]

So, as I said before I asked very nicely if she would consider lessening the spousal support.  Her reply?

"You should be ashamed of yourself for even asking.  I'm trying to get on my feet!"

So there you have it.  I'm selfish.  Oh, and according to her the only reason I'm having a hard time with a "new life" for myself is because of me, not her. 

I told her that I was unfortunately not shocked by her response and that if she wants shame she should look in the mirror!

I'm sure even asking for spousal support to be lessened, no matter how nicely, probably triggered her guilt (because she KNOWS she is selfish)... . and then prompts her to accuse me of being selfish.  Still sucks.  I'm pretty amped up.  God, I hate this woman.

[OutOfEgypt]

mjdg8r, thank you.  That means a lot to me

[BorisAcusio]

I'm sure even asking for spousal support to be lessened, no matter how nicely, probably triggered her guilt shame (because she KNOWS she is selfish)... . and then prompts her to accuse me of being selfish.  Still sucks.  I'm pretty amped up.  God, I hate this woman.

[willy45]

Life doesn't suck that bad.

At least she's gone. You may not see it that way now, but you will. You don't have to waste the rest of you life with this person. Just think of what a mess your life would have been had you had another 4, 8, 20 years with this person. Your feelings are temporary. They will change, just as everything else does. You have choices. And now you can make them.

And good for you for focusing on the anger. It helps. That's a good stage to be in. You'll be OK.

[OutOfEgypt]

She wrote me this evening, asking me for a favor and then apologizing for hurting me earlier and telling me that she loves me very much, blah blah blah.  It's nice, I guess.  I feel a load off, but its like "Thanks."  No desire to say, "Love you too"  haha.

Been a whirlwind week or so.  Thanks, everybody.

Regrouping and returning to my goal statement:

To be emotionally free and concerned with my own life, to do what I can to improve my life and let the rest go.  To step away from all games and distractions, letting go of all that I cannot control, and entrusting myself to Him who will do what is just and right in the end.  Anything that draws my attention away from this goal, such as holding onto [my ex] with hatred, or by obsessing about how to respond to her behavior, for example, only destroys me and hinders my life, both for myself and for others.  The life I have without her is far better than any life I could ever have with her.

[enlighten me]

I think if my ex asked me for a favour. I would ask her to write down what she has ever done for me. I don't think she would ask again.

[OutOfEgypt]

Her niceness and apologizing is probably manipulative too, for all I know.  Tired of worrying about it, though.  It's like a full-time job trying to figure it all out.  Just distracts me from my goals.

After her apology and explanation, I just said, "I understand."  That's secret code for, "I understand that you are completely and ridiculously unreasonable and self-absorbed and will never ever see it.  So, therefore I just nod, smile blankly, and pat you on the head and realize that it is effectively pointless."

[WalrusGumboot]

Maybe she will marry her new boyfriend and get you off the hook for spousal support. That was exactly what my ex did. Six months after the divorce, she found a sucker to marry her and I was done paying her.